Chaekho Boy's Ssireum Shenanigans
"Ah, fuck. Why the hell does this bastard have such a small dick."
"Uh, um. Everyone, stay safe and don't get too excited. Dismissed."
With the magistrate's brief speech at an end, the county ssireum tournament kicked off. The early rounds were usually kids' matches, so crowds didn't show up much, but today was different.
"Chaekho Dongja! Over here!"
"Come on up!"
"Wooo! Chaekho Dongja!"
I was slotted for the first match. Stripping off my upper clothes and tying on my ssireum belt around my waist, I stepped onto the sand ring. My opponent climbed up from the other side.
"Hey, long time no see?"
It was Beom-chang-bok, one of Kim Hui-un's gang—the same prick who'd dragged me into this ssireum mess in the first place.
"Looks like you haven't been training, huh? Gained some weight? Heard you got beat by our bastards last time?"
"What're you talking about? They started it by beating up Eori first, so I just gave 'em a little payback."
"Hey, you lowborn trash talking like that?"
"Lowborn my ass. His Majesty himself officially recognized me as a filial son. What's lowborn about that? But your body..."
I trailed off on purpose, eyeing Beom-chang-bok up and down. True to form as the son from the county's second-richest family, his build was...
"What? Scared? Regretting stepping up?"
Jiggle jiggle. Fuck yeah, I regret it. Regret it big time.
Sure, he had the body of a rich kid, but it was straight-up childhood obesity. Hell, in modern times, they'd rush him straight to the hospital. A gut that could house quintuplets, tits sagging from gravity, huffing like a steam engine every breath he took. And the thing grating on my nerves most...!
Ah, fuck. Why the hell does this bastard have such a small dick. So goddamn annoying.
"Hahaha! What a guy! He's got guts!"
"Even Chaekho Dongja might struggle a bit against that."
"Nah! Our young master will win easy!"
The adults around eyed his severely obese frame with proud smiles. To them, who'd gone hungry half their childhoods, he was basically a prime specimen.
"Beom-chang-bok! Kim Si-jin! Step forward!"
I-bang, officiating as referee, directed us. We faced off in the center, and he grabbed our hands, guiding them to each other's ssireum belts. Which meant I had to press skin-to-skin with this prick Beom-chang-bok.
Ugh! Gross! So squishy! So soft! Annoying as hell!
No helping it if I wanted a proper grip on the belt. I had to bury my face in his shoulder.
"Hey, say you're sorry. Do it now and I'll let you off."
Beom-chang-bok whispered cluelessly, his face buried in my shoulder. Swallowing vomit, I bided my time and muttered softly.
"Hey, lose some weight."
"What?"
"Lose weight. If you're this fat as a kid..."
"Why? What happens?"
I didn't answer his question. Waited till I-bang stepped back and shouted.
"Begin!"
"Your dick gets fucking tiny!"
"?!"
A man's pride. A man's symbol. A man's weapon. Hearing it'd shrink threw Beom-chang-bok into total panic—he froze up completely. Exactly what I'd waited for.
"Hup!"
I hooked my left foot diagonally across his right, then shoved hard to the right with my head on his shoulder and my grip locked on his belt.
"Wha—?!"
Thud!
Predictable outcome. Caught off-guard by the sneak attack, he toppled sideways without resistance.
The crowd watching erupted in cheers.
"Woooah!"
"Did you see that? See Chaekho Dongja drop that big lug?"
"I missed it! Too fast!"
It felt different from judo tournaments back in modern times. I stretched both arms out wide in a victory pose.
"Woooow!"
"...!"
Beom-chang-bok, on the other hand, blinked in a daze, unable to believe he'd lost. Then he sprang up, kicking sand, and whined.
"I-bang sir! I-bang sir! He cheated! Distracted me by talking!"
"What? That's standard."
Didn't he know trash talk? Oh, right—English term.
"I-bang sir, I won, right?"
"Uh, um...!"
It happened so fast even I-bang hadn't caught it. But I was standing, and Beom-chang-bok had sand on his knees.
"K-Kim Si-jin wins!"
"I-bang sir!"
"Truly, I-bang sir! I dedicate this glory and honor to you! Thank you! Your cheers and support touch me deeply! Thank you all!"
I didn't even give Beom-chang-bok time to protest. Bowed politely to the crowd and stepped off the ring.
"Th-that fu...!"
With all eyes and cheers on me, he had no shot at complaining. Grimacing like the sore loser he was, he slunk away.
"Heh heh heh. Well done, my boy."
"W-Wow! Master! That was...!"
"Hahaha! As expected of our Chaekho Dongja!"
Back at the waiting area/stands, my mom and Eori's family welcomed me. I soaked up their praise while slipping my top back on. One win down. That alone earned me a seom of rice. Quitting now wouldn't be a loss.
But bigger rewards awaited, so I kept quiet and waited.
"Next! Yun Seong-bae! Jeong Cho-san!"
...Huh? Wait a sec.
"M-Mom. I don't wanna wrestle anymore."
"Huh? Why the sudden change?"
"Why?! Mom, does that guy look 13 to you?!"
Yun Seong-bae in the ring was a straight-up beast. Taller than most adults, easy to topple—but those roided-out muscles, massive chest, and fluffy chest hair...!
"Hey! Be honest! You're not 13, right?! Right?!"
"S-Son!"
"You're not 13! Bet your pubes are thick down there too! How the hell are you 13?!"
"Kuhahaha!"
Even hearing my genuine scream, Yun Seong-bae just laughed heartily. More booming than Eori's Hwacheok dad, with a voice thickened past puberty, he bellowed.
"Chaekho Dongja! See you in the finals!"
"I-bang sir! I forfeit! I'm out! How's a human supposed to face a beast like that?!"
"Hahaha! Me, a beast?!"
I'd called him a beast outright, but he didn't mind a bit. The crowd followed his lead, chuckling along.
"Ahem! Ahem! Khm, n-no, we continue! Proceed with the match!"
I-bang was the same. Swallowing laughs to keep dignity, he officiated Yun Seong-bae's bout.
Isn't forfeit a fighter's right?! Why decide for me? Who's the ref here? Oh, right—he is. Whatever, not the time. Stop ranting, strategize—against that monster?!
Thud!
"Wooooh!"
No time to plan—the match ended. Yun Seong-bae had hoisted Jeong Cho-san and chucked him out of the ring.
"Yun Seong-bae wins!"
"Ahahaha! Hey, you!"
Celebrating his win, Yun Seong-bae pointed at me, then slashed his thumb across his throat.
"Y-You're not 13! You're some demon from above! Barbarian, right?!"
"Kuhahaha!"
Poking a Korean's berserk button did jack shit. Yun Seong-bae shrugged it off and stepped down.
Ah, fuck. What now? How do I beat that? Not sure I'd win with a gun.
No choice. Throw the next one on purpose. I watched the matches, brain running happy escape fantasies. Soon, it was my turn again. Lose this one guaranteed finals next, so tank it hard.
"Kim Si-jin! Choi Ho-jae! Enter!"
My opponent this time: a kid I saw often at seodang. Skinny as a rail, but tall as Yun Seong-bae—perfect unbeatable matchup for throwing.
"Grip the belts!"
"Chaekho Dongja."
As I grabbed his ssireum belt, full of intent to lose, he buried his face in my shoulder and dropped a bomb.
"Sorry. Should've thanked you sooner."
"Huh? What?"
"Heard about what happened at Namcheon today. Truly grateful."
"P-Pardon?"
Namcheon: the men's side of the valley used as the county's communal bath. I recalled today's incident there, then his name. Ho-jae. Eo-jae. Ho-jae and Eo-jae.
"A-Are you... Eo-jae's older brother?!"
"No."
Phew! Not? Then why bring it up!
"Eo-jae's my great-uncle's cousin's son."
"Huh?"
Great-uncle's cousin's son? Not a drop of blood shared, right? Then why tell me? I got it the instant I-bang shouted.
"Begin!"
"Whoops! I lose!"
"Hey?!"
No time to react—he flung himself sideways. Looked just like I'd thrown him, ass-planting dramatically. I-bang called it.
"Kim Si-jin wins!"
"N-No! Hold on! I cheated! Did the same to Beom-chang-bok earlier! Disqualify Kim Si-jin for fouls!"
"Si-jin, back to your spot. Save your strength for the finals, eh?"
"But—!"
He waved off objections. As I gawked in disbelief, my opponent approached and bowed.
"Thank you for saving my family, Chaekho Dongja."
"Huh? But you said he's your great-uncle's cousin's son?"
"Yes. Still family."
We call that 'not related' by social consensus back home. Ah, right—Joseon. They always say good deeds bring blessings. Wonder why mine backfire.