Better the Devil You Know
"Titocoga."
"Yeah?"
"I think there might be someone you can give that raincoat to."
Titocoga tilted her head, the side-ponytail brushing against her neck swaying adorably.
"Who? It couldn't be Zhuang, right? She specifically said she'd never attend such a terrifying lecture. Wait, don't tell me we're giving the raincoat to Professor Sadako?"
Behind the corner, Zhuang wore a tearful grimace, frantically waving her hands to signal that I should do something about this. Shielding her with my body, I subtly angled a finger toward the nook. Titocoga glanced behind her and let out a giggle.
"Ah~ whatever shall I do? I really don't want to give it to Professor Sadako when she's forcing an outdoor lecture on us."
Zhuang's face instantly brightened.
"Then again, I also don't feel like giving it to Zhuang when she always teases me for fainting and calls me a coward~"
Zhuang's expression plummeted into darkness.
"Should I give it to her? Should I not? Well, if Zhuang offered a heartfelt apology, maybe I could consider it? Just saying~"
"Tito. Isn't this getting a little dangerous?"
"Dangerous? What is?"
Zhuang's expression frosted over in chilling realization.
"The only thing in danger is Zhuang's GPA! Nothing is more endangered than the grades of a Zhuang who has to trudge back to her dorm all alone because she lacks a raincoat, see~?"
"Hey, I tried to stop you."
"Hmph. No need to stop me! I'm not the true coward anymore. Zhuang's the biggest coward in the whole wide world—a super coward!"
With a whoosh, Zhuang dropped from the ceiling and latched straight onto Titocoga's back.
"Who did you say was a super coward?"
"Hyaaaaak?!"
In the end, Titocoga had to faint dead away and wake back up before finally surrendering the raincoat to Zhuang.
"Didn't you say you weren't going to attend?"
"Hmph. I just ate too much dinner and wanted to get some light exercise. Think of it as a diet."
Now that was one terrifying workout routine.
We marched for about ten minutes, freezing in our tracks and stifling our breaths every time the rhythmic clacking of Giant King Crab legs echoed through the pouring rain. Awaiting us at the lecture grounds was a skeleton who appeared to have taken dieting entirely too far, leaving nothing behind but bare bone.
"Gyel-gyel-gyel. Are you the freshmen Sadako mentioned? You've got some guts, summoning the courage to attend a lecture through a downpour like this."
"Um... Mr. Skeleton? Lord Skeleton?"
"Address me as Skeleton Instructor."
"Skeleton Instructor, sir. Where is Professor Sadako?"
"She caught a cold and isn't coming."
Behind her back, Zhuang pumped her fist in silent victory. Titocoga was grinning from ear to ear, clearly thrilled that Sadako got what was coming to her, even if she couldn't say it aloud. In my expert opinion as a veteran gamer, however... a professor being absent, even due to a cold, was rarely a good sign.
Sure, no one matches a tenured professor's peak capacity for pure malice, but professors are still professionals at the end of the day.
By contrast, this substitute was an instructor, not a professor. He might boast remarkable achievements in certain combat arts or specialized fields, but he lacked any pedagogical nuance in pacing his sadism. In short, he was liable to dial his cruelty up to the absolute maximum without a shred of hesitation.
If we're talking raw malicious potential, this might end up nastier than a class taught by Professor Sadako herself!
Titocoga, radiating pure bliss simply because it wasn't Professor Sadako, giggled cheerfully.
"Skeleton Instructooor, sir. What are we doing today? Can you let us out early?"
"Oh dear. You must be thoroughly exhausted!"
"Yeees. We have so much homeee-work."
Zhuang and I stared wide-eyed at Titocoga's cloying, baby-voiced whining. How on earth could someone produce such a cunning voice? I was genuinely envious. If only I had an Aegyo skill like that, I could bewitch the faculty and fleece them of every quest reward imaginable!
Perhaps because my past conversational choices had leaned far too heavily on the Intimidation skill, pulling off that sort of sickeningly sweet tone was unthinkable to me—and utterly alien to an assassin like Zhuang.
"Gyel-gyel-gyel. It pained my heart to see freshmen suffering from such sleep deprivation, so I prepared something special."
"Letting us go early?"
"Something far better! To tell the truth, I was inspired on my way here after observing the Sleeping Anywhere lecture."
"...Why on earth did you have to take inspiration from that?"
"Adventurer's Night Operations. You've learned plenty of methods for operating while awake, but surely you've never been taught the precautions for remaining undetected in your sleep. Am I right?"
I felt an ominous vibe from the start, and sure enough, the Skeleton Instructor slammed the accelerator to the floor.
"Only an adventurer who has lived through it knows the sheer despair of alerting an enemy through an unconscious sleep-talk murmur or a single rustle of movement!"
If this guy were a supercar, he'd be rocking a twin-turbo V12 engine capable of zero to sixty in under three seconds.
"Instructor. Titocoga falls quietly asleep in every single lecture, so she doesn't need to practice that, does she?"
"Oh? In that case, Cadet Titocoga may stand quietly by the instructor's side and merely observe today."
Zhuang froze, looking shell-shocked as if wondering what grave mistake she had just made. Titocoga trotted happily behind the instructor, peeking out from behind his skeletal legs and sticking her tongue out with an extraordinary knack for taunting. Despite crying with a whimpering 'hing-ing-ing' all the time, her innate talent for infuriating people was undeniably part of her unexpected charm.
Or perhaps digging her own grave was simply the ideal, textbook posture for a prospective undead under Professor Sadako's tutelage.
"Skeleton Instructor, sir. To be frank, I underwent assassin training, so there's zero chance of me sleep-talking."
"Your student evaluation record contains no official faculty appraisal to substantiate that claim!"
"Wait, then what about Titocoga?! She hasn't done anything either!"
"'Fainted quietly as a dead mouse × 2 times.' It's properly documented right here."
"Urgh!"
Having dragged Titocoga into this in a futile attempt to argue that the training was pointless, only to hand her a free pass, Zhuang looked utterly sick with envy.
"Zhuang. Let's just do our best, the two of us."
"Orknodi... I'm counting on you..."
The only real way to help someone sleep soundly in a sleeping lecture was to knock them cold. If things got too rough, I decided I'd just deliver a power flick to her forehead and knock her out.
"Now then, go to sleep!"
"...Excuse me?"
Under the torrential downpour, our soaked raincoats hung heavy, and lying down on the ground would require swimming lessons first. Not to mention any passing Giant King Crab would joyfully rush over, wondering what kind of floating buffet had been served up for them.
Zhuang asked, "Is this right? Are you positive?"
It was a lecture so absurd it made even an assassin question basic common sense, yet the Skeleton Instructor remained resolutely uncompromising.
"If falling asleep on your own proves difficult, I shall put you to sleep myself."
"How?"
I had assumed he was a Skeleton Mage who would cast sleep magic, but the Skeleton Instructor simply raised his broadsword and mimed cleaving someone's skull. A warrior rather than a mage! As a fellow connoisseur of physical magic, I couldn't help but respect it.
"If you fail to fall asleep within ten minutes, I will personally assist your slumber. Quite kind compared to Professor Sadako, wouldn't you say? Gyel-gyel-gyel!"
"I don't care if he's the professor's disciple, assistant, or drinking buddy—someday, I am going to murder that bastard with my bare hands."
"So, Zhuang, where are you sleeping?"
"I'm not sleeping on the ground. I'm climbing a tree."
"Want to share one?"
Zhuang kicked lightly off the bark, scrambling nimbly up into the branches with raw leg strength. She looked down at me, wondering how on earth I planned to follow. Smirking in response, I coiled my legs and leaped straight toward the lowest drooping bough.
"Hup!"
I hauled the branch all the way down to ground level by sheer brute force and climbed up hand-over-hand. Zhuang stared at me with an expression that asked what kind of uncultured barbarian did that.
"What kind of assassin moves around so loudly?"
"I'm not an assassin, though? I'm a magic swordsman."
"Right. Aim high, dream big."
Sheltering from the deluge amidst the canopy, I spotted Titocoga standing below beside the Skeleton Instructor, fidgeting with obvious anxiety.
"Um, Instructor... It's raining so hard, and I'm really cold."
"Oh dear. What a pity."
"I'm shivering, and it's kind of scary... Can't I just go indoors and watch from there?"
"Oh dear. What a pity."
"...That's a no, isn't it?"
"Oh dear. What a pity."
"..."
Standing down there all by herself looked infinitely more pathetic.
"Th-The Giant King Crabs!"
"Hmm?"
"If the Giant King Crabs show up, it's dangerous! You're going to protect me, right, Instructor?"
"Oh dear. What a pity."
"You can't say 'what a pity' to that! You should at least protect the student who got excused!"
The Skeleton Instructor simply grinned with his skull face, cackling away. "Gyel-gyel-gyel!"
"...I'm just going to climb the tree too..."
Realizing the instructor had zero intention of keeping her safe, Titocoga belatedly attempted to scramble up the trunk. Of course, tree-climbing was no walk in the park for a beginner—it was merely a grueling, tear-inducing ordeal that scraped her skin raw.
"Grab this and pull yourself up!"
"Thank you, Orknodi...!"
Having hauled herself up using the portable rope I lowered, Titocoga looked utterly drained.
"Do you see that over there? Lights."
Zhuang pointed toward an adjacent clearing. Straining our ears, we could hear students screaming in terror, punctuated by the clanging and crunching sounds of metal being struck and gnawed upon.
"Gyel-gyel-gyel. Sounds like they've already begun next door."
Those were the pitiful screams of students locked in iron cages, undergoing the extreme trial of falling asleep while staving off Giant King Crabs. I had hoped the students over there would draw all the local Giant King Crabs away, but the Skeleton Instructor was far more of a psychopathic lunatic than we had imagined.
"King Crabs, it's dinner time!"
Opening a feed bucket, the Skeleton Instructor dumped an entire bounty of shrimp and clams—the crabs' absolute favorites—crashing onto the mud below. Before we could even scream at the sheer atrocity, rhythmic clacking sounds began closing in from every direction. Tears welled in Titocoga's eyes.
"What... what's going to happen to us now...?"
"Should we try pretending to sleep?"
"I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I miss Professor Sadako so much."
Zhuang, who had feared Professor Sadako every bit as much as Titocoga did, muttered with a gloom-stricken face.