Longing
I felt the strength drain clean out of me. Myeongsuk shifted to other topics for a while, then left the room as if nothing at all had happened. A short time later Yunchae and Jeongmi tried to come in, but I asked for an hour alone to think. I sat with the tea Jeongmi had brought and sank deep into my thoughts.
Honestly, Minhwa had been exactly the kind of woman I'd expected, so I'd taken her at face value. There was something so pure and one-dimensional about her that I'd figured she was a woman who'd never really known how the world worked. I'd written her off as someone who'd blindly fallen for this ridiculous doctrine—which was why, I told myself, she'd come over so easily the day before. But there was more to it than that. Behind everything stood Myeongsuk.
Every single thing Myeongsuk did had intention behind it. If I wanted to put it more darkly, I even started wondering whether the entire affair wasn't her scheme, her operation. When I thought about it, Cheonsiman-gyo itself had come into being because of her, and the scale we'd reached now was ultimately her doing. Who the hell was Myeongsuk? Was I nothing more than her puppet, dancing on her strings? Just another chess piece she would use and discard? What made those suspicions dig deeper was her tattoo—and Jeongmi.
My head began to ache. All this time I'd been standing one step back, simply following wherever they led. And with Myeongsuk and Jeongmi's full-body advances and the endless praise that never left their lips, I'd started believing I really was some born savior, blinding myself to reality until I reached this point. Myeongsuk, who had so thoroughly hidden her true self and her past from all of us, was beginning to frighten me, little by little.
The next day, while Jeongmi was out, I looked around the annex under construction with Yunchae, then pretended to take a walk and headed for a quiet stretch of riverbank where no one else was around. When I spotted a small bench we sat side by side, watching the water, and I finally spoke.
"What do you make of the situation right now, Yunchae?"
She looked startled by the sudden topic.
"Pardon?"
The night before I'd done a lot of thinking. Doubts had started creeping in about how Myeongsuk really regarded me—about whether she meant to use me. I'd even begun to wonder if Jeongmi was part of that plan, and whether the two of them were truly aunt and niece. I felt stifled. I wanted to talk to someone about it. I'd texted Yongjin, but he was in Busan on business and wouldn't be back for a few days.
Then it struck me: every time Myeongsuk mentioned Yunchae, she called her "that shaman bitch." That could be proof she didn't care for Yunchae much. In other words, Yunchae was the last person who would ever scheme with Myeongsuk. That was why I'd engineered this conversation with her.
"What is this about?"
I shook my head.
"There's no one else here. Just talk like we used to at school."
Yunchae stared at me for a moment, then said,
"Even so, Jisin-nim is..."
I waved a hand. But her unchanging demeanor made me think I should give up on the relationship we'd once had.
"What's troubling you?"
I looked at her.
"It's not exactly a worry... I just keep wondering whether we're doing the right thing."
Yunchae blinked her large eyes.
"It looks like we're doing well. The congregation keeps growing, and the offerings are pouring in..."
"We expand the flock and build the sect's power—but what do we actually gain from it?"
"Pardon?"
I decided this wasn't going to work.
"I'll be blunt. What do you think of Myeongsuk?"
Yunchae still looked completely lost.
"She's the one putting the most effort into expanding our congregation."
I nodded.
"Right. Like I said once before—do you really think Myeongsuk is only after the money that comes out of this place?"
Yunchae couldn't answer. She seemed to have finally grasped what I was driving at.
"Are you suspicious of Myeongsuk-ssi? Did something happen?"
I wanted to be honest. At least with Yunchae.
"Yeah. I've started thinking Myeongsuk didn't start all this just because she needed money. So I've been wondering what her real goal is—and what kind of damage you or I might take because of it."
Yunchae took my hand.
"It isn't as if the thought never crossed my mind either. Myeongsuk-ssi has always been completely opaque. I even tried asking my body spirit once. But the spirit doesn't answer me anymore."
I reached out with my other hand and held both of hers.
"So I decided to stop overthinking it. Even if she weren't here, even if none of this had happened, I would still have stayed by your side, Jisin-nim. You're the one my body spirit chose. I believe that. Nothing bad is going to happen."
I wondered if this woman was simply mad in a different way. She looked so completely immersed in shamanism that I could hardly believe she'd ever been the person fighting her own destiny just to escape her body spirit.
"One thing is certain... I will always be at your side, Jisin-nim."
It was a comforting thing to hear, but it couldn't smooth everything over.
"Yunchae... do you like me?"
She thought for a moment, then opened her mouth.
"I think I've told you before that feelings between human and human don't matter. Being by your side isn't that kind of thing."
That settled it. Any more rational conversation was impossible. The only conclusion I could draw was that Yunchae was someone Myeongsuk could never control. My frustration hadn't eased at all; all I'd gained was the certainty that she would never betray me for spiritual reasons.
A longing for Minhwa began to take root. I wanted her beside me. Whatever Myeongsuk's intentions, for now I had no choice but to trust her. I danced around the request, telling Myeongsuk I wanted Minhwa near me, but she saw through me at once.
"Once you start looking at Minhwa-ssi as a woman, she's hard to resist. If you want her at your side, Jisin-nim, then do it. Just wait until I've taken steps so her husband can't find any fault with her—then I'll send her over."
Again... I still couldn't tell whether I should trust this woman or not, but the longing for Minhwa was strong enough to smother those second thoughts.
The next morning Minhwa came looking for me. Yunchae and Jeongmi gave us the room; the moment they left, Minhwa pulled me into her arms and kissed me.
"I missed you. Ever since that day I haven't been able to think of anything but you, Jisin-nim."
Naked, Minhwa hurriedly stripped off my robe. I had missed her just as fiercely, so I scooped her up and took her straight to the bed. Watching her smile so brightly with my cock in her mouth, I noticed the choker around her neck. I stroked her cheek and said,
"You've been wearing this the whole time?"
With me still in her mouth she nodded.
"Doesn't your husband say anything?"
She pulled off with a wet pop and answered.
"We've had separate rooms for a long time. There are plenty of nights he doesn't come home at all. Ever since I gave birth to our child we almost never sleep together. I can count the meals we've shared on one hand."
I had nothing to say. Minhwa smiled with pure innocence.
"It's actually more comfortable this way. And thanks to that I can be here with you, Jisin-nim."
I decided not to press further; her family situation was her pain, not mine to pry into. That day Minhwa and I spent the whole day together. After several rounds of sex, Yunchae and Jeongmi joined us. The three women and I lay naked talking the hours away. Even when I couldn't hold back my desire and ran my hands over Minhwa's body, Yunchae's face stayed blank while Jeongmi wore a devilish smile.
We ate together and walked together. The four of us spent the entire day as one, and only late in the evening did Minhwa stand up, saying she had to go home. I followed her into the preparation room while she got dressed.
Minhwa picked up the underwear she'd set aside and put it on. I didn't know much about other women, but the lingerie she wore looked extremely expensive. Once she had her panties and bra on she nestled against me again, kissing me.
"I don't want to go. I hate leaving."
She looked at me for a long moment, then said,
"I'd like to invite you to my house—would that be all right? Being all together here is nice, but I want time with just the two of us."
I was more than happy to accept.
"But you've got a kid at home, and a husband too."
Minhwa smiled faintly.
"I'll watch for an opening and let you know. When I tell you the chance has come, you have to promise you won't refuse—you have to come."