This Has to Be a Dream
"Dohyun, how long have you liked me?"
Sometime after we'd started drinking, Nuna turned to me with a curious look on her face.
"Hmm. It's been about a year now."
Just the other day had marked exactly one year since I'd fallen for her. That day from a year ago was still so vivid I could remember every last detail, and yet so much time had already slipped away. It was a strange feeling.
"A year, huh. I see. What was it about me that you liked? If it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to answer. I'm just genuinely curious."
The herbal tea had only been a temporary fix, so even if she'd calmed down somewhat, this whole incident must have shaken her pretty badly. She probably just wanted to hear something positive from someone close to her — what they liked about her, what they saw as her strengths.
"The first time I saw you was a total coincidence. I used to watch game streams every now and then, but I didn't really subscribe to anyone, and I wasn't that into it."
Even before I'd fallen for her, I'd enjoyed playing games, so it wasn't like I never watched gaming streamers. I just wasn't the type to actively subscribe and keep up with anyone's broadcasts.
"A video just happened to autoplay, and it was one of your YouTube edits. I was going through a really rough time back then. I was exhausted — completely worn out — and then there you were, endlessly bright and cheerful... Honestly, at first, I hated it."
It was a selfish thing to say, but that was how I'd felt at the time. I was struggling, and this person was out there doing what she loved, laughing and living happily. The inferiority that came with that had completely taken over my entire body.
"But even though it pissed me off, even though I hated it, I couldn't stop thinking about it."
The first day, I hadn't even watched a full minute before shutting the video off. And yet that clip I hadn't even finished kept circling and circling through my head.
"I still didn't go looking for it. I deliberately pretended I didn't care. And then one day came when I really, genuinely wanted to die."
There had been a dark period when it felt like I didn't have a single person on my side anywhere in the world.
"And that was when this thought hit me. What am I even holding on for? If I want to die anyway, I might as well spend just one day doing whatever I want."
I had no money and nowhere to lean on, but I wasn't so broke that I couldn't spend a single day however I pleased.
"The moment I made up my mind, the first thing that came to me was your video."
I remember digging through my YouTube watch history to find it. Of course, I hadn't been watching much YouTube at the time given how badly I was doing, so it was easy enough to track down.
"I watched it again, and I just... I started crying so hard. That unique brightness of yours, that strength you showed — I loved it so much. It felt like you were telling me to keep living. That if I just held on and survived, the light would reach me someday. That's what it felt like you were saying."
So I lived. Of course, Nuna hadn't even known I existed back then, but I really did survive because of that. Even when things got hard, even when I wanted to die, I thought of that moment and held on. And held on.
"And the light really did reach me, in the end."
I never imagined that light would turn out to be her.
"Anyway, that's why I liked you. And then at some point, I just started liking everything about you. That's how being a fan works, right?"
When I'd talked about this with Eunchae, I'd been able to rattle off Nuna's strengths right in front of her without a second thought, passionately listing every selling point of my fandom. But sitting here alone with her, bringing up something this serious — I suddenly felt embarrassed.
"Ah, it's hot. So hot."
I fanned myself with my hand and knocked back the soju sitting in front of me.
"Ugh, this is disgusting...!"
Yeah, that had been a terrible decision. It was so bitter... like drinking hand sanitizer. Why on earth did people like this stuff?
Nuna — the one who'd asked what I'd liked about her in the first place — had been sitting there the entire time I talked, and even now that I'd finished, with her mouth shut tight, wearing an expression I couldn't read at all.
...Did I mess up somehow?
Was it because I'd said I found her annoying and hated her at first?
But that wasn't about her being annoying — that was about my own inferiority complex...!
"Uh... Nuna. Cheers...?"
I awkwardly topped off our glasses and lifted mine, trying to break the silence.
"Thank you, Dohyun."
Clink.
She raised her glass, tapped it against mine, and smiled.
Ah... she was so beautiful. Nuna really was...
I still thought that sometimes. That the system appearing, everything that had happened with Eunchae, working alongside Nuna and sharing these feelings — that all of it might actually just be a dream.
"Don't thank me. I should be the one thanking you."
"Hmm? No way. I'm more grateful."
"I'm telling you it's not. I'm more grateful."
Even this — the two of us going back and forth, neither willing to lose the "I'm more grateful" battle — felt like I was dreaming.
"Ugh, if we keep this up we'll be here till sunrise. Let's just say I'm a tiny bit more grateful and call it."
"Nope. I'll be the one who's a tiiiny bit more grateful, and then we'll call it."
"Choi Dohyun, you stubborn little—!"
She scooted in close with a sulky look, and then — pinch — she grabbed my cheek. I flailed in surprise.
"Gah—!"
"You're just too cute, I swear!"
Cute? I wanted to come across as manly and cool if I could. Was it a lost cause because I was younger?
"Haa, fine! Whatever, forget it all! Let's get wasted! Drink till we drop~!"
"Hey, we probably shouldn't actually drop dead."
"Ah-ah. No T-talk allowed."
"T-talk...? That's harsh."
Okay, sure, if I took an MBTI test I'd come out as a T. But even Ts have feelings, you know? Ts are people too...!
"Heh... ah, drinking with you is so much fun. I love this. And that Eunchae brat got to enjoy something this great all by herself! That's so not fair!"
She was probably talking about the company dinner.
"But you sat that one out because you had a stream—"
"Are you going to keep being a T-boy, Choi Dohyun?"
She narrowed her eyes at me. I shook my head.
"I-I'm sorry."
"Okay. Good. I like a fast apology!"
Her energy shot right back up, and she laughed brightly as she took another drink.
"You drink this nasty stuff like it's nothing, Nuna."
"That's because Dohyun is still a baby. You don't know the bitterness of the world yet. Sob, sob. Once you do, there'll come a day when soju tastes sweet...!"
I gave her a look of pure disbelief. The way she was talking, you'd think we had a twenty-year age gap.
"Anyway, that Eunchae brat. She got to do all the fun stuff with you. I wanna do fun stuff with you too~!"
All the fun stuff... Well, she wasn't wrong. We'd drunk together, been fans together, had sex, and, uh... yeah.
"I heard everything."
"Hm? Heard what?"
She'd been knocking back drinks, and now her cheeks were flushed. She put on a serious face, but it only made her look cuter.
"You and Eunchae did it!"
"Pffft—!"
What the hell was this person saying. I was so startled I sprayed soju everywhere.
"Ah, sorry... you caught me off guard..."
"Why are you so shocked?"
"How could I not be? If you say something that easy to misunderstand..."
Anyone would react like this if you phrased it that way, right? Sure, Eunchae and I had done it, but that couldn't be what Nuna was asking about... right? Then what did she mean we'd "done"?
"I don't think it's a misunderstanding."
"Nuna, how much do you actually know?"
I wasn't confident I could hear this sober, so I chugged soju as I asked. Weird. It had tasted incredibly bitter earlier, but now I couldn't taste anything at all.
"Ah, is it bad if I say this? Eunchae told me everything. That you two slept together."
Are you kidding me... Jung Eunchae, what the hell have you been telling people...!
"Ah, and I heard you're sex partners, too."
...No...! Even if you're close, people don't just say that kind of thing, do they?! We're acquaintances too — what kind of image are you trying to give me here, you idiot...!
"I'm so jealous..."
But Nuna's reaction... something about it was off.
"...Nuna, what did you just say...?"
I asked again, thinking I must have misheard.
"Hm? I said I'm jealous."
"Jealous? What do you mean..."
"Well, I've been thinking I want to do it with you too, so of course I'm jealous."
...Is this a dream?
Ah. It's a dream. Yeah. That tracks.
It's a dream. Of course it is.
This doesn't make any sense, honestly.
Yeah. Yeah. That's it.
Ah, if it's a dream, then sure. That could happen!
"Ah, I get it. This is just a regular old dream. Haha!"
Whether it was the alcohol or not, the thought I'd been keeping inside slipped right out of my mouth. But that was fine, right? It was a dream anyway.
"Hm? This isn't a dream. This is reality."
"Come on, no way! This is totally a dream!"
"Hmm... even if I do this, you're still going to call it a dream?"
Smooch.
Huh...? Wait, what was...
Nuna suddenly leaned all the way toward me and pressed her lips against mine. But the sensation of her lips... it was far too vivid.
"...Don't mess with me, Nuna."
I had no choice but to admit it. This wasn't a dream.