The Tree and the Phantom Thief — Act One: Assimilation Within a Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, long, long ago. The universe had only just been born, and the great ■■■■■■■■■ saw fit to do nothing but sleep, while his children wandered wherever they pleased and pawed through the cosmos. It was that sort of long ago, and in it there lived a young phantom thief and a tree.
The phantom thief went about in a ridiculous mask and a cape, proclaiming himself a phantom thief, though his skill was so wretched he could not even pick a child's pocket. People pointed at him and sneered. He was worse than a clown. He kept no elderly parents and did no honest work, and there was not a soul alive who could bring himself to like a layabout.
The phantom thief paid them no mind. His dream was to become the greatest phantom thief in the world, and, holding that grand dream close, he gave himself to training rather than rising and falling with every stranger's glance.
Then one day, in a ravine of the snow mountains, he found a strange tree. Its bark was dull and sullen, and not a single leaf grew on it, like a tree in the dead of winter. All it had were branches thick as a thicket, roots spread across the whole of the cliff, and—where a knothole ought to have been—teeth, and an eye.
It looked more monster than tree. Even so, it was shaped enough like a tree that the phantom thief decided to treat it as one. Full of curiosity, he spoke to it.
"Tree. Oh, tree."
What is your name?
"Kieeeee!" (I am a tree that likes to eat. The animals say I eat so greedily that they call me the Devil's Tree.)
The tree answered, rustling its branches, and those rustling branches rode the wind in toward him. The phantom thief sprang up and climbed onto one. Thud! Something collapsed behind him. One could only pray the poor wild animals had not been hurt.
"Kyaaaaaaa!" (Who are you? What's your name?)
The tree's eye blinked. The phantom thief's foot stung, and when he lifted his sole he found teeth sharper than a shark's and set more closely than an orca's, spinning in a dreadful whirl. He would have to be careful. Grinding them underfoot, he straightened his crooked mask.
"I'm a phantom thief. Phantom Thief is my name, too."
"Hieeek! Hieeek!" (A phantom thief! Then you can steal anything?)
"Steal? I'm a phantom thief, but I've never done anything that wicked. Not unless I sent a Calling Card first."
"Kaaaaaak! Kaaaaaaaak!" (What! A phantom thief who can't steal isn't a phantom thief at all! You're a liar!)
"What?! Isn't it a bit much to talk like that just because I've never stolen once?! A phantom thief who doesn't steal is still far better than a tree that does nothing but eat every single day, like you!"
"Kueeek……! Kueeek!" (Hmph! A tree that only eats is better than some fellow who can't even introduce himself properly. You're not a phantom thief. You're just an idler!)
At the tree's abuse the phantom thief trembled with rage. He wanted to argue, but the words had a point, and all he could do was swallow his fury in silence. His mask changed into a weeping mask. The anger that had found no way out had turned to sorrow.
Roots surged up toward the grieving phantom thief. Wiping his tears, he tore off down a narrow path through the range, and the tree, startled to see him suddenly running, gave chase. Out of season, a pursuit broke out across the snow mountains, and the animals who lived there heaped curses on the pair for raising a racket in the dead of night.
A red phoenix clinging fast to a white tiger frowned.
"Raising a commotion on a peaceful mountain. Neither of you has a scrap of backbone."
Catching sight of the red phoenix, the phantom thief poured out his woes.
"Phoenix! It isn't fair! I've tried so hard as a phantom thief, and all that comes back to me is scorn!"
"And what do you expect me to do about it."
With that indifferent reply, the phoenix departed for the summit together with the white tiger. Its chill cut the phantom thief deeper still, and he burst into floods of tears. All the while, the branches were dodging him with a moonwalk.
Running on again, he met two wolves: one with bright, sparkling golden eyes, and one that was very old.
"Grrrrrr!!!"
They growled at him. Frightened by those fierce eyes, the phantom thief fled at a desperate clip, working his legs so fast they spun like a whirlwind. Fortunately, that was how he dodged the mass of roots thrust at him like spears.
He realized he was hanging in the air on the strength of his legs alone. Three dragons flying through the sky met his gaze.
"Whoa!"
But his wonder at the splendid dragons lasted only a moment. He had no wings, and he fell.
Crash, bang, clatter!
Landing in a woodpile, the phantom thief clutched his dazed head and got to his feet.
"What."
A woodcutter knit his brows. He was splitting firewood not with an axe, but with an enormous greatsword, and the phantom thief had toppled the stack he had labored to build. Even at a glance, his mood did not look pleasant.
"Eek! I-I'm sorry!"
The man looked ready to swing that blade like a butcher, and the phantom thief choked back a little squirt of pee. Wiping cold sweat, he fled.
The sky darkened. Searching for the phantom thief it had lost, the tree covered the heavens with its branches, and drool streamed from the teeth along them. At that ill-mannered downpour, Snow Mountain and its neighbor, Great Mountain, flew into a rage. A stone hung about Great Mountain's neck blazed bright and drove the rain away.
A tiger burst out of Snow Mountain. Drenched to the skin, it panted and hid itself away in Great Mountain. The chase between tree and phantom thief had become a nuisance to everything around them. Not a single place was left in peace.
At last their tedious pursuit could end only when it reached the lip of a cliff, the full moon hung in the sky above it. There was nowhere left to set a foot. The phantom thief let his shoulders slump, dragged legs throbbing with cramp, and dropped down at the brink.
He stared blankly at the view below. Dry tears trailed from his mask. As if that lonely back were too pitiful to bear, a fire fairy appeared from somewhere, patted his head, and vanished. His skull cracked, and his mood improved.
"Kie. Kie." (Huff. Huff. Caught you at last.)
He turned. The Devil's Tree had caught him, leading a sky of branches and a wave of roots.
"Why did you come."
He snapped.
"Kieee……." (Because I'm sorry…….)
"Sorry for what."
"Kiii……." (I said it too harshly, didn't I?)
"No. What you said was right."
The phantom thief sighed, gazing at the full moon.
"What good is it if I'm the only one who calls myself a phantom thief. If no one else acknowledges it, it's useless."
"Kiii!" (It isn't!)
The tree smacked the back of his head.
"Ow! Why did you hit me!"
"Kieeeeeek! Kieeeeeek!" (When you called yourself a phantom thief, you shone brighter than anyone. Brighter than a coward running from me because he doesn't want to be eaten!)
Choked up by the comfort, the phantom thief changed his weeping mask for the Smiling Mask. It was pride, put on so his true heart would not be seen.
"Hmph. I don't need comfort dragged out of guilt!"
"I finally got up the nerve to apologize, and this is what I get! And you called me a pig!"
Ack! His conscience stung. Thinking it over, he had not done so well himself. They were even.
"……I'm sorry."
He apologized from the heart. He had been in the wrong, after all. At that, the tree let its anger subside.
"Kieeeek. Kieeek." (No. We were both wrong. We've both apologized, so let's leave it here.)
"Thank you. What a generous heart you have!"
Moved by a heart as wide as the sea, the phantom thief threw his arms around the tree. The tree grinned and chewed him up, munch by munch. His head came off and his limbs were ground apart, and still the mood was warm.
"Tree. You're a wonderful tree. How do I become like you?"
He was struck to the heart by its character, and felt both fondness and respect. The tree's bark flushed red with embarrassment.
"Kieeeng. Kieeeng." (You're wonderful enough already. There's nothing you need to learn from me.)
"Even so, I want to be like you. What should I do?"
He would not be put off. He had lost his torso and only a head remained, yet the life and vigor in his eyes were just the same. The tree was at a loss. Then a clever notion flashed through its mind.
Yes! If I make him give up on his own, that will do it!
I'll set him a task that means nothing at all!
"Keueek! Kyaaaak!" (You really want to learn from me? It won't be easy.)
The tree put on a deliberately majestic face. The phantom thief nodded, all innocence.
"That's all right. Someday I'm going to be the most popular phantom thief there is. And to get there, I have to learn from you!"
His resolve was dazzling. It pained the tree to deceive someone so pure, but it did not take the decision back.
"Kiik! Kieeek!" (Very well. But first you must pass a test! Only then can I teach you properly!)
"A test? Ha! I'll pass it so splendidly you'll have to watch!"
"What a fine attitude!" (Kieee?! Kieeeeee! Kyaaaaaaa!!!)
The tree rapped him on the crown of the head.
"The test is simple!" (No! Nooooooo!!!)
It forced his mouth open and stuffed one of its own branches inside.
"Eat me!" (Save meeeee!!!)
The phantom thief's eyes drew themselves into crescent moons. The world around them sank into darkness.
Crunch. Crunch.
Exactly as the test had prescribed, the phantom thief began to eat the tree. The snow mountains and the forests that had been nothing but backdrop faded away.
Crunch. Crunch.
In the pitch-black dark, only the sound of tooth striking tooth rang out.
Shrrrrk.