How to Spend Money Correctly (1)
About an hour had passed since that perverted alchemist, Alkerniman, had taken the Pitch-Black Mana and left.
I was sprawled across my filthy bed, hopping in and out of community forums in search of anything interesting, when Death Knight MK-1 appeared before me — bearing the glad news that he had executed his assigned mission to perfection.
I lifted a hand in the laziest greeting I could manage and asked,
"You're back. How'd it go?"
"Here it is, my lord."
Without another word, the Death Knight sent me a video through the System: one full hour of PT Gymnastics, five hundred repetitions packed into the footage.
I scrubbed through every second of it on fast-forward, then flicked up a thumb.
"That was perfect. MK-1, is there anything you want as a reward?"
"I am satisfied merely to have carried out my lord's command to perfection…."
"Anything you want."
"In truth, on the way back I took the liberty of searching Earth's various weapons through the System Shop, and I discovered a rather fascinating greatsword. I wish to have it."
"Okay, a greatsword's fine. What's it called?"
The moment I asked for the weapon's information, the Death Knight sent me a System Shop link as if he'd been waiting for exactly that. I blinked, a little thrown.
"Have you… already adapted? To Earth's society?"
"Swift adaptation and initiative are the virtues of a knight. I thank you for the praise."
"Uh… yeah. Sure."
I gave him a halfhearted grunt and clicked the link he'd sent.
Ding—!
◈ Silence Zone — Seals the vocalization, casting, incantation, and commands of all beings within a 10-meter radius (maximum 3 seconds)
◈ Black Flower Blooming — Temporarily increases maximum attack power by 500% (cooldown: 10 minutes)
◈ Sinking Edge — A slash that tears through dimensional veils. Unblockable. (Once per day)
I stared blankly, scrolling through the greatsword's info window.
"……."
MK-1 stood quietly at my side and added,
"My lord. I found this one greatly to my liking. Above all, the name Silence resonates with my identity as a knight—"
"Oh, for fu— hey. Freeze."
I raised a small, soft hand and clamped it over his mouth.
"Am I reading this right? This price has… one zero, two… three… four… five… six… eleven? MK-1, attention."
"Yes, my lord."
"This one weapon costs… 700 billion won… I'm seeing that correctly right now, yeah?"
MK-1 nodded with complete seriousness.
"Yes. I judged it rather inexpensive, all things considered. The legendary weapons crafted by the dwarf artisans of Barzena—"
"Inexpensive, my ass…?"
I opened my mouth, found no words, and shut it again.
700 billion.
Seven. Hundred. Billion.
My old bank balance flashed through my mind — the one from before I'd become a lich, before I'd been dragged into another world, when even at my peak I'd never scraped together two million won to my name.
I grabbed the back of my neck, trying to wrestle down a spike of blood pressure, and shouted.
"MK-1. You wanna die? We don't have a single won to our name, and you're out of your mind asking me to buy a 700-billion-won weapon."
Still, the anger wouldn't go.
Bam! Thud! Clang!!
I started hammering on his armor with fists as soft as dandelion fluff. MK-1 asked, as if genuinely puzzled,
"But did my lord not say that with money, one could live in the utmost comfort? And that money would be easy to come by?"
"When the hell did I say that, you tin-can son of a bitch!! And even the chaebols can't just drop 700 billion in cash on the spot!!!"
"…….."
MK-1 froze for a full second, then asked in a voice of utmost gravity.
"In that case, the solution is simple. We find the seller, kill them, and seize it…?"
"Have you lost your— hey. No. Way."
I clamped a hand over his mouth again and yelled.
"MK-1, this is Earth, not Barzena. And since the System no longer has any binding force over us, we have absolutely no need to act like ruthless villains."
"And the seller is the System — how are you supposed to kill that? Are you an idiot?"
"…….."
MK-1 thought for a moment, then nodded.
"Huh?"
"My lord said I may be worked like an SCV. I shall go to the Gates. I shall earn money at the Gates, and I shall obtain this greatsword. That is my request for a reward."
"…"
I fidgeted with my lip, then finally let out a snort of a laugh.
"…Fine. I like that drive, MK-1."
I swiped the shop screen shut and declared,
"A 700-billion-won greatsword? I'm in. We're getting our hands on this thing no matter what."
MK-1's red eyes blazed bright once more.
"Loyalty."
"Yeah."
It was in that very moment, as the Death Knight and I reaffirmed our burning, manly(?) bond of loyalty, that—
"Master!! I've made money!!"
Alkerniman, the perverted alchemist who'd been holed up in his laboratory for the past hour, came bursting out with a whoop — along with a System notification that a transaction had been completed.
I had to wonder just how much money the old man had made to be wearing an expression that creepy and looking that triumphant, so I immediately checked the contents of the screen he'd shown me.
"Alright, how much did you make that's got you throwing this whole circus…"
And then I froze solid.
"W-wait. How many zeros is that?"
I barely managed to still my trembling hands and started counting the digits, slowly.
"One zero… two-sies, three-zies… four… five, six… seven, damn it, twelve?… Wait."
Having counted every last zero, I shoved my face so close to the screen I nearly planted it there, my barely-calmed fingers starting to shake all over again.
Twelve zeros.
Twelve zeros meant one trillion.
"This is… this is… one trillion…? One trillion? How much even is one trillion?"
I muttered, my mind completely gone. Alkerniman wore a grin that slithered across his face like a crawling insect and declared, with pious reverence,
"Master, I did tell you, did I not? That if you would but bestow your grace upon me, I would repay you in kind. This is the result."
"Hey. You. What the hell did you make in one hour that printed a number this unhinged?"
Alkerniman gave a haughty snort.
"Ahem, bwahahaha!! It's really nothing much. I simply sold, based on statistical data of Earth humans' desires, a product whose supply relative to demand is zero percent."
"I call it—"
"……."
I was speechless.
MK-1 nodded and offered a brief assessment.
"Indeed… the most terrifying beings on the battlefield are fanatics, and after them, those in the grip of obsession. Earthlings, it seems… obsess over their own bodies."
"Hair loss — the one thing humanity never conquered… you made a trillion off a cure for that? In one hour?"
"No, to be precise, the hair-loss treatment itself accounted for roughly 600 billion. But I am no mere alchemist… I bundled it and sold it as a God-Life Potion Package."
"God-Life… Potion Package…?"
"Yes. 'Full physical recovery on four hours of sleep' + 'a stimulant effect completely harmless to the human body' + 'zero fat accumulation no matter how much you overeat,' and I attached 'deletion of lingering feelings for your ex' as a complimentary add-on, and—"
Alkerniman threw both arms in the air and bellowed.
"Sold out in an instant!!!! Earthlings have far too many holes in their willpower! This is a gold mine, a gold mine!!! Bwahahahaha!!!"
I covered my mouth with both hands, overcome with deep emotion.
"…You crazy perverted geezer, I always believed you'd pull off a big score someday!!! But why does 'deletion of lingering feelings for your ex' even sell…? Wait, never mind. The important thing is—"
I checked the System account balance again.
One trillion.
In one hour.
And I shouted without a second's hesitation.
"MK-1!"
"Yes, my lord!"
"Uwaaaaaah!! Loyalty!!!"
MK-1 let out a roar of joy, dropped to one knee, and thrust both hands toward the heavens.
Alkerniman muttered, almost sobbing.
"We have succeeded in securing our seed capital!! With this overwhelming financial power, we shall conquer the worl—!!"
"You lunatic."
I hopped straight out of my cheering pose and smacked the old man across the back of the head.
"Hey, geezer, take it down a notch. This isn't Barzena. We don't need to spill blood anymore, you hear me?"
"Aigoo, I understand. I must have let go of the reins in all the excitement. I am truly sorry."
"Yeah, let's do this right, okay? Anyway, you did good, so I'll give you enough Pitch-Black Mana to make your heart explode. Keep working hard."
I handed over a sphere of Pitch-Black Mana far larger than before — roughly three times the size of a basketball. The old man received it with the utmost care and bowed his head to the floor.
"Aigoo, to bestow such grace upon me once more… perhaps returning to human form as a cute young girl has made your temperament less deranged than it was in your Elder Lich days."
"Yeah, yeah, even I think I look ridiculously fu— wait, what did you just say?"
"Nothing at all. I shall take my leave, then…."
The old man fled to his laboratory as if running for his life.
And once I'd fully processed the meaning of what he'd said, I—
"MK-1, PT Gymnastics routine six, two thousand reps… actually, the old man's getting on in years, so just make it a thousand and come back."
"Understood."
After sending the reaper after our perverted alchemist geezer as well, I checked the account balance one more time.
"Heh heh."
Just looking at it made a smile spread across my face all by itself.