The Sanctuary of Hybras, Part 5 — Sirien Ilensia
"By the way, what's the deal between you two? Are you guys dating?"
"W-W-W... What?"
"Are you dating? Then have you guys kissed yet?"
"K-Kissed?! A child shouldn't say such things so carelessly!"
What on earth was this kid talking about?! A high-pitched shriek escaped my throat before I could stop it. My face burned so intensely that I began to fan myself with my hand. I wanted nothing more than to scold this cheeky little brat right then and there, but Rajen, standing beside me, merely offered a lukewarm reaction.
"We're not dating. We've just been childhood friends."
"R-Rajen is my knight. Is it... is it so strange for a S-S-Saintess to travel with her knight?"
"Ah~ I see. I was just curious. You two are always stuck together, so I thought you were dating. It was the same when I first saw you, Saintess."
"That was because Rajen was sick!"
When I first met Ruan, it was right after I had completed my deal with the Guardian. In other words, it was when Rajen was in grave danger. Looking back, I had been incredibly on edge. I had even violently brushed Melissa's hand away when she tried to wipe the sweat from Rajen's brow. It had felt as though I were surrounded by enemies on all sides, unable to let my guard down for even a second. I was terrified that if I took my eyes off him for even a moment, I would lose him forever.
"Don't you dare touch him!"
"He is sweating so much..."
"I will do it myself. Step aside. If Rajen gets hurt any further, I will never forgive you."
"Then I shall bring some warm water."
It was simply an outburst born of that terror. I didn't want to lose Rajen again. Because he was my precious knight. Because he was my only friend, the only one who truly understood me.
But he thought we were dating? Did that mean to others, Rajen and I looked like a couple? My mind became a tangled mess. One moment my head was completely empty, and the next, a flood of stray thoughts rushed in all at once, making me dizzy. I felt as if I could hear a strange ringing in my ears. The world spun. I wanted to stamp my feet in frustration, but I had to hold back lest I look bizarre. The sunlight beating down on me felt needlessly harsh. Somewhere deep in my chest, or perhaps on my cheeks, or maybe even in the back of my throat, a persistent itch tickled at me.
Calm down. For now, I've managed to make an excuse. Rajen had called me his childhood friend. I had excused our closeness by saying he was my knight, and that was why we traveled together.
An excuse? Was this really something that required an excuse?
I didn't like this. The kid who had asked the question had nodded and accepted it immediately, yet I was the only one still acting like a fool. I felt out of sorts. I couldn't explain it concretely, but a strange irritation bubbled up inside me. I bit my lip without realizing it. It hurt. If it had only hurt, that would have been fine, but I found myself resentful of the entire world. The tree next to me seemed to be mocking me. Perhaps I should just chop it down. Did it know that the only weapon I was truly skilled with was an axe? Axes were born to fell trees, after all. No matter how sturdy you are, you won't last long if I keep hacking away at you. You'd better behave before I get angry.
The cheeky, ill-mannered, rude, and irreverent brat was also a problem. After thoroughly scrambling my brain, Ruan quickly turned his attention elsewhere.
"Oh, there's Auntie Melissa. I think she's calling me. I'm going!"
"Sure. Go carefully so you don't trip."
"Ugh..."
Is he running away? Should I catch him? Rajen let Ruan go as if nothing had happened. I found even that sight slightly displeasing. In the end, I was the only one here who was shaken. It made me look like the only narrow-minded one.
Rajen stepped very cautiously into my line of sight.
"Sirien? Are you angry by any chance?"
"Of course not. Why would I suddenly be angry? There's no reason for me to be mad. Right?"
"It's just that your expression looked a bit dark."
"How dark?"
"No... I must have seen wrong."
"Yes. You must have."
I didn't know. I didn't know why I was acting like this, nor did I know why a child's words had made me so upset. What kind of relationship did I want to have with Rajen?
At first, I had simply wanted to keep Rajen as my own personal knight. That was why we held our private investiture ceremony yesterday. I had been happy. It was the fulfillment of a long-held desire. Every step felt as light as walking on clouds, as if I were drifting through a dream. In that moment, only Rajen and I existed in my world. If the world could be like that, I felt I could live forever.
But why did the question of whether we were dating make me so embarrassed?
To ask if we were dating must carry that exact meaning. Whether we loved each other. Love. I had heard the word often, but I didn't truly understand what it meant. My parents had certainly loved each other. I could tell just by looking at them. Affection practically dripped from their eyes whenever they looked at one another. And my parents had loved me as well. I had undoubtedly grown up surrounded by love. Both were forms of love. They say love between a man and a woman is different from the love between a parent and child, but how exactly did they differ?
On a night when the stars were scattered across the sky like spilled jewels, I had heard something similar while nestled in my mother's lap as she sat in her rocking chair. It was when I had asked her how she and Father had first met.
"We met at the debutante ball," my mother had said. "We were already betrothed back then, and I was the one who fell in love first."
"Really? What was Father like back then? Was he incredibly handsome?"
"Your father was a man as sharp as a winter wind. He acted as if he had gathered all the coldness in the world. I cannot tell you how many other young ladies he brought to tears."
"Did he do that to you too, Mother?"
"No. Just when I thought I had been betrothed to a terrifying man, he treated me with such warmth. Because I was so frightened of him, he always kept a distance of about three steps. I never dreamed that those mere three steps would be what made me fall for him."
I was only about five years old when that happened. Back then, Mother had looked up at the sky and smiled warmly. It was a smile that radiated pure, gentle happiness. I had envied that smile of hers. So much so that I had wished to become someone who could smile like that one day.
"Sirien. Love is an emotion that completely upends your life. It blinds your eyes, deafens your ears, makes what you once took for granted no longer so, and can even turn what was once good into something painful."
"Turn what was good into something painful...? Huh?"
"I used to think those three steps he so stubbornly maintained were a protective wall. I felt safe as long as he kept that distance. But as time went on, I grew to resent those three steps."
"Did Father treat you poorly?"
"No. Your father was exactly the same as always. He was a very polite fiancé, and I liked that about him. I believed there should always be courtesy and decorum between a man and a woman. I still believe that now. It is just that... it was not always a good thing."
My mother's hand had squeezed mine tightly. Perhaps it was because of that memory that I reached out and took Rajen's hand now. Though startled, Rajen quietly let me hold it without a word. Only then did the knot in my chest begin to melt away. It was absurd. To think that a heart so tightly wound and tangled could unravel so easily. My mother's voice seemed to echo clearly in my ears.
"I felt that since we now knew each other well enough, he could come just a little closer. Not three steps, but two. Or perhaps even narrowing it down to a single step. That is what I began to think. I could not help but resent the very wall that had protected me for so long."
"So did Father take a step closer?"
"No. He was such a block of wood, you see. He was so utterly dense that I had to go through so much trouble."
"You said that before, Mother. That Father is dense."
"Of course. He truly was a clueless man. My heart was constantly fluttering and throwing tantrums, yet he remained as unmoving as a mountain. It is a strange thing—you resent them but you do not truly hate them; you want them to come closer, yet you also wish they would stay far away. But Sirien, it is only after the heart wavers and throws countless tantrums like that, that you finally realize certain things."
Sometimes I resented Rajen, but in the end, I could never truly hate him. It was the same when he referred to me as his "childhood friend." No matter how Rajen had introduced me, I probably wouldn't have liked it. Honestly, Rajen was entirely innocent. It was all just my own childish tantrum.
"The tantrum itself is not what is important, Sirien. What matters is why your heart wants to throw such a tantrum in the first place. No matter where you look in the world, you will only see that one person. No matter what music you hear, you will only hear that one person's voice. When that time comes, you will know."
"Know what?"
"Love."
"Rajen. There's something I want to say."
"Yeah?"
"Well... I, I..."
"You?"
"You jerk, walk slower! My legs hurt!"
"Ah, sorry."
As expected, I couldn't bring myself to admit it. That I... that I liked Rajen? That I wanted to accept Rajen not as a childhood friend, but as a woman accepts a man? That I loved Rajen?
I could absolutely never admit that. If I did, then everything I had done for him up until now would retroactively become a courtship and a confession. That was simply out of the question. My pride would never allow it.
Therefore, I wasn't the one who fell in love first. It was Rajen who was infatuated with me, and I was merely willing to accept his confession if he ever made one.
Just you wait. In the end, I successfully claimed you as my knight. Taking all of you for myself won't be that difficult either.
"Give me your arm, not your hand. I'm tired, so I want to hold onto it as we walk."
"Uh... sure."
Even then, I had no way of knowing. That our relationship wouldn't progress a single inch for the next four years.