A Courageous Father and Son

So his heart went thump-thump whenever Daddy vanished from sight.

The adorable child had found the prettiest way to say he felt anxious the moment his father was out of view.

“I see.”

The little confession made my throat tighten.

I checked that Luca was still sound asleep beyond the bedroom door, then scooped Reni into my arms and paced the living room with him. And there, we finally had the conversation we had both been quietly postponing.

“So that’s why our Reni didn’t want to go to kindergarten all this time?”

“Mm-hmm.”

Still half-asleep, Reni answered with a bashful little smile.

I wondered, then, how he had managed on weekends at the cathedral. Since the sisters had never mentioned any trouble, I supposed that place felt all right—Mom was there, the sisters and Father were there, everything familiar. Maybe kindergarten simply felt too strange, and that only made the anxiety worse. I soothed him gently as the thought turned over in my mind.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize your heart was going thump-thump, Reni. But even when you can’t see Daddy, you don’t have to worry. Daddy will always ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠come get you. With Luca, in the yellow vroom-vroom. Okay?”

“Mm…”

Even after my comfort, the child looked troubled. He gazed up at the ceiling for a moment, then spoke in a tiny voice.

“I thought the Daddy in the sky would come home soon too.”

My breath caught as if someone had clamped a hand over my mouth. This small child still remembered a promise from a father that had already been broken once.

Tears welled up and shimmered in his eyes, yet Reni only managed a faintly awkward smile. I almost wished he would just cry his heart out instead.

The stretch of time I had failed to notice had been far deeper and sadder than I had ever guessed.

I pressed a kiss to the boy’s forehead, then sat us both on the sofa and wiped his tears away.

“All right. Daddy understands completely now why our Reni feels so uneasy.”

Even so, I couldn’t make some grand promise like “Daddy’s different—I’ll stay by your side forever.” That was a vow no one could lightly swear. No parent can remain at a child’s side for all eternity.

So I made the smallest promise I knew I could keep.

“Reni. If Daddy can come to you, I’ll always run to you.”

Somehow I felt I understood the heart of a man I had never met. For a moment I even wondered whether Kyle, unable to keep his own promise, had sent me in his place.

“I’ll always try to make sure Reni is happy. Because all your daddies want is for you to be happy.”

The child nodded while crying without a sound.

“But Reni has to work ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠hard for his own happiness too.”

“How?”

He swallowed his tears and asked. I could feel his little heart racing so hard it hurt my own chest.

I forced a soft smile and stroked his back, trying to soothe the heat rising behind my eyes.

“Instead of worrying about things that haven’t happened—like ‘What if Daddy disappears?’—doing the things Reni can do today will make you much happier.”

“But my heart… my heart…”

At last the child broke into quiet sobs.

“Yeah. I know.”

I held him tightly for a while, patting his back, then continued.

“It’s okay to be scared. Of course it is. Even if you’re so scared you can’t do anything else, that’s fine. Grown-ups feel that way too.”

Now Reni was weeping in earnest, yet he still nodded as if he were listening carefully.

“But if you stay like that, you’ll miss so many happy moments waiting for you.”

His small hands clenched the fabric of my shirt.

“So our Reni has to be brave and trust. Trust Daddy, and trust all the people who love you, that everything will be okay—even when they’re not right in front of your eyes.”

I was speaking to myself as well. I, too, had to believe that the child would be all right even when he left my arms.

After all, this was a boy who wanted to step out into a wider world and receive love from so many people.

I stroked his back, remembering how lively he had been today, how differently from me he had soaked up everyone’s attention and grown even brighter.

When his crying finally eased and he had calmed a little, I smiled again and looked into his eyes.

“That’s how you’ll meet new friends, meet people you love, and become even happier. Daddy believes our baby can be brave and do it well.”

Reni kept wiping the fresh tears with his sleeve as he asked,

“Be brave? Even if I cry?”

I pulled him deep into my arms once more.

“Yes. Even if you cry. Whenever you want to cry, you can cry as much as you need. You’re still being brave.”

The tears came again. I simply rubbed his small back in silence.

Reni cried for a long time—long enough that I grew worried about dehydration and brought him water.

Afterward, though, he seemed much calmer. Maybe after one night’s sleep he would wake up tomorrow with a heart just a little sturdier.

As I stroked the back of the limp, blinking child, a sudden question rose.

“But Reni… doesn’t your heart go thump-thump when Mommy isn’t next to you?”

“Mommy…?”

He blinked heavy eyelids, then nodded and answered.

“Mm… Because Father and the sisters are watching over Mommy…”

“Ah. I see.”

Pat, pat.

The autumn night grew deeper.

The next day Reni went off to kindergarten with swollen eyes but his chin held high.

“Daddy, you can’t be late later, okay?”

“I won’t. I’ll come pick you up right on time. And if you miss Daddy too much in the middle of the day, just tell your teacher. I’ll come running.”

Even if he had seemed to understand every word last night, Reni was still only four. Separation anxiety born of deep wounds might not vanish with a few sentences. So I made sure he knew it was fine to do whatever he needed.

But Reni only clenched his little fists, smiled, and answered,

“Okay!”

Then he dashed off toward the classmates waiting for him.

After asking the teachers once more to look after him carefully, I stood outside the window for a moment watching him, then turned my heavy feet toward home.

Back in the office I picked up one of the thinner books Evan had sent, hoping to settle my restless heart. Luca’s usual lively energy helped a little too.

Flip.

“…”

It felt strange to get paid for reading, but I told myself I was filming sincere content and kept going.

Settled into the new beanbag sofa, turning pages at an easy pace, I felt my mind gradually grow quiet. At some point it became so peaceful I almost wondered whether it was all right to feel this calm.

Of course I still kept checking my phone out of worry for Reni, and the business needed attention, and I was busy in all sorts of ways… yet perhaps because Reni had found the courage to go do his own part, I felt I should be faithful to my own ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠life as well.

Clatter-clatter!

Luca was making a racket with a wooden puzzle, always giving his absolute best to whatever filled his moment. Being fully present right now, I realized, was the best medicine for an anxious heart.

I watched him fondly—he looked ready to dismantle that puzzle even if a meteor were about to hit Earth tomorrow—then returned to my reading.

“…”

The book Evan had sent was full of ideal aspirations, nothing like the cynical, bitter essays he himself wrote. It comforted the reader by saying that even if love had hurt, that pain was simply part of life’s process, and that having loved once meant one could love more maturely next time.

Perhaps he had written those essays precisely to highlight these points. As I read I marked passages that would be good for copying by hand later.

“…”

Even after finishing the whole book, an awkward stretch of time still remained before I needed to pick Reni up.

I pondered how to use the scraps of free time, then brought over a fountain pen and a sheet of paper.

I had been thinking it might be nice to start writing letters again someday. Now that I had a pen I liked, jotting one down lightly didn’t seem like a bad idea.

I left the top line blank—no need for a recipient—and began writing down the same words of comfort I had offered Reni and myself the night before.

Clatter!

I sat for a moment wondering how to finish the letter, added a few more lines, then folded the paper neatly. Just then Luca, looking thoroughly proud of himself, flung the last piece aside—he had finally succeeded in completely dismantling the puzzle.

“Daddy!”

He called me with a triumphant face and pointed at the mess.

“Yeah, our Luca. You broke the puzzle.”

Should I praise him for this or not?

Unsure, I sat down in front of the pieces he was pointing at and carefully put the 3-D puzzle back together again, one piece at a time.

“Ta-da. Daddy fixed it all.”

“Ehehe.”

Luca watched my work with a satisfied little smile, then stretched out his arms to be picked up.

“Did you just want Daddy to put the puzzle back together?”

“Yeah.”

You understand everything and answer properly, don’t you?

I pressed a smacking kiss to my second son’s cheek, then set out to pick up my first.