The Black Cat's Regret
There are a few creatures whose very existence symbolizes misfortune. The black cat that people in the empire often speak of, or the crow that's considered an ill omen in distant eastern lands. In truth, they're neither harbingers of doom nor anything of the sort. Just symbols twisted by conspiracy theories until they hardened into a single meaning. A stereotype created by the masses. And in Floyd's eyes, I was exactly like one of those black cats...
Hup...!
"Huuuugh...!"
Suddenly, my heartbeat quickened in the center of my chest, and I could feel something slowly rising up inside me. My train of thought snapped off naturally, replaced only by a familiar sense of dread flooding my mind.
Of all places, in the bathroom...!
After Sebastian took my low kick dead-on and headed to the infirmary, I'd ignored that white-haired bastard and slipped into the bathroom to fix my makeup. But as thoughts of my past kept swirling, it was like my body had activated some kind of defense mechanism to shut down those ominous memories. It started with my breathing growing tighter and tighter, as if something were squeezing my windpipe, then spread into a tingling sensation across my entire body.
Ugh, every single time I think about the old days...!
Paper bag, where did I put the paper bag...
Clinging to my rapidly fading vision, I braced myself against the bathroom sink and frantically patted down my pockets until I found the emergency paper bag in my back pocket. I pressed it over my face. The moment I stopped thinking and focused solely on breathing while staring at the bag covering my face, the hyperventilation that had rushed into my lungs vanished like it had never existed, and my breathing slowly returned to normal.
"Fuck... This is seriously the worst."
How could my body react like this every time even the slightest thought of the past slipped out? There was no way it could feel good.
Once I'd collected myself and looked around, I saw that the area around me was a complete mess. All sorts of things had spilled from my pockets while I was desperately searching for the paper bag.
"Ugh..."
My body was still tingling from the hyperventilation, but I couldn't just leave the floor like this. I bent down to pick up the scattered notebooks, makeup supplies, wallet, and everything else. That's when my eyes landed on something that had been flung far away.
It was a pentanite-based magic herb for smoking. It must have come tumbling out when I flipped my pockets inside out. I picked up the discarded magic herb and checked to see if it was damaged. At the same time, an intense impulse surged through my mind.
...Should I smoke it?
I hesitated for a moment at the shortcut to pleasure that had appeared before me.
No, that's not a good idea...
I quickly came to my senses. There was no way I could do that even at the academy. I shoved it back into my pocket and finished cleaning up the floor.
...And besides.
For some reason, I had a feeling Sebastian would hate it. If I smoked the magic herb, the smell would cling to my body. Yeah, of course he'd dislike that. Of course, it's not like I care about a guy like him or pay him any attention because of what Fay said. And it's absolutely not because I wanted to look good for him that I came here to fix my makeup while he was in the infirmary. It's simply because of one question.
I'm sure he received orders from the Floyd family too...
The family's manual was clear: manage me with zero emotion, purely businesslike, without any personal conversation. All my butlers and maids received brainwashing-level training like that. And Sebastian, just like the others, had treated me in a strictly professional and rigid manner ever since he first started working as my butler.
So why is he suddenly showing me that kind of attitude?
It was an attitude no one in the world I lived in had ever shown me. It wasn't the businesslike way the servants treated me, handling me like some precious object. It wasn't the vulgar lust that occasionally showed in the way they slowly scanned and coveted my body. And it certainly wasn't the disgusting pretense of caring for me, the hypocrisy, or the contempt filled with jealousy.
The way he truly looks at me as me, treats me like a person, and sincerely tries to protect me even from my own shitty attitude.
Some people might call that the mutual respect that humans should naturally receive from one another. But it was something I'd never experienced before. Even Fay, who had been the first to approach me, hadn't looked at me with such gentle eyes from the very beginning, putting me first.
And now someone who had received our family's education as a butler was harboring these feelings toward me.
B-besides...
Ugh... Just thinking about it is embarrassing. He said I'm the prettiest person in the entire academy! When I first heard it, I thought he must have lost his mind. There are so many beautiful people at the academy! He'd been walking around with me and seen plenty of them, so why would he say something so mortifying!
But... I didn't exactly hate it.
Well, on the surface I'd thrown a tantrum and gotten angry, but having someone who genuinely liked me for who I was felt pretty nice.
And even though he tried to play it off by saying he just wanted to protect me...
Those glances that contained zero lust, purely wanting to look at me, and those eyes that gazed at me so... gently! There's no doubt he likes me, right?
Of course, even that must be consideration toward me...!
A noble lady and her butler in love? In high society, that would only become a laughingstock. When I'd asked him directly if he liked me, Sebastian had wisely deflected my impulsive question. ...Of course, deep down I'd thought it would be nice if he said he liked me.
Thinking about it now, that was insane...!
What would I have done if he'd really said he liked me? Would I have actually accepted it? Looking back, I hadn't even considered rejecting him harshly at the time, so maybe I really would have.
I'm seriously crazy...!
I fanned my burning face with my hands, trying to calm down as much as possible. R-right, I definitely don't have any interest or feelings for that guy. This is just simple curiosity, nothing more. Even if he confessed to me, I'd definitely kick him to the curb!
While I was lost in all these thoughts about him, I somehow found myself leaving the bathroom and arriving at the infirmary where he was.
"..."
What should I say when I go in? Should I apologize for kicking his leg? Ask if he's okay first? Or maybe... Why did I suddenly come here—no, no, that's obvious. That white-haired guy might have given him some half-assed treatment, but there's no way it was perfect! His leg must still hurt, so that's why he came. Yeah, I'll just act like I normally do. That way he won't feel uncomfortable either.
I'd just made up my mind to open the infirmary door when—
"Eek?"
At that exact moment, a beautiful older woman with black hair suddenly burst out from inside and ran off somewhere in a hurry. I let out a high-pitched scream in surprise, but either she didn't hear me or she was pretending not to notice to spare me the embarrassment. Before I could even apologize, she had already disappeared into the distance.
"...What was that?"
Was that our academy's infirmary teacher...? Where could she be rushing off to in such a hurry? She couldn't have done something to Sebastian and then run away, could she? Nah, no way. I shook my head to dismiss the groundless suspicion that had popped out of nowhere.
I opened the door again with determination. Ugh, I'd been thinking about that guy the whole way here. Looks like my thoughts are drifting in that direction too...
Where is he...?
The beds in the infirmary had curtains drawn around them, but I could roughly make out the silhouette. Of course, there's no way I wouldn't recognize my own butler! I yanked open the curtain where Sebastian should be and said,
"Hey! Your leg—"
"...Who are you?"
Shit, wrong one. I quickly closed the curtain, and from the bed right next to it came what sounded like Sebastian's voice. Convinced this was the real one this time, I excitedly approached the curtain again. But what I heard Sebastian muttering to himself up close was utterly shocking.
"Does this mean I should just die..."
Wh-what? Why suddenly talk about dying?
Hearing his words, I froze in shock, my hand that had been reaching for the curtain stopping midair. As if to prove that what I'd just heard wasn't some hallucination or delusion caused by withdrawal symptoms, another sentence drove itself into my ears.
"My life... How the hell did it get so twisted like this..."
"..."
Hearing that, guilt immediately washed over me, leaving me unable to move even a single finger. It made sense. The reason he was suffering like this right now was probably because of me. That's right. Sebastian had gone against the family's education to like me, yet my behavior today...
Did I trample all over Sebastian's feelings...?
Asking if he liked me, then spitting out every horrible thing I could think of. Treating him cruelly. And on top of that, using violence serious enough to send him to the infirmary. From Sebastian's perspective, it must feel like his world is collapsing.
A heart that's been broken like that... Sebastian will probably give up on me in the end. Or maybe he'll even quit being my butler. If I think about it more extremely, he might even give up on his own life...
That absolutely cannot happen!
I fidgeted anxiously in place as I thought back on everything Sebastian had done for me. He'd treated me coldly like everyone else, but maybe he'd been hiding his true feelings all this time according to the manual? Come to think of it, his attitude toward me had always felt somehow warmer than the other butlers...
Anyway. He'd finally mustered up a bit of courage today, only for me to act like this...!
That's right, definitely...!
-Slap!
At that moment, the sound of someone harshly slapping their own cheek came from inside the curtain. My racing thoughts came to a halt. I stared blankly into space for a moment before snapping back to my senses and shaking the curtain to signal that I was coming in.
I didn't know exactly what was going on, but I felt a strong urge to stop whatever negative thoughts that guy was having right now. If he was slapping his own cheek hard enough to make that loud of a sound, whatever he was thinking definitely wasn't something to laugh off!
"I'm sorry, I'll be out soon."
When he heard my signal and pulled back the curtain to come out, his face was just as haggard as I'd expected.
"...My lady?"
And the way he quickly composed his expression the moment he saw me, returning to that polite face as if nothing had happened, was proof that my guess had been correct.
"I'm sorry. You must have been surprised when I suddenly said I was going to the infirmary without any proper explanation."
...This crazy idiot. Even in a situation like this, he's thinking first about a disgusting woman like me who does nothing but get angry and throw tantrums every day?
What made me even angrier than the situation itself was the fact that I felt happy hearing him say those words—thinking of me even while he was this broken and struggling.
"Hic..."
Suddenly, small droplets began to form in my eyes. My hand, which had reached out to grab him, lost its way and floundered before finally giving his arm a light tap and falling away.
"Hey!"
Even while thinking about him like this, even while devoting every corner of my mind—no, my entire mind—to him, the words that came out were,
"Is this because of me? Are you saying you want to die because I treated you like shit, that your life is ruined? Are you even hurting yourself?"
Just accusations and words that didn't sound like they contained any real worry, only condemnation. What must you think of someone like me? Maybe after this incident you'll come to hate me with disgust. I hope you won't. I hope you'll continue to like even someone like me and stay by my side.
...As expected, I really am a disgustingly repulsive woman. No. I guess I'm more like a black cat.