The Things Left Behind
Greg gently stroked Reni’s hair as he spoke.
“It’s okay. When you’re little, you might not remember things very well. Even Uncle doesn’t remember the birthday parties from when he was a kid all that clearly.”
Even in this awkward moment, I thought Greg was speaking quite maturely. Maybe it was because he had become a dad.
Reni seemed to mull over Greg’s words for a moment before giving a small nod.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
Still a little disappointed, he quietly added, “It would be nice if I could remember having a birthday party. Or maybe I really didn’t have one.”
A quiet sense of hurt seemed to wash over Reni, leaving him unsure what to do with it. Looking at the floor and stretching the hem of his clothes, I lifted him onto my lap and gently pulled him close.
“Of course you had a birthday party. Reni’s mom and dad must have loved you so much. They definitely did.”
“Yeah. But I still feel a little like crying.”
Reni nuzzled his face into my chest, then looked up at me with a slightly troubled smile. My heart ached every time I saw that expression on him.
Still, I was glad he was honest enough to share how he felt.
After soothing him for a bit, I raised my voice slightly and asked, “Reni. Do you know when your birthday is?”
Reni thought for a moment, then shook his head. He looked up at me with a face that seemed ready to cry for real.
I smiled lightly, as if to say there was nothing to worry about.
“Daddy knows. Reni was born on a bright, warm spring day. May 14th.”
“Ah, I see!”
Reni clapped his hands. The face that had looked ready to cry moments ago was gone without a trace, replaced by pure joy at learning his birthday.
“When winter passes and spring comes, let’s have Reni’s birthday party. We’ll have a party at the church on the weekend, and another one when we go to the studio.”
“Wow, twice?”
“Yeah. We’ll definitely do it twice. Oh, and they might have a birthday party at kindergarten too.”
“Three times! Birthday parties three times?”
I kissed the top of the child’s head as he stomped his feet with joy.
“That’s right. And Daddy will do everything our Reni wants. The cake you want to eat, the birthday present you want—I’ll get it all for you.”
“Really? Really really?”
“Yeah. While we do Luca’s birthday party this time, how about thinking about the things you want for Reni’s birthday party? And if you draw them in your sketchbook, Daddy will make sure they all come true.”
“Wow! I like that!”
I hugged the child tightly as he raised his arms in a cheer, his face truly happy.
My heart ached. Surely, until Kyle left the child’s side, Reni must have spent very happy times. And yet he remembered nothing.
……There had to be photos left somewhere.
Penelope, whom I had met because of the procedures to become the children’s guardian, said she had covered the costs for the guardian appointment with the money from disposing of Alicia and Kyle’s house.
Even if they sold the house, there must have been belongings left. I wondered where all those things had gone.
“…….”
In fact, if there were belongings left, it was obvious where they would be. I simply hadn’t asked on purpose. Of course the Sisters would have them.
In Alicia’s room, which I had seen briefly before, there hadn’t been any personal belongings visible, so they were probably keeping them safely somewhere else.
I would ask when I dropped the kids off this Saturday.
On the following Saturday, we headed to the church in Cassandra’s car for the first time in a while.
Charlie, excited for the drive together after so long, played diligently with the kids the whole way there.
He pulled Christmas crackers from his bag and proudly announced to his little brothers, “Tada! Do you know what this is? I snuck this out of the house just to show you guys!”
“Oh my, he’s incorrigible. When did he even take that?”
Cassandra let out a wry laugh, but Charlie paid her no mind.
“Okay, Reni hold this side and Luca hold this side. Oh, big brother will help Luca hold it. Now, when I say one, two, three, pull, okay? One, two……”
Pop!
With a small bursting sound, a little eraser, a paper crown, and a slip of paper with a joke popped out of the Christmas cracker.
“Wow, a Santa Claus eraser!”
“Charlie, you can’t give the eraser to Luca. He might swallow it.”
“Yes! Then Reni can have this.”
Charlie handed the eraser to Reni and unfolded the paper crown in front of Luca to distract him.
Reni seemed to quietly do a little victory stomp.
We continued on cheerfully like that for several dozen minutes.
“Huh? Where’s Mommy?”
As we entered the church parking lot, Reni muttered to himself in a startled, anxious voice.
Today, Alicia and Sister Greta, who always stayed by her side, were nowhere outside the church building.
“…….”
Could something have happened?
But if so, they would have contacted me beforehand. Since we visited at the same time every week, wouldn’t they let me know in advance so as not to surprise the child?
Just as that thought crossed my mind, Cassandra parked and dismissed it with common sense.
“Reni, it’s snowing and it’s too cold now, so maybe Mommy and Sister are waiting inside?”
“……Aha! That makes sense!”
Reni giggled as if embarrassed for not thinking of something so obvious.
I unloaded the kids from the car with an expression as if I had known that all along, and asked Cassandra to wait a bit while I went to see the Mother Superior.
When I knocked on the group home’s front door, small quick footsteps sounded and Tony opened it.
“Mister, hello!”
“Hey, did you have a good week?”
“Yes!”
Knowing exactly why the child looked so happy to see me, I stepped inside and promptly took out the container of cookies and muffins from the stroller.
“But where is Sister Marisa?”
“She’s in the kitchen! She said she’s making raspberry pie today.”
“I see. Then I guess you don’t need what Uncle brought.”
“No way!”
When I pretended to put the container away, Tony jumped.
“Just kidding. If we eat pie today, we can have muffins and cookies tomorrow.”
“Yes. Hehe.”
I stroked his cheeks, which were a bit red and chapped from playing hard in the cold. I was glad Tony seemed much brighter.
“Big brother, where’s our mommy?”
Reni looked around with slightly anxious eyes, searching for his mom. He seemed flustered that she wasn’t visible even after coming inside.
“Auntie’s still sleeping! She went to bed late yesterday. She didn’t even eat breakfast this morning.”
“Ah, I see.”
As Reni sighed in relief, Sister Marisa came out of the kitchen upon hearing our voices.
I was entrusting Reni to the kindly Sister Marisa when Sister Greta came down from upstairs.
“Hello.”
The nun with eyes so blue they were almost chilling returned the greeting with a simple nod. Seeing that she made no particular comments or gestures, it didn’t seem like anything major was wrong with Alicia.
“Is the Mother Superior available by any chance?”
The sister shook her head.
“She’s especially busy at year-end, so if you wish to meet her, it would be better to make an appointment in advance.”
“Yes, you’re right. I knew she was busy but didn’t think to make an appointment.”
Truthfully, making an appointment had felt a bit burdensome.
I swallowed a short sigh. Why was I so pathetic?
As I berated myself while feeling a strange sense of relief, Sister Greta asked, “Is there something I might be able to help with?”
“Ah……”
As I hesitated a moment looking at the kids, Reni grabbed my leg and said, “Daddy, I’m going to Mommy! Goodbye kiss!”
“Okay, have fun playing with Tony hyung and Jennifer over the weekend. Listen well to the Sisters.”
After receiving loud smacking kisses on his cheek and forehead, Reni smiled brightly and ran upstairs with Tony.
When Sister Greta cautioned him not to wake Mom yet, he answered vigorously from the end of the stairs, and the sound of running down the hall faded away.
Only after the kids had gone far enough not to overhear did I ask about Alicia’s condition.
“Has her condition worsened by any chance?”
“Not particularly. Even ordinary people have good days and bad days.”
……Right. Still, I was relieved that it wasn’t anything major.
“So, is there something I can help with?”
“Ah, yes. By any chance……”
When I asked about the whereabouts of the belongings left after disposing of Alicia and Kyle’s house, Sister Greta wordlessly headed to the storage room cum pantry next to the kitchen.
Then she pulled out a not-too-large box from the lower shelf and handed it to me.
“Previously, the Mother Superior said that if Mr. Jun ever came looking for them, to hand them over.”
“Ah, yes……”
I stared at the box with a momentarily dazed face. It didn’t feel real.
“Um, is it okay for me to take this?”
I thought it was a stupid question since I was the one who had asked, but Sister Greta nodded without hesitation.
“It’s better for Alicia’s peace of mind if she doesn’t look at those things anymore.”
“Ah……”
“And I heard that the Sister sorted through most of it herself. There shouldn’t be anything too burdensome for Mr. Jun to handle.”
“……Yes, I understand. Thank you.”
One box.
The memories of what had once been a happy family remained in just one box.
I couldn’t bring myself to open the box that day.
When I came home after singing at the pub, I used the excuse that it was late. On Sunday, I used the excuse that I wanted to spend the whole day with Luca and might not be able to give it proper attention.
It was because of a fear I couldn’t quite name.
But Monday morning, after picking Reni up from the church and dropping him off at kindergarten, there were no more excuses.
I sat at my desk in the studio.
After glancing at Greg and Cassandra, who had already started their morning work, I finished preparing my heart to open the box. Thinking I would just handle it like work, I opened the lid.
And my breath caught in my throat.
Three pairs of small newborn socks in light sky blue lay on top.
They were brand new, never worn. The couple had clearly prepared them for Luca.
“…….”
After staring at them without even blinking for a moment, I set the socks aside with the thought of finishing it emotionlessly, like a task.
Unwrapping a package wrapped in brown paper revealed a few baby clothes.
And a rattle that Reni might have played with as a baby.
A pair of baby shoes left as a memento……
They were all the children’s things. When I took everything out, there weren’t even ten items.
At the very bottom was an album that fit the box snugly.
There was no gap to insert my fingers, so I flipped the box upside down over my knees to get it out.
Its heavy weight pressed on my legs.
That was all.
I couldn’t bring myself to open the album.
I felt disgust at my own foolishness.
What had I been thinking, trying to find photos?
Would the day ever come when I had the courage to look at them with the child?