What Should I Remember My Husband By?
What should I remember my husband by? I'd learned in the academy that Joseon troops were stationed on Tsushima. About 300 men—a battalion-sized force. Thanks to the sharp drop in pirate raids, there hadn't been any real battles, but it was still a frontline outpost like the northern Bulryeongjin. That meant good promotion points and generous pay. Plus, with no fighting, it was downright peaceful. Any seasoned officer dreamed of a posting there.
But not me. A frontline wasn't a place for a trainee like me in the first place. And yet, this goddamn assignment order said something completely different. Stop in Busan-jin on the way to Namdaemajin. What the hell was this? Bullshit or what? I couldn't hold back—I grabbed the brush.
To His Highness the King, whom I revere.
What the fuck did I do wrong? Did I screw up with you somehow? If I did, just tell me.
Who the hell came up with sending me to Tsushima? Cancel it before I crack that bastard's skull and send his thoughts packing back home. Even if it's from you, Your Highness, I won't stand for it. No, this is just too much.
Why send an academy cadet who hasn't even graduated to a frontline that's only for veterans? Am I that great? Do you think I'm that amazing? Sure, I've got a pretty face, but that's it—everything else is pure luck.
"...Yeah, this would get me beheaded, right?"
The thick scent of ink brought some sense back to me. I set down the brush and scanned what I'd written. Yep. No good. Lucky it was just practice paper. I tossed it into the brazier and watched it burn. The white smoke rising calmed my heart.
"Huuuuh...!"
A deep breath settled my nerves, and I picked up the brush again.
"......"
Shit. The only words coming to mind were curses.
"What the hell do I do?"
Father in heaven. If you're watching, give me the answer. If you're not up there, hurry up and die so you can go.
But when the hell is Kim Jin-sa gonna kick the bucket? If he dies, I could use the three-year mourning period as an excuse not to go.
No, that's not it. My mind was too rattled by the Tsushima posting to focus. In the end, I set the brush down and flopped onto the floor.
"Haah, this is driving me insane. For real."
I'd so badly wanted a posting in Jeolla Province. But the actual assignment was all the way to distant Tsushima. Past Busan-jin, which took two weeks on foot, then a full day by sea. A pirate den until just before my mom was born. Sure, it was peaceful now with no raiders, but that didn't make it any less bitter.
And Munjong wouldn't send me there without a reason. He wanted my career to soar as much as I did—had to, if I was going to be his useful knight. So why Tsushima, of all places? No pirates, no battles? If it was about frontline points, why not the north? Real fights happened there—they'd give even more credit.
The Tsushima orders, plus Munjong's intentions, were splitting my head open.
"My lord? Are you there?"
Just then, Eori's voice came through. She'd heard about my Tsushima posting too and was just as shaken as me. Of course she was. If it were just her and me, maybe, but we had our daughter now. In the worst case—really worst—if I died, she'd be a widow with a kid.
"Yeah, Eori. I'm in here."
I sat up from the floor and answered.
"May I come in?"
"......"
This time, I couldn't answer lightly. Her usually bright voice carried an unfamiliar gravity. I could sense it was about the Tsushima orders.
"Yeah. Come in."
I swallowed dryly before replying. Soon, Eori opened the door—but she wasn't alone.
"Huh? Why's Geum-ok here?"
Geum-ok followed demurely behind Eori, who entered with a stern face.
"My lord, please sit here."
Eori ignored my question and sat in the center of the room. Geum-ok took the spot beside her.
"What about our daughter? Who's watching her?"
I sat facing Eori, my heart heavy, and asked.
"I left her with your mother for now."
"Oh, yeah? Mom does love our girl."
I tried to act casual, but my chest pounded anyway.
"......"
"......"
"......"
The room filled with awkward silence. I waited quietly for Eori to speak. She kept her eyes down, as if calculating inside. Geum-ok just clutched her skirt hem, head bowed.
"...My lord."
Finally, Eori met my eyes. Her face more serious than ever, she asked the obvious.
"Will you go to Tsushima?"
"Yeah. I have to."
I didn't want to, but I had no choice. Academy postings were standard, but a random Tsushima assignment like this screamed Munjong's influence. In a way, it was a royal decree—no refusing that.
"I understand."
Eori nodded slowly. Then she met my eyes again.
"My lord, I have one question."
"Yeah, go ahead."
"What do you think of Geum-ok?"
"...What do you mean by that?"
Eori's stiff expression, Geum-ok's silence since entering. My mind jumped to the conclusion despite myself.
"You're saying I should take Geum-ok as a concubine?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Wh-what? Yes? That's right?!"
It was so absurd and infuriating my voice cracked. I barely held back a shout and asked carefully.
"Are you in your right mind? Do you know what kind of woman my mother is? Do you know my status right now?"
"Yes, my lord. I know."
"Knowing that! How could you even suggest...?"
My mom was a low concubine, and I was a bastard. Sure, I got hero treatment now, but back then, kids threw rocks at me on the way to the village school, and I couldn't tell a soul. Eori had taken those rocks alongside me. I bit my lip against the sharp betrayal.
"My lord."
But Eori's gaze was steady. As if she'd already accepted Geum-ok as a concubine.
"Would you let your child suffer as a bastard, my lord?"
"Why bring that up now?"
"Answer me. Would you let your own child face that?"
"No."
The word flew out before I thought. Suddenly, I was locking eyes with her fiercely, chewing the words.
"No one—no one—gets that treatment. Bastard or legitimate. My kids won't face that. Ever."
"Then what's the problem?"
"Why isn't it a problem? It's all problems! Right now!"
I couldn't calm down; my voice rose. Geum-ok flinched at every shout.
"Sniff, sniff...!"
And then she started sobbing.
"My lord."
But Eori remained calm. From entering the room to suggesting a concubine. Always.
"No, Eori."
Emotions choked me again. I waited till I cooled, then spoke.
"Are you okay with this? You want me to take a concubine?"
"No, my lord."
"See? You don't want it either."
"What I truly want!"
Eori raised her voice for the first time. Her eyes, staring at me, were red and brimming with tears.
"Is for you to stay here, my lord! Never face danger! Just guard me and our daughter! But did I ever tell you not to be an officer? Not to go?!"
"......"
This time, I couldn't speak. I'd failed to stay by her for my officer dream. Even with our first child, our daughter—same story.
"...So."
After panting a while, Eori sighed.
"That's why I'm asking you to take Geum-ok as a concubine."
"No, what does that have to do with anything."
I grumbled like a scolded kid.
Eori looked at me with tear-streaked eyes, then cast hers down.
"You can just go, my lord. Get run through by a sword, shot, pierced by an arrow—come back, and that's that. But what about us? What do we do?"
"No, I'll make sure that doesn't—"
"Don't speak so lightly. Has your fate ever let you off easy?"
She was right. Trouble followed me everywhere. Corpses, blood, injuries at every turn. Not even twenty, and near-death scares were too many to count on fingers. Knowing it better than me, Eori continued.
"You can go and come back, but what about us? What do we remember you by? How do we cherish your memory?"
I couldn't open my mouth. I knew being an officer meant courting death, but I'd never dwelled on me dying and Eori grieving.
"My lord. We have only one daughter between us. If something happens to her, we'll have nothing left to remember you by."
"So, take Geum-ok as a concubine?"
"Yes."
"But she's not your child?"
"It doesn't matter. If the child resembles you, my lord, any child is fine."
"No...!"
"My lord. I beg you."
Eori bowed her head in plea while I was speechless.
"P-please...!"
Geum-ok sobbed too, bowing deep. Biting her lip to swallow tears, clutching Eori's hand tight.
This is insane. For real. A headache from Tsushima orders was better—I could've just gone. But Eori, the woman I loved, begging through tears for a concubine? That changed everything.
She wasn't wrong. In camera-less Joseon, death left only memories of my face. And memories fade. Even of the most loved ones. Like how I couldn't recall my modern family.
I couldn't say yes easily. Couldn't refuse harshly either. Nothing felt right.
"But, Eori."
Escapism maybe, but a thought struck me.
"Last time I brought So-yeon home, you charged at her with a knife. Concubines okay now?"
"Th-that was...!"
First time Eori faltered. She peeked at me, then looked away, grumbling.
"You brought some strange woman home first, my lord..."
Now she sounded like my usual Eori. My heavy heart lightened a bit.
"Geum-ok."
Feeling easier, I called her.
"Y-yes...?!"
Her pretty face was a mess of tears and snot. It was so cute I smiled unwittingly.
"Do you like me?"
Geum-ok's eyes went wide. She bowed as deeply as when entering.
"Y-yes...! I l-like you...!"
Not "like-same-opnida," right? Guess my sanity was back. Thinking nonsense like that.
"Wait a sec, I'll be right back."
Even lighter-hearted, I needed time to think. I stood, headed for the door, announcing.
"Gonna see Mom quick. Our girl's there, right?"
"Y-yes. That's right."
"Oh, right. Hey."
I paused at the door, turning to Eori. She looked up at me with teary eyes.
"What about So-yeon? You okay with her?"
"You plan to take that child as a concubine?"
"No, not that."
She's just a good little sister.
"Just curious. She's not here, so seemed like you didn't like her."
"Not at all."
Eori shook her head, explaining why she hadn't brought Kim So-yeon.
"I know she cares deeply for you, my lord, but we've barely seen her a month. Better to watch slowly, so I asked her to step out for now."
"Ah, yeah, makes sense."
I nodded at the reasonable answer.
"But still, this feels off."
I ignored their reactions and stepped out. The just-turning-winter wind felt piercingly cold.