Cleaning Up the Mess
"What the hell....!"
After watching the VOD all the way through to the end, my head was packed with nothing but a single thought: I'm so fucked.
If I had to sum up everything I had done while completely blacked out in three words, they would be: Chaos, Destruction, and Oblivion.
Chaos — declaring myself a man and plunging the viewers into pure confusion, plus rolling soju-soaked rice into a ball, adding jerky, and eating the whole thing.
Destruction — spewing absolute insanity at the convenience store part-timer who called me and annihilating that human relationship.
Oblivion — doing all of that and then forgetting every last bit of it.
"Haha... hahahaha...! How the hell am I supposed to stream after this?!"
No, no. Think positive.
Thanks to this disaster, today's stream topic was already decided: an apology broadcast.
Total lucky streak...!
"I should get the green screen ready and dig out a suit... wait, no. First I have to call that convenience store part-timer and apologize properly."
Whether she would even accept the apology was anyone's guess, but I had no choice but to try.
I steeled myself, unlocked my phone, and scrolled through the call history.
Right at the top sat a record of a call with someone named Lee Jiyeon — a name I had never seen before.
"Even blackout-drunk, I still managed to save the name cleanly. What the hell is wrong with me?"
I hesitated for a moment before dialing.
There was a real chance she had already blocked me. Or maybe she would pick up and immediately rain down a storm of curses, calling me a complete lunatic.
"Still... I've got no choice but to call!"
With the same dread as snipping the red wire on a ticking bomb, I hit the call button.
While the ringtone trilled in my ear, I could barely breathe.
Click.
Sh-she answered.
"H-hello?"
I waited, heart in my throat, for whatever was about to come.
"Yees... hellooo."
Instead of the cold scolding I expected, a warm greeting floated out of the speaker.
Wait... was she actually going to accept the apology?
"Um... Miss Lee Jiyeon, I am truly, genuinely sorry. I completely lost my mind after drinking. I am so, so sorry."
"No, no. I'm the one who should apologize for calling you while you were streaming. It's all my fault."
"You did nothing wrong by calling, Miss Jiyeon. Everything was my fault. If words aren't enough, I'm fully prepared to lose a ring finger or a pinky, so feel free to cut them off—"
"It's okay, words are more than enough! Please don't cut off any fingers...! And actually... it was a little nice, too..."
"Pardon?"
A little nice?
What did that even mean?
"You know... that kind of fantasy where a boyfriend tells his girlfriend, 'You're just my sex-drive disposal tool.'"
"I... I'm sorry?"
"When I thought back on it, my heart even fluttered a little... It really felt like I was on the phone with someone straight out of a fantasy. A boyfriend who treats his girlfriend like a living onahole and just keeps going endlessly...!"
"... ..."
What... was this?
Some advanced form of reverse-roasting?
I forced the half-shattered millstone of my brain to turn under the shock.
This was a world where the male-to-female ratio was 1:30 and desperately needed normalizing. So when people fantasized about men, of course characters like that would pop up.
In a weird way, it almost made sense....
While I sat frozen, unable to form a single reply, a short little "Ah." of realization slipped through the speaker.
"Uwaaaaah...! I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry...! I went and said something weird again. I really need to fix this habit... Please forget everything I just said. 'You will forget the words I just spoke~! One, two, three, Red Sun!' Did you forget?"
Her inner thoughts had clearly spilled straight out of her mouth.
Compared to what I had done, though, it was pure cuteness, so I had zero right to judge.
"Did you forget? Or did you not forget? Please answer quickly...!"
"I forgot."
"Phew~ Thank goodness. I almost let you see my embarrassing side. Of course it's already plastered all over my streams and the wiki, but still."
Judging that the hypnosis had actually worked, Lee Jiyeon let out a relieved sigh.
That pure crystallization of otaku delusion looked... kind of cute.
It would be nice if we could get along.
While I was having that ridiculous thought, she asked me something.
"Um... would it be o-okay if I asked you just two questions? Not counting this one, only two more from now on.... If you don't want to, you can refuse."
"Questions are fine. Ask as many as you like."
"Th-then...."
She fell silent, dragging out the pause right up until the moment I was about to urge her on, then carefully posed the question.
"Sooo... Kim Minseo, you're a streamer, right? Did you already realize I was a Vtuber?"
"Wait... what? Miss Lee Jiyeon, you're a Vtuber?! Please tell me I didn't cause any streaming-related damage or anything like that?"
"D-damage? Not at all! You didn't cause me any harm. Even though my real name got out because you were on speakerphone.... that was my fault for calling in the middle of the night..."
Her real name got out because of me?
And not just any streamer — a Vtuber, where roleplay is alpha and omega?!
"May I ask what your Vtuber name is?"
"I'm the Vtuber 'Haruna'.... but I only make boring, useless videos, so please don't go looking me up..."
"Found it...!"
Something that sounded like "Kyaaaaak—!" or "Hiiiieeek, that's mean!" came out of the phone speaker, but with my eyes glued to the computer screen, I didn't hear a thing.
Haruna
Followers: 239,000
A major agency....
A nobody like me — a bottom-feeder like me — had just doxxed a major Vtuber's real name last night?
Cold sweat rolled down my spine.
"Miss Lee Jiyeon... no, Miss Lee Jiyeon-nim! I have overstepped far beyond my station. To think I tried to settle something this grave with mere fingers.
A beast who dared reveal a major Vtuber's real name has no right to exist in this world. Therefore, I shall commit seppuku during today's stream."
"S-seppuku?!"
"I humbly request that Miss Haruna, the major Vtuber with 239,000 followers, drop by to witness me slicing open my belly and extract all the content value she can."
"If you do something like that, both of our accounts will get banned! Yes, my real name got out, but my viewers are reacting positively, so I think it's fine. I honestly don't mind either."
"When a Vtuber's real name is revealed, the entire RP they've built collapses, and fans can leave, right?"
If I were in her shoes, I would have told the other person that seppuku wasn't nearly enough and demanded they be torn limb from limb like dried squid.
"Even if a few viewers leave... I d-don't want to lose Kim Minseo."
"What could a nobody like me possibly have that's worth looking at..."
"Y-yo-you're...."
"Yes?"
"You're so handsome...!! Even though you're that good-looking, you still talk so politely. I want to stay by your side and protect you forever. Haa... haa...!! I'm so turned on I can't take it!"
"It seems your bad habit is flaring up again."
"Ah..."
Taking that short gasp as my cue, I yanked the phone away from my ear.
Immediately afterward, a mix of "I'm soooorry!" and "Hueeeeng...!" burst out of the speaker in roughly a two-to-one ratio.
"Are you finished?"
"I really need to fix this habit somehow."
"Agreed. So what's the remaining question?"
"Well... so... now Kim Minseo is my friend, right?"
"Pardon? Friend?"
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry...! Someone like me had the nerve to call Kim Minseo a friend. I have no words. I'm so sorryyy."
"No, no. Honestly, I was thinking I'd like to be friends with you, Miss Jiyeon. But after the huge mistake I made yesterday, I figured friendship was over before it even started."
"Aaaah... thank goodness, thank goodness. Kim Minseo thinks of me as a friend. It's not over yet. Kim Minseo is so kind."
"Your inner monologue is leaking again."
"S-so the question I really wanted to ask is..."
She changed the subject so blatantly that even she seemed embarrassed; her voice trembled.
"Since Kim Minseo is a man... does that mean you're becoming my 'boyfriend'? Hehe..."
Where was I even supposed to start correcting this?
I genuinely had no idea where to begin.
"Among the mistakes I made while drunk yesterday was declaring myself a 'man.' That was obviously complete nonsense. Please never believe a word that comes out of a drunk person's mouth."
"Th-that can't be?!"
"And even if a man becomes your friend, calling him 'boyfriend' isn't the proper term. Normally you insert an extra word and say 'male person-friend,' or just 'guy friend' for short."
"Thank you... I've never had friends, male or female, so I didn't know what to call them."
"I think that covers all the questions. I need to go prepare for the apology stream now, so I'll hang up. I plan to never touch alcohol again, so feel free to call me anytime."
"Ah, okay okay. I'll definitely be watching the stream."
After the call ended, Lee Jiyeon murmured quietly to herself.
"Kim Minseo... you're even hotter when you're drunk..."