Ruin (4) — Hena
I didn't want to believe it. I blinked several times, desperate to deny what my eyes were seeing. I prayed that I had simply misseen. It had to be that this insolent girl had lost her mind. If only this were a bad dream, that would be enough. I would beg for forgiveness a thousand times over, if only I could wake up to find my young master completely unharmed.
But reality did not change. The young master was still bleeding profusely, and a battered, wounded Rajen was supporting him. I hated this cruel reality. My throat tightened, choking back my words. Hic, hic. Only after forcing open my constricted throat did actual words manage to escape my lips.
"N-no... Young Master. No. You can't, Young Master!"
His wound was too deep. Of all places, his throat had been slashed. The very neck through which Master Therion’s precious breath flowed, from which his beautiful voice resonated. How terribly it must hurt. He was someone who, though he tried not to show it, would whimper even at the smallest scratch. He was also faint of heart when it came to blood, always refusing to look at his own injuries.
I saw his hand trembling violently. If someone like me could suffice, I wanted to hold it, but I had to stop the bleeding first. It felt as though the world were turning upside down. The air around me grew thick and suffocating, choking the breath from my lungs. A grim, heavy helplessness welled up from the depths of my soul.
Did he sense my despair? The young master's hand twitched slightly. Yes. He was still alive. I barely managed to pull myself together. First, I had to do what I could.
"Rajen. If you can move, could you please go call the young lady? She should be hiding in the basement. There are bandages and herbs nearby, too."
"Yeah. I'll be right back."
Should I wait for Rajen to return? I couldn't. Every single second was precious. I had to tend to the young master's wound immediately. I tore at the hem of my skirt, ripping it apart. Fortunately, it tore into a usable shape on the first try. I immediately wrapped it around the wound on his neck. Again and again, I wrapped and pressed down.
Rajen and the young lady returned, and I asked her to tend to Rajen. Even as bandages were being wrapped around Rajen's body, I kept wiping away the young master's blood and applying pressure to his wound. All the while, the crimson blood stained my hands. No matter how much I wiped, it wouldn't stop. I had to close the wound somehow, but it was too wide, too deep. Just looking at it made me feel his agony.
Suddenly, a faint groan escaped the young master's lips. My heart sank. The air around us felt incredibly heavy. I couldn't even lift my head.
"The blood... the blood won't stop. No. Young Master... what do I do? My young master. Ugh, hic... sob."
I shouldn't cry. Crying would only blur my vision. But I couldn't hold it back. The sheer guilt of having the young master's blood all over my hands was unbearable. Knowing I couldn't treat him like this, I wiped my tears, but the blood on my hands smeared across my face. It felt as though his warmth was touching me. With blood staining my hands and face, I fell into the illusion that I was the one who had killed him. I'm sorry, Young Master. I'm so sorry. It should have been me who died. You are not someone who should be lying here like this. Such a fate is far more fitting for a lowly girl like me.
"It must hurt so much. You must be so scared. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's my fault... I'm so sorry for being useless."
I wish I could take the pain instead. Seeing you like this is so agonizing, my heart feels like it's tearing to pieces. If only I could bear your suffering. O cruel God, I know I did not pray often. I know I was an unfaithful believer. So I will not ask for much. Just save the young master, somehow. I will gladly pay whatever price you demand. Even if this body of mine is shattered a thousand, ten thousand times, I do not care. Even if I must wander hell for eternity in torment, I will accept it. If only the young master can stand on his feet again one day, I will do anything.
You did nothing when my parents passed away. You remained silent when I climbed onto the manor's window ledge to end my own life. The one who saved me was never God—it was always the young master. And now, he is hurting. A person infinitely more precious than someone like me is suffering right now. At this rate, he might die. Please. Please help him. Anyone, please help the young master. Take whatever you want from me, but please, do not take him away.
"Young Master, Young Master... sob, hic... ugh..."
I didn't want to admit it, but I had to. I was of absolutely no help to him right now. All I knew was how to tend to minor scrapes. I had only been taught that if a wound this large occurred, I should seek help from the nearest soldier or knight, so they could ride off and bring a priest. Until then, all I could do was press a scrap of cloth against the wound and wipe away the blood. Stupid, foolish girl. You spent your whole life serving your master, yet you are utterly useless to him when it matters most. How dare you harbor feelings of love with a pathetic existence like this? I loathed myself so much I could barely breathe. My vision blurred again as the tears continued to spill.
The young master's hand gripped my wrist.
"It's okay, Hena."
How can you say it's okay when you're hurt like this? You never said a word in front of Rajen out of pride, but you whimpered in pain every single day when you came back from training. You're usually such a crybaby, so why won't you say it hurts now? Beside us, the young lady was weeping. I wept too. It felt as though all the sounds of the world had ground to a halt. I couldn't hear anything except the young master's voice.
"You can stop now. I don't think... I'm going to make it."
Please don't say that so calmly. I'm so scared you're going to leave me. You are my everything, Young Master. If I lose you, I have nothing left.
"Hena, you did your best."
"I... I couldn't do anything!"
"No one else could have, either. For me... having you all here at my end... is enough."
The young master was still holding my arm. I could feel the strength in his grip gradually fading. No. Please don't let go. I really would have done anything for you. I buried my love, endured the pain, cast aside my jealousy, and carved away my own heart. I could do all of that because I could still look at you. That alone was enough to keep me going.
"Please don't die. I don't want to live in a world without you."
"Hena."
"It's my fault. It's all my fault."
"How could this be your fault? Don't say that."
No. It is my fault. To be honest, I didn't hate our life here. I hated that you had to be in a place like this, but that was the only thing I hated. Preparing your meals every day and sleeping in the bed next to yours made me so happy. My heart fluttered at the thought of always being by your side. It was so similar to the life I had once dreamed of—a dream I had no right to harbor. I used to imagine us living together in a small cottage. I dreamed of bearing your beautiful children, of occasionally sharing a warm smile with you. That must be why I am being punished. Because I dared to dream such wicked dreams.
"I told you not to cry... Ah. It's a bit cold."
"Please, please. No. I don't want this. Young Master... please."
"I'm sorry. Rajen, I'm counting on you to keep your promise."
"Rest easy. I haven't forgotten."
"Thank you..."
The young master let go of my hand. A torrent of emotion overwhelmed me. I sobbed uncontrollably, heedless of Rajen and the young lady watching. I wept so hard that I didn't even realize when I collapsed. When I finally woke up, my eyes were swollen and painful. The young master was lying peacefully. His eyes were closed. His breath was gone.
I was by his side. Rajen and the young lady were nowhere to be seen. They seemed to have stepped out for a moment. Perhaps they had gone to gather firewood? In the Illencia Grand Duchy, it was customary to cremate the deceased. Rajen was badly injured himself, so he could have easily woken me to help, but he must have been considerate of me. He knew how deeply I loved the young master. Perhaps he wanted to give me some quiet time alone with him.
I smoothed down the young master's hair. It was a task I had done countless times, but today, his hair felt unusually stiff. Whenever it got like this, I would make a shampoo by mixing water infused with flower petals, olive oil, and egg yolk. That always made it soft again in no time. He had always been blessed with such beautiful hair.
"You know, Young Master... what I told Rajen was true. I loved you, but simply being by your side was enough for me. But now, I can finally say it."
His skin was pale, devoid of warmth. Yet, hoping a tiny ember of life might still remain, I pulled him into a tight embrace.
"I love you, Young Master."
I finally uttered the words I had kept locked away.
"I loved you more than anyone else in this world. I loved you even though I knew it could never be. Every single night, I would replay your words in my mind. I would have spent the rest of my life loving you."
How ironic. These were the words I wanted to say most, so why did I have to say them at the very moment I had dreaded imagining above all else?
"I really can't let you go like this."
A world without you would be far too cold. I want to see you make those silly, goofy faces again. Sometimes dependable, sometimes like a child, sometimes so mature... without you, who showed me so many different sides of yourself, I cannot go on living.
"I could never be united with you in love in this life."
But, Young Master. Do you know? I still have one last chance to be with you.
"Just wait for me a little longer."
I'll be right behind you.