Minhwa's Sanctuary
Minhwa talked about herself with real enthusiasm — the kind of living complaints women share when they sit down together. Those stories seemed to have been knotting themselves up inside her for a long time, which was also proof that she had no friend around her with whom she could truly open her heart.
"What does your husband do?"
Minhwa's face darkened at once. Yes. Of course. There was clearly trouble between husband and wife.
"My husband is a lawyer. He's ten years older than me. He's always so busy with work that we've grown distant for quite some time now."
It was a common situation I had met over and over in books. Ever since I started this religious work I had read a great many such volumes, because so many of the people who came to our gatherings were middle-aged women, and I needed to look into their psychology, their worries, their realities. And yet this woman, who was not even middle-aged, was already living through every one of those cases.
In particular, a husband who earned well would already have grown tired of married life, and at his age would be looking for sexual stimulation outside the home. Meanwhile his vigorous thirty-five-year-old wife would be filling up with sexual frustration, yet the compulsion for refined living drilled into her from childhood would keep her from any casual affair. I felt I now understood everything about this woman. It was only theory from books, of course, but conviction was settling in.
I kept my own words to a minimum and tried simply to listen. Minhwa talked more and more, laying out complaint after complaint. Unpleasant things at the parent association, someone who had said nasty things to her at a school meeting… Story followed story by the tail. What this woman needed right now was not advice that would nourish her — she needed someone who would hear her. Words she could not speak to just anyone because of the carefully built image she had made for herself seemed to work as an exception when spoken to a figure as special as a cult leader. At least for her own sake.
After nearly an hour of continuous talking, Minhwa let out a long sigh. I rose from the bed, brought a glass of water, and handed it to her. She drank and smiled at me. When I sat down beside her again she smiled lightly and said,
"It's been a long time since I've poured out what was inside me like this."
I took her hand.
"Our goal is to give rest to people's hearts. And I believe the path we take to reach it does not matter. I feel you may be living this world too tightly — whether by your own will or someone else's."
The smile on Minhwa's face slowly faded. I went on.
"I know you are suffering from loneliness. Because financial abundance and social reputation wrap around you, you feel lonely inside those thick walls. People only say nice things to you; they never truly stand with you. You keep a social life through your child, but still no one around you has been able to hold you warmly."
Minhwa's expression shifted a little. I had the sense that what I was saying was landing. I continued.
"Your husband doesn't hold you either, does he? The time when you could have that kind of talk with him seems long past…"
Minhwa looked as if she were wondering how I knew. After she had just told me everything herself…
"What you need is a sense of belonging, I think. If you become happier and freer, and work hard for Cheonsiman-gyo, it will be good for our order, your home will find peace, and the work you do will improve as well."
Minhwa took the hand I was holding with her other hand. She held my hand in both of hers and stared at me in silence.
"I want to make you feel that you are not alone — that you are with someone."
Minhwa's face crumpled. She was on the verge of tears.
"We will always be the people at your side. When you are lonely or struggling, we will be your warm fence."
Minhwa smiled at the corners of her mouth and nodded. Her eyes were glistening, but she did not cry. In a trembling voice she said,
"But it's so hard to see you, Jisin. I've asked Go Seonja many times, but she always says Jisin doesn't belong to just one person…"
So that was it. Myeongsuk had been blocking people from approaching me. It was not as if I was especially busy or overloaded with work. My daily routine was lounging around playing games and fooling around with Jeongmi and Yunchae. But if people could reach me too easily, the scarcity value of our order would drop — that was her thinking. Then I ought to match her pace as well.
"Even without meeting me, you can warm your heart by reading our scriptures or meditating."
Disappointment filled Minhwa's face. My resolve weakened again. And I did not want to send this beautiful woman away just like that. I was not a real cult leader — I was an ordinary man. How could I simply send off a naked woman this beautiful, her heart already crumbling? After hesitating, I spoke in a small voice.
"If you can open your heart to us a little more…"
Minhwa squeezed my hand tightly.
"Yes… I'll do anything."
I hadn't finished yet… I paused a moment, then continued.
"There is a way for you to come a little closer to us…"
Minhwa spoke again.
"What is it? I'll do anything."
I looked hard at her face. She was truly beautiful. Though she was older than me, she had a beauty with a childlike purity. She felt like a pure white woman who had lived a carefully refined life. I wanted her. At the same time I thought: her heart must already be leaning toward us, if she would come to me naked like this and talk.
"Would you become one of my Jiseonnyeo?"
The woman went blank. A jolt of regret hit me. Had my private desire ruined things? Had I wrecked the setup Go Myeongsuk had carefully built? If this woman ran out thinking what kind of man is this, it would not end with her alone. There would certainly be rumors, and they would reach the other believers. I would end up just another filthy cult leader. As I clenched my teeth and hid my expression, she spoke.
"Can a woman like me even do that? I'm older, too."
Surely Yunchae and Jeongmi were in her head — she would have seen the young women around me. This was my chance. I slowly stood, picked up the choker Jeongmi had left, and sat in front of her. I opened the box and took out the choker.
"It is entirely your choice. If you are willing, I want to keep you at my side and care for you."
The woman looked at the choker for a moment, then gathered her long hair back and offered her neck to me. With a pounding heart I fastened the choker around her throat. Lowering her hair, Minhwa said,
"It's an honor. I feel I've finally found a place for my heart."
I smiled and nodded.
"Yes. You are not alone anymore. Don't forget that you have a solid ally."
Minhwa smiled softly. She was so beautiful. Once again I lost my self-control. I brought my face close to hers as she looked at me. Minhwa gently closed her eyes. I pressed my lips to hers. Was there another pair of lips this soft in the world? When I pulled away and kissed her again, her mouth opened. I felt the inside of her lips — moist and soft.
Without thinking I lightly put out my tongue against the inside of her lips. I felt the inside of her mouth and her teeth. Between her teeth her tongue gently emerged and met mine. The moment our tongues touched, I took that as a signal and drew her tongue into my mouth, and our mouths fully overlapped.
I raised my hand to her cheek, and that hand slowly descended to her breast. This time Minhwa sucked my tongue in. Then very carefully she licked it. I gently cupped her breast. She did not pull away. My hand felt the elasticity of her breast. The size was smaller than Yunchae's and less firm, but still above average, filling my palm. I was reminded again of how magnificent Yunchae's body was.
Whether from childbirth or simply how she was made, Minhwa's nipples were larger than other women's. But not unpleasantly so. Because her breasts were large, the nipples did not look relatively oversized. While kissing, my hand that had been kneading her breast slid down along her fantastic waistline. The secret of Minhwa's S-curve seemed to be the size of her hips. Feeling her pelvis by touch, it seemed larger than it looked. My hand followed her hip around to her buttocks.