Chapter 189
Chapter 189
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 189
Chapter Title: Sharing the Stories I've Been Keeping Inside
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Watching the song come to an end together with the fans,
I had to struggle to suppress the overwhelming emotions welling up inside me.
It was a song filled with my heartfelt story, after all, so I ended up getting way too immersed in it.
But I'd made a promise to myself that I absolutely wouldn't cry today.
Hiding the tears that kept trying to leak out without any consideration,
I directed a question toward the Cherries.
"Hehe… Um, how was it, everyone? Was the song any good?"
Ehehe, I see.
Looks like the Cherries loved the song too. Good thing.
Some of them are even crying in my place.
It's kinda touching, actually.
"You guys have always said it to me, right? 'You're such a precious person, so why doesn't anyone appreciate you?' This is my reply to that—in lyrics form. It might get a bit long, but let me tell you my story…"
Spilling my personal guts like this,
feels like the first time.
And ideally, the last.
It's not exactly a fun listen, and I just want to share only good stories with the Cherries.
"Truth is, I grew up without ever receiving love from my parents. I can't go into the details easily, but by the time I was old enough to understand, both of them were already gone from this world."
The chat falls silent at this somewhat somber opening.
Honestly, even if the Cherries say it's sad, the fact itself didn't make me sad.
Because they left without me ever forming a deep enough bond to even feel grief.
"So it was a bit regrettable, and I always had to rely heavily on help from those around me. I'd borrow rice urgently from the neighborhood office when we ran out, and there was even a time when my slippers broke and I had no money for new ones, so I went barefoot."
Hehe, yeah.
How did I manage to live like that?
I'm kinda curious myself.
"Anyway, because I looked so ragged, people always hated on me wherever I went. They'd chase me out of stores, and even at places like the neighborhood office, while some kind folks would let me in… others would make me wait outside and just toss things at me."
No, don't do that, everyone.
Sure, it hurt a little back then.
But looking back now, it doesn't bother me at all.
"Thanks to that, I grew up thinking it was totally natural that 'I don't deserve love.' So not just with Pistas, but even when members or company staff showed me affection, I felt more sorry than grateful. Like, 'Does someone like me really deserve this?' I'd think that a lot."
Pfft, this is kinda funny somehow.
I'm the one talking all calm and collected,
yet the Cherries listening are turning into a sea of tears.
It's like they're crying on my behalf—makes me grateful, but also sorry.
I didn't want to make the Cherries cry.
I always just wanted to give them smiles.
Guess that makes me a failed VTuber.
"That's why even after debuting, I wondered if I really deserved all this love. On the other hand, I felt pathetic every time I saw myself like that. 'Why can't I just accept the love everyone gives me?'"
I could accept that my self-esteem was low to some extent.
But there was one thing I couldn't accept.
That by doing so, I was betraying the people giving me love.
I thought that was something I absolutely shouldn't do.
Yet even knowing that, it was hard for me to fix my mindset easily.
No matter how much I told myself I was worthy of everyone's love.
Every time I looked in the mirror, there was that voice denying it: 'No, you're not that kind of person.'
"But hilariously enough, there was a really simple answer. I only realized it way too late, though."
In the midst of repeatedly questioning myself like that,
one day, while looking inward, I ended up peeking into someone else's heart too.
It was the hearts of the Cherries.
Of course, I'm not a Cherry.
I'm not one of the people who love the VTuber Lulu.
So I can't fully understand or grasp their feelings.
But just as much as the Cherries like me, there was something in me worth liking.
And that was Blue LUV.
As I looked at myself loving Blue LUV,
I caught a glimpse of the Cherries within that.
And they asked me right back.
Did you love Blue LUV because they're a perfect group without any flaws?
The answer was obviously 'No.'
And just like that, the solution came surprisingly simply.
That when it comes to people liking people, flaws don't matter at all.
"Come to think of it, trying to change myself was no different from not trusting the Cherries. The me they like is this me, right? So why was I trying to change that?"
I'm clumsy at comforting myself.
And others' love feels a bit awkward to me.
But even that version of me is the one the Cherries like.
The moment I thought that, there was no need to overthink it anymore.
Yeah, let's accept it.
Yeah, let's let it go.
That pathetic me is still me, and the me the Cherries like.
No need to change myself.
And that's the feeling I poured straight into the lyrics.
"As I wrote the lyrics like that, it got kinda funny. I wanted it to feel a bit like a confession, but I ended up just spilling all my flaws and shortcomings. Like, 'Would the Cherries even like me like this?'"
Yeah, exactly that vibe.
"Still, at the end, I wanted to ask the Cherries to like me, but I wasn't sure how to phrase it. After agonizing over it, I timidly went with 'Would you like me even like this?' And then the composer saw it and loved it."
Guess so.
I was honestly a bit unsure while writing it myself.
But the composer loved it so much, said let's go with it as is, and just polished up the tiniest details.
"Oh, right! I should've mentioned this sooner. The truth is, the composer who took on my song this time is none other than VN. He's the one who did Yang Ye-in's new track and tons of songs for famous idols."
Thanks to a Cherry pointing out the part I'd missed, I explained it right on cue.
The chat scroll speed visibly doubled, flooded with question marks and exclamations.
Honestly, I didn't know much about VN composer until we met through this song,
but apparently he's one of the top five in Korea.
It's still a bit hard to believe that someone like him volunteered for my track.
"I'm so grateful to the composer too. Actually, my song was originally slated to come out a bit later… but he made the track first and reached out to us. He said to reject it if we didn't like it, just listen to it."
Hehe, and this is a secret, but
another surprising thing was that the composer did the entire production for free, no fees at all.
I figured at least recording help or something would cost, but no.
When I later heard the news and asked the composer why,
he quoted exactly what I'd said before.
'I don't want to make money off my fandom.'
I think I just laughed when I heard that.
After spilling all those behind-the-scenes stories about the song,
I felt it was time to bring out the second main dish of today's broadcast.
My very first birthday party ever.
"Hehe, anyway, that's enough about the song for now. Shall we get into the birthday party proper?"
Got it, so wipe those tears first and speak.
If we do another birthday cafe next time, I'll invite more people.
For today, just celebrate together from home, everyone.
Pop!Pop!
With those thoughts, I triggered the birthday fireworks effect and kicked off the party proper.
My first birthday I've ever properly celebrated in my life.
My first birthday party shared with someone else.