Not Exactly a Friend
That’s really not it.
“……Hmm.”
Cassandra covered her mouth, lost in thought.
Truth be told, the moment the words left my mouth I had the uneasy feeling I’d spoken a little too casually.
Right up until we left the company, Rachel had been the kind of boss who was slightly difficult to face—someone you felt a little awkward around. If we were going to work together again, she would become my employee. That alone might feel uncomfortable. And quite apart from that, she was high-caliber talent. Even if we promised her a salary that matched her worth, she would naturally weigh the name value and vision of a company that could actually help her career.
“Sorry. I got a little ahead of myself.”
Cassandra’s expression grew more thoughtful for a moment, then she shook her head.
“No. If Rachel took a firm hold of the office, we could hand over the accounting side completely—and even if a few new hires came in, we could trust her with them.”
“That’s true. Her experience speaks for itself. But wouldn’t it still feel awkward?”
Cassandra laughed heartily and slapped the table with her palm.
“She was the boss back then, but she isn’t anymore. We’ll be in different departments, and I’m a founding member in my own right! Right?”
I smiled and agreed.
“Exactly. Not ‘in your own right’—you’re an actual founding member.”
“Right. And Jun is the boss!”
“I thought we were doing it the other way around. I figured you’d start the company and I’d just be the creator working under you.”
“Come on, that would be way further down the road…… Right now everything’s spinning around you alone. Dreaming that big is pure wishful thinking. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“I don’t necessarily see it that way.”
I said it because I knew full well I never could have gotten this far on my own. But Cassandra was firm.
“I’m really grateful you recognize how hard I’ve worked, but think about the relative importance, Jun. Let’s keep it simple. Even if the channel needs what I do, someone else could replace me just fine. You’re the one who can’t be replaced.”
“……I’ll work hard.”
Even though she wasn’t wrong, it still left me a little sheepish. But offering faith seemed better than false humility, so “I’ll work hard” was all I could manage.
“Yeah, I’ll work hard too. Anyway, we’ve come far enough that we’re even debating whether to hire our old boss!”
We chuckled and this time raised our coffee cups in a toast.
“But once I started thinking about Rachel, I can’t stop thinking about her.”
“She is tempting talent.”
She handled her own work with crisp precision as a baseline, was strict with herself and her team alike, and on top of that she had her own network and social skills.
“Should we try reeling her in through Greg?”
Cassandra asked with a sly edge, her tone making it impossible to tell if she was joking or serious.
“No, that’s a bit……”
No matter how much Rachel loved Greg, she was a realist. And on our side, we couldn’t exactly hire expensive talent before we were even ready.
“Still, once we’ve at least opened a studio we could maybe bring it up, right?”
As I said that, a knock sounded at the front door.
……It was Evan.
Why does this guy come over to our place so often?
Yesterday I had invited him, sure, but I’d already handed over the third recipe, so there was no reason for him to be breathing down my neck about the manuscript. I figured we wouldn’t need to see each other for a while.
Still, he was a neighbor living in the same villa complex, a contractor whose mutual agreement with me hadn’t ended yet, and a man whose wife had recently run off and given birth to another man’s child…… It felt a little harsh to slam the door in his face.
In the end I greeted him as dryly as I could while still staying on the polite side of rude.
“You’re here again.”
“Yes. Hope you had a good day. I brought some books for you on my way home from work. I included a few of the latest volumes from the series you were reading to the kids last time.”
With that, Evan held out a heavy paper bag containing five or six books.
“Ah…… Yes, thank you……”
“And I drafted a more concrete proposal regarding the idea I floated this morning. Do you have a moment?”
With Cassandra’s warm welcome from behind, Evan joined us at the table.
“Have you eaten?”
“I’m fine. A cup of coffee will be enough.”
But looking at Evan’s eyes, it seemed less like he was running on calories from food and more like he was being driven by some kind of mania.
I gathered the leftovers from dinner prep and made him a rye-bread salmon sandwich, which I set out with the coffee.
“It really does look good. Then I’ll gratefully accept. Every time I come to this house I end up being fed something delicious.”
“Jun’s a pretty good cook, isn’t he? That’s why the videos of him cooking always do well. Of course, it’ll take a while before any of them can top today’s numbers.”
“Oh? Don’t tell me you got the algorithm’s blessing?”
This guy didn’t look the type, but his word choice was surprisingly professional.
As always, once three or more people gathered, I—being the quiet one—tended to drift a little out of the conversation.
“To create a point of differentiation from other channels that read books aloud, what I came up with was……”
“As it happens, this time……”
“For the reviews, our editorial department will separately……”
Once Cassandra and Evan launched into an enthusiastic discussion about book reviews, there was even less room for me to jump in. Still, following the content mattered, so I listened carefully.
When the topic somehow veered into something that sounded uncomfortably like praise for me, I started reading the room and quietly stood up. I pretended to tidy dishes for a while, then decided to go rehydrate the kids, who were still dancing up a storm and dripping with sweat.
Charlie’s water went into a glass cup, Reni’s into a plastic cup with two handles and a straw he could hold with both hands, and Luca’s into a full baby bottle. I headed for the living room.
“Alright, take a quick break and drink some water.”
I paused the tablet video and handed water to each of them in turn; they all gulped it down greedily. Luca gripped the bottle upright with both hands and drank with loud, determined swallows.
I pulled out a handkerchief and wiped the beads of sweat from Reni’s forehead.
“Reni, was the dance Charlie hyung taught you fun?”
Nod nod.
Even while gulping water he nodded hard. Apparently playing with Dad and playing with a hyung a few years older were two different things.
I gave grateful Charlie a pat on the shoulder.
“Our Charlie’s doing a great job teaching the little ones how to dance. That’s a real hyung for you.”
Ten years old. Compared to Luca or Reni he was practically an adult, but still young enough that a single word of praise from a grown-up made him beam.
Even so, if the heat kept rising they’d wear themselves out, so I shifted their attention. From the books Evan had brought I pulled out a new picture book for kids and showed it to Charlie.
“Charlie, do you ever read books to your buddy at school?”
Charlie puffed out his chest proudly.
“Of course! My buddy loves it when I read to him!”
“I see. Then could you maybe read to Reni right now? He really loves this series, you know.”
“Yes!”
While the newly excited ten-year-old and four-year-old climbed onto the sofa side by side, I picked up the nine-month-old baby who was bound to feel left out.
“Aigoo, my baby. You must’ve played so hard—your whole body’s warm.”
Maybe it was because there were three adults and three kids, but without noticing, the room temperature had climbed quite a bit. I threw open the terrace doors for ventilation, bumped the ceiling fan up a notch, and lowered the air conditioner a little.
When I looked at the baby again, Luca was still diligently working his way through the cup of water his brothers had already finished. I brushed his slightly damp hair back from his forehead, and Luca—bottle still in his mouth—looked up at me and gave a soft, smiling squint of his eyes.
“……Our Luca, when did you get so big?”
At the start of the year it had just been the two of us all day long. Back then Luca had been so much smaller, so much more fragile.
“A lot has happened. Right, Luca?”
I kissed the forehead of the baby smiling brightly at me and stepped out onto the terrace for a moment of evening air.
We’d come through that winter alone together, and already it was summer.
“Luca. This winter, want to make a Christmas tree with your hyung?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Aigoo, you can answer even while drinking water?”
“Uh-huh.”
Luca answered with a playful eye-smile. By now he seemed to catch the nuance of every teasing thing I said. He still couldn’t form proper sentences, but he could say “Daddy”…… Looking at how much he’d grown filled me with emotion.
At first he’d been such a tiny, gentle baby.
“Really, when did you get this big?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Haha.”
Then and now, you still make me smile.
A sudden wistfulness hit me—that children grow up too fast—and I felt oddly unsettled. For a little while I let the process of his growing up replay in my mind.
That freezing winter day, the baby who’d ridden around with me, eating and sleeping in the stroller. So gentle he barely cried, so thankfully never got sick. A little later, the baby who smiled brightly at every person who held him. ……Then one morning he developed separation anxiety, started being shy with strangers, and eventually could openly show when he disliked someone.
“Hmm……”
If I disappeared from his sight even for a moment he would cry and fuss; if I didn’t get up in the morning he’d slap my cheeks without mercy; when he was in a bad mood he’d throw things; and even when he was in a good mood……
Clink!
Right—just like now, throwing things.
“Heh……”
“Luca, you threw that on purpose so Dad would go pick it up, didn’t you?”
“Uh-huh.”
I picked up the bottle he’d flung and suddenly found myself replaying every stage of his growth as it flooded back.
If I said it was bedtime he’d run away; if I said it was bath time he’d run away; even while getting dressed he’d run away; if I said it was time to eat he’d run away first. If I pulled him out of the bookshelf where he’d stuck his head and was crying, he’d go right back and stick his head in again, and if something wasn’t to his liking……
“…….”
Strange. Just a moment ago my heart had swelled watching him grow.
I carried the baby back into the living room. Reni and Charlie were completely absorbed in the story on the sofa. I glanced toward the adults; Cassandra was showing Evan our channel on her phone, apparently explaining what had happened today. Now that we were this much more famous she was probably launching into negotiations for more money. Better if I stayed out of it a little longer.
But five minutes later.
It felt about time to rejoin the conversation, so I sat down at the table with Luca in my arms. Yet something looked off—Evan seemed emotionally charged, as if the words had stuck in his throat.
“What happened?”
I asked in confusion, but Evan stayed silent, and Cassandra just looked back and forth between us with a bewildered face.
“Well, I showed Evan the first membership video……”
……Ah. That was enough for me to guess the situation. Given where Evan was right now, that video could easily have shaken him emotionally. After all, when life is hard even an ordinary breakup song can leave you reeling. Of course Cassandra had no idea of the backstory, so the current scene wouldn’t make any sense to her.
I was still wondering how to smooth things over when Evan spoke.
“You thought of me as a friend.”
“Ah……”
No…… that’s really not it.