Chapter 82
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Translator: 8uhl
Chapter: 82
Chapter Title: The Fall of a Nation
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The Hunan Admiral, Yang Fang, was overflowing with confidence.
This was no mere arrogance. He had a track record, and the Son of Heaven, trusting in that record, had assigned him the critical task of repelling the Yang-i.
Neither the White Lotus rebels nor the Islamic insurgents of Xinjiang had been a match for the great Qing Dynasty.
Although the enemy had claimed victories at sea, the true might of the Qing was revealed when fighting on solid ground.
Just as he had crushed the rebels, he would sweep away the Yang-i armies like leaves in an autumn wind.
If there was one single point of concern, it was the pitiful state of the hastily gathered militia.
Many of them were so dazed by opium that it was questionable if they could fight at all.
Even among the commanders who were supposed to lead the soldiers, it was not uncommon to see men lost to the drug.
But it was fine. He had prepared a masterstroke that would render such trivial factors completely irrelevant.
In the most solemn voice he could muster, he surveyed his subordinates and raised a clenched fist.
“Proud soldiers of the great Qing! We stand here today to drive out the Yang-i who have invaded our land and to become the heroes who saved our nation! Some among you may have heard strange rumors that their weapons possess an unheard-of power. But do not be afraid! Their sinister sorcery has already been completely deciphered!”
“Sorcery?”
“That’s right. I’ve heard rumors that the Yang-i enhance their weapons with sorcery.”
“They say our cannonballs bounce off their ships, while their cannonballs fly from places we can’t even see.”
In an instant, tales of how the English devils had devastated Guangzhou and the Zhoushan Archipelago, embellished with a few extra details, spread among the soldiers.
Even in this situation, Yang Fang remained unflustered and raised his voice with confidence.
“But do not be afraid! As I said, their sinister sorcery has been completely deciphered. The cannons they possess have their power amplified by an extreme enhancement of yang energy. If we neutralize their surging yang energy, their cannons will miraculously miss us!”
“Ooooh!”
“Originally, yang energy must be suppressed with yin energy. This world is composed of the harmony between yang and yin. While men are responsible for yang energy, it is women who are responsible for yin energy. Therefore, these chamber pots, which are concentrated with female yin energy, are our secret weapon to neutralize their arms!”
“Chamber pots? So, you’re saying women’s urine has the power to stop the Yang-i’s cannons?”
“I’ve heard a similar story. Wasn’t it in *Romance of the Three Kingdoms* or *Water Margin*? Storytellers always used to tell tales like that.”
Breaking sinister spells with filth was a familiar and proven method passed down from ancient times.
Yang Fang did not stop there.
Knowing that tigers were best for catching Westerners, he had not forgotten the meticulous detail of appointing numerous commanders born in the year, month, and day of the tiger.
With such thorough preparations, how could they possibly lose?
In fact, reports of continuous victories against the English army were already being sent to Beijing.
The story of how Lin Zexu had advocated for caution, suffered a great loss in battle, had his entire fortune confiscated, and was sent into exile was already famous among the governors.
Therefore, the Son of Heaven had to believe they were winning for him to retain his command.
Since he was going to win anyway, he didn't feel like he was lying.
Victory was already all but decided.
Yang Fang’s confidence gradually infected the soldiers.
“They say those bastards have fewer men than us. If their cannons become useless, it’ll be harder to lose than to win.”
“I can’t stop laughing just thinking about how panicked they’ll be when their sorcery doesn’t work. Hahahaha!”
“Disgusting Yang-i bastards! You’re all dead.”
“So, as long as I hold this chamber pot, the Yang-i bastards’ cannons will all bounce off? Great! I’ll deflect them all, so just follow me!”
They said the enemy’s ships used some sinister sorcery to deflect their own cannons; there was no reason they couldn't do the same.
The disgraceful defeat Lin Zexu had suffered paradoxically became a stepping stone to boosting the soldiers’ morale.
The enemy had been strong solely because of their sinister sorcery, and if they could break it, they could, in turn, achieve an easy victory.
With their morale thus soaring, the great Qing army marched out confidently to intercept the English forces and soon spotted the enemy setting up their encampment.
“Defense force, forward!”
At Yang Fang’s command, soldiers holding the distributed chamber pots stepped forward in a line.
*We can do this.*
The acrid stench of urine stinging his nostrils made him want to bring up the breakfast he had forced down, but if this was the smell of victory, he would gladly endure it.
*Rumble! Boom!*
As a sound that shook the very earth reverberated, they swiftly raised their chamber pots like shields, just as they had practiced.
It wasn't the sound of thunder.
They had heard it so many times their ears ached; they knew what it was. This sound was…
“The Yang-i’s sorcery!”
“Neutralize the yang energy! Block it!”
The sound and shock were on a different level from when arrows or matchlocks were fired.
It felt far more thunderous than their own cannons, but that was all because of sorcery.
Could something that produced such a terrifying sound really be blocked by a mere chamber pot?
Now that it was a reality before their eyes, their confidence threatened to wane, but they had to believe.
*Keeeeeeeee!*
He could feel the dreadful sound of something tearing through the air getting closer and closer.
*Block it. Block it. Block it. It has to be blocked.*
*If it isn't… no, it can definitely be blocked. Please, let it be blocked!*
“Uwoooooh!”
“Aaaaaaaah!”
As if to shake off their fear, everyone tightened their grip on their chamber pots and let out a collective battle cry.
*BOOOOOM!*
With the sound of something exploding, a pitch-black darkness that swallowed all sight and sound descended.
***
“You sons of biiiiitches!”
“Neutralize the yang energy, my ass! Cao! It has no effect at all!”
“Run! Run! We can’t break their sorcery!”
Admiral George’s eyes filled with disbelief at the sight of the enemy lines instantly collapsing into chaos after just a few volleys, followed by a few rounds of concentrated fire.
I had heard the stories, but even I found it hard to suppress a chuckle.
The spectacle of them marching forward with regal confidence only to hold up chamber pots against our artillery was truly a masterpiece.
If only I could have taken a picture, it would have been lauded as the single best image summarizing this war. A shame, really.
“Admiral, the enemy has completely collapsed. We’ve also demolished all the walls they were defending with our artillery.”
“...Did they really smear urine on the walls too?”
“Uh… um, yes. It appears so.”
“It’s exactly as the Minister said. At this point, it’s almost like a prophecy.”
The emotion in the eyes of the admiral and his officers as they looked at me was now shifting from trust to something closer to faith.
I was certain.
At least for the duration of this war, whatever I said, the admiral would unconditionally say yes.
Although I wasn't formally enlisted in the military, it was as good as decided in this moment who would be the greatest contributor to this war.
Even looking solely at military merit, excluding any diplomatic negotiations, my contributions were unparalleled.
Both Charles Elliot and George Elliot would report as much, so this was already a confirmed future.
“Admiral, do you now see why I said we shouldn’t stop at Nanjing?”
“Yes, I thought we came with thorough preparations, but this is… truly breathtaking. In many ways.”
“Let’s investigate the process and results of this battle, along with the kill-death ratio, and hand it all over to the Dutch. This should serve as excellent promotional material.”
“I will see to it. However, since there were no fatalities, calculating a ratio will be impossible this time as well. Did you know? There’s a rumor going around among the soldiers that they absolutely must not die.”
What kind of obvious statement was that? Who goes to war wanting to die?
Sensing my bewildered gaze, the admiral hastily added another word.
“What I mean is, it seems to be a sort of joke, that being recorded as the first soldier to die in this war is more terrifying than death itself. Hahaha.”
“The Qing would faint if they heard that story.”
In other words, in all the full-scale battles that had occurred so far, there had not been a single friendly casualty.
While some had fallen ill from injuries or endemic diseases, to have fought several major battles without a single combat death was a result that defied all common sense.
In truth, this wasn't simply because we fought well.
Even in this battle, if the more than 40,000 enemy soldiers had charged with the determination to take at least one of us with them, it would have been impossible for us to escape without any losses.
But the current Qing army lacked not only the technology and tactics, but also the fundamental will to continue fighting.
The commanders of the British Empire, who had experienced countless wars, were not so inept as to miss this aspect of the enemy's condition.
Even I could see the enemy's level as clearly as if it were in the palm of my hand; how much more so for the others?
“Minister, once this war is over, I intend to tell the soldiers to hold onto the feeling of victory from this war, but to erase everything else from their memory.”
“And why is that?”
“If they carry the memory of a battle like this into a future fight against a nation like France or Russia… it could lead to a major disaster, don't you think?”
“That is a fair point.”
If you get too used to hitting a stationary sandbag that doesn't even shadowbox, you might be flustered when you have to fight an opponent of a similar level again.
“In any case, with this easy victory, Shanghai and Nanjing are as good as in our hands. As you ordered, Minister, we will paralyze Nanjing and then immediately move the fleet north. Do you think they will respond with a similar level of competence if we push all the way to the vicinity of Beijing?”
“Even if they are incompetent, I doubt it will be to a level that leaves us feeling this miserable even in victory. But I do wonder if they’ll have the courage to risk a decisive battle to stop us.”
“Courage? With their capital threatened, wouldn’t they have to fight, unless they plan to raise the white flag and surrender completely?”
“That’s the problem. They won’t be able to.”
Normally, yes, but the Qing Dynasty was not in a situation to do so.
By now, they must know I’m broadcasting the results of the war to their tributary states in real time. Would they really be able to gamble with the fate of their capital?
If they fight a battle near Beijing and win, all is well. But if they lose, the fall of the capital becomes inevitable.
The fall of Nanjing is a significant event, but the fall of Beijing would create shockwaves that are simply incomparable.
The tributary states are starting to pay close attention to the war's direction. What would happen if the result was that Beijing was taken by the Yang-i and the Son of Heaven fled to Manchuria?
That was precisely the outcome the Qing faced in the original timeline during the Second Opium War, and this time, the tributary states are watching the situation even more carefully.
No, perhaps one of the nations—Joseon, Ryukyu, or Japan—has already sent people to Beijing.
The blockade of the Yangtze is imminent. Once we take Tianjin and station our army at the gates of Beijing, the Qing will naturally be forced to make a choice.
Will they get thoroughly routed in one last battle in front of their tributary states and give up Beijing, or will they give up everything they can to protect their capital?
Whichever they choose, it’s a winning hand for us, so all we have to do is wait patiently.
After all, they’re the ones feeling the pressure now, not me.
***
Around the time Yang Fang was boasting that he would block the British Empire’s cannons with chamber pots drenched in the stench of urine.
Unlike the chaotic south, the Qing capital of Beijing, and its heart, the Forbidden City, were enjoying an era of peace and prosperity.
—The great imperial army of the Son of Heaven, Your Majesty, is achieving victory after victory against the Yang-i forces who invaded without knowing their place. The enemy is cornered by their accumulating defeats and is now begging us to at least allow them to trade.
From every front, from every commander, the only news that arrived was of victory, leaving the Son of Heaven feeling utterly satisfied.
“They should have known to grovel when we were being magnanimous; then we might have permitted a minimum of trade. Truly, are they not ignorant fools?”
“Your Majesty’s words are indeed correct!”
“The defeat of the English is now only a matter of time, Your Majesty!”
They were so full of themselves after winning a single naval battle. Serves them right.
“I have heard that the English are sending detailed accounts of this war’s progress to our tributary states. Does anyone know how that is proceeding?”
“We have received word from Joseon, Japan, and Ryukyu. Joseon has already dispatched an envoy to explain their relationship with the English representative, Killian Gore, and Japan is also requesting to be received.”
“There is no reason not to. Bring them all to the capital. I will show everyone these rebellious Yang-i kneeling before my authority. Then, no matter how cunningly the Yang-i wag their tongues, my tributary states will not bat an eye.”
Normally, he would not receive envoys so recklessly during a time of war, but the situation was slightly different now.
With reports of continuous victories flooding in, the unconditional surrender of the English could not be far off.
The more nations that shared in this great achievement, the better, would it not?
He even felt it was fortunate that the envoys were coming at this time.
No, this was not mere luck, but the destiny of the Son of Heaven, who carried the fate of the heavens on his shoulders.
“It seems even Heaven lends its strength to Your Majesty’s reign.”
“With this, Your Majesty’s prestige will once again shake the entire world.”
Though it was empty flattery, the Daoguang Emperor let out a hearty laugh for the first time in a long while and praised the efforts of his subjects.
“Yes, when did they say the envoys would arrive?”
“It seems they departed before seeking permission. Both the Joseon and Japanese envoys are expected to arrive within a fortnight.”
“The timing is perfect. By then, the report that Yang Fang has completely driven out the English army from the south will have arrived. I shall personally share that joy with the envoys.”
“They will be at a loss for how to respond to Your Majesty’s imperial grace.”
Of course, they should be moved. They must be.
The Daoguang Emperor took a pleasant sip from his cup, imagining the reaction of the English, who must be regretting having awakened a sleeping tiger.
Come to think of it, he had heard the English representative had Joseon blood.
Since a man with the blood of a tributary state was responsible for the war, perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to make England a tributary state as well.
Formally establishing a tributary-investiture relationship with a major Western power was an achievement that even the great Kangxi and Qianlong Emperors had not accomplished.
Ah, but before that, it would be proper procedure for that English Prime Minister or Queen to perform the three kneelings and nine kowtows in his direction.
The Daoguang Emperor could only marvel, again and again, at his own brilliant plan, which would surpass even those of his great ancestors.