The One Who Always Returns to Me #3
When Emil spoke those words,
Pidea’s face crumbled.
It was the same expression one might wear upon seeing a meticulously built tower of sand collapse in a gentle breeze.
Why? Pidea’s face seemed to ask. Why on earth? How could you? Her features twisted in agony.
“Wh-what are you… what exactly are you trying to say? Emil, Leni… who is that?”
“Irenie Esterien. My princess. The one I was willing to throw my life away to save.”
Pidea fell into despair.
“No.”
Tears streaming down her face,
“Don’t. Emil, please don’t do this.”
Wracked with pain,
“I have to go back to Leni.”
“This isn’t right… this can’t be happening…”
Sobbing violently,
“No! Why, why, why! Why?! I only need you… Emil! Emil, Emil!”
And then she plunged back into despair.
“Pidea.”
“No. This can’t be… Emil, why did you have to remember? Why…!”
“Listen to me.”
“I won’t!”
Pidea raked her own face with her nails, screaming as she tore at her skin. Her beautiful features were soon drenched in blood.
“Ugh… Emil. Ah, Emil! Please!”
But it was useless. The wounds on Pidea’s face healed almost instantly as new flesh bloomed over them.
That’s right.
She was a demon.
The demon who had lived inside Emil.
“…Emil, just forget it. Please.”
“Pidea.”
“I’m begging you. We were happy, weren’t we? You said you only loved me. Please… forget about Leni or anyone else and let’s live here forever. Look at this, Emil.”
Pidea took Emil’s hand and pressed it against her breast.
There, a warm pulse throbbed steadily.
Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump.
“This body isn’t an illusion. It’s real.”
“…”
“The day you died, instead of simply taking your body, I returned to Tisos Island to resurrect your soul. There’s an altar of mine on this island. It lets me wield my full power.”
Tears continued to fall as Pidea spoke.
“When you finally opened your eyes, I was so happy… but you woke up without remembering anything. The shock to your soul when you died must have been too great. So I…”
Pidea let out a hollow laugh.
Self-loathing filled that laughter.
It was an emotion that truly didn’t suit a demon like her.
“Emil, what do you think I felt? Was I sad that our memories had vanished? No. I was delighted. Because now, only I remained by your side. That annoying Kaetly was gone. The noisy, crying Daisy was gone. And most of all, the girl who got you killed—Leni—was gone too.”
Pidea’s voice began to tremble.
Emil could only listen in silence.
“Do you know why I chose to appear like this? Because I didn’t want the you who had lost his memories to see me as a child. I wanted to seduce you with the voluptuous breasts and hips you love. That’s why I created this body. Not as the demon Pidea, but as the human Pidea.”
Her words stirred memories within him.
Emil’s mind was now a chaotic storm where his past memories and the ones from his time without them clashed together.
“Yes. And when I playfully told you I had been your lover in the past, you believed me without a shred of doubt.”
“…I did.”
“I was so incredibly happy in that moment. It felt like I had finally understood what love was—the very thing I had studied for so long among humans.”
Little by little, the memories returned.
The days he had spent with Pidea as lovers.
“Do you know how happy I was when you shyly gave me our first kiss?”
“…I remember.”
“When we first became one, when you climbed on top of me, kissed me, and told me I was so beautiful… in that moment, this worthless human world felt more precious to me than the throne of Sheol. And yet… and yet… why!”
Pidea spoke with near-maniacal fury.
“Why did you have to remember the past?! What is so important about that girl? You said you loved me! You said you loved me more than anything in the world!”
“Pidea…”
Emil wrapped his arms around her shoulders, which burned hot with her frenzy.
Clinging to him, Pidea began to sob.
“Emil… please don’t go.”
He could hear her sniffling.
Her ragged breaths brushed against his chest.
“Nothing has changed from before. Let’s live together like this. Leni is probably living well with her older sister, the queen. And even if she isn’t, what does it matter? You already gave your life for her. What more could any girl possibly ask for?”
Emil felt his mind growing clearer.
Everything was becoming painfully lucid.
“Right? So… please. Don’t go, Emil.”
Pidea loved him.
Even if that love had begun as a demon’s curiosity toward human emotion,
the years they had spent together proved it was real.
And Emil, too, felt more than mere fondness for Pidea.
Even before losing his memories, this demon girl had been his good friend. After he lost them, she had become his lover.
Of course he didn’t dislike her.
How could he?
But even so, Emil could not do as she wished.
“I’m sorry, Pidea.”
He could not follow her words.
“I can’t do that.”
Pidea’s head dropped limply, as if the strings holding up a puppet had been cut.
Then she began sobbing once more.
“Why, Emil? Why…?”
“Pidea, you once told me this: since I already gave my life for Leni, I no longer needed to return to her.”
Emil shook his head.
“That’s not true. It’s actually the complete opposite. Pidea, I value myself terribly. My life is more precious to me than anything else in this world. And yet I threw that life away for Leni.”
“Why… why would you go that far for her?”
“I don’t know that myself. Was it a whim? Or the last remnant of altruism left inside me? Either way, I saved Leni, and in that moment, the scales in my heart weighed her as heavier than my own life.”
Emil spoke with a sigh.
“But my life is still the most precious thing in the world to me. Which means—whether I acknowledge it or not—Leni has already become the most precious person in the world to me.”
A chill began to creep over Emil’s still-naked body. Or perhaps it was only his imagination.
“It’s not because I pity her, or because she likes me. This is more like a law of nature, Pidea. If A is heavier than B, and B is heavier than C, then A cannot possibly be lighter than C. It’s self-evident.”
The arms wrapped around Emil’s shoulders tightened with increasing strength, as if Pidea were desperately clutching at straws.
Her voice, drained of energy, came out in a strained whisper.
“But even if Leni is precious to you… that doesn’t mean you have to go back to her. She’s the queen’s younger sister now. She’ll have everything she needs.”
“You know that’s not true, Pidea.”
Emil hadn’t meant to, but his voice was growing colder.
“Leni has that curse. You were helping suppress the demonic energy, but now that I’m gone, the curse must be flaring up again. And earlier… who came looking for me? Tell me, Pidea.”
Emil reminded her of what had just happened.
Pidea bit her lip.
“…You mean Neil Bloodfire?”
“Yes. The queen’s personal knight. Just like when he came to rescue Leni, he only moves according to the queen’s will. For him to come all the way to Tisos in search of me—the meaning is obvious.”
The queen was looking for Emil.
Most likely, for Leni’s sake.
That had to be it.
“I have to go.”
Emil’s tone left no room for argument.
Pidea staggered as if she might collapse.
Then, with great effort, she opened her mouth.
“…Emil, can I ask you one question?”
“Yes, if it’s something I can answer.”
“Do you still love me?”
Ah, what on earth was he supposed to say?
It was clear that the Emil who had lost his memories had loved Pidea. Even now, if he placed his hand on his chest, he could feel that heartbeat.
“Pidea, I…”
But what did he truly know about love?
All he knew was pleasure, aesthetic appreciation, sex, and all sorts of other unsavory things.
Was that love?
If that was love, then how hollow, ugly, and vile the words “true love” truly were.
And if that wasn’t love,
then what was love, exactly?
“Do you remember something I once said? That night in Iredain, after you kissed me… you asked me what love was.”
“Yes. I remember.”
Pidea’s face crumpled with sorrow.
She must have already guessed what would come next.
“My answer is the same as it was then. I still don’t know what love is. I’m not decent enough of a person to understand it, Pidea.”
Emil rose to his feet.
In a trembling voice, Pidea asked,
“Where are you going?”
“To find Neil Bloodfire.”
Emil began rummaging through the wardrobe.
Inside, he found a set of black clothes.
It wasn’t a priest’s robe, but a linen tunic that gave off a similar impression.
“He’ll either take me to Leni, or perhaps to her sister.”
Once he had dressed himself completely,
the priest named Emil turned toward the outside world.