I Was Sorry for Harboring Such Disgusting Feelings Toward You

I followed Min Sihyeon around the back of the old building, toward a corner of the school where hardly anyone ever came.

Neither of us said a word on the way.

Little by little, the noise of the festival faded behind us — as if to announce that the festival was over now, that everything was.

…As I walked, I organized my thoughts.

Why on earth was Min Sihyeon acting like this?

At first… to be completely honest, I'd felt embarrassed. And a little wistful, too.

Because I'd known I wasn't in her heart.

Because I'd known she was looking somewhere else — at someone who wasn't me.

I'd thought stepping aside quietly was the right thing to do.

But everything that happened at the festival today had proven that thinking wrong.

That day, in that empty classroom —

when I realized that the girl I'd believed was my friend for years had, all this time, been seen through with 'that kind of gaze' — well, no. When she realized it.

When someone who'd never been hers confessed out of nowhere, practically crowing over a confession letter that was never even meant for him.

…How creepy must that have been?

Walking to school together, pressing a hand to her forehead when she had a fever, walking arm in arm. All those hours where I'd casually offered her my side — they must have all looked different after that.

Disgusting. It must have been disgusting.

Thinking of it that way, everything made sense.

Why she showed up at our club booth hand in hand with Kim Minhyun, of all people. Why she glared at our board game table all afternoon. And finally… why she'd gone out of her way to call me out today.

'Hey, Kang Suho. Look. This is the kind of guy I like. Not something like you.'

…That was what she'd wanted to show me. Obviously.

The reason I kept leaving her DMs on read was, truthfully… fear.

No matter how I answered, I figured it would look like an excuse in her eyes.

…Thinking about it now, not answering was probably for the best.

Either way, in Min Sihyeon's head, I doubt Kang Suho had ever registered as anything more than 'a creepy human being.'

I don't think Min Sihyeon's heart was simply cruel.

After all, if you'd been suddenly ambushed by a confession… you'd have earned the right to react that way.

Honestly, I think what she did took guts.

If it were me… I'd have just played dumb and avoided it for the rest of my life.

She came straight at it head-on, to end things.

So today, let's end it.

The surrender she wanted — I'd say it myself. Out loud, with my own mouth.

Before long, in the shadow behind the old building, Min Sihyeon stopped walking and turned around.

"Kang Suho."

She stood with her arms crossed, glaring at me.

But… I could see the fingertips of those crossed arms digging into the fabric of her sleeve, knuckles white.

"What is wrong with you? Seriously?"

All the words she'd been bottling up — all the things she'd clearly rehearsed — came pouring out.

"You keep avoiding me. You leave all my DMs on read. You run away whenever I try to talk to you. And now even the girls have all gone weird. Eunha, Arin… they all treat me like I don't exist. Like I'm the only one who's not a person to them."

"…Why do you keep making me a pariah? What's the reason?"

"…"

"If you're mad about something, just say it. If there's a misunderstanding, let's… clear it up. That way we can go back to how things were—"

"…Misunderstanding?"

My voice came out lower than I'd intended. Min Sihyeon flinched and shut her mouth.

"There was never anything to misunderstand. …Sihyeon."

"I… liked you. Since elementary school. The whole time."

Her eyes wavered, wide and shaking.

"Ringing your doorbell every morning so we could walk to school together, helping you with your homework, going to your place to cook for you… half of it was because we were just friends. But the other half— it wasn't. That was ulterior motive. I did it because I liked you. More than… a friend should."

"…What?"

"Today, I tried looking at it from your side. A guy you trusted as a friend, who you let walk beside you… and a guy who 'didn't even like you' — turned out he'd been looking at you with 'that kind of gaze' the whole time. When you found that out… how horrifying must that have been."

Min Sihyeon's mouth hung half-open, frozen.

"W-wait a second. Kang Suho, what are you even—"

"…What am I saying? I'm explaining why you've been like this lately. Especially today."

I looked her dead in the eyes and said it.

"Coming to our booth holding hands with Kim Minhyun. Staring daggers at us all afternoon. All of it… you did it so I would see."

"…Was it revenge, then? Because I confessed to you?"

The color drained from Min Sihyeon's face.

"…Re…venge?"

"…I get it. You had every right. I would've done the same."

"No! That's not it, I never—"

"It's okay. I know everything."

For the first time, I cut her off — gently.

And then— I bowed at the waist.

"For all this time— I'm sorry for harboring such disgusting feelings toward you."

"…"

"I'm sorry that all I carried was something filthy… and that I spent years pretending to be an ordinary friend, staying by your side. From now on, I promise I won't get in the way of your life ever again. So…"

A tear… traced a single line down my cheek.

"…please, just let it go now."

When I straightened up, Min Sihyeon was… staring at me, her mouth hanging half-open.

"…What… what are you even saying. I… I never thought of you that way…"

Her voice cracked as she sobbed, words scraping out in broken, hoarse pieces.

"…If you never thought that, then why today… why did you insist on coming with Kim Minhyun?"

"You remember that I liked you. Of course you do."

"…Min Sihyeon… did you really want to rub salt in the wound?"

At those words, Min Sihyeon stopped breathing.

"Th-that's… you… you've got it wrong, Suho. Just calm down for a second… if we just talk this through calmly, things can go back to—"

"Things can't go back. To how they were."

"…What?"

"What is this 'how things were' you keep talking about? Waking you up in the morning, walking to school together, cooking at your place… that's what you mean, right? But all of that— was just my one-sided love. There was never some 'normal'… nothing in this world was ever guaranteed to us from the start."

"…"

"I'll talk to the girls. Tell them to stop treating you like that. It's not their fault. It's all… because of me."

"If it felt like you were being ostracized… I'm sorry. That was never the intent. …Really. You've got plenty of other friends around, so…"

Min Sihyeon forced the words out, her voice drained of all strength.

"…I don't have any friends."

"The ones you used to have… you took them with you, didn't you."

"…I never stole anyone, Min Sihyeon."

"I never once told anyone to shut you out. The ones who came to the Cooking Research Club… that was their choice. Their own will."

Just then, faint and far away, beyond the wall, the sound of a band's guitar began to ring out.

…The band club's performance — Kim Minhyun's — must have started.

"…Well. I'm going. Gonna go watch the show. …Kim Minhyun's performing, right? You'll be late. …Take care."

I turned away.

"Hey… wait. Kang Suho! Hey!!"

I heard her calling after my back, but I didn't look around.

Because if I did… I might start thinking differently again. Because I was afraid that once more… I might come to harbor 'disgusting feelings' for her again.

Yeah. This was enough.

This was… the ending she wanted. The one Min Sihyeon wanted.

I started walking again — back toward where the Cooking Research Club was waiting,

toward the one place… where it was okay for me to exist.

Kang Suho… walked away.

I… couldn't move, as ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠if I'd been nailed to the spot.

What was that? What was that, just now?

Disgusting… feelings?

Revenge?

Every word I'd rehearsed— crumbled to dust in my hands.

I… I just wanted to clear up a misunderstanding, that's all.

But he was… talking about something completely different from me.

Me… taking revenge? Because his feelings for me were disgusting?

Never. Not even once. I'd never… thought anything like that.

And yet.

And yet… in his eyes, every single thing I did had looked that way, hadn't it.

When he was talking earlier, I wanted to grab him and argue — to say no, that's not it, none of it —

but honestly, even I had things gnawing at me inside, and the words wouldn't come out of my throat.

After I'd accidentally rejected his confession,

while Eunha and Arin had both fallen head over heels for the Cooking Research Club, and I'd started feeling like they were shutting me out…

Arin had egged me on, I'd texted Kim Minhyun, and we'd even gone on a festival date.

…So that was what it looked like. Revenge.

To him, all of it must have read as one single message — 'This is the kind of guy I like. Not something like you.'

…What… what on earth have I done?

"…Ah…"

My legs gave out, and I slid down against the wall, crumpling to the ground.

Even now, Kang Suho's words were churning through my head.

I'm sorry for harboring such disgusting feelings toward you.

He'd bowed at a perfect right angle. In formal speech. The way you'd apologize to a total stranger… he'd apologized — to me.

The boy who used to bicker with me in casual banter, the easiest, most comfortable person in the world — he'd used those words.

You were the one who sat and ate with me, when I'd be eating alone in a house with no mom or dad. You were the one ringing my doorbell every morning. You were the one who got marked tardy right alongside me. Kang Suho.

If all those countless hours get written off as… disgusting feelings, as something to apologize for…

then what am I supposed to be? All that time I spent with you… what does it ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠become…?

The tears came flooding. I didn't even have a moment to muffle the sound.

And the strange thing was— I didn't even know what to call these tears.

Was I crying from sadness? From frustration? From the injustice of it all?

Or… was it because of something else entirely?

After I'd been crying for who knows how long… my phone rang in my pocket.

The name on the screen:

"…"

I stared down at the screen for a long while… then scrubbed my face with my sleeve and took a few deep breaths.

My voice. Get my voice under control. Like always.

"…Hello? Yeah, Minhyun."

Come to think of it, the band's music that had been drifting over from far away had stopped at some point.

…I should ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠have gone to watch, at least for a little while.

The voice on the other end of the line…

was breathless, and it was all worry for me.

The guy who'd just come off stage. The center of all that cheering…

the first thing he'd looked for when he stepped down was apparently me — who hadn't even been in the audience.

"…Sorry. I'm feeling a bit off… so I was getting some air."

[No, I'm sorry! Hey, I'll head over right now. Where are you?]

This state of me — this, more than anything, I could never let him see.

Me, collapsed at my ugliest and most pathetic… absolutely not.

"…D-don't come. Right now, I… um… anyway, there's… there's no need to come. Minhyun."

[Oh… okay… got it. Sihyeon… take care of yourself, okay!]

And just like that, the short call was over.

"Ah… ahaha…"

The laughter just spilled out of me. Hollow, empty laughter.

Was it a mistake… from the very beginning — showing Kang Suho that letter?

Did I… ruin this entire relationship all by myself?

Again and again and again… the thought keeps coming back. Like someone whispering that everything is my fault, that this is what I deserved.

And again, the nausea rises from somewhere deep. My chest feels tight… twisted, like something inside me is warping.

Hold it in. I have to hold it in… I force the urge to vomit back down my throat.

Was it wrong — me, developing feelings for Minhyun in the first place?

What kind of person did I even look like, to the others? Why did my friends… just cut me off like that, without a word?

Even Minhyun… even if he found out I was the one who wrecked all of this… would he still look at me the way he does now?

Far away, the announcement signaling the close of the festival echoed faintly across the grounds.

For a long time after that… I couldn't bring myself to stand up.

My uniform skirt, my socks, my shoes… all of them were caked in dirt, but I had no strength left to rise—

and there was no one left anymore… who would help me up.