The Boundary, Part 6 — Sirien Ilensia
Night fell, as it always did, even on a rainy day. The forest, already gloomy beneath the heavy rainclouds, bled into a pitch-black dark. It was a sight I had seen so often I had grown utterly sick of it. I hated the night in this forest. I didn't expect the sun to shine all the time, but I still didn't want to spend my nights here. It was better when we were at the cabin. Back then, we could do everything together. Once Rajen fell asleep and I was left all alone, the loneliness was suffocating. I felt as if I had been cast out, completely alone in the world. Yet, Rajen seemed to think I was just afraid of the night.
Dummy. I'm not a child.
Anyway, I decided to take the first watch tonight. Since I had fallen asleep during the day, my mind was quite alert. Though that isn't the only reason. There was something—something small, incredibly small—bothering me, making it hard to fall asleep. For instance, our clothes. We couldn't wear damp clothes, so we had hung them side by side on the wall, but we didn't have any spares. Naturally, we were both left in nothing but our undergarments. If I were to cast aside the blanket wrapped around me right now, Rajen would see me practically naked. That was... incredibly embarrassing, even just to imagine. It was the first time I had ever exposed so much of my bare skin. Even now, I was on edge, terrified he might see something. Honestly, if anyone were to see me, I felt like it would be fine if it were Rajen, but for some reason, he was the one person I didn't want to show myself to so easily.
Besides, this blanket brought about a dilemma either way. Our unwritten rule was that the blanket belonged to whoever was sleeping. But right now, I was the one wrapped in it, and Rajen was half-naked. The blazing campfire illuminated Rajen's body all too clearly. A physique hard to believe belonged to someone my age. The boy who always stood in front of me.
You have so many scars.
I had seen them occasionally while wrapping his bandages, but I hadn't realized it was this bad. The reddish wounds were recent. The slightly duller ones must have been from a little while ago, currently healing. And the marks that were slightly lighter than his natural skin tone were all scars—scars that would remain for the rest of his life. Now, no matter where I looked on his body, I saw wounds or scars. There were so many that it made me feel the pain myself.
I'm so sorry. You must have endured all of this in my stead.
I barely suppressed the urge to reach out and gently stroke his wounds. Instead, I softly called his name.
"Rajen, are you asleep?"
"Not yet. But I think I will be soon. Why?"
"I thought you might be uncomfortable sleeping like that. Why don't you come over here?"
His drowsy voice drifted back to me. When I patted the ground beside me, Rajen crawled over sluggishly. He looked too lazy to even stand up. I needed to get him to sleep quickly. I carefully slipped my legs out from under the blanket. My white legs were fully exposed. Should I not have done that? No, it's fine. He has his eyes closed anyway. I gently lifted Rajen's head and placed it on my lap. Rajen slowly opened his eyes, meeting my gaze. His blue eyes were heavy with sleep. Seeing his slight surprise, my lips naturally curved upward. Rajen's body temperature was always a bit higher than mine, so he felt warm, almost hot.
"What's this all of a sudden?"
"Why? It's comfortable like this, isn't it? Go to sleep. Should I sing you a lullaby tonight?"
"A lullaby? Forget it."
I would have actually sung one if he had asked. He always plays hard to get in the strangest ways. We're the exact same age, yet he acts like he's the only adult here.
"Your legs will fall asleep."
"It's fine. I'm doing this because I want to."
"Wake me up if it gets too hard."
"Okay."
Despite his grumbling, Rajen didn't move from my lap. I was glad he didn't dislike it. If he had, I might have been a little hurt. It took a lot of courage for me to do this, after all. I held my breath, waiting quietly until Rajen fell fast asleep. Indeed, I hated the night, but it wasn't entirely unbearable.
The darkness was terrifying. I had hated it even back at the castle. Whenever the lamps happened to go out, I would invariably have nightmares. When the wind blew, it felt as though ghosts were wandering nearby, and if I heard footsteps, I felt as if something was about to pounce on me at any second. To be honest, even now, I couldn't bring myself to look at the corner of the cave. I knew nothing was there, but the absolute darkness made me uneasy. But you need the night, don't you? During the day, you never let your guard down, always looking so tense. When night comes, I love being able to see you sleeping so peacefully like this. Watching you makes even the terrifying night bearable.
Thank you, always.
How can I ever repay my debt to you? Whenever I think about it, I feel so helpless. My chest tightens. As you well know, I am no longer the precious young lady of the castle. The most I can do for you is offer my lap like this from time to time. You keep protecting me, yet I can give you nothing in return. I hate myself for that. Once you strip away everything I was given at birth, I suppose I am just a very small, insignificant child.
I should have learned magic back at the castle. Or at least joined some religious order. If I had, wouldn't I be of some help to you now?
On second thought, maybe studying theology would have been better. If I had, Rajen wouldn't have this many scars on his body. I could have healed his aching flesh. For that, would the God of Light have been best? Though I wonder if it's alright to think of using a god so conveniently.
In my memories, Father always said that one must reward the loyalty of their vassals. I believed he was right. Their loyalty should never be taken for granted. It is a devotion that must be duly compensated. I was taught that the reason a knight is willing to risk their life for us is because they trust we will reward them accordingly. I took Father's words to heart. And Rajen was my one and only knight. We hadn't held a formal knighthood ceremony yet, but such a ritual didn't matter in the slightest. Rajen had already protected me time and time again. If Rajen wasn't my knight, then no one else in this world could ever be.
Yet, I had nothing to give him. In a place like this, my name was utterly worthless, and there was no guarantee things would change even if we managed to escape this forest. Thus, I couldn't bring myself to make empty promises. Because I might not be able to keep them. And you are the one person I never want to lie to.
Thinking coldly, even if we reached the Eloran Marquisate, there was no guarantee things would go smoothly. We only believed it held the highest probability of success. Nothing was certain. That old man was, in the end, a stranger. If I failed to prove my worth, he would undoubtedly discard me without a second thought. Just like my uncle—no, Count Roxen—had shown, humans were creatures capable of betrayal at any moment. Demons constantly waged war, and humans constantly broke trust. So, I decided to never trust anyone again. I had always been a fast learner. Having been burned once, I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. The only exception was Rajen. I would trust no one but you.
Before I knew it, my hand had reached out toward Rajen's hair. As I stroked it gently, his expression seemed to grow even more relaxed. He seemed to like it, so I decided to keep going. Softly, so as not to wake him. Exceedingly gentle.
Your hair has grown so long. You look much better with it cut short. It's a shame.
It must be itchy when his hair pokes his eyes. Since I was already stroking his hair, I tucked it behind his ear to tidy it up. Seeing his forehead for the first time in a while made him look much better. Rajen would probably never know. He would never know how incredibly cute he looked when he was asleep like this. Besides, my knight had quite a handsome face—enough to bring a warm, satisfied smile to my lips just by looking at him. The people at the castle used to say Rajen looked too fierce, but they only said that because they knew nothing. The only reason I never argued back was because I wanted them to remain fools. Idiots who couldn't recognize a treasure right in front of them. Let them live in ignorance forever. I would never tell them. Rajen was the greatest treasure I possessed. And I never bragged about my treasures. Because others would covet them.
My knight. The most precious person in the world... my one and only knight.
You are everything I have. You made it that way. So, if the day ever comes when I must give you something... I will give you everything I have as well. My life, and this very existence you saved.
Ah, he must be having a good dream. I should ask him what it was when he wakes up.
I waved my hand slightly in front of Rajen's face. My knight didn't react at all. He was fast asleep. What possessed me to do it? Before I realized what I was doing, I found myself pressing my lips to Rajen's forehead. *Chu.* The sound was louder than I expected.
Ah! I shouldn't have done that. I must be out of my mind.
Just that brief touch of my lips made my entire face flush hot. My cheeks burned so intensely that even pressing my hands against them did nothing to cool them down. If a stranger had seen me, my face would probably... No, no. It would be a disaster if a stranger saw us like this. My mind spun, and I was too embarrassed to even lift my head. Even though there was no one around to watch, the embarrassment was unbearable. It felt as though something was poking me in the back. Tonight felt like it would be exceptionally long.