Counseling Session (2)
The girl who had come seeking advice was named Tanaka Natsumi.
She was the daughter of a rather well-known stationery manufacturer.
"This company made this?"
Yuria asked, startled, lifting Chise's mechanical pencil.
"Yes. That's one of ours. Thank you for using it."
It happened to be the best-selling mechanical pencil in Japan. Yuria swallowed.
Saints Academy really is something else.
She knew the girl sitting beside her came from an even more formidable house, but to someone as ordinary as Yuria, Tanaka's world was the one that actually registered.
"So. Your problem is that you don't have any friends?"
Noah asked around a yawn.
"Ah… yes. Most of my classmates already have their groups, and I'm so timid I… I couldn't join any of them. So I've been really anxious…"
Natsumi's voice shrank as she spoke. Noah snorted.
"Forming packs is what the weak do. No reason to squeeze yourself in among that kind of cheap imitation."
Problem solved.
Noah looked thoroughly pleased with herself.
"W-wait, senpai, that's not—"
Yuria cut in at once, seeing that Noah fully intended to leave it there.
"…If you don't get into a group at the start of the term, you end up friendless the whole year. Once things set, it's not easy to break in."
Even in her half-checked-out state, Chise slid a glance at Yuria, her pupils still drifting.
That… sounds like Ichinose talking from experience.
"Hmm. Being a girl sounds exhausting. Having to worry about stuff like that."
"You're a girl too, senpai."
Noah ignored that without breaking stride.
"Fine. I don't get it, but if that's what you want, I'll fix it."
Never mind that she herself had no friends besides Chise. She believed, without a flicker of doubt, that she could make a hundred of them the moment she felt like it.
"R-really?"
"In other words, you want to be popular."
"Th-that's right. Do you know how?"
"Popular with guys?"
"That would be nice too, but… the bar's a little high. F-for now, even with other girls would be fine."
The corner of Noah's mouth lifted.
"Getting popular with girls is even easier."
Yuria, she noticed, had already pricked up her ears.
Come to think of it, Minamoto-senpai always seemed more like the one doing the excluding than the one being excluded.
Not that she couldn't make friends. That she chose not to. A loner by choice, in other words.
Having arrived at that conclusion, Yuria sat up a little straighter.
"All you need is confidence. Give a girl confidence and the rest of them trail after her like trophies."
She said it with the smug air of someone who had just delivered a profound truth, and Yuria wanted nothing more than to flick her on the forehead. Never mind that she sounded like a man in his forties—the answer itself was painfully obvious. On the same level as Want to make a lot of money? Work hard!
I only have myself to blame for expecting anything…
Yuria's shoulders sagged. They should just drop this one. It didn't look good for the Public Morals Committee to be taking walk-in personal counseling anyway. And there was no one in this room who could actually give the girl what she wanted.
Yuria was still timing her refusal when Natsumi bowed her head.
"Confidence… But I've been timid since I was little. I can't even speak to someone first. I can't place an order in a shop."
"Then a method that doesn't require talking would work?"
"There's a method like that?"
"Yeah."
"Yes! Please tell me!"
Noah was not, as a rule, good with words. Conveying her intent, however, she did extremely well.
"I don't hand this out to just anyone, so remember it."
Natsumi nodded, her face utterly serious.
"First, walk up to someone you like."
"Okay."
Noah gave the air a light punch.
"Then hit them. Closer to the philtrum scores higher."
"…Excuse me?"
"Excuse me?"
Natsumi and Yuria blinked at the same time. What had they just heard?
Yuria asked, looking as if her mind had left the building.
"Senpai. Why, exactly, would you have to hit them…?"
Noah answered as if the question itself were bizarre.
"Because that's what sticks in people's heads."
"W-well of course it would stick! You just punched a stranger in the face!"
Yuria couldn't take it anymore and shoved back from the table. Noah's expression turned ugly.
"Sit."
Yuria sat. Promptly. Meekly.
"That still doesn't make it okay!"
She was, however, the sort of person who said what she meant. Noah clicked her tongue.
"Listen to the end. You think that's the whole thing?"
"Then…?"
"You make them submit first. Then you talk."
There was not a shred of doubt in Noah's voice. The method was invincible. She had used it before, and it had never once failed.
"Friend, or half-cripple. Pick one."
"That's not making friends—that's how you bully someone!"
Noah flinched, then recovered with shameless speed.
"You've been picking at everything I say, Itchi. If you've got such a problem with my way, let's hear yours."
"E-eh? I mean, I…"
"Don't tell me you jumped in with nothing to offer. If that's the case, say so. I'll throw you a punch friendly enough to make us friends."
Yuria's eyes darted to Noah's fist. Impossible. She could barely look after herself.
Still, she could hardly say, Ah, that would be difficult, senpai, seeing as I have never once in my life made a friend. Her pride wouldn't survive it—and she rather wanted to go on living.
"Ahem."
In short, she needed an idea. Fortunately, she did have something to say.
"This is actually a very simple problem."
And so began Yuria's lecture on How to Be Popular. She raised a finger.
"The truth is, human relationships aren't a contest of how many points you can score. They're a contest of how few you lose. Being well-liked matters less than not being annoying."
"Oh."
Noah made a small sound of appreciation. She hadn't expected so much as an ant's worth of insight, and here was something that almost sounded like sense.
Natsumi's reaction was warmer still. Her eyes went round, as if she had just attained enlightenment, and she pulled a notebook from her jacket.
"W-wait just a moment."
She scribbled Yuria's words in shorthand, then looked up, shining.
"What's next, teacher?"
T-teacher……
Yuria swallowed. The enthusiasm was doing wonders for her mood.
"W-well then, I'll start with the things you must never do."
A coach didn't have to be good at the sport, after all. She launched in with real confidence.
"For example……"
"Hey, Ichinose. Wanna hit karaoke?"
"Hah. I haven't the time to indulge in such vulgar culture. Though I suppose I could consider it, given the gesture."
"Oh—sorry. If you're busy, you don't have to come."
"If someone asks you to karaoke, please do not be sarcastic. If you want to go, just say you want to go."
For reference…
"Also refrain from putting other people down to lift yourself up. You will be told, to your face, that you are unpleasant."
This was about herself.
"And please do not jump in to show off just because you happen to know something. The mood dies instantly."
This, too, was about herself.
"And, and……"
Noah caught Yuria's arm, her face dark, and shook her head.
"Stop, Itchi. You're making me miserable too."
"H-huh? Why are my eyes…"
Noah finally understood why Yuria was always camped out in the committee room.
It wasn't diligence. It was a complete absence of friends.
Natsumi, however, had apparently taken the lecture to heart. She looked thoroughly satisfied.
"Thank you so much! I feel like I'll have friends in no time!"
No. You're just going to become Yuria the Second.
Everything Yuria had said was basic human operating procedure. A normal person simply did not do the things Yuria did.
This is why you call in an expert.
Noah plucked the candy from Chise's mouth.
"Chise. You can come back now."
"Ah—oh. Okay."
Returned to the waking world, Chise blinked at the stranger in the room.
"Who…?"
"P-please try to pay a little attention to your surroundings."
Noah explained the situation to a visibly bewildered Chise.
Making friends was a kind of social art. And on that front, no one outdid a Fujiwara. Communication was the first and most basic tool of any businessperson.
True to her place as heir of the great Fujiwara house, Chise kept it simple.
"Couldn't you just tell them you want to be friends?"
"What?"
"…Not you too, Fujiwara-senpai."
Yuria shoved her chair back again.
"It cannot possibly be that simple! Please take this a little more seriously!"
She was reacting as if it were her own crisis. Chise looked faintly put upon.
"But saying you want to be friends is the most effective way, if that's what you want. So, Ichinose. What would you do if someone told you they wanted to be friends with you?"
"Th-that's……"
Chise smiled, bright and easy.
"Unless you truly couldn't stand them, you'd respond positively, wouldn't you?"
"Well… I suppose, but."
Yuria still couldn't accept it.
"That's just me. Popular people are different. If making friends were that easy, there wouldn't be a single loner left in the world."
Chise's expression turned awkward.
"Mmm. Ichinose. People are all the same. Talking to someone takes courage for everyone, which is exactly why they're happy when someone talks to them first. Maybe you're overthinking it? Right, Noah?"
Noah frowned.
"That won't leave a strong impression. A preemptive strike is still the most effective move."
Chise looked at her as if something inside her had gone cold.
"…Why would you think that?"
"Because striking first is a guaranteed win."
"I don't think that's the phrase for this situation…"
"Um… F-Fujiwara-san's advice does sound right, but."
Natsumi fidgeted.
"T-talking to people is a high bar for me. I am trying. It just… isn't working."
Empathy was Chise's blind spot. She simply could not understand why speaking to another person would be difficult.
"Hmm. That's a problem. That's the only method I know."
Which meant they had gone in a circle and landed exactly where they started.
Noah thought it over, muttering.
"Guess the only option is building her confidence."
Easier said than done. The only things Noah was qualified to teach anyone were useless tricks like how to dodge a bullet.
Still, she had said she would help. She had to find a way.
And then, something surfaced in her mind.
She had heard that certain American schools ran prison-visit programs to straighten out delinquents. A colleague in her previous life had actually gone through one and told the story. His dream had been to become a gang boss. After the program, it was to become a soldier. The thought that had stuck with him was simple: I never want to end up like that guy.
Nothing beats shock therapy.
Noah decided to act on it at once. Show her a horrific future, and the motivation would take care of itself.
For that, she needed to present the undisputed monarch of losers…
Everyone around Noah was yakuza.
As if a loser yakuza could possibly exist in this world……
Wait. Does one?
Noah gave a little clap.
"I've got a good idea."
And without a second's hesitation, she called Suzuki.