Mary Ann's Bargain
And on that communications screen…
"You miserable bastards! You think we'd just hand this ship over to the likes of you?!"
A middle-aged man — no, the pirate cruiser's first mate — stood clutching a Big Red Button that screamed I am the self-destruct switch! with every fiber of its being. His eyes burned with pure madness as he bellowed at the screen.
"Ignis, Belial — fall back immediately."
"Yes, Commander!"
"Understood. All units, withdraw!"
I had no intention of letting some lunatic of an old man vaporize my precious Super characters. I ordered Ignis and Belial — already deep inside the ship — to pull out, planning to gently shell just the bridge and "subdue" the cruiser that way.
But the very moment I moved to put that plan into action—
"Guh—?!"
The first mate, still glaring at me with murder in his eyes, suddenly made a sound like his breath had been cut short. He twisted around, managed a strangled "Y-You dare…," and then the strength drained from the hand gripping the button. He crumpled face-first in front of the screen and died on the spot.
Naturally, I stared at the spectacle with a giant question mark floating over my head, wondering what the hell had just happened.
As if answering that very question, a hand seized the dead first mate by the hair and flung him bodily out of frame. A moment later, a distinctly young-looking girl stepped into view on my screen and spoke.
"Hey, Oppa over there. Want to make a deal with me?"
A deal!
The screen cut her off somewhere below the thighs, so that was all I could see of her — but going by the figure that had appeared on the communications feed, she looked about as far from a pirate as you could get.
A black ponytail chopped off with zero regard for style. Eyes that mixed black and brown. Judging by her face alone, she still had a solid helping of cute left in her.
Her height was pure guesswork since her legs weren't fully visible, but she was clearly shorter than me — somewhere around five-three, give or take.
Even so, there was a reason I'd started thinking of the person on screen as "her" instead of "the girl" I'd first called her.
Her chest was so flat it barely registered as having any curve at all — bad enough that without her voice, you could have mistaken her for a boy. But the overall build, the wide hips and the shape of her thighs, made it clear the woman on the other side of the screen was an adult, no matter how you sliced it.
Anyway. After finishing that rapid visual scan, I didn't answer the woman who'd just stabbed the first mate and stepped into frame right away. I held off, buying myself a moment to get my thoughts in order.
Of course, that wasn't the only reason I was stalling.
"A deal, you say?"
"That's right. A deal!"
When my reaction came out lukewarm, she seemed to decide things weren't going the way she'd pictured. She slammed the table in front of her, pointed at the self-destruct button the first mate had dropped, and pressed on.
"You attacked us because you want this ship, didn't you?"
"Hmm… well, you're not wrong."
"Then we can just talk it out — quick and easy! So why are you hesitating, Oppa on the other side of the screen?"
I looked at the girl speaking to me without the slightest reservation, shook my head slowly, and answered.
"From where I'm standing, all I see is a situation where first the ship's first mate, and now some woman I've never met, are threatening me with a self-destruct button."
"Ah."
That seemed to finally click for her. She nodded once, then opened her mouth again.
"Then just promise me one thing."
"A promise? What is it?"
"First, confirm that you'll keep the promise."
In the middle of all this, she was somehow still in a rush — a cold sweat beading on her forehead as she pushed for an answer. I frowned, mildly annoyed.
"Do you usually sign contracts without even checking the terms?"
"Ugh… seriously."
Watching her get irritated — a girl whose looks rivaled even Pashtura, our officially designated beauty among the Supers — produced a little synergy with that already-cute face of hers, and I felt a tiny thump in my chest.
Of course, there was no way she could tell whether I was having that reaction or not through a communications screen. After a brief moment of thought, she seemed to reach a decision. She gave a firm nod and spoke in that characteristically bold tone of hers.
"Fine, I'll put it clearly. I will hand this ship over intact — no blowing it up — so take me in on your side for a while!"
"…"
It was a remarkably novel pressure interview. No — a pressure job application. Instead of answering right away, I found myself stuck on the more fundamental question of how I was even supposed to process this.
But that dilemma didn't last long. Jessica, who normally handled rear support and base management from the command post, hadn't been able to come this time — so Pashtura was standing in as temporary adjutant. Seeing me hesitate, she offered a careful word of advice.
"Mmm, Commander? May I say something?"
"…What is it, Pashtura?"
"Judging by that girl's attitude and the situation overall, I don't think accepting her would be a bad move for us."
And right on the heels of Pashtura's counsel, Jessica — who'd been monitoring the situation — chimed in over comms.
"Commander, I agree with Pashtura."
"You do?"
"Yes. There's no need to provoke her into blowing up a perfectly good cruiser."
That was hard to argue with. I weighed my officers' opinions, then answered the girl on the still-open communications screen — cold sweat and all — in a calm, even tone.
"Fine. I'll accept your terms."
"Really? Then, sorry, but there's one more thing I need to ask right away."
"…?"
The second she got her deal, she was already making a new request. My eyes narrowed — this was not a woman you could afford to let your guard down around.
And immediately after—
The communications feed zoomed out, revealing the entire bridge around her, and her "request" became crystal clear.
"Could you hurry up and come save me? Hehe."
Around the command seat where she stood, a dozen burly pirates had her surrounded, weapons drawn and ready.
The moment I saw that, I canceled Ignis and Belial's withdrawal order and issued a new one: take the bridge by any means necessary, and do it as fast as humanly possible.
After that chaotic free-for-all of a battle finally ended, I parked the fleet — newly acquired cruiser included — back at the base and immediately ordered the freshly recruited "pirate girl" brought to the command post.
"Yes, understood."
"We'll bring her at once!"
Belial and Ignis left on my order, and it couldn't have been more than five minutes before she was standing in front of me. Looking at the girl whose outfit was somehow too ambiguous to fully commit to "pirate," I opened her status window on the spot to figure out what kind of character she actually was.
As I'd mentioned before, there were occasional cases where you could recruit "pirates" into your ranks — and when that happened, their performance was usually solid enough to get your hopes up.
But the moment I actually saw the status window, a quiet disappointment settled in.
The pirate girl named Mary Ann was an utterly ordinary B-to-A-grade scrub character.
Even her trait wasn't anything special — just "Pirate," which slapped a harsh debuff on relationship values in exchange for buffs to a handful of stats. Her Magic and Magic Defense were decent enough, sure. But everything else outside of Physical Defense — her tankiness, basically — sat at a flat C-grade.
What I'd actually gained this time was a real pirate cruiser, and—