Dream Job [Title: Old Maid Elf Countermeasures Manual Part 1] [Author: Eye of the Abyss]
Hello. We are the Eye of the Abyss, the organization observing anomalies related to old maid elves.
If you're reading this manual right now, it probably means you've gotten tangled up in one of those situations.
Unfortunately, the predicament you're in can't be resolved with ordinary methods.
However, if you thoroughly memorize this manual, you should at least avoid the worst-case scenario.
So please don't give up on your current situation—use this manual as a reference and find the optimal path to survival.
Good luck. Elf-Psycho One Group-
This Part 1 focuses mainly on initial responses when first encountering an old maid elf.
1. Distinguishing a regular elf from an old maid elf.
1-1
• Judge the elf's age by her appearance.
• Elves don't age easily, so if she looks over 30, she's an old maid elf.
• As long as you don't do anything stupid, she won't harm you.
• If you accidentally trigger her obsession, refer to section 3.
1-2
• If it's hard to guess her age for some reason, we strongly recommend avoiding her on the spot.
• They're expert con artists at hiding their age.
• Never ask her age.
• If you do that when you're alone with her, pray. That's the only struggle allowed to you.
……
……
2-2
• If she starts a conversation with you, stay as calm as possible. Avoid any words that might trigger her.
• If you're not confident, don't respond at all. She'll lose interest and leave soon.
• If she doesn't leave, close your eyes and count to 100 silently. She'll be gone by then.
• If she's still there, refer to section 3.
2-3
• If she doesn't leave, you're very likely already marked as a target.
• You have options.
• Flee far away from where you live to escape her.
• Or fight to break free from being her target. The choice is yours.
• We recommend fleeing if possible.
3. Stage 1 Response to Old Maid Elf.
3-0
• If you didn't flee, we assume you either can't or have chosen to fight her.
3-1
• Disguise yourself. Make her think you're not prey.
• This only works in the very early stages, so use it according to your situation.
• During conversation with the old maid elf, subtly drop hints that you're a married man.
• If she buys it, you'll be temporarily free. Get away before she realizes you're not married.
• She won't approach you again easily if she loses the target momentarily.
3-44
NEVER USE THE METHOD IN 3-1!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FOOL HER!!! IT WILL ONLY PROVOKE HER!!!!
3-2
• Section 3-44 does not exist.
• Ignore it if you see it. The text sometimes gets edited without permission.
……
……
9-4
• Rarely, there are irregular specimens genuinely looking for a marriage partner.
• She might approach saying she's even thinking of marrying you.
• But remember: your life is only one, and opportunities are limited.
• It could be her new hunting tactic. We don't recommend gambling.
• Whatever you choose is up to you. We hope you don't make a foolish decision.
This concludes the countermeasures for Stage 1: Dependency.
Check the next manual for Stage 2: Obsession.
I was wrong—
The manual's contents flashed through my mind like a montage, but nothing useful for my current situation.
"Why no answer? Soo-chan?"
I cracked open my squinted eyes just a slit.
Aisha's beautiful face was right in front of my nose.
It smelled like fresh flowers, but my instincts were screaming alarms.
Carnivorous plants lure bugs with sweet scents, right...?
Aaah... am I done for?
As she slowly closed in, I naturally backed up until I was pressed right against Elise's door.
No escape. Aisha loomed over me like an alien scanning prey, shoving her face in mine.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight.
"Answer."
"Uh... well... I've been... busy lately..."
"Oh? Is that so?"
Even I knew that was a lame excuse.
Unable to meet Aisha's eyes, I hung my head.
"I haven't done anything wrong, so why do men keep avoiding me...? Do you know, Soo-chan?"
...Does she really not know? Or is this a bluff?
Recall the manual.
One life. One chance.
"...Aisha, that's..."
"You should call me 'sis' Aisha."
She cut me off with a beaming smile—but her eyes weren't smiling at all.
Cold sweat dripped down.
If I got dragged into her pace, it was over.
Was head-on confrontation my only option left?
Phew... yeah... this way I'll just get played to death.
I overcame my inner fear and opened my mouth.
"Aisha sis, I—Guhk!!!"
Clang—
The moment I spoke, Elise's door flew open hard, slamming into my back.
The impact sent me tumbling forward, my arms flailing for balance and ending up wrapped tightly around Aisha.
"......"
"......"
My back throbbed, but I couldn't move recklessly now.
I'm fucked...
I'd committed the absolute worst trigger from the manual—the one you must never do.
A brief silence fell, and for some reason, Aisha's face started flushing red.
Then Elise's voice came from behind.
"Professor Aisha. That guy's got prior plans with me. Mind if I take him?"
"Uh...? Oh, sure... go ahead..."
Leaving the dazed Aisha behind, Elise dragged me out to the street.
*
"Eliseeee—!!!!! I was so scared!!!!!"
I clung to my savior.
"Get off, you idiot—!!"
She grimaced, grabbing my face as I tried to hug her in explosive gratitude and shoving me away.
"I'll hug you for sure, you punk—!!"
"Aaaah!! Gross, get lost—!!!!"
We tussled for a while before separating.
"Elise... thanks, really..."
"Yeah, enough already..."
"Not that... I heard. That procedure you did on me was actually super dangerous for you too."
She was wrong to do it without consent, sure... but she'd shouldered all the risks she could.
"Oh... that. Whatever... Kinda hard to say it myself, but I'm a genius, so it wasn't a big deal."
"Really...? Oh, and about the scooter—"
As I tried to apologize for the previous incident, she clamped my mouth shut with her hand.
"Bring that up one more time? I'll tie you up and do the same to you. Better forget it happened."
"Got it..."
Doing the same to me might be an industry reward for some folks... but Elise's scary expression made me shut up.
"Anyway, you didn't come teach me magic after that day, so I thought you'd ghosted me. What's up with that, Elise?"
"Th-that's... it takes time for the mana circuits to adapt to your body, so I deliberately stayed away!"
Sounds fake...
"Hmmm... really?"
"Anyway!! I'll teach you magic again now, so follow along properly!!"
As I kept eyeing her suspiciously, Elise glanced away and quietly spoke.
"...Get me... park tickets..."
Elise, I love how transparent you are.
*
Laborer Roman headed to his new workplace assigned by the Dungeon Manpower Agency.
He was in high spirits right now.
Because his destination was the newly established Orchard Management Office!
"To think I'd get to work at the orchard...!"
The hottest topic in the Shelter right now—one of them, anyway!
The gallery even called it a dream job.
"Heh heh..."
He might even taste fruit faster than anyone.
Buzzing with excitement, he arrived at the Orchard Management Office and filled out forms as guided by the staff.
"All confirmed, Mr. Roman. You're assigned to Orchard Channel 3. Head inside for detailed work instructions."
Following the staff, he entered a crowded area where people like him chatted eagerly.
"Never thought it'd be the orchard instead of the salt flats or park!"
"Right? Park's nice, but orchard benefits are better right now."
Benefits.
Employee perks, basically.
If true, the orchard was hands-down the best job currently.
Salt flat workers sometimes got salt as perks.
So orchard workers might get fruit...?
That's what Roman was hoping for.
"Ugh... so exciting..."
Working under the sun was blessing enough, but fruit too?
As he scanned the vibe, thrilled, a management staffer stepped out to guide them.
"Everyone, please use your assigned tickets and enter from the front row in order."
"Ooh!!"
"Finally...!!"
Rip—
The tickets tore with a sound, and the management office interior lit up brightly.
*
A beautiful orchard basking in sunlight.
His dream workplace from now on.
Just follow staff instructions for task assignment.
But Roman couldn't hear the work briefing from the on-site staff.
Because something unimaginable was right in front of him.
What the hell was that?
Mouth agape, he stared blankly.
Wh-what is... this...?
Probably everyone else new here thought the same.
"What... is that...?"
"What did the Dungeon Master even make...!!"
"Ha... fucking Dungeon Hwang..."
"...Why are slimes growing on the trees...?"