Only You Find This Fun, You Psychopath
Only you find this amusing. Just you. You goddamn psychopath.
King Sejong himself had penned a secret letter and issued a top-secret order. Face-showing ceremony. Secret letter. Secret order. Betrayal. With "secret" repeated three times, it meant this was critically, crucially, vitally important. But the moment my seniors heard my name, they freaked out and bolted, making it clear following orders wouldn't be easy.
"Hey. Why run? You said you missed me. Why?"
In a situation like this, it was like Hong Gil-dong whining that he missed me, just to piss people off. Naturally, there was zero reason to listen to a bandit leader's bullshit. A good beating with a club would shut him up. But that day, not content with shooting him once in each arm, I'd even bashed him with the pistol grip. Just two days ago, he'd been delirious with high fever from his severe wounds. In that state, if I'd shoved a red-hot poker up his ass like he deserved, he'd have gone into shock and died before I even asked my questions. So I'd struck a deal with the officials: we'd talk it out until he recovered.
"Heh heh heh."
A sinister chuckle echoed faintly through the county doctor's office-cum-clinic-cum-surgery room-cum-ward. Hong Gil-dong, lying on the bed, twisted his swollen face into a grin. His arms were wrapped thick in bandages, his legs shackled in iron chains. But I didn't feel a shred of pity. The image of him unhesitatingly stomping on that swaddling bundle was still fresh in my mind. Fortunately, it had contained a pillow, not a baby.
"Don't bullshit me, you bastard. Why'd you call me? I'm busy."
I dragged over a backless stool and sat by his bed. Only then did Hong Gil-dong open his mouth.
"Listen here, Byuljang-nim."
"What? Spit it out. Get to the point. I'm busy."
"Save my life."
"...You really jump straight to the point, huh?"
I wasn't just stunned by his brazen attitude. It was more than that.
"You serious? You want us to save you? Why the hell would we?"
Not only had he commissioned the murder of a prisoner in jail, but he'd poisoned him to silence him too. Two kills in one day. God knows how many he'd slaughtered while living as a bandit.
"Can't do it?"
The glint in his puffy eyes, peeking through swollen lids, was dead serious. Not the desperation of a drowning man grasping at straws. No, it was the thrill of a man who genuinely enjoyed toying with his own life. Ugh, fuck. Psycho bastard.
"Ugh, fuck. Psycho bastard."
Whoops. My thoughts slipped out loud. Not that it mattered if he heard.
"Byuljang-nim. Save me. If you promise, I'll spill everything. Not just my own crimes, but everything I've seen and heard. All of it."
"Oh yeah?"
I furrowed my brow like I was genuinely shocked. Spotting the sly curl at the corner of his mouth, I shook my head. "Not my business, though?"
"Wh-what? Huh?"
Hong Gil-dong barely lifted his puffy eyelids, eyes bulging wide. It was the first time I'd seen him that shocked—outside of when I was beating the crap out of him.
"Wh-what do you mean it's not your business, Byuljang-nim? Isn't this your job?"
"Nah. I'm just a temporary search captain. My job's finding matchlocks and calling it a day."
"Th-then why are you here?"
"You called me."
I gave him a weird look for asking something so obvious.
"Ah, uh, th-that...!"
Savoring his obvious panic, I stood up.
"If that's all, I'm out. Take care of your health. Gotta die healthy when the time comes."
"W-wait a second!"
"Shut up. I'm busy. Already late as it is."
By now, the initiation rite at Cheong-un-gak was probably underway. It pissed me off wasting time on this psycho when I could be carrying out King Sejong's secret order.
I headed for the door to hurry to my face-showing humiliation.
"A-alright! I'll tell you everything!"
A desperate shout came from behind.
"I'll tell you everything! So don't go!"
I stopped and turned, fighting a smirk, forcing a bored expression.
"You really gonna talk?"
"Y-yes!"
"No lies?"
"No! Everything I've done, heard, seen—it's all true!"
"Nah. Don't believe you. You're a liar. Why should I trust you?"
Suppressing my pounding heart, I turned toward the door again, pretending to leave. That's when Hong Gil-dong tossed out exactly what I wanted to hear.
"M-matchlocks! Aren't you curious how I stole them?"
"...Yeah, that I wanna hear."
This time, I turned my whole body, still near the door, and stared at him.
"How'd you do it?"
"Y-you wanna hear?"
"Eh, sure, since you're offering."
"Heh heh. Well, see..."
"Hum hum hum♪"
"Hey! I'm talking here!"
"Oh, sorry. Illegitimate sons' voices don't carry well."
"And you're a bastard too! Get over here and listen properly! Sit! Stay put!"
"What, you want me to take notes or something?"
"That works too!"
Perfect—this was the doctor's office, so brush, ink, paper, and inkstone were handy. The doctor had even ground the ink fresh before leaving. And water was set out so he wouldn't get thirsty mid-confession. Of course, I'd set the whole stage.
He'd boldly snuck into the yamen to poison a prisoner. Tried to stomp a baby to death in front of his own men. Seemed like a show-off. So I'd poked, and like a ripe pimple, he burst on the first touch.
Hong Gil-dong spilled it all: how he'd stolen the matchlocks, a childhood murder, raping a woman who'd scorned him, blackmailing people with their families. He got so excited, I nearly puked myself—lunch, not his past. Still, pretending disinterest, I coaxed out every crime.
"That's enough for today."
"Huh? I still have more."
"Day's over. The whole day."
I pointed outside. The blazing sun had set, darkness falling.
"Gotta head out now."
"Don't go. Things are just getting fun."
Only you find this fun. Just you. You goddamn psychopath.
"Nah. Next time."
"Oh?"
Hong Gil-dong smirked slyly, madness glinting in his puffy eyes.
"My stories that entertaining?"
"Eh, a bit?"
"Heh heh heh. Look forward to it. Tomorrow's even juicier."
"Whatever."
I crumpled up all the papers I'd been jotting on from the doctor's desk.
"Wh-what! No! How could you!"
Predictably, Hong Gil-dong panicked—straight-up furious.
"How dare you treat my stories like that!"
"Huh? Why not? It's trash."
"Trash?!"
"Not keeping it then?"
"Don't throw it away! That's my life story!"
"Ugh, fuck. So damn loud. Fine, fine. Like this?"
I smoothed out each sheet and stacked them neatly. Only then did he nod, satisfied. But his gaze lingered on me.
"Treasure those. No one's heard these tales."
"Got it. Quit nagging."
I left without a glance his way. Passing the guards at the door, I put as much distance as possible from the doctor's building.
"...Hah! Hah! Hah!"
Only then could I gasp for breath freely.
"Fuck, seriously. So gross I can't stand it."
My underwear was soaked in cold sweat long ago, the papers in my hand damp and ink slightly smudged. But I'd gotten results. Clutching Hong Gil-dong's criminal confessions, I headed to the Jeonju magistrate.
The sun was nearly down, but he was still working in his office.
Spotting me, he grinned wide from his desk.
"Ha ha ha! Captain Kim! You're here!"
"Yes, Magistrate."
"Good! How'd it go? No need to ask—those must be that bastard Hong Gil-dong's crimes!"
Unable to wait, he snatched the papers I offered. Frowning deeper with each page.
"Such a ruthless monster. You must've suffered."
"Not done yet. Need to cross-check with crimes from other regions."
"Hmm. That means coordinating with the provincial office..."
He winced at the thought of clashing with them. Silent a moment, then he smiled again.
"Ha ha. Good work, Captain Kim. I've got drinks ready for you. Grab a cup. Bad deeds wash away with booze, right?"
You'll end up an alcoholic like that.
"Sorry, Magistrate."
I bowed, refusing outright.
"The initiation at Cheong-un-gak is starting now. Can't make it."
"That's why I'm telling you not to go. What awaits but a ugly spectacle?"
That's exactly why I'm going. Biting back that I was on King Sejong's secret face-showing order, I apologized again and left the yamen.
Ahh. I wonder how my seniors plan to torment me...