Jealousy (4)
Concerned by how dejected Ma Chao had been, I found myself making my way to her estate, where a servant ushered me into the guest room.
The room hung heavy with an awkward tension and a suffocating silence.
The moment I looked at Ma Chao's face — she who was normally so lively and spoke in that bold, hearty manner of hers — she immediately dropped her gaze to the floor.
...This is uncomfortable.
Remembering how she had teared up and apologized earlier, unlike her usual self, I couldn't suppress the frustration building in my chest.
She kept her head bowed, unable to even meet my eyes — a far cry from the confident young warrior I was used to seeing.
A long silence stretched on, and by the time I noticed, the warm tea the servant had brought had gone lukewarm.
...I can't just sit here doing nothing.
I couldn't bear this oppressive quiet any longer.
Lately, so much work had piled up, and she kept picking fights no matter how many times I tried to rein her in, so I'd snapped at her without thinking. Looking at it objectively, though, it hadn't really been worth getting angry over.
It wasn't as if she'd increased my workload or caused me any real trouble.
I hated the idea of things turning awkward between us over something so trivial. We had years of friendship built up as childhood companions, after all — I needed to find out if I'd done anything to hurt her.
Determined to break this heavy silence, I brought the lukewarm tea to my lips and finally spoke.
At the movement of my hand, Ma Chao flinched and startled like a skittish guard dog.
After wetting my throat with the tea, I opened my mouth.
"Ma Chao. Why did you do it?"
"...I'm sorry."
All I got in response to my simple question was a listless apology.
"I want to know why you kept picking fights with Pang De. If I know the reason, I can try to keep you two from clashing as much as possible."
It surely couldn't be something petty like jealousy over Pang De's martial prowess.
Ma Chao had a proud, competitive streak, but she was also refreshingly open-hearted — she'd challenge a strong opponent to a duel, but she'd freely acknowledge their strength when it was earned.
If their personalities simply clashed, then all she'd have to do was stop visiting while I worked.
Which meant there had to be a different reason — one worth her getting this angry over.
History hadn't recorded much detail about any discord or friendship between the two of them, so I was admittedly a little on edge.
"Can you tell me what it was about?"
Ma Chao fumbled at the edge of her mouth for a while, then turned her head away from me and spoke in a small voice.
"...I was jealous."
Huh? What did she say?
For a moment, I assumed I'd misheard her and asked her to repeat it.
"About what?"
"About how close you've gotten with Pang De! It made me so jealous that's why I did it—!!"
Apparently, saying it once was embarrassing enough — Ma Chao, her face burning scarlet, practically shouted the words out.
Wait, what?
Her answer was so far outside anything I'd expected that I could only sit there dumbfounded.
Why would Ma Chao be jealous of Pang De being close to me?
"...Why? Is that really something to get worked up over?"
"Of course it is!! You're my friend! But you're glued to that pretty girl's side every single day, and you get nosebleeds, and you're always grinning at her like an idiot!!"
"Let me correct that. I've never done any such thing."
The nosebleed happened because I was drowning in work, thank you very much.
I'd felt embarrassed when Pang De leaned in close, sure — but I couldn't recall a single moment where I'd grinned like a fool at the sight of her.
If anything, I found it baffling that Ma Chao was getting jealous over Pang De clinging to me.
...Why, of all people, Ma Chao?
Do you know who Ma Chao is?
One of the Five Tiger Generals of Shu Han — anyone who claimed to know the Three Kingdoms would have heard her name.
Among them, she was as renowned for her beauty as Zhao Yun in the Romance — and so, in this world where she'd been born a woman, she was a staggering beauty as well.
It was hard to wrap my head around someone like her feeling jealous.
As her childhood friend of six years, I'd thought I understood her emotions reasonably well. Had I been wrong?
"...Why are you jealous, though?"
I asked out of genuine curiosity.
"You're asking because you don't know?"
There was something in her cold tone — as if she were embarrassed to even say it — that made me wonder if maybe, just maybe, it was what I suspected.
Perhaps... romantic feelings.
It was absurd, ridiculous on its face — but then again, being reborn into the world of the Three Kingdoms made no sense either, if you really thought about it.
And I had been born reasonably handsome — I had just the tiniest bit of pride in my looks compared to my past life — and I did know she held some affection for me, her childhood friend.
The thought that a beauty like Ma Chao, called the finest in Liang Province, might harbor feelings for me made my heart skip a beat.
"Could it be that you—"
"You're my childhood friend, that's what you are—!!"
"......"
A wave of cold water seemed to wash down my spine.
So that wasn't what she meant after all. For some reason, I felt embarrassed enough that I could hardly keep my face up.
My heart chilled, and I felt like I'd just downed an entire bowl of kimchi stew in one gulp — that particular flavor of humiliation.
Oblivious to my frozen reaction, Ma Chao let out a sigh and continued.
"To me, you're my childhood friend and the closest person I have. But then Pang De showed up, and watching her get close to you — it just got under my skin."
Though that wasn't the entirety of why Ma Chao herself had grown jealous of Pang De, she lacked the courage to bare her whole heart, and so she still held her true feelings in reserve.
"That's why I got jealous before I even knew what was happening."
"...I see."
"...Why did you suddenly go all deflated?"
Ma Chao looked at my somewhat stiff face and asked with visible concern, but I simply waved it off, insisting I was fine.
There's no way I can tell her I thought she was in love with me.
If I did, one more black mark of history would be sealed forever — the day I drank that full bowl of kimchi stew.
Well, at least now I knew the cause of the rift between Ma Chao and Pang De. I opened my mouth to try to mediate between them.
"Your positions are different from Pang De's, aren't they? So what is there to be jealous of?"
"...Different how?"
"Pang De is my adjutant and bodyguard, sworn to serve me — but you're my closest friend, and my one and only childhood companion. Naturally, what I feel for you as a person is different."
Just as I was Ma Chao's only friend her own age, my one truly close childhood friend was Ma Chao and no one else.
Back when I'd met the other warlords of the region, I'd found their temperaments coarsened by war-ravaged Liang Province — they treated the powerless common folk with contempt and disdain.
Naturally, I kept my distance from them as people. In my childhood, when my father was always busy, the only one who kept me company was Yan Xing.
We were rare souls who had traded all manner of wild memories, growing up leaning on one another.
Aside from Yan Xing, the only one of my own generation was Ma Chao.
I'd mistakenly thought Ma Chao had fallen for me, but honestly speaking — if I hadn't poured all my time into improving the people's lives and had instead treasured my time with her more... it wouldn't have been strange for me to fall for her.
She was every bit as charming as that.
Setting aside the occasional violence she inflicted under the pretext of "martial training," that is.
So it was only natural that she held a special place here.
"You're my precious childhood friend, and one of the only people who's understood me since we were young. Isn't it obvious that I think more of you than of Pang De?"
"......Ah. Ah, yeah?"
Ma Chao scratched her head, flustered by my words, though the corners of her mouth curled up, honestly betraying her delight.
She's cute.
That candid side of her was charming in its own way.
It was a smile brimming with the innocence of youth — hard to believe this was the same fierce general who'd slaughtered rebels on the battlefield not long ago and sown terror into their hearts.
"Ahem, ahem. Right. Of course I'm the more special one."
The dejected expression from before gradually transformed into one of triumphant pride.
That overflowing confidence suited her radiant golden hair so much better.
Watching Ma Chao recover her spirited energy, I felt a quiet warmth settle over me.
"So you don't need to be jealous of Pang De. You definitely don't need to fight her — your roles are different, so just support me in your own way."
"...Yeah, I guess I did go too far."
The jealousy that had filled Ma Chao's heart toward Pang De eased a little.
Hearing Han Yeong say she mattered more to him than Pang De had lifted her spirits considerably, and even her mind felt lighter.
"So, no more fighting, then?"
"...Honestly, I don't appreciate you lecturing me about my attitude, but fine — I'll do as you say. Come to think of it, she officially joined our army, and I never even congratulated her."
Pang De was a comrade who'd earned great merit by taking the head of the rebel leader, and Ma Chao inwardly felt ashamed for treating her with hostility over an emotion drowning in jealousy.
"I'll meet with her separately later, offer my apology, and make peace."
Hearing Ma Chao promise to reconcile with Pang De, I felt considerably relieved.
Thank goodness. Crisis averted.
"But remember this — the one who guards your side is me, your childhood friend. That much I won't yield to Pang De."
"Yes, yes. Now get some rest. You look exhausted."
"Huh? You're leaving already?"
As I rose from my seat to head home, Ma Chao caught my arm.
"It's late. There are plenty of spare rooms — just stay the night."
"I appreciate the offer, but I've still got work I haven't finished. See you tomorrow."
"...Tch."
Ma Chao's face showed unmistakable disappointment.
...You really do only see me as a childhood friend, right?
Half convinced and half doubting it because of how Ma Chao had acted at the end, I stepped outside — where Pang De was waiting for me, and I headed back with her as my escort.