Rage
I gave no answer.
I stood rooted to the spot as if frozen solid, concentrating every scrap of my attention on the sounds coming through the receiver.
The Mother Superior said nothing more. She did not press me for a reply, nor did she tell me to hand Luca back to his birth mother.
That meant “just stop by once” was the whole of what she wanted to say.
It had to be. If it were anything else, I would be far too disappointed in one of the few people I still trusted.
“......Then I’ll stop by on Friday.”
“Alright.”
Both yesterday, when I took the call, and today, I went on with my routine as if nothing at all had happened.
I delivered desserts to James, looked after the kids, made a few more leather goods for the YouTube channel....
And even when I opened the door for Greg, who had come to talk about the autumn performance.
I thought I was answering him more or less normally. He was nodding along, ticking items off his checklist one by one.
The moment he realized something was off came after the meeting ended, when he tossed out a single remark.
“You feel like the old you today.”
“......The old me?”
“Yeah. Kind of... brittle? Cold in the face? Is round-the-clock parenting really that rough?”
He added that at least when we still worked at the company, the daycare had taken some of the load off.
“People say looking after kids with separation anxiety is even harder. Guess it’s true. You can’t even go to the bathroom properly, right? Is that why you’re like this?”
When I only gave a dry little laugh instead of answering, Greg rose with a serious expression, swept his gaze around the house, and asked,
“Want me to help with something? I learned a lot from my mom and my sister.”
“......No, it’s really not that. I’m fine. You don’t have to worry.”
“Fine? Luca keeps watching your face.”
“What?”
I whipped around toward the baby. Luca, who had been looking at me from the play mat, quickly turned his head away.
“......!”
I shot up from my seat and walked over to him.
“Luca.”
“Mm-hmm......”
The baby wriggled his small hands and looked up at me.
It hurt.
I dropped to my knees and opened my arms wide. That was always enough to make him come to me and plop into my embrace.
I smiled, pouring every bit of apology I had into it.
“Come here, our Luca.”
“......”
Still sitting, Luca leaned his upper body toward me and stretched out both hands. I scooped him up.
Then I simply held him close for a while, tight and still.
“......Daddy’s sorry.”
“Mm-hmm......”
“Okay, seriously, what is going on.”
Greg’s voice cracked with pure frustration as he watched us.
“If you don’t spill whatever happened right now, I’m bringing my mom over.”
I couldn’t help laughing out loud. Somehow, even that didn’t sound so bad.
“If you don’t want to go, then don’t.”
After hearing the whole story, Greg’s tone was absolute.
“She dumps the kid and now she shows up? Where was she when the baby needed a mother the most? Does that person even have a conscience?”
“She never said she wanted him back.”
“Forget that. She doesn’t even have the right to make you this anxious and burdened. Who’s been raising Luca all this time?”
Greg was angry on my behalf, as if he were feeling the rage I couldn’t quite summon myself.
“......But I can’t just rip Luca away from his birth parents by force.”
“Is that the legal side?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know her exact situation...... But morally, at least, it feels that way.”
“Morals, my ass. Why should you keep a rule they already broke?”
“It’s not about them. I just don’t think deliberately hiding it from Luca is a good idea.”
When Luca grew up—if we were still together then—he would feel betrayed by me. That much was certain.
Greg’s reaction stayed cool.
“I don’t know. Maybe a kid doesn’t need to know that some parents never deserved the title.”
I gave a bitter smile. That was the kind of thing you said when you had never lived without parents of your own.
“......Either way, I need to see what state she’s in.”
Not knowing would have been one thing. Now that the child’s parent had appeared, I had to grasp the exact circumstances. No matter the reason, I couldn’t simply look away.
Greg sighed and stood up.
“You’re going tomorrow? Then I’ll take the day off and come with you.”
“I appreciate the thought, but you can’t just skip work. I’ll take a taxi.”
At times like this, not having a car almost felt like a blessing. I doubted I could hold a steering wheel with a clear head.
“Come on, drop it. My girlfriend’s the boss I have to watch out for right now—who’s gonna say anything?”
“No......”
“Besides, the atmosphere at the company is total garbage lately. Rachel’s already looking into other jobs...... One eternal bottom-rung guy like me missing a single day won’t change a thing. Though of course......”
Greg snorted and added,
“Austin’s gonna suffer.”
That told me the old man was still getting chewed out by Rachel. Or rather......
“I joked about the company going under, but is it actually happening? Is that why Rachel’s preparing to leave?”
“Honestly I don’t know the exact details, but after watching what happened with you and Cassandra, she’s been thinking a lot. And our girl is seriously competent. Headhunters already called her regularly. Even without that, she’ll probably move through connections...... Anyway.”
Greg said that watching Cassandra and me walk away had finally driven home that there was zero reason left to be loyal to that place.
“What time tomorrow? I’ll time it so I’m not late. Or should I just sleep over here tonight?”
I sent Greg home with all his fighting spirit still blazing, then got ready for bed with the baby.
Whether he really was reading my mood or not, Luca didn’t throw a single bedtime fuss today. He lay down quietly.
“......Luca, our Luca. Were you worried about Daddy?”
“Eeh......”
I gently stroked his cheek, took his small hand and gave it a little shake. Then I brushed the hair that tickled his forehead aside and pressed a kiss to the round little brow.
“It’s okay. Daddy was just worrying over nothing.”
“Mm-hmm......”
“Our Luca’s going to sleep with Daddy tomorrow and the day after that too, right?”
Daddy’s going to harden his heart a little more.
The next morning.
While I waited for Greg—we had agreed to eat a simple lunch together before leaving—and dressed Luca, a text arrived from Maria.
A hollow laugh escaped me. I already knew Greg’s mouth was never sealed tight, but still......
Knock-knock-knock.
It was Greg. After I told him the doorbell made Luca tense up, he never forgot to knock instead.
The second I saw how he was dressed, I burst out laughing for real.
“Did you seriously put on an all-black outfit thinking it would make you look intimidating?”
“Yeah, how is it? Pretty effective, right?”
I shook my head hard.
“Come in and eat. And why are you going around broadcasting this like it’s good news? Maria already texted me.”
“You tell people when good things happen, sure—but when you need help is exactly when you should ask every single person you know.”
Greg said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and I let out a deflated little laugh.
I had lived my whole life the opposite way. There hadn’t been many people to share good news with, and the hard things I hid even more carefully. They only became gossip and weaknesses.
“Yeah. Thanks for treating it like your own problem.”
“Of course. You did the same for me. Oh, and I didn’t call Cassandra because you told me not to.”
“Good. She’s busy enough as it is.”
If I had told her, she would have slapped on the fiercest makeup on earth and come running this very second.
“You should brace yourself for an earful later.”
“Haha.”
I set sandwiches and fruit in front of Greg.
“Still...... I’m really grateful to everyone.”
“Yeah. And nothing bad’s going to happen, so cheer up. If you get anxious, Luca will get anxious too.”
Greg made a peek-a-boo face at Luca as he spoke. Luca stared back at him with a sulky expression.
Even after telling myself I had steeled my heart, I couldn’t get a single word out during the thirty-minute ride to the group home. It felt like something was stuck in my throat.
All I did was work desperately to keep the baby asleep.
Please, I begged silently, let me finish everything while he’s sleeping and take him straight back home.
Fortunately, Luca was sound asleep by the time the car entered the grounds.
Whether the renovations were finished or not, the place was quiet—quiet enough that everyone inside the building would notice our arrival.
Greg parked in the new lot beside the building, and the blue-eyed nun from before came out to meet us.
“Welcome.”
“Yes, hello. I......”
“I’m Sister Greta.”
“Yes, Sister Greta. Is the Mother Superior in the director’s office?”
“No. She’s upstairs on the second floor with the baby’s birth mother. Leave the little one with me and go up.”
I looked at Luca sleeping in the car seat and refused firmly.
“Luca has separation anxiety. He cries if he can’t see me, so I’d like to keep him with me.”
Sister Greta’s almost translucent blue eyes moved between me, Greg, and Luca before she nodded.
“Then since the child is asleep, one of you guardians can stay here, and Mr. Jun can come up for a moment.”
Greg looked at me and nodded.
“I’ll watch Luca. Go on. Doesn’t sound like it’ll take long.”
“Uh, if he wakes up and cries......”
I was giving Greg my last request as I stepped out of the car when someone suddenly rushed up beside me.
A woman with disheveled hair.
I didn’t need an introduction or an explanation. This was Luca’s birth mother.
She looked at least ten years older than me, yet she wore the face of someone who had aged far faster than her years.
Hair streaked white from stress, eyes swollen raw from tears, hollowed cheeks.
They proved she had not been living well after giving the child away.
She stared for a moment at Luca, who was breathing softly in sleep, her expression on the verge of a full sob. Then she clamped a hand over her mouth and vanished hurriedly into the building.
And......
Looking at her, I got angry.
A sudden, uncontrollable rage began to rise. Not a single drop of pity stirred in me for someone in that state.
Who do you think you are.
Who do you think you are, playing the pitiful one.
If the baby was so precious, you shouldn’t have abandoned him. Or you should have come looking sooner.
You should have come and taken him back before I fell in love with him.
You should have taken him back before he recognized me as his parent!
I stormed after her up the stairs, footsteps heavy with fury.
I was going to confront her and the Mother Superior both.
“Why, why, why......!”
Why had they let things come to this.