You Won't Know Until You Try
"Whatever it is, you won't know unless you try, right?"
When I first learned Eori was pregnant, it felt like every emotion inside me exploded at once. The joy of a child resembling Eori and me being born. The anxiety of becoming a dad before I even hit twenty. The worries about having to leave home in just a little over a month. All of it tangled together, leaving me in total confusion.
Among it all, the biggest chunk was the academy entrance ceremony. There were about a month and a half left until the ceremony in September. To arrive before it, I'd have to leave by late August, meaning my time with Eori was barely forty days. I seriously considered postponing academy enrollment for a year. I wanted to watch Eori's belly swell as she became a mother, feel the baby kicking inside her, and be by her side as she grappled with the confusion of impending motherhood.
But doing that would throw a massive wrench into my plans. My goal was to promote as fast as possible and minimize casualties in the wars to come. No matter how much I racked my brain, no easy answer emerged.
Then one person popped into my head. Uncle Joel. How did you make that choice? Here I am, weighing my family against hundreds of thousands of strangers I've never met. How did you pick a foul-mouthed brat with no blood ties over the foundation of humanity's reconstruction?
...Well, yeah. That's why you end up as a golf ball later, I guess.
Pushing the golf ball story aside, I kept agonizing. Stay in the village and care for Eori, or head to the academy and kick off my plans?
The answer came unexpectedly from Eori herself.
"Husband?"
Lost in my endless fretting, I snapped to attention and looked at her. Eori sat beside me on a rock, her feet dipped in the cool stream.
"Yeah, Eori? What's up? Bug on you? Want me to fan you? Here, nice and cool?"
I unfolded the fan and wafted it toward her. The breeze brushed her sweat-dampened face. Eyes gently closed, she savored it.
"Ah, no, that's not it."
She sure enjoyed that "no" an awful lot.
"What then? Tell me. Hungry for something?"
I kept fanning without pause.
"Heehee. Well, um, Husband."
Her pleased smile faded as she lowered her head. Peeking sidelong without lifting it, she asked, "Does it... displease you that I've conceived your child?"
"Huh? Me? No? Why would I?"
"But ever since, why has your face been so dark?"
I thought I'd hidden it, but apparently not.
"Nah, it's just..."
This time, I fanned toward myself. The breeze cooled the sweat on my face, letting me forget the heat for a moment. Sorting my thoughts, I answered honestly.
"I'm heading to the academy soon. Won't be back till year's end. Worried about you and our baby holding up till then."
I fanned back toward her like passing a mic, hoping she'd nod.
"Eori. What if I just... stay here? Skip Jeonju altogether?"
"Pardon?"
Her eyes went wide—she clearly hadn't seen it coming. Flustered by her reaction, I backpedaled.
"I mean, you're pregnant, and the dad bailing far away feels wrong. Better to delay the academy a year, see if it's a boy or girl."
"...Pfft!"
She stared blankly for a second, then burst out laughing.
"Pffft! Puhat! Puhahaha!"
"Eori?!"
"Y-You were thinking that! Ahahat!"
Once it started, her laughter wouldn't stop. Unlike her usual reserve, it rang out pure and unfiltered, piercing the stream's murmur and echoing through the woods. Her refreshingly hearty guffaws lifted my own lips unwittingly.
"Ahahat! Ahem! Hmm! Pfft!"
Face flushed crimson, she covered it with both hands, even coughing awkwardly. She held it in as best she could but laughed aloud until she was gasping.
"Haa, haa... Ah, s-sorry."
Somewhat calmed, she caught her breath and dabbed her eyes with her fingertips. Still grinning, she looked at me.
"It... eased my heart, and I never guessed your intent, so... pfft! The laughter just burst out."
"R-Really?"
"Yes. Whew...!"
Exhaling the last chuckles, she gazed at me intently. Her eyes sparkled like sunlight on the stream.
"Hearing you, it seems a child's power is mighty indeed. It even makes a wild boar like you fret like this."
"When did I become a wild boar?"
"How can you deny it? Once you set your mind, you charge ahead without regard—that's no different from a boar."
"Hey, when have I ever? I'm barely holding back."
"And holding back that much? You truly are remarkable, Husband."
What? Is she teasing me?
The suspicion flickered, but her sparkling eyes melted it away.
"Husband."
She called softly, taking my hand—not just holding, but interlacing fingers and resting it on my knee.
"Don't worry. Go ahead. You're not leaving forever, just till year's end."
"But last time, you teared up when I left for exams for half a month."
"Heehee. That was different."
Smiling her usual childlike smile, she lifted her empty hand to stroke her lower belly. No sign yet in early stages, but our baby was there.
"Soon I'll be a mother too. As one, shouldn't I trust my husband?"
I couldn't reply, just stared silently. Eori, so big yet tender-hearted as a child, was blossoming into a proper mother without even a swollen belly.
"Haaaah..."
"Husband? Why the sigh?"
"Nah. Seeing you, I realize how childish I am."
"Heehee. Figured it out now?"
"Yeah. Now I get it."
"I thought you knew ages ago—when I grew taller than you."
"...Totem pole."
"Aaaang! HUSBAND!"
Now she sounded like her old self. Hearing the hated nickname, she pouted dramatically and shoved my shoulder lightly.
"Don't! And not in front of the baby!"
"Why? Imagine how sturdy it'd feel with a totem pole mom."
"Aaaang! Stop! I'll really get mad!"
Pushed by her playful fussing, I chuckled.
Back to normal, I voiced my last lingering worry.
"Still, if I go, our baby's growing up three, four months without a dad. Might not even see its face before heading back."
"If that's the worry, do this."
"What?"
"Heeheehee."
She didn't spill right away. Mischievously smiling, she leaned in close. Soft, sweet lips brushed my cheek. Then, breath warm against my ear, she whispered,
"Love me and the baby as much as you're away, right?"
Her whisper seeped in cool and gentle as midsummer stream water. Speechless, I stared. Her chocolate-dark skin flushed red. Rare sultry glance from her, but my anxiety tripped me up.
"Eori."
"Yes, Husband. Listening."
"You sure that's enough?"
"Husband?"
"Love and cherish extra for the time apart... but will that really work? It's not a day or two, or once or twice."
Leaving family wouldn't be just this once. Two of three academy years away from home; post-grad, at least a year on the frontier. To rise to commander, more time in the field than home. Maybe life-risking battles. A husband and dad absent more than present—could extra love make up for it? I doubted.
"I just don't know."
"Husband."
"If I can truly be the husband and father you and our child deserve, I—mmph?!"
Mid-fret, Eori hugged me tight. Summer-thin clothes let her soft skin press my face—blame or blessing. Her sweet, addictive scent dizzied me.
"Husband."
Holding me, she whispered into my crown.
"Whatever it is, you won't know unless you try, right?"
Startled by the sudden embrace, the feel of her against me showed how petty my worries were.