What Am I Supposed to Do? - 3
A-Young: You looked pale earlier. Are you okay? Sorry. I was so late getting back to you because I’d been at the recording studio....
A rabbit emoji rubbing its hands together miserably.
For some reason, I could feel A-Young’s guilt in it.
I replied to the message at once.
“I’m fine. I was just startled by meeting someone I know. I even had dinner with Representative Baek and the others.”
A-Young: Oh, I see.... That’s kind of amazing.
That ended with a relieved rabbit emoji.
I tucked my phone back against my chest.
“...”
Then I sat back down at the outdoor table and tried to sort out my thoughts alone. The line Baek Hyang had drawn on the ground was still there, unchanged.
①[②]③④
“...”
There’s a more intuitive way to mark this for me than that.
I renamed the first two lines.
Ⓐ[Ⓓ]③④
The time line where the Big Plan began.
The loop in which I decided to help A-Young and Do-dam, respectively.
And the loop in which bonds and karma began to accumulate.
The time line I was in now was D.
The shamanic concepts tied up in regression are hard to wrap my head around, but if I only look at the conditions for achieving the goal, it’s simple enough.
Put another way, regression was a kind of resource-gathering game. The loops I had spent so far, evading fate and wasting time pointlessly, had been nothing more than matchmaking time.
Now that the real game had begun, I built up a resource called karma by doing the behavior the judge wanted. The regression period was the time limit for this game.
The difficulty I’d been given was three months.
“...”
My three months are three times the length of Senior Baek Hyang’s one month. She said she saved hundreds of people before the regression ended, so does that mean I have to do something more than three times that to finish?
The target for the resource was unclear.
But in the previous loop, I had definitely satisfied it to some extent.
My Bigman activities.
That was the resource my regression demanded of me. The trials and fate I’d been given could only be overcome by acting as Bigman.
-The conditions the spirits want are strict. If a person you’re fated to meet appears, they’ll really test you for ages. Sometimes they even wreck their chosen one with obsession instead.
An eternal god’s obsession.
And with a man, no less.
It had a strangely creepy ring to it.
“...”
Is there some god out there who likes an ordinary twenty-seven-year-old man?
What on earth was the spirit attached to me, that it had gotten so absorbed in supporting a tiny VTuber? I couldn’t even guess.
A spirit connected to VTubers or money? Truly a worldly monstrous oddity.
That thought crossed my mind.
Anyway.
I kept sorting it out.
Next was bonds and karma.
Bond and karma are basically mid-save points.
If you gathered enough resources and both the judge and the player were satisfied, then you cleared the stage. If you failed to meet that standard, you picked either bond or karma and started again in the reset run.
If I choose bond, I get more help from other people. If I choose karma, I finish the regression quickly on my own.
-Of course, it’s not as neat as a game mechanic. Everything influences everything else indirectly. And one person can only do so much, so in the end you have to do it with someone else.
Senior Baek had warned me about that.
“...”
As I slowly drew lines on the ground and organized my thoughts, I finally started to understand.
When I talk to Senior Baek, so many unfamiliar concepts come at once that I can’t sort them out in my head. Maybe it’s better to do this alone like this.
Once I finished organizing my thoughts, I remembered what had happened earlier.
“I wonder if Senior Baek got home safely.”
Earlier, after I’d finished putting my mind in order, Baek Hyang and I had agreed to meet again. So she called a taxi and headed back to Representative Baek’s home. Before leaving, she had said this to me:
-And you don’t have to keep calling me teacher.
-Pardon? But....
-I’ve never taught you anything, and I have no intention of forcing you to worship the sun, moon, stars, and gods. I just helped you as someone who walked this path before you.
-That is precisely the sort of kindness worthy of being called “teacher.”
-You make me uncomfortable.
-That can’t be helped.
I had said,
-Then from now on, I’ll call you Senior. You walked this path before me and taught me along the way.
-Suit yourself.
In the end, Senior Baek Hyang said,
-Your regression is obscenely hard to predict in its direction, and I understand why you’d keep your distance from others so you don’t get hurt. Still, it would be good for you to remember how to live with people again.
-Why?
-Because beyond regression, the thing that helps you is bond. Just as our meeting was.
“...”
I put down the branch.
Then I stared blankly up at the sky. In the clear blue sky of mid-June, with early summer approaching, a few billowing clouds drifted lazily overhead. Clouds I might never see again.
One by one, faces I had met so far rose up in each of those clouds.
A-Young
Do-dam
Ae-ri
Senior Baek
Dr. Jang
Representative Baek
Attorney Kim
And....
...A-Young from the previous loop.
I slipped a hand into my pocket. My fingers brushed against a crumpled ten-thousand-won bill. A token of a bond that had begun with some foolish, accidental encounter.
“...”
And with my other hand, I touched the expensive necktie and tie pin.
“...”
Without question, this loop had more value.
The distance between me and A-Young in this loop remained the same.
And I had gained more happiness from more people.
But still.
Was that past, that previous loop, merely a stepping-stone that had to be denied? Was it nothing more than a clumsy series of mistakes and failed attempts without meaning?
If the time to “clear” ever came,
was I supposed to throw that time away and keep this time line instead?
“...”
-Boss!
“...”
The moment I was about to answer something, another voice rang out from far away.
-Leader!
“!”
So I looked down.
Do-dam was standing below, sweaty and beaming, carrying a huge box. She had walked up the hill while wobbling this way and that on her tiny frame.
Wasn’t she at Berry Dream Castle because of the broadcast?
I hurried over to her.
“Do-dam.”
“Ah, wait, wait, wait, move! My arms are killing me from carrying this!”
“Ah, yes.”
Do-dam, still sweating, set the box down on the outdoor table. Through the slightly opened gap, glossy colors and a sweet smell drifted out.
Mochi?
When I looked at it, Do-dam made a slightly embarrassed face.
“Uh.... Well. The thing is.”
“...”
“The rice cakes came late earlier. I tried them and they were good. So....”
“Yes.”
“So.... Boss, if you couldn’t eat them, I thought you’d be upset. So I brought them.”
“All this way?”
“It wasn’t that far. I came by subway.”
“...”
Berry Castle was a twenty-minute drive from here. By subway, with two transfers, it would have taken at least forty minutes. Thinking about the effort she’d made made my chest feel suddenly heavy.
What helps me, beyond regression, is bond.
With that thought in my mind, Do-dam fidgeted and said awkwardly, sweat still beading on her face.
“And....”
“Yes.”
“When you saw the shaman earlier. You didn’t look too good either....”
“Did I not?”
“Yeah, I did.”
Do-dam scratched her cheek.
“I mean, this is the first time I’ve seen you look so shocked.”
“...”
For that alone.
For that one thing alone.
She had carried this heavy box here for over forty minutes....
“...”
“Was that... unnecessary meddling?”
“Not at all.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to let her say that of herself, as though it had been pointless. So I bowed my head with complete sincerity.
“Thank you... very much.”
“Ah, what?! Why are you bowing all of a sudden?!”
“Thank you.”
“Ah, come on...!”
Do-dam pressed at my shoulder with both hands, her tiny palms insistent. There was embarrassment in the gesture, and when I lifted my head, she was smiling bashfully.
“Did you eat a lot for lunch?”
“...”
I did eat cold noodles, but I’m not even sure where they went.
That was how shocking my meeting with Senior Baek had been.
Maybe that was why.
All at once, I felt strangely hollow.
I guess I’ve been thinking too much.
I shook my head. Then Do-dam pointed at the box.
“Then try a few. They’re good.”
“Yes, thank you.”
The moment I reached for the rice cakes, I noticed the dirt caked onto my hands. Traces from handling the branch while organizing the regression structure.
So I had to stop.
I don’t want to eat the rice cakes Do-dam went to trouble to bring with dirty hands.
“...”
“Hm? What is it?”
“My hands are too dirty.... I’ll go wash them.”
“Oh, really?”
Do-dam shoved a hand straight into the box. Then she lifted out a rice cake and held it to my mouth, smiling brightly despite the sweat on her face.
“Ah!”
“...”
I accepted it quietly. A bright smile spread across Do-dam’s face. Next to that smile, a few strands of hair clung to the sweaty skin of her cheek.
She asked,
“Is it good?”
“...”
It was sweet.
The moment I put it in my mouth, a savory fragrance of oil rose up, and as I bit into the soft rice cake, sweet honey spilled out. As I felt the pleasantly springy texture, it melted away at last, leaving behind a sugary aftertaste.
“It’s delicious.”
“Really?”
“Yes, thank you. I would’ve been in trouble if I hadn’t gotten to eat it.”
“What about the shock?”
“The sweetness calmed me down.”
“!”
Do-dam grinned brightly. The trouble of carrying the heavy box seemed to be repaid by that one answer. Her laugh was lively, like a blue butterfly in spring.
“Hehe, glad to hear it.”
“...”
Bond and karma.
Regression and the past.
Spirits and chosen ones.
VTubers and investors.
None of those terms could explain the value of that smile.
In this very moment,
another time I couldn’t afford to lose was carved into my mind.
*
Sitting side by side at the outdoor table,
Do-dam showed me her phone.
“A ton of people came. Is it because of the collaboration with RD?”
“...”
On the phone screen, a line of people was visible, all enjoying Berry Dream Castle. They hugged pink teddy bears and looked blissful. Watching them, Berry spoke from the large display.
“How does Berry’s special fragrance smell~?”
“Berry is the cutest in the whole world!”
“Hey, I’m asking how the scent is~!”
“Berry is the cutest in the whole world!”
“Heehee, who made all this?”
“Berry, the cutest in the whole world!”
“...”
“That’s intense.”
“I guess the fans love her that much.”
“No, I mean Ae-ri unni’s conditioning.”
“...”
I’ll admit that.
Do-dam and I watched the livestream while eating the rice cakes. Before long, the bottom of the box came into view. It felt a little like overeating, but for some reason I couldn’t stop.
At this rate, I might not even need dinner.
Do-dam said,
“Ugh. By the way, Boss, do you play games these days?”
“Games?”
“Yeah. Online, mobile, whatever. If you’ve got something you play, I can help with daily quests and stuff. I’ve tried just about everything.”
“...”
I was about to say no, but then I mentioned the problem at hand in terms of a game. I just wanted to lay it out in this comfortable atmosphere.
“I play console games.”
“Ah, right. For value, that’s the best.”
“But I have a concern.”
“Huh?”
“I have to choose just one save file, but one was opened when I first got the game and I muddled through it badly, so it’s a mess full of mistakes. The other was planned from the beginning and progressed relatively cleanly.”
Do-dam tilted her head.
“Then why not save the second one?”
“...”
Without thinking, I added,
“But the first save file has an event in it that I can’t just pretend doesn’t exist.... Something I can’t see again. That’s why I’m still torn.”
“...”
Do-dam thought about it with a serious face.
“Hmm. Is it one of those dating sim games? There are games like that now that mess with your save files....”
“...”
“Hmm. Mmm. Hrrm.”
“Sorry. That was a useless worry....”
“Then, hey.”
“?”
“Can’t you just increase the memory slots?”
“...”
“Why not just copy everything over and save it? Back up the file where you made your choice and just keep all of them. That’s what I do when I play games that force multiple endings.”
“...”
I never thought of that.