I Don't Want to Send You into God's Arms.
“Did the exam go well?”
“Minister Morris? Why are you...?”
Emir called out his name in a flustered voice. Had he ever come to her first like this before? At least as far as she knew, not since their broken engagement. Not once had Morris sought her out on his own. Not even when she was bedridden with illness.
Morris hadn't visited her then, either.
“I heard you applied to become a holy knight.”
“That's none of your concern, Minister.”
“Why not?”
“Pardon?”
Morris took a step closer.
“Isn't it your business, of all people's?”
“Have you been that interested in me?”
“I've always been interested in you.”
“You say that so smoothly. Wasn't it always me coming to you? You've never once come to me first.”
Perhaps because she'd been thinking of Morris right up until the divine power test. Her words came out sharper than intended.
“Holy knighthood must be that impressive. The great Minister Morris, who never even visited when I collapsed from lovesickness, has come to me first.”
“It's a big deal. The emperor's faction's precious daughter abandoning everything to devote herself to the gods.”
“Did you come here just to mock me?”
Emir's voice rose, choked with emotion. Her vision blurred. Even when she'd collapsed from pining for him, unable to forget, Morris hadn't shown his face once. He hadn't come when she was at her most desperate and lonely. But now, just as she was trying to let it all go, here he was.
'Wicked man.'
He was so wicked. Selfishly refusing to let her go, keeping her in his grasp. Why? Why couldn't she escape it?
“I heard you picked up the sword again because you wanted to grow stronger. Is this your choice?”
Morris gestured toward the entrance of the grand temple.
“Yes. This is my choice.”
“You'd blend in easily with the temple folk. Priests believe all are equal under the gods, so no special treatment. But is that really connected to true strength?”
Morris took another step toward Emir.
“I don't think so.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Bartram is a capable teacher. Are there any stronger than him inside?”
Emir fell silent. Everyone in the empire knew the holy knights of the church had grown weak. Even a swordmaster like Bartram was nowhere to be found among them.
“So you came to mock me after all. To look down on my foolish choice and insult my ignorance.”
“I tell you plainly, no.”
“Then why did you come? Does it bother you so much that I'm joining the church? You, who never visited me on my sickbed, coming all the way here yourself?”
As Emir ground her teeth...
“Did I ask if you dislike you joining the church?”
Seeing Emir scowl, I felt my heart pounding wildly. Just making her sad had my heart in chaos.
Thump, thump.
I let out a sigh, keeping my distance so she wouldn't hear. My brow furrowed deeply. But coming this far had calmed my racing heart somewhat.
'Is that it?'
The feelings this body held for Emir.
I clenched my teeth, steadying my ragged breath, and opened my eyes. Meeting her glare, her eyes narrowed in anger, my chest ached.
She hates me now. She truly hates me this much.
I should be glad. I should be happy that Emir hates me.
Why does my chest hurt like this?
“I don't want to send you to the church. Why should I? Do you think you'll grow stronger there?”
“I'm not yours, Minister Morris. Joining the church is my choice.”
“To grow stronger?”
Feeling my heartbeat settle, I took another step forward.
“They'll just bind your strength with a bunch of doctrines. That's what that place is.”
“My strength?”
“I saw the light leaking out the window just now.”
“That's just speculation.”
“That's reality. Suppressing the strong amid internal politics. That's why the church's power has weakened.”
Emir's face flushed with frustration. She wanted to argue but couldn't find the words, just pressing her lips tight.
The more I spoke, the stronger my desire not to let her go grew. Even if she hated me. Even if she hated me more.
I wouldn't send her.
“You want to grow stronger?”
“......”
“Come to me instead. If you want, I'll make you stronger.”
I made an offer I'd never have considered before.
“Do you think you're unqualified?”
“You're a mage.”
“Is there a law saying mages can't teach knights?”
I could teach far better than those church knights.
“Why... why are you trying so hard to stop me?”
Tears welled in Emir's eyes as she looked up at me. Eyes that didn't understand.
“You pushed me away and rejected me all this time. Why now? Why try to hold onto me now?”
I hesitated. Why had I come here?
Because this body wanted to see you, Emir.
No. To stop you from devoting yourself to the gods.
Why? Because I like you. More precisely, this body likes you. It might sound strange, but the body does.
But I couldn't say Morris's body couldn't forget you. I couldn't reveal I was the possessor. I couldn't convey the true meaning.
Words swirled in my mouth. What should I say?
'Would you understand?'
Would you not get hurt by my words?
“I said even being your concubine was fine. You were the one who refused me. Why...?”
Tears glistened in Emir's eyes as she spoke.
“Why hold onto me now?”
Maybe my mere presence hurt her. But I couldn't take it back.
Had I ever held her gaze this long? I didn't want to look away. She was beautiful. So beautiful I wanted to keep watching. Beautiful enough I didn't want to let anyone else have her.
But how to explain the disconnect between this body and my soul as a possessor?
'Look what happened to the empress who revealed she was a possessor.'
I couldn't reveal it. I just...
“It's all political reasons.”
“That's all?”
Hiding my true feelings, speaking lies.
“But I never forced you to learn from me. The church doesn't suit you. If not me, then learn from Bartram.”
The training would be grueling.
“You don't understand, Minister. You have no idea why I'm going this far, even into the church.”
“Why are you?”
“I can't say.”
I looked at her. Her eyes reddened, but she said nothing.
“A reason you can't say.”
She was like me. Mutual unspoken truths. A relationship unable to bare our hearts.
That was the distance between us.
“Then what should I do?”
“You shouldn't have come.”
“We're still former fiancés. When my ex-fiancée is making a life-changing choice, of course I come.”
“So you'll teach me the sword?”
Flames sparked in Emir's eyes as she looked at me.
“Yes. If that's what you want.”
'How could I say it?'
That I wanted to enter the temple to forget Morris. That I couldn't have him by my side for that.
Biting her lip hard, Emir brushed past Morris. She steeled her resolve. She would enter the temple. That was her choice.
Even if Morris had come, she wouldn't abandon her goal of forgetting him.
“Is that so.”
Morris's sad voice came from behind her.
But he didn't stop her. As if coming this far was his last act of restraint. Just letting her go in silence.
If that's all it was...
'Why appear before me and shake my heart?'
Emir's chest ached at the fact that Morris didn't hold her back. She still wanted to cling to him, but the wounds from before held her back. She feared reliving the pain of approaching him.
Her heart tore as she walked away.
“Haa.”
Back at the Magic Tower, I let out a sigh.
'Why did I do that?'
I didn't want to let her go. I'd only planned to pretend to stop her, to quiet the body's complaints.
But seeing her, I truly didn't want to send her to the temple.
Didn't want to? That I could teach her better than those church knights?
I'd spouted nonsense in the heat of the moment. Swordsmen and mages walked different paths entirely.
Ridiculous.
'Emir and I have crossed an uncrossable river.'
If she learned the noble faction assassins who attacked her were ones I sent...
She'd curse me.
Her maid died because of me. She nearly died because of me.
'And yet I said to keep her by my side?'
In that moment, I truly wanted to.
'Am I being overtaken by Morris's body more and more?'
This was trouble. Real trouble.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. My head throbbed.
As if blaming me for not holding onto Emir properly, my heart squeezed.
Thump, thump.
I looked at Morris in the mirror. Handsome face. Cold, aloof expression exuding chilly charm, tall and perfectly proportioned.
Truly flawless on the outside.
“Morris. What are you thinking, tormenting me like this?”
You damn bastard.
A heavy sigh escaped.
Then.
“Minister.”
Jane's voice.
“What is it?”
“An invitation arrived.”
“From where?”
“Solarion. But...”
“But?”
“It bears the emperor's seal.”
“What's the reason?”
“A commemorative party for rescuing Lady Solarion.”
“A party?”
“Yes.”
A party to tout how the emperor's faction covered up the noble faction's plot. Laughable.
The noble plot wasn't stopped by the emperor or his faction.
I stopped it. Exactly as I'd planned from the start.
The emperor's faction did nothing.
'If this is what you want, Emperor.'
I'll play along. But not just play along.
“Understood.”
I thought of Cecilia. The time to evacuate her was approaching.
While the emperor basked in his illusory victory.
I'd use illusion magic to send her out of the capital.