The Weight of Forgiveness
If only Soliara hadn’t said those words.
If she had simply held me in silence, our relationship might have moved forward far beyond where it had been. But she just had to speak.
“Can’t you forgive me now…? Aren, we’re in love, aren’t we?”
The moment Soliara uttered the word forgive, my body froze. Forgive. Forgive… I kept turning the word over and over in my mind.
Soliara gazed up at me with pleading eyes. Her gaze was fixed on the man I was now, but my own eyes saw only the Soliara from the past.
—Aren, why did you lie? Why?!
The vivid look of distrust she had given me during my fall into the abyss still burned behind my eyelids.
—I already told Father, so don’t come looking for me anymore. We’re not even engaged anymore, are we? We’re just strangers now.
The face of the woman who hadn’t believed me, who had broken our engagement and thrown me away, was still painfully clear in my memory.
Hmm.
What should I call this feeling? It was as if I had finally come face to face with reality. The brief sweetness, the tender ache, vanished in an instant. All that remained was a cold, hollow truth.
What exactly was I hoping for?
Both Soliara and I seemed to be trapped in the time of a year ago. Back when we whispered love to each other, leaned on one another, cherished each other. Back when we were the perfect engaged couple that everyone envied.
But after a year had passed, the only ones left in this place were a ruined scoundrel and a woman drowning in dependency.
I had already come to terms with the fact that I was broken. Soliara, however, still seemed to be flailing in the same day from a year ago. It was closer to a mental delusion than anything else.
“Aren? Why… why are you like this?”
Soliara called my name again, but I didn’t answer. The cold reality instantly chilled the warmth that had briefly touched my chest.
Reconciliation with Soliara had been impossible from the start. The matter between two noble houses was no trivial thing. Even if I somehow crawled out of the abyss, it would be the same. Once an engagement was broken, there was no going back.
So what? Were we supposed to run away together in some forbidden elopement?
I already knew the answer. Soliara was not the kind of person who could do that. It wasn’t simply a matter of money. Throwing away the treatment, honor, and status she had received her entire life was no easy feat.
The fact that I had still held even a shred of affection for her made me feel like a fool.
Soliara seemed to read something in my expression and her face grew anxious, but she still didn’t ask the real question. She appeared to believe she could gloss over everything with the words I’m sorry.
She never once mentioned the contempt and indifference she had shown me for an entire year, nor the fact that she had coldly stood by while the man she once loved was destroyed. The only reason she had apologized at all was because I had pointed it out to her. If I hadn’t spoken up, she would never have felt any guilt whatsoever.
No matter how I looked at it, Soliara was far too broken to be considered a normal human being. Was it a blessing brought by her overwhelming intellect? Or a curse she had been born with—an utter lack of empathy?
Back then I had simply thought she was bright and cheerful, but looking back, that had been nothing but romanticization. Soliara was still an extremely self-centered person. She only valued her own feelings and opinions, casually dismissing everyone else’s as if they were worthless.
“Soliara. You really haven’t changed at all.”
She must have noticed the disappointment rising on my face, because she cried out in a hurry.
“W-wait, Aren! Why, why are you acting like this…! I even apologized, so why….”
“That’s exactly why, Soliara.”
“Huh…?”
“You still don’t even know what you did wrong. That’s the biggest problem.”
Soliara’s eyes widened into perfect circles. She genuinely seemed to have no idea what she had done wrong. A hollow laugh escaped me.
Just how many times today had I felt this way? I thought I was used to disappointment, but I was wrong. The moment even the smallest expectation appeared, the disappointment came back multiplied several times over.
“Ha… haha. Soliara. For a moment, I actually thought you might have changed.”
The affection I had felt for her cooled completely and burned away. Seeing her bewildered expression made every last ounce of warmth inside me vanish.
“I was even willing to start over with you. Not as lovers, but at least as friends… but it looks like I was just wasting my time.”
This really was the end.
When I moved to close the door again, Soliara screamed.
“A-Aren! D-don’t go…!”
“Get lost. We have nothing left to talk about.”
Even in the face of my icy tone, Soliara clung to me desperately.
“Aren, are you really not going to accept my apology? If you’re that angry… ugh, you can use my body however you want… Please, can’t we just stay together a little longer…?”
Tears welled up in her eyes as she awkwardly pressed her body against mine in a clumsy attempt at seduction. I could feel her softness everywhere—her smooth skin, her sweet scent.
“Doesn’t it feel good, Aren…? Hm?”
“…………”
I was truly at a loss for words. A noble lady wearing such vulgar clothes, pressing her body against the man whose engagement she had broken in order to seduce him. Even when she had raped me before, I had sensed it—Soliara was just as fundamentally broken as Teodora.
Her obscene outfit had drawn my gaze for a moment, but honestly, it stirred no further excitement. If anything, her clumsy attempt at seduction only looked pathetic and pitiful.
When my expression hardened further, Soliara pressed even closer, rubbing her face against my chest.
“Aren… mmh…? Can’t you just stay with me?”
She acted cute, coquettish. Watching Soliara behave like some common whore honestly only filled me with disgust. At the same time, I felt a twinge of pity.
Why was she so obsessed with me?
As she continued to greedily explore my body, I spoke without thinking.
“Soliara. Do you really like me that much?”
“…Of course I do!”
Watching her nod so fervently, I added one condition.
“Then… you’ll like me no matter what I do…?”
“Mmh… right? From now on we have to live together as family, so we should share the responsibility.”
The word family sent a chill down my spine. It felt as if cold chains had wrapped around my entire body. In my previous life or this one, the word family had never brought me anything pleasant.
I pushed away the useless memories and gave Soliara a clear warning. No—it wasn’t a warning. It was a definitive declaration.
“Soliara. Listen carefully.”
“Y-yes?”
“We will never, ever become family. Not in this lifetime. Not ever. Do you understand?”
“…………!”
I thoroughly shattered every last bit of hope and possibility she still clung to. I denied it so completely that she couldn’t even dream of it anymore.
“If you understand, nod.”
Soliara asked in a trembling voice, “What do you mean, Aren? We can’t become family…? Don’t say such scary things.”
She was genuinely trembling with fear. And in front of that fear, I drove the nail in deeper.
“It’s exactly what it sounds like. We’re already broken up, so we’re complete strangers now.”
She shook her head violently, as if rejecting reality, and clung to me even tighter. The way she held on desperately, as if begging me not to leave, almost looked pitiful.
I stroked Soliara’s hair. It wasn’t the gentle touch of a lover. It was closer to the way one might push away a dog than treat a person. Yet even that, Soliara accepted with joy.
“Aren… Aren…”
She faintly lifted the corners of her mouth in pleasure at my touch, but her body continued to tremble, unable to shake off its anxiety.
It felt strangely surreal to watch the future archmage whimper and cling to me like this. Even if I told her to leave, she would come running with delight.
Why now?
Why did it have to be now? When everything was already over. When it had been over for a long time. Why did she keep creating lingering attachments?
Haha. All that was left was a miserable laugh.
I laughed at Soliara, and I laughed at myself for ending up in this situation. What should I do? Should I brutally torment her right now, rape her, and drag her down into the abyss just like me?
But I didn’t want revenge that badly. What I wanted wasn’t a fleeting moment of pleasure. I wanted long, stable peace.
I had thought I had been struggling in hell every single day for the past year. In truth, no one had touched me inside that room. That room wasn’t a hell that confined me. It had been an unbearably comfortable heaven.
The tranquility of being left alone. That was what I wanted to reclaim.
In a dazed voice, I called out to her.
“Soliara. There is exactly one way for us to become family. Want to hear it?”
“……! Aren, w-what is it?”
Life suddenly returned to Soliara’s dead eyes. I offered her the most tempting condition I could think of.
“Just grant me one request. If you do that, Soliara, I’ll do everything you want.”
“T-then… can we make a baby every day…?”
“…………?”
For a moment, I was speechless. Soliara scratched the back of her neck awkwardly.
“Hehe, I’m just kidding… Doing it every day would still be too much.”
Why did the word still sound so ominous? Well, regardless of how I felt about it, Soliara smiled brightly. It was such a dazzling smile that it almost seemed like she had regained her old self.
Before I could even voice my request, Soliara boldly demanded something from me first.
“Aren. Hold me.”
“…………”
I quietly pulled her into my arms. I held her so tightly she could barely breathe.
“Hngh, Aren…!”
Soliara squirmed in my embrace, a blissful smile spreading across her face.
“Aren… haa… I love you… I really, truly love you.”
Her expression said that everything had finally returned to normal. She wore the happiest smile in the world.
There was no mirror, so I couldn’t see my own face, but I was certain it must have been thoroughly rotten.