Proud, Yet Lonely
“Does it look that way to you, Maria?”
I wondered how she could possibly know after seeing him only once, but Maria nodded with absolute certainty.
“Of course. So please don’t worry too much. As long as you keep standing firm as his solid foundation, Jun, the child will feel free to explore new things, do what he wants, and grow up without holding back.”
If it could really turn out that way, I couldn’t ask for anything more. Thanks to her words, my heart felt a little lighter.
“Thank you for saying that. I’ll have to try even harder from now on.”
If Maria had spoken to me as a parent, Cassandra offered advice that hit much closer to home.
“You really do worry too much, Jun. What you should be focusing on right now is not wearing the same clothes over and over again every single day.”
Ugh. Ever since Reni had brought up my black-and-white T-shirt rotation that day, Cassandra seized every chance she got to tease me about it.
“I don’t do that anymore…”
Even without her needling, ever since the day on set when Reni had earnestly declared that he wanted his dad to go out looking nice, I had been making an effort with my style.
Of course, “making an effort” only meant picking one brand and copying the outfits posted online exactly as they appeared.
“That’s good. It’s best to stay tense, as if a camera is rolling on you every second.”
“Ugh, isn’t that a bit much?”
Greg protested on my behalf, but Cassandra just waved her fork and kept going.
“Part of it is about maintaining your dignity as a star, sure, but if a parent goes around looking sloppy, kids will pretend they don’t know them out in public. Once they start kindergarten, they develop a sense of social awareness.”
“Wait…”
Pretend they don’t know me. Just hearing those words was a shock.
“And I hate to say this, but Jun—you know kids are more direct than adults, right?”
“…Yeah.”
Even without Cassandra spelling it out, I knew exactly what she meant. The child and I were different races. Adults might not ask outright, but kids would.
Why does your dad’s skin color look different from yours?
My skin was pale enough that people sometimes mistook me for mixed-race, but of course it still looked nothing like a true white person’s in tone or feel. On top of that, the child had light golden hair while mine was pure black.
And if I looked sloppy on top of all that?
“I should add a men’s fashion and beauty playlist to the channel.”
I wasn’t joking, but the others just chuckled, completely missing how serious I was.
“Still, you’re young and handsome, so I think you’ll be fine. At your age, even a T-shirt and jeans look good.”
“Wow, Maria. That was such an old-person thing to say just now.”
“Let me off the hook. I’m over forty now, you know.”
“She’s right. Kids judge faces way more harshly.”
While I quietly offered a silent thank-you to the parents I couldn’t even remember, Cassandra sat up a little straighter, her face faintly flushed, and changed the subject again.
“Anyway, I have something to say too. I’m getting married soon!”
“Oh my goodness!”
“Whoa, for real? To Dimitri? When?!”
Greg and Maria were thoroughly stunned, but I already knew the news, so I just smiled faintly, thinking about how long she must have been dying to tell everyone.
“October thirty-first. Lemon Soup Pub holds a Halloween-themed party every year, and this time it’s going to be our wedding party. Just close friends and family—a wedding party.”
Maria clapped her hands, declaring it romantic.
“So you’re thinking of a small wedding.”
“Yes. I want a wedding that feels like a real party—just the closest friends and family gathered together to eat, drink, and have a blast.”
Cassandra stood up, brought over her tablet, and showed us the reference materials she had been collecting while she explained.
When she said Halloween theme, I had imagined skulls and spiderwebs everywhere, but it was nothing like that.
Soft orange lighting, cute little pumpkin decorations, and autumn flowers blended together into a muted backdrop that felt cozy and full of fall atmosphere.
“It has a unique feel.”
To someone who only knew weddings as pure white and cascading flowers, it looked refreshingly new.
“Right? And the guests can dress up a little fancy or over-the-top if they want. The kids can go all out and decorate themselves however they like, of course.”
“I see. Now that you put it that way, it does sound like a lot of fun.”
I could feel how much she wanted family and friends to simply gather and enjoy themselves.
Even Greg, who normally wouldn’t have cared, was listening with his ears perked up. After all, he and Rachel were planning to hold their own wedding next spring after having the baby.
Then Maria, who had been celebrating as if it were her own news, suddenly asked in a worried voice,
“But it’s almost September! There are only two months left—have you ordered your wedding dress? Those take months just to make, you know.”
Cassandra shrugged as if it were no big deal.
“It’s a Halloween theme, so I was just going to take something off the rack and add decorations here and there. It’ll be fine.”
“Ah, still…”
Maria seemed genuinely disappointed that Cassandra wouldn’t be wearing a proper dress.
Cassandra smiled lightly and comforted her instead.
“Honestly, wedding dresses are just too expensive. Spending thousands of dollars on something you wear once feels a little crazy.”
“Well, that’s true, but…”
“I’m really fine! Oh, but I did go around to some bridal shops just to get in the mood.”
Laughing, Cassandra showed us the photos of herself in the dresses.
I had thought wedding dresses only came in white, but the ones she had tried on were mostly pastel tones.
They weren’t the classic “wedding dress” I had imagined either. The glamorous evening-gown style of wedding dresses actually suited Cassandra perfectly.
In a way, they looked like dresses themed around an autumn goddess.
Looking at the photos, Maria still sounded wistful.
“They’re so pretty. It’s such a shame…”
“I’m going to try shopping for something as close as I can get. It won’t be exactly the same, but I’ll do my best.”
A faint note of regret colored Cassandra’s voice as she answered. Looking at the photos must have brought back the memory of trying them on.
I took her phone and flipped through the pictures with Greg before lifting my eyes from the screen.
“I think I’ve said something similar before.”
“Hm?”
I smiled a little as I handed the phone back with her photos still on the screen.
“I’ll make one for you, Cassandra.”
“Whaaat?!”
Their reactions were exactly the same as when I had first said I would try making pottery.
But this time, unlike before, their faces quickly lit up with joy and excitement.
“Really, Jun? Dresses take a huge amount of time to make…”
“Of course. Think of it as my wedding gift. Which dress did you like the most?”
At my question, Cassandra beamed and immediately showed me one of the dresses.
September arrived.
Cool breezes began blowing in the mornings and evenings, Luca started eating more, and Reni started singing kindergarten songs—it was autumn.
Today, as usual, Reni had drawn the things Luca was supposed to do while he was at kindergarten in his sketchbook and was busily explaining them while showing the pages to his little brother.
“Luca, look here? Like this, like this! Even if big brother’s at kindergarten, you can do it well by yourself, right? You just look at this and copy it, okay?”
“Uh-huh.”
Reni drawing some mysterious something and carefully explaining it to Luca was incredibly cute. Luca answering while staring at it was cute too.
Which meant it was about time for me to get moving. In this case, I could use a connection I never expected to have—a friend-of-a-friend card.
The kindergarten Reni would attend was the one attached to nearby Saint Mary’s Church.
Before visiting in person, I sent a DM to Ivy Taylor, who I had heard worked there, using the contact information we had exchanged before.
When I first met her at the publishing house, I had thought she might become Luca’s teacher someday. I never expected to meet her so soon as a parent and teacher.
I waited anxiously for a reply, but luckily Ivy answered cheerfully.
It was a simple greeting, but the huge emoji she sent along with it seemed to convey genuine delight.
After that I kept it brief and stuck to the point.
The child she had seen before had an older brother, and I wanted to send him to the kindergarten where she worked. Was there anything I needed to prepare separately?
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Diririring!
Alarms went off one after another. Every single reply came with a frantically moving emoji attached.
“….”
She had given off a rather cool impression, but maybe that wasn’t the real her?
Or maybe she had a completely separate kindergarten-teacher persona.
Either way, I jotted down a few notes from the string of messages that followed, then sent a thank-you. After a moment’s hesitation I added one of the basic emojis.
Then I told Reni that the day he would start kindergarten had been set.
Reni gave one big, firm nod and immediately began drawing something in his sketchbook with a serious expression I had never seen before.
On top of that, starting three days before he was due to go, Reni dragged every single piece of clothing he owned into the living room and started mixing and matching them this way and that.
“….”
What am I going to do if he grows up wanting to be a fashion designer?
I really want to object strongly, but I probably shouldn’t…
Every time one of Reni’s “looks of the day” was completed, I secretly fretted and fidgeted beside him without letting him notice.
The child was taking all the matching sets I had carefully prepared and rearranging them into clashing complementary colors. He couldn’t even know the concept of complementary colors, so how was he doing this?
…Would it really be okay to send him out dressed like that?
Or, looking at it another way, did he actually have his own style?
…Or not?
And then the long-awaited first day of school arrived.
While I knelt and held Reni tightly in my arms, Teacher Ivy spoke in a voice that sounded like she was holding back laughter.
“Dad, you’re going to have to let Reni go.”
“He might not be emotionally ready yet.”
“Reni looks perfectly ready to me.”
“Heehee.”
Reni looked up at his first teacher and beamed. Wait—does he like the teacher more than Dad already?
I swallowed the sense of betrayal and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.
“Reni, when kindergarten’s over later, Dad will come pick you up, so wait right here and don’t go anywhere, okay?”
“Yes!”
“And later you have to tell Dad everything you did at kindergarten today, alright?”
“Okay.”
“Eat well, and listen carefully to the teacher?”
“Yeees!”
Even as he answered so diligently, his eyes were already turned toward the classroom, so I had no choice but to let him go from my arms.
Reni waved at me and Luca, called out “Bye-bye,” and disappeared inside with the teacher.
Pride and a lonely ache crossed paths inside me. I soothed the lingering wistfulness and stood up, only for Luca to reach both hands toward me.
“Uwah.”
“Yeah, Luca. Big brother Reni went in for class. Does our Luca want to look too?”
“Uh-huh.”
I lifted Luca out of the stroller. Through the wide-open window I could see Reni sitting down at a desk.
“Big brother has a lot of friends, doesn’t he?”
“Uh-huh.”
Contrary to my worries, Reni didn’t look shy or stiff at all. With a bright face he chattered back and forth with the new desk partner he had just met that day, then turned sparkling eyes toward the teacher and focused on the lesson.
Maybe he got shy in front of unfamiliar adults but not in front of kids his own age. That was a relief.
After about five minutes of watching Reni blend into the class without any trouble, I left the kindergarten with Luca.