I Can't Become a NEET
The moment the World Tree vanished, the forest became rather pleasant to look at. With the parasite gone, the host had finally regained its health. Besides, the spirits’ very purpose for existing was to manage nature, or so they claimed. Once the long-oppressed spirits returned to their proper roles, the forest rapidly recovered its original beauty.
They drew water to parched ground on their own, cleared blocked wind paths, and turned over rotten soil. The dull leaves regained their vibrant green hue, and clear water once again gurgled through the dried-up streams. And right in the middle of it all was me.
“Hmm.”
I was sprawled out in dragon form on the prime spot where the World Tree had once stood—now a soft meadow of grass. Around me, noisy little motes of light swirled in dizzying circles.
“I told you to go away.”
I swatted at them. It was useless. The colorful little pests clung to my tail, climbed onto my horns, tickled the bridge of my nose, and giggled merrily. Once the spirits took full responsibility for forest maintenance, the elves no longer needed to haul water, till soil, or trim branches.
For elves who had spent their entire lives as the World Tree’s gardeners, breaking their backs with endless labor, this was the first time they had ever known leisure.
Elves were an intelligent species with long lifespans and outstanding physical abilities. So what happened when such a race was freed from manual labor and suddenly had an abundance of surplus time?
“…Studying?”
Beneath the shade of a tree, the former gardener—now self-proclaimed Blond Guardian—had gathered the other elves and was teaching them something. He drew geometric shapes on the ground with a sharply carved stick, explained the movement of constellations with hand gestures, and peeled bark to scribble densely on it.
Elsewhere, strapping male elves were building sophisticated pulleys to move logs, while another group wove vines into elegant wooden houses far superior to any crude human hut. All that magnificent potential had previously been poured entirely into polishing trees and spreading fertilizer.
Now, academia and the arts were exploding with development.
Then one day, I made a momentous decision.
“I should turn this forest into one of my colonies.”
The spirits handled infrastructure on their own, the elves developed on their own, and nature grew bountiful on its own. Leaving such prime real estate untouched would be foolish.
I transformed into my girl form and landed in front of the elves, who were deeply absorbed in building their civilization.
“From now on, this place is a Dragon Colony! You pointy-eared lot will have the eternal honor of serving as slaves in this body’s colony!”
I declared it with a smug flourish. Their reaction was… unexpected.
“Ooooh! The Divine Dragon has personally chosen our forest as her dwelling!”
“Our woods have become the sanctuary of the Divine Dragon!”
“How can we ever repay this honor?!”
Huh? Why did every single face look so radiant?
“Prepare a ritual to repay the benevolent Divine Dragon!” the Blond Guardian shouted, his voice thick with emotion.
A ritual to repay me? Excellent. They had finally developed proper slave awareness. They would surely offer heavy tribute and swear oaths while shedding tears of blood.
With that expectation, the first step of my colonial rule turned out to be…
“…What exactly are you doing right now?”
A massage.
The Blond Guardian approached gracefully, carrying a seashell filled with fragrant oil.
“It is a sacred ceremony to meticulously groom the beautiful Divine Dragon’s jade body.”
“Jade body? Groom? Why would colonial subjects do something like that to their conqueror—”
“Excuse me.”
His fingers slipped into my hair. Carefully, yet with perfect precision. They pressed and released exact pressure points on my scalp.
Press. Squeeze.
“……”
W-what is this?
“Your hair is like threads of silk. Even if one gathered all the sunlight in the forest to weave it, it could not be finer.”
A comb carved from wood gently brushed through my locks. Not a single tangle remained as it slid smoothly, smoothly.
“O beautiful Divine Dragon, could you tilt your head ever so slightly to the left?”
“…Like this?”
In a daze, I tilted my head about fifteen degrees.
“Perfect. The curve of your neckline at that exact angle is pure golden ratio. The ultimate form.”
Three elves surrounding me discussed with deadly serious expressions.
“Oh my, look at that luster! Each strand sparkles like a spiderweb glistening with morning dew!”
“I’ll bring more oil. The base of the horns seems slightly dry.”
“No, no. The Divine Dragon’s horns are perfect organic structures in themselves. Artificial scents might damage their divinity. Let’s use unscented camellia oil.”
Another elf came over to trim my nails. Yet another sat at my feet, rubbing fragrant oil into my horns. The spirits refused to be left out. A water spirit washed my feet with lukewarm droplets, while wind spirits gently fanned me.
“Mmm……”
My eyes half-closed on their own. Warm sunlight, cool breeze, the perfect pressure on my scalp, and the faint scent of sandalwood tickling my nose. My brain felt like it was melting into white nothingness.
No, no. Snap out of it.
This was colonial rule. This was a ritual of submission offered to a conqueror. Right?
“Say ‘ah’.”
“Ah—”
Crisp.
Something cool and sweet slipped into my mouth.
“How does it taste? This is a top-grade honey apple grown by the spirits on the south-facing hill with the best sunlight.”
“Mm, not bad.”
Nom nom nom.
…It was sweet.
Gulp.
“One more.”
“Hehe, here you are.”
Nom nom.
That’s right. These insane pointy-eared lunatics were pouring all their magnificent civilizational potential exclusively into ‘tending to me.’ While humans developed civilization to create weapons and expand territory, these elves had invented the Dragon Aesthetic just for me.
It was even worse in dragon form. When I lay in my true shape, elves would climb up using vines, carrying soft cloths and polishing agents in both hands.
Scrub, scrub.
They meticulously cleaned and polished each individual scale.
“These scales are exceptionally radiant!”
“No, the scales inside the wings are the very essence of pink!”
“The horns! Look at the horns! That creamy color with such glossy shine……”
The spirits brought mud and applied packs to my back. Top-grade loess personally selected by earth spirits, mixed with a special cosmetic infused with herbal essence.
“All the thousand-year-old impurities stuck between your scales will be completely removed.”
“……”
It felt good. Impossibly, undeniably good. The sensation of thousand-year-old grime being scrubbed away. Devotion. Utmost care. An all-organic, eco-friendly full-course treatment.
Grrrrr……
“Ah, the Divine Dragon is purring with satisfaction!”
“Let’s put even more effort in! The gloss on the tail scales is still lacking!”
Yes. More. More…… Wait.
…Isn’t this kind of wrong?
Suddenly my mind snapped back into focus. I was the fearsome Chaos Dragon Yumitas. The absolute and cruel tyrant dragon who would plunge the world into terror. So why was I currently…
Spending all day rolling around in a meadow. Getting my hair brushed, nails trimmed, scales polished, mud packs applied, and being hand-fed fruit.
“…This is dangerous.”
Cold sweat broke out. If things continued like this, what would happen? I’d get used to being served. I’d become too lazy to move. I’d stop hunting or flying. Eventually I’d get fat. I’d become an obese dragon whose only redeeming feature was shiny scales.
In the end…
“I’ll turn into a hopeless NEET dragon…!”
A chill ran down my spine. I broke out in goosebumps. The dragon who received cup ramen as tribute. The dragon who got beaten by the hero. The dragon who became a mount. And now a new entry would be added to that lineage of pathetic dragons.
A pet dragon who spends her whole life lazing around while getting headpats from elves!
No. Absolutely not. I had hatched from my egg with the solemn vow to end the lineage of pathetic dragons. And now I was going to pioneer a new category of pathetic behavior? That was just too miserable!
I decided to reclaim my dignity. Right this instant.
“Grrrrrr……”
I rose in dragon form and let out a low, threatening growl. I raised my scales, puffed out my neck, and bared my fangs. Tremble before me. Realize that this body is truly a fearsome existence.
“Oh dear, it seems the Divine Dragon is thirsty!”
The Blond Guardian clapped his hands in alarm.
“The rich sweetness of the honey apple she just ate must have made her throat dry! The Divine Dragon is expressing her thirst!”
“No, that’s not it. Look at my teeth.”
“Hurry! Have the ice spirits make ice immediately and bring the finest grape juice squeezed from hundred-year-old meru grapes! We must not let the Divine Dragon’s throat remain dry for even a single second!”
“As you command!”
More than ten elves dashed into the forest in perfect coordination. I could only stare with my mouth still hanging open.
This wasn’t what I wanted. Why did a dragon’s threat get misinterpreted as dry throat syndrome?
“O Divine Dragon, we fear for your jade body. Please hold this cool mint leaf in your mouth until the juice arrives.”
The Blond Guardian thrust an enormous mint leaf right under my nose. With a hollow feeling in my chest, I chewed it.
…It tasted like mint. Sharp and refreshing. The crispness seemed excellent for eliminating bad breath.
Before long, the elves came huffing back, carrying a wooden barrel the size of a grown man’s torso.
“Here, please drink.”
I stuck out my tongue and lapped at the juice.
“Gulp… gulp… Puha.”
The heavy sweetness and the crisp chill of ice slid refreshingly down my throat.
Grrrr—
“Ooooh! She roars with joy now that her thirst is quenched!”
“As expected of the chief’s judgment!”
The elves embraced each other, shedding tears of overwhelming emotion.
“Graaaawr! That’s not what I meant!”
It was hopeless. These guys were already completely broken. If I growled, it meant I was thirsty. If I scratched the ground with my claws, it meant I needed exercise. If I got frustrated and threw a tantrum, it meant something was stiff and sore.
No matter what, I couldn’t establish any tyrannical dignity.
“The only reason they’re putting in this much effort is because they’re terrified of this body’s anger. They’re desperately trying to please me because they’re afraid of being eaten if they slack off on their service. Yes, that must be it.”
The way they worshipped me was simply because I was too frightening. They were flattering their ruler to survive under harsh colonial rule. It absolutely had to be that!
I spent several more days desperately trying to convince myself of that mental victory. While I was feeling bored, the spirits began bringing news from the outside world. It seemed these little guys traveled the entire world riding on wind and water. They knew quite a lot.
Whoosh— The red spirit flickered excitedly.
“Hairless monkeys? Ah. You mean the humans.”
The hunting tribes had now become massive pastoral tribes, filling the plains with livestock. The gathering tribes had systematized something resembling magic, turning entire villages into magical communities that practiced crude spells. The shaman tribes had spread law and Hangul through pilgrim groups, and it was now spreading beyond the mountains and across the rivers.
“Hmm.”
I lifted my chin with great pride.
“My slaves are growing up so nicely.”
Even after I left, they hadn’t collapsed and were prospering on their own. As expected, this body’s teachings were magnificent.
…Well, I didn’t actually teach them anything specific. It just sort of happened. Yeah. It just sort of happened.
By the time I had grown quite accustomed to playing the role of colonial lord, one wind spirit began spinning frantically around me at high speed.
“What’s with all the fuss?”
The spirit pointed east. Far away, across an endless deep-blue sea, something was wriggling in the depths. A long body. Scales. Whiskers.
“There’s a dragon in the eastern sea?”
There was another dragon in this world besides me?