The First "Make Padak Laugh" Contest

After the great disaster at sea, an awkward tension lingered between us. Lee Sieun sat in the passenger seat with her arms crossed, staring blankly out the window, while I kept clearing my throat and fixing my eyes on the steering wheel. The moment to make excuses had long passed. Still, we couldn't let the atmosphere stay like this forever.

"Ahem! So... where should ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠we go for the fire?"

At my cautious question, Lee Sieun glanced at me ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠and answered briefly.

"The glamping site marked on the navigation. They've got a huge fire pit there."

"Okay. And... I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"Just... I feel like I should apologize."

"...Fine. And I'm sorry too. As a guy, I should've been able to handle seeing that, but actually witnessing it with my own eyes left me a bit... flustered, I guess."

We arrived at the glamping site and settled in front of a massive fire pit piled high with firewood. Lee Sieun sat on a corner bench, scrolling through her phone, while I sat cross-legged in front of the roaring flames.

"Hoo..."

I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing. Just as she'd advised, just like the tips the spirit mages left on YouTube. I focused every sense except sight on the fire before me. At first, nothing happened. Or rather, all I felt was the intense heat and the acrid smoke that stung my lungs.

But after about ten minutes...

"Huh?"

Even with my eyes closed, my vision began to tint red. The heat that had been pressing against my cheeks softened into something gentle and warm, like a cat curled up beside a stove. I thought it was just my imagination... but it wasn't. The crackling of the burning wood sounded like someone whispering to me. Without thinking, I reached out my hand.

A single tongue of flame wavered in the pit, then slithered out like a living snake and lightly coiled around my fingers. Far from burning, it only tickled my skin with a pleasant warmth. When I inhaled, the fire flared up; when I exhaled, it calmed down. It felt like my energy and the flames had synchronized perfectly. An absurd level of control.

"Holy crap. Am I the Fire Spirit King or something?"

The moment I muttered to myself and opened my eyes, the flame wrapped around my finger flinched and darted back into the pit.

"You've definitely got talent. I couldn't even last ten minutes before the heat got to me."

"Does this mean I should look into fire-related martial arts or magic later?"

Buoyed by my incredible results with fire, I confidently headed to our next destination: Daegwallyeong.

I've already learned the Blue Wave Breathing Technique and set a new record on the ninth floor with wind magic. Wind should be a breeze.

I stood boldly before the fierce, blade-like winds sweeping down the mountain ridge. Spreading my arms wide and closing my eyes, I shouted, expecting some grand praise from nature itself.

"Come on, blow! Whisper to me!"

Whoosh—

"......"

Ten minutes passed. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It seemed completely separate from the precise mana control I used when casting wind magic. The mountain winds of Gangwon Province were simply freezing, and the only thing dominating my brain was the physiological pain of my ears feeling like they might fall off. Just in case, I endured another thirty minutes, but all I gained were a runny nose and a chattering jaw.

"Aigoo, look at your red nose. Just get in the car. I'll go grab something."

Lee Sieun clicked her tongue and trudged down the hill toward the store. As I watched her retreating figure for a moment, I turned my head and stared at the patchy grass and dirt ground. After tasting the sweet success with fire, I couldn't just half-heartedly finish the quest. The last remaining element: the energy of the earth. The very thing that Lazy Padak had supposedly felt—the heartbeat of the planet.

If that lazy Padak could do it, there's no reason I can't.

The thought was brief. I immediately dropped to the ground and pressed my ear to the dirt. It was just cold, hard earth. I even tapped it with my palm. My hand only hurt.

What the hell... What's the problem? How do those elf bastards commune with nature anyway?

Frustrated, I smacked the ground a few more times when a ridiculously primal idea struck me.

Don't tell me... "communing" literally means perfect physical contact? Have I been approaching this too superficially?

A plausible bit of nonsense philosophy—that achieving oneness with nature required going beyond sight, hearing, and touch into a gustatory union—briefly paralyzed my reason. And once again, the thought was brief. After confirming no one was around, I flung my coat aside and pressed myself flat against the ground. Then, slowly lowering my head, I stuck out my tongue and touched the frost-dusted dirt.

A gritty grain of sand and an unidentified bitter taste assaulted the tip of my tongue.

Ugh, so bitter... Wait, hold on. Within this bitterness... the grandeur of the earth...!

Just as I was about to extend my tongue for another taste of the land, I heard a rustle behind me. I froze with my tongue still sticking out. Slowly, very slowly, I raised my eyes.

Lee Sieun stood there holding two steaming hot dogs, staring down at me with a blank expression. Her gaze was fixed precisely on the tip of my tongue pressed ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠against the dirt.

"......"

"......"

Silence. Only the sharp mountain wind swept past us. With a mouthful of dirt I could neither swallow nor spit out, I could only open and close my lips. Lee Sieun did the same for a few moments before letting out a deep sigh mixed with resignation and pity.

"...Right. I get it. A hundred times over. Getting caught looking at elf girl nudes must've been stressful. Everyone has moments when they lose it."

She shook her head and turned away, hot dogs still in hand, walking off with quick, careful steps—like someone avoiding eye contact with a madman on the street.

"Ah, no! Wait! It's not like that!"

Panicked, I shot up from the ground. Spitting out the gritty dirt, I chased after her.

"Hey! Just listen to me! I was really just trying this for the quest! It was a misunderstanding!"

"Kyaaak!! Stay away! You're getting dirt on the hot dogs! Go rinse your mouth first, you lunatic!"

The desperate chase across the Daegwallyeong winds continued for quite some time.

The process of registering and distributing products through the mysterious power called the System was quite tedious. Moreover, this community operated on a scale beyond global integration, encompassing even otherworldly beings, making management nearly impossible. Normally, even if Earth's U.S. President came asking, we wouldn't spare a glance. After all, it meant calculating precise coordinates to deliver burger sets not just to the other side of the globe, but to mountain valleys in the martial world or elven forests in Seranapia.

But the anonymous user's next words were interesting enough to offset my annoyance.

It wasn't a bad idea. Managing endless bloody disputes and disgusting images every day was rotting my mind—some entertainment might do it good. Still, I didn't accept right away and asked the most important question.

A brief silence followed before cautious text appeared on screen.

"......"

I let out a short sigh while looking at the floating screen.

Damn... Aigoo.

A guy with terminal cancer saying "yo"... Haah. It was a classic melodrama. Normally I'd have snorted and moved on, but the contest concept of making me laugh and the story kept pulling at my attention.

I immediately activated my system administrator privileges, created an event-only board, and began writing the announcement.

Honestly, after writing the post, I felt more uneasy than anything. No matter how great the integrated community's Padak was, writing a notice titled "Make Padak Laugh" felt... tacky, to say the least.

However, contrary to my expectations, the reaction was far more intense than I'd imagined. From bizarre high-tier nicknames I'd never seen before to lurking masters who usually only read, everyone poured out at once, flooding the post and comments.

The contest grounds were filled with every race and nationality pouring out disastrous jokes. Still, there were a few high-quality entries that even made me chuckle involuntarily. Those people received freshly fried fries and burgers sent straight through the System.

Just as the board was heating up in a festive mood...

"......"

For a moment, the comment section that had been updating thousands of times per second froze as if someone had stopped the community's server time entirely.