If I Weren't Afraid
“This is why people say the old should just die already.”
“…….”
Age isn’t everything in social life. Still, it isn’t easy to speak your true feelings or thoughts without filter to someone of advanced years.
Friends were different, though. The ones who had grown old together since the days they strutted through the city in miniskirts said everything—what should be said and what shouldn’t.
Honestly, I still didn’t understand why Jane had told her friends about what had happened between us. She must have known they would react like this. So why?
After enduring her friends’ scolding in silence, Jane let out another deep sigh, looked at me, and apologized.
“I never properly apologized back then. That day I was a little… No. Anything more I say will just sound like excuses. I’m truly sorry for the way I spoke that day. It was a truly awful thing to say. I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but I honestly didn’t say it out of any malice toward you.”
“Yes, I’ve already forgotten—”
“Ah, I get it. You did it because of George, didn’t you?”
I was trying to accept Jane’s apology gracefully when Amanda suddenly cut in. Then she looked at me and tossed out a sensitive story without the slightest hesitation.
“Her husband, the one she’d been with since high school, had an affair with an Asian woman.”
I’d already heard it from Dimitri, but was this really something to bring up? Whatever I had been about to say vanished, and I just opened and closed my mouth like a fish.
“Hey, you—! Amanda! Why are you dragging that story out again? You haven’t changed one bit from the old days.”
Lily pressed a hand to her forehead while Rose smacked Amanda hard across the back. Rose’s hand must have packed quite a sting; the sound was sharp.
Amanda remained completely unfazed.
“What? Did I say anything that wasn’t true?”
“Even so, you should know what to say and what not to say. Is not knowing how to do that something to be proud of? You rotten old hag!”
“That’s enough, all of you. You’re making him uncomfortable.”
Jane looked at me standing there awkwardly, raised a hand, and stopped her friends’ rampage.
Then she pointed to a stool in front of the bar as if telling me to sit, and asked again.
“It’s a poor apology gift, but I’ll make you a cup of coffee. What kind of coffee did you come for?”
“Ah, just a black coffee is fine. Acidity is… I’m not really sure.”
I enjoyed coffee, but I had never drunk it while fussing over the flavor notes of the beans, so I had nothing particular to say. Honestly, I had just wanted a quick cup that came out with a whir and a hiss, without even sitting down.
But Jane looked like the kind of person who poured her whole heart and soul into a single cup. She nodded at my answer, asked one more question, and tied on an apron.
“It’s night, so decaf?”
“No, I don’t really like decaf…”
With that answer, Jane turned and began selecting beans. The professional atmosphere she gave off made it impossible for me to stand up; I just sat there awkwardly. Rose gently patted my back and spoke.
“Jane used to be the most famous barista in our neighborhood, you know. Her coffee is as good as her picky personality is sharp. You’ve had a long day—have a cup before you go.”
“Yes, thank you.”
I offered a vague thanks without even knowing whom I was thanking and remained seated with that same uncomfortable feeling.
In the meantime Jane finally chose a bean. From the equipment she was preparing, it looked like she intended to do a hand drip.
I waited for the coffee in silence. Lily must have felt sorry for me, because she brought up an old story.
“I never told you that this young father became our neighbor, did I?”
Amanda pricked up her ears, and so did Jane, who had started grinding the beans.
Lily and Rose quickly recounted how I had handed out cake when I first moved into the villa, and how adorable the children were.
“The cake Jun brought when he moved in was so delicious that we wanted to order dessert from him every week. Then we heard he was going to supply desserts regularly to the café on the first floor. We thought that was even better.”
Rose looked at me as she spoke.
“We ordered a whole cake once, remember? That was when the girls came over and ordered it.”
Amanda snapped her fingers as if the memory had just returned.
“Ah, right. That cake was really good. It was the only edible thing at that gathering.”
“Honestly, the way you talk…”
Meanwhile a wonderful coffee aroma filled the air around us.
“……If you let me know next time you visit, I’ll bake you a whole cake. Most of what I supply to James’s café is just slice cakes and simple desserts.”
“Oh my, that would be wonderful.”
Whether Jane noticed or not, this was my gesture of reconciliation.
With Cassandra and Dimitri tying us together, neither Jane nor I wanted things to stay awkward between us. At least, I didn’t.
Even if we never saw each other again, I wanted it clear that I had done my best from my side.
After a wait that felt short yet long, the coffee arrived. Sadly, it was not in a take-out paper cup but in a pretty piece of bone china.
“Thank you.”
Thinking I would drink it quickly and leave, I lifted the cup. But I couldn’t just gulp down coffee that was still steaming, so I carefully took a sip.
And the coffee was so good that I couldn’t help exclaiming.
“……This is delicious.”
When I looked up, my eyes met Jane’s; she was taking off her apron and watching my reaction.
“I’m not exaggerating—this is the best coffee I’ve ever had. What beans did you use? Did you brew it with expensive ones?”
As I fired off questions, Jane smiled faintly and shook her head.
“Dimitri may know alcohol, but he has zero interest in coffee, so we don’t have any particularly good beans here. Still, coffee tastes as good as the care the person brewing it puts into it.”
“I see.”
I had always thought the coffee at James’s place tasted good because of a fancy machine or expensive beans.
“I used to think the coffee here was already good. But even with the same beans, the flavor comes out completely different.”
At my honest praise, Jane gave a small smile.
“Thank you for saying that. Looks like my skills haven’t completely rusted away after all.”
“Then make ours again too. The coffee that girl made earlier was just bitter water.”
“Please, Amanda. Please!”
Rose smacked Amanda’s back again. Jane laughed and put her apron back on.
“Fine. I’m in the mood.”
She already seemed to know her friends’ coffee preferences, because she didn’t ask any questions.
After choosing the beans, she turned on a siphon coffee maker. This time she was going to extract with a siphon in addition to the drip.
“So you used to run a coffee shop before?”
“Having my own coffee shop was a long-held dream, but my son wanted a pub, so I invested my entire fortune here.”
“Ah……”
Jane took away my already empty cup with a smile.
“A decent amount of money comes in every month, so it wasn’t a bad choice. Wait just a moment—I’ll brew one more for you to take.”
“Ah, yes.”
Even as she said that, the long-held regret showed clearly on her face.
“Why not open a café even now? With coffee this good.”
“Well… it’s too late now. Who knows when I’ll die? And my back already hurts so much I can barely stand for long.”
Everyone laughed at Jane’s seasoned joke, but unlike the other grandmothers, I couldn’t laugh. Suddenly I thought of someone who had left behind children and a wife and gone first.
So without meaning to, I said something that sounded like it came straight out of a “Quote of the Day” calendar.
“You’re still so vigorous. Instead of thinking it’s too late, wouldn’t it be better to try even now?”
Jane smiled quietly without answering and continued brewing the coffee in silence. Of course a young man’s words wouldn’t really reach her…
While I was thinking that, Amanda abruptly cut in. She rubbed her fingertips together like someone craving a cigarette as she spoke.
“The kid’s dad is right. We’re still going strong. Besides, there’s an order to being born, but no order to dying. Remember Oberon who died last year?”
“Why on earth are you bringing that child up all of a sudden?”
“Because it’s true. Who would have thought a guy fifteen years younger than us would go so empty-handed?”
Amanda and Rose bickered as if this were everyday life. Jane gave a small laugh, shook her head, and set the cups down.
She poured coffee into a take-out cup for me as well and handed it over with an apologetic look.
“It must have been hard being stuck next to these chatty old ladies. Go on now. Thank you so much for coming to my son’s wedding.”
Instead of standing up, I stroked the warm paper cup and spoke.
“If you do what you want even now, every single day might feel exciting and joyful.”
“Ah……”
It might have been an overreach, but the way Jane had overreacted just from seeing a passing Asian person with a white baby made me wonder if she was still living trapped by old wounds.
If that was the case, wouldn’t it be better to start something new that made her heart flutter, rather than spending each day chewing over a painful past?
“That’s right. What’s stopping you? It’s not like you’ve lived so recklessly that you can’t even do that much for yourself.”
Amanda added gruffly to my careful suggestion. It was encouragement that sounded like a challenge, but the point was the same.
“I’m just worried I’ll start something and then leave without cleaning it up.”
Jane answered like a sigh, but Amanda didn’t back down.
“Oh, tell Dimitri to clean it up. You’ve cleaned up every mess that boy ever made until now.”
“Honestly. Are parents and children the same?”
“Well, I wouldn’t know since I don’t have kids. But your son doesn’t look that useless to me.”
I quietly nodded beside them.
I hadn’t known Dimitri for even a full year, but at least he didn’t seem like the kind of man who would stop his mother from doing what she wanted just because he was afraid of cleaning up afterward.
Amanda clicked her tongue in frustration.
“Since we’re on the subject—everyone already knows it’s late, so stop talking and just start tomorrow. We might die any day, so why nitpick over this and that?”
“The way you talk! Jane is worrying about the people she’ll leave behind.”
“That’s true too. The people left behind don’t worry about the dead. They think about what more they could have done for them while they were still alive.”
As the friends started arguing, Jane let out a small sigh. Then she laid out her worries. It was a concern she had clearly carried in her heart for a long time; the weight of it was considerable.
“No one will come to a café run by an old woman like me. And managing staff won’t be easy either…”
Amanda slammed her palm down on the table with a bang.
“What are kids these days, gangsters? There aren’t that many people who look down on the person paying their salary. You really do worry about the strangest things.”
This time Rose sided with Amanda instead of scolding her.
“She’s right. And old people will come to a café run by an old person. We all get our pensions every month. We’ll take responsibility for part of your sales.”
Even Jane had to laugh at that. Smiling myself, I stood up and said,
“If I could drink coffee like this every time, I’d come whenever I had a free moment. And…”
I didn’t know well because I had no mother of my own to remember, but…
“I’m sure Dimitri would cheer his mother on. The fact that the fear of failing is this big means it’s something you’ve wanted to do for a very long time.”
Even my still-young children would probably cheer me on and tell me to do everything I wanted, after all.