Even Dragons Have Privacy
It had been roughly a season since I’d taken up residence with the Shaman Tribe. Those lunatics had elevated the slave contract I’d carved for them into some kind of holy scripture, and the village was transforming before my eyes. Stone tablets inscribed with dense Hangul stood like obelisks throughout the settlement. Every time a human passed one, they bowed their heads in solemn reverence. Order. Stability. Prosperity. Words that made me want to yawn just hearing them.
“I’m bored to death.”
I was sprawled across the boulder that had been specially carved for Lord Yumitas when the commotion reached me.
“What did you say? That trap is mine!”
“Nonsense! The one I set upstream is clearly my trap!”
Ooh? My horns twitched upright.
Two burly men were squaring off in the middle of the plaza. It seemed to be a fight over a single fish trap. One had clenched his fist, while the other kept stealing glances at the harpoon leaning nearby.
‘……Jackpot!’
I shot to my feet. What was the most entertaining sight in the world? A roaring fire? Sure, that was nice. Blazing flames always filled my chest with grandeur. But there was something even more exhilarating: a good old-fashioned brawl. The raw, primal drama of one person winning while the other got utterly crushed.
“Grrrr……”
Insignificant humans, hurry up and bare your instincts. Grab each other by the collar and roll around in the dirt! Then this grand self would saunter over and deliver the perfect line.
‘Tsk tsk. This is the true nature of you insignificant bugs. Even the Dragon’s Law cannot conceal such vulgar barbarity!’
I had already rehearsed the dialogue and calculated the perfect timing. Come on. Hurry up and throw the first punch! Knock his jaw clean off!
“……”
My heart raced.
“…………”
I waited. But then—
“Law Article Three. ‘Those who lay hands on the dragon’s treasure shall die.’ You both remember this clause, yes?”
“Of course we remember it.”
“Then allow me to ask. To whom do the fish in the river rightfully belong?”
“They belong to the Divine Dragon, master of all creation.”
Why is this old fossil stating the obvious?
“Correct. The river, the fish, even the traps—everything is the Divine Dragon’s treasure. To fight over such things among brothers is to treat the Divine Dragon’s property with disrespect, is it not?”
“……Ah.”
Both men’s faces turned deathly pale.
“I-I never intended any blasphemy!”
“The markings on the trap have faded, so both claims have merit. Therefore, in accordance with the spirit of Law Article Four, divide the catch in half, select the finest fish among them, and offer it to the Divine Dragon together. Does this seem fair?”
“Indeed… if that is the law’s teaching!”
“Brother, I was momentarily blinded by greed and my thinking grew narrow. You may be right. Let us offer the best fish to the Divine Dragon together!”
“Ooh, brother!”
The two men embraced each other tightly.
“Why are they making up!”
They were supposed to fight! There was supposed to be blood! Where was that bone harpoon? The harpoon! You clearly glanced at it earlier!
The spark of conflict had been completely snuffed out beneath the Dragon’s Law. The more I thought about it, the more ridiculous it became. That law was a slave contract I’d created to plunge these humans into despair. How had it somehow turned into a tool for stopping fights, preventing theft, and calming disputes? Did it make any sense for the world to grow peaceful under laws laid down by an evil dragon?
To vent my frustration, I decided to take a walk around the village. I was kicking pebbles along the path when another irritating scene unfolded before me. Dozens of young men and women from the tribe were packing large bundles.
“Where do you lot think you’re going?”
I planted myself in front of them with my arms crossed. Were they attempting a nighttime escape because they could no longer endure my tyranny?
‘Please say yes.’
That would give me the perfect excuse to launch a reign of terror under the charge of ingratitude. A firestorm… no, this time I’d be merciful and use a waterstorm instead!
“Ooh, benevolent Divine Dragon. We are a pilgrimage party departing on the sacred command of the High Priest.”
“Pilgrimage?”
“Yes! We travel to spread the law and the sacred script personally bestowed by the Divine Dragon to the barbaric tribes beyond the mountains and the primitive hordes across the river!”
They were going to spread my law and Hangul across the entire world?
‘Is that even allowed?’
Could they just take the Hangul created by the great King Sejong and spread it around like it was some kind of rune script? Wouldn’t that get me copyright-striked?
“……Well. More slaves is always a good thing.”
If the tribes beyond the mountains and across the river all followed my law, it meant my slaves would multiply in every direction. In other words, an automatic slave-farming system was being born.
Yet a serious problem still remained.
The large tent standing tall in the center of the village—no, the place now called a temple. It was where I usually lounged around in human form.
“Mighty Divine Dragon!”
“Gah! Don’t just pop out like that!”
The green-haired shaman girl had burst out with her eyes gleaming wildly. At some point she had monopolized the interpretation of the law and script, seized the ridiculously grandiose title of “High Priest,” and begun using that authority to—
Scratch, scratch!
—record my every single movement on stone tablets.
“Hey. What are you writing now?”
“I am preserving the Divine Dragon’s sacred deeds for posterity without missing even a single moment. Today the Divine Dragon scratched his right flank three times with his left hand.”
“Is scratching my side a sacred deed now?!”
“When the Divine Dragon personally grooms his body, it is an act of maintaining the world’s balance. How could such a thing not be sacred?”
“I was just itchy!”
Scratch scratch scratch scratch!
She recorded everything—when I ate, when I groomed my horns, when I yawned. Even—
“What the hell is this?”
When I pointed at one of the tablets, the green-haired priestess answered proudly.
“It is the compilation of the world’s resonances.”
“Resonances?”
“Indeed. The Divine Dragon sounds the first resonance when the sun hangs upon the eastern peak, the second when it reaches the center of the sky, and the third when it tilts toward the west.”
“……”
“We offer tributes, divide labor, and set times of rest according to the hours when the heavenly mandate resonates. Thus, every routine in the tribe flows in harmony with the Divine Dragon.”
I felt blood rush to my face. These insane people had turned the gurgles from my stomach into a clock. Not a sundial, not a water clock—a dragon clock?
“Are you out of your minds?! Why are you using someone else’s bodily functions as a timepiece?!”
“Every time the Divine Dragon yawns, the seasons change. Every time the Divine Dragon tosses and turns, the stars shift position. It is our duty to record these sacred rhythms and pass them down to future generations.”
They were even talking about creating a calendar. They planned to measure how many days passed between my demands for lavish tributes and when I took naps, then use all of it as the basis for their calendar system.
“Even dragons have a right to privacy!”
I shouted at the top of my lungs, but—
“Privacy? Is that yet another form of profound oracle? When the sun tilts toward the west, the Divine Dragon strikes the rock with his tail, rebuking the laziness of insignificant creatures and correcting the discipline of the world……”
The priestess was already trying to record the word itself.
“I told you not to write that!”
I lunged forward, snatched the clay tablet from her hands, and hurled it to the ground.
Crash!
The tablet shattered into pieces. But the green-haired girl simply pulled another spare tablet from within her robes as if nothing had happened.
“Aah…… The Divine Dragon has personally shattered the old records, thereby proclaiming the dawn of a new era!!”
“Gyaaaaah!”
My head felt like it would explode. If I scratched my belly, the world’s balance was maintained. If I broke a clay tablet, a new era began. This wasn’t fear-based worship anymore—it was straight-up religious idol treatment!
“You’ve all contracted mass delusions!”
Some part of their brains had clearly suffered permanent damage. I could no longer endure this humiliation play where every little action of mine was preserved and then given some grandiose mythological meaning.
“Insignificant bugs, hear me!”
“Ooh, an oracle!”
“The Divine Dragon bestows teaching!”
Hundreds of people dropped to their knees in unison.
“This grand self acknowledges your loyalty and therefore bestows upon you a task.”
I thrust my horns high into the air.
“Construct a colossal temple worthy of serving this grand self! Let it be tall enough to pierce the heavens and magnificent enough to require carving out an entire mountain!”
“Oooooooh! A temple!”
“A sacred hall where the Divine Dragon shall reside!”
“Find the largest rocky mountain at once!”
The crowd cheered and scattered in a frenzy, grabbing pickaxes, hammering chisels, and twisting measuring cords in a whirlwind of activity.
“These irredeemable inferior lifeforms.”
Whoosh! I swelled my body and transformed into dragon form.
Kroararararara!
I spread my wings wide and shot into the sky.
“I shall not return until the temple is complete! Work diligently!”
I had zero intention of ever coming back, but there was no need to tell them that. The village grew smaller and smaller beneath me. Without a shred of regret, I pierced through the clouds and soared higher.
Haa…… Now I feel like I can actually live.
At least I wouldn’t have my stomach gurgles recorded anymore!
I thought it over carefully.
The hunting tribe had been too stupid to communicate with—pathetic creatures who turned wolves into dogs just to herd sheep. The gathering tribe had been too clever and exhausting; their questions about magic theory had nearly exposed all my shortcomings. And the shaman tribe… their delusions were so extreme they actually made me feel embarrassed. Those lunatics had used this grand self’s stomach gurgles to create a clock, for crying out loud.
Conclusion:
“The human race itself is fundamentally flawed.”
The problem was that all three groups were the same species. Different hair colors, but every single one of them was an expert at misunderstanding this grand self. If that was the case, the answer was simple.
I just needed to find a different race entirely.
Not humans—a more refined, quicker-witted, higher-class species that would know how to properly fear this grand self.
“The world is vast. Surely humans aren’t the only ones living in it.”
I began a leisurely tour of the world. Far away I saw a volcano where bright red lava bubbled and boiled.
“Looks hot. Pass.”
To the east stretched an endless deep-blue sea.
“The fish would probably taste good, but… swimming is a hassle.”
To the north lay an endless white snowfield buried under thick perpetual snow.
“I hate the cold with a passion.”
Nothing really caught my interest. After looking around, I finally decided.
“……Yeah. Let’s head to the forest first.”
At least there would be plenty of food. I turned my wings toward the lushest-looking forest.
The forest was far deeper and denser than I had imagined. Giant trees stood so thickly that even sunlight barely dared to intrude. I stopped flying and simply floated in midair.
In the very center of the forest, a single golden tree towered above all the others as if holding up the sky itself. Every leaf sparkled brilliantly, as though coated in real gold leaf.
“What’s with that tacky tree?”
No matter how much of a fantasy world this was, the gold plating seemed excessive. Intrigued, I descended lower. That was when I saw something moving between the trees—small, slender shadows.
“Humans?”
No. They were different. They moved with graceful, nimble leaps from branch to branch. Slender, elongated bodies. Elegant clothing woven from leaves and vines. And most decisively—
The ears. Long, sharply pointed ears protruding from the sides of their heads!
The race I had seen countless times in novels, comics, and games.
“……Elves!”
They were elves! Real pointy-eared elves!
My heart began to pound. I had finally found a race other than humans. And not just any race—elves. If they were elves, then—
Knowledge from my previous life unfolded like a rolodex in my mind. Elves had extremely long lifespans. And long lifespans meant—
“Premium slaves that can be used for a very long time!”
Once I tamed them as slaves, I wouldn’t need to replace them. I could work them efficiently for centuries!
“The cost-performance ratio is insane!”