The Grand Matriarch's Nuclear Noogie Curriculum
Seomun Cheong was struck by a lightning bolt of realization.
“Just what on earth is going on inside that head of yours! You don’t even know your master’s surname? No matter how much of a prodigy you may be, I’m starting to seriously doubt whether you possess any common sense at all!”
“Huh? You weren’t from the Seo clan…?”
“It’s Seomun. Hoo… You hopeless child…”
“Ah.”
Cheong felt a little wronged. She had looked up Central Plains names all the way up to five characters. No one had told her whether it was just Seo or the full Seomun.
“Cheong-ah. My disciple.”
“Ah, that sounds… much better.”
Cheong was definitely preferable to A-Cheong. A person’s name being A-Cheong just felt off somehow.
“Good. Now that the name is settled, it’s time I pass on the most important martial art.”
“Ooh, y—ack.”
Cheong had slipped back into her usual speech habits before hurriedly correcting herself. But it was already too late.
Thwack!
A nuclear noogie flew straight at her.
“That crude way of speaking… What this old woman will teach you is a cultivation method called the Seohu Cheonae Heart Formula. Since it is a heart formula from the same Daoist lineage, it shouldn’t be difficult for you to learn.”
“Seohu Cheonae Heart Formula…”
“If you reach great completion in the Seohu Cheonae Heart Formula, you will gain an achievement greater than anything else for a disciple.”
Cheong swallowed hard. The name sounded cool, and it was a martial art personally transmitted by the greatest female master in the world. It couldn’t possibly be ordinary.
“What kind of achievement is it?”
Seomun Su-rin answered.
“It will make you prettier.”
“…Pardon?”
“It cultivates your beauty.”
“Uh… that’s it?”
Thwack! Another nuclear noogie was added to the tally. Cheong clutched her head and made a miserable face. This felt like she had been scammed.
“The best way for a woman to conceal herself is to become beautiful. Now then. I will recite the formula, so memorize it. ‘From the ancient times, the most precious—’”
Seomun Su-rin began reciting the mnemonic phrases of the Seohu Cheonae Heart Formula. Cheong listened with utmost concentration, nerves pulled tight.
But wait, can I even learn martial arts the Murim way? Well, if it doesn’t work, I can just ask to see the manual or have her write it down. That would solve it.
Yet the moment she finished hearing the entire formula, another system notification popped up.
New Internal Energy Cultivation Method acquired.
Seohu Cheonae Heart Formula has been added to the Martial Arts Window.
A new entry with a blue border had appeared in her internal energy section. She felt a little disappointed that it was only blue—
“Ugh, my head!”
The phrases suddenly burrowed into her mind in a rather unpleasant way.
“…Have you memorized it all?”
“Yes. I’ve memorized everything.”
“You memorized it? All of it in one go?”
Seomun Su-rin asked again in astonishment. The girl had seemed like a complete idiot earlier, yet suddenly…?
“Can you recite it for me?”
“From ancient times, the most precious thing has always been a bright face that receives love without any effort. This is called beauty. The Divine Farmer, the Flame Emperor, had many children. Among them was a daughter who attained virtue through this beauty…”
Cheong rattled off the phrases lodged in her head without missing a beat. It was blatant cheating. Seomun Su-rin, unaware of the truth, nodded in satisfaction.
So all her talent was concentrated in martial arts. No wonder this girl, who should still be crawling around at her age, had already reached the late stage of Peak realm.
“Then I shall perform True Qi Guiding for you. Turn around and sit.”
True Qi Guiding was an act where a practitioner guided another’s energy to let them directly experience the correct circulation of true qi. Half the reason people said having a good master was everything came from this very practice. No matter how dull a person was, they would never easily forget something they had personally felt inside their own body.
True qi roamed freely inside her body. It was a strange sensation. A gentle pull circulated once through her body from the dantian and returned to it once more.
Then another system notification appeared. It announced the achievement of the first stage of the Seohu Cheonae Heart Formula. The status window was annoying, but she appreciated the free training points.
Seohu Cheonae Heart Formula — Stage 1 Achieved
“Would you like to try circulating the qi once? Excellent. You learn immediately. Splendid. Truly commendable.”
Seomun Su-rin showered her with endless praise. As expected, she was the perfect candidate to become the next Supreme Under Heaven. Yes, the time had come for the greatest under heaven to emerge from the female martial artists. After all, martial arts had originally belonged to women. The method of imparting nature’s Dao to humans and governing true qi all originated from the Divine Maiden of the Nine Heavens.
When the Divine Maiden of the Nine Heavens descended to the mortal world, she hid her true form and introduced herself as nothing more than an ordinary woman. People therefore called her simply the woman from the Yue Kingdom, or Yue Maiden. Because the Yue Maiden favored wearing blue clothes, she was also called A-Cheong. And the karmic connection tied to that name had led to this very moment.
Her aptitude had already pierced the heavens. In that case, it was time to teach her the dignity befitting a female master. How should she mold this wild filly of a girl into a proper person?
Cheong was grinning like an idiot from the addictive barrage of praise. Had she known what Seomun Su-rin was thinking, she probably wouldn’t have smiled like that.
“Then, let us now learn how to manage your hair.”
“Manage my hair?”
“Indeed.”
“What kind of study is that?”
“Exactly what it sounds like. A method to manage a woman’s very life—her hair.”
“…Pardon?”
Cheong blinked. Why were they suddenly managing hair?
Whether Cheong found it absurd or not, Seomun Su-rin continued.
“I will teach my disciple forty-two different ways to tie hair. You must memorize them all and be able to do them naturally.”
“Um, does tying hair help with martial arts?”
“All you think about is martial arts.”
Seomun Su-rin’s expression grew stern.
“My disciple is already a master among female martial artists. However, the world’s gaze toward female warriors is utterly vile.”
If a female warrior was weak, people would say, “What can a frail woman do?” If she was strong, they would still talk. If her beauty was lacking, they’d say, “With a face like that, she has no choice but to be good at martial arts.” If her beauty was outstanding, they’d say, “With a face like that, how many masters must she have seduced to reach such a realm?”
When a male warrior cut down enemies and their heads flew across the battlefield with blood flowing like rivers, people would say, “How refreshing, what firm resolve and outstanding spirit.” But if a female warrior did the same, they would say, “A woman with a heart like a scorpion—how vicious and horrifying that she commits such slaughter.”
Even when giving alms to a starving beggar, the reaction differed. If a man did it, they’d say he had a generous heart. If a female warrior did it, they’d say, “As expected of a soft and delicate woman; she cannot endure the heartlessness of the Jianghu.”
“Uh…”
Cheong sensed that something had gone terribly wrong. Teacher? If you suddenly veer off in that direction, it feels a bit dangerous. Those are some very risky statements you’re making.
“Therefore, as a disciple who wanders the Jianghu, you must carry yourself with the mindset that you represent all female masters. To that end, in addition to your own ability, you must always maintain the graceful and beautiful bearing of a woman.”
I… represent all female masters?
Cheong was horrified. Among all the women in the world, there was one person who absolutely should not be in that position.
“Um… Master?”
“Now then. Let us begin learning.”
A tremendous will that would accept no objections whatsoever could be felt. Cheong nodded with a tearful expression.
---
I have to escape this place! As fast as possible!
Seomun Su-rin had declared that her disciple’s innate nature was like that of a wild filly and could never be corrected. Therefore, she would engrave proper femininity into her as a habit. She was to stay for exactly half a year before descending the mountain.
The thought that half a year would be fine had been a fatal mistake.
Thus began Cheong’s ordeal. The primary instrument of torture was the nuclear noogie.
If even a single strand of hair was out of place—nuclear noogie. If her clothes were not neat—nuclear noogie. If her gait was too wild—nuclear noogie. If her speech was light and crude—nuclear noogie. If she devoured her food instead of eating it properly—nuclear noogie. If she sat with her legs spread—nuclear noogie.
It reminded her of a certain dictator who believed all national affairs, public welfare, economy, and culture could be solved with nuclear weapons. It was no coincidence that it was called a nuclear noogie. One hit and her mouth would involuntarily purse. Her eyes would sting with heat, and the pain felt like her skull was cracking and her scalp was tearing apart.
The only reason Cheong hadn’t run away already was thanks to Jin Jangmyeong.
“Unni, are you okay?”
“I feel like I’m going to die. At this rate, I might actually die.”
“What should we do? Unni, your already pitiful head…”
Jin Jangmyeong gently stroked Cheong’s head.
“Don’t stroke it. My hair will come loose.”
A-Cheong loosened her hair and then neatly twisted and pinned it back up. This was the twenty-third style today. Two hairpins, one strand. It was a completely natural movement performed without conscious thought. This was what happened after five months—five full months—of getting beaten.
Jin Jangmyeong plopped down in front of her and presented her back.
“Do mine too.”
“Too much trouble. Do it yourself.”
“I’m also too lazy.”
Jin Jangmyeong simply flopped backward and began pressing her head firmly into Cheong’s stomach.
Cheong sighed and asked, “How many?”
“Thirty-five.”
“Why did it have to be thirty-five?”
Cheong grabbed Jin Jangmyeong’s hair. It was the thirty-fifth style, which required splitting the side hair into two braids each, then wrapping them around once. It was truly one of the most bothersome hairstyles imaginable.
In just five months, Jin Jangmyeong had transformed from a scrawny, pathetic ten-year-old brat into a tiny female middle schooler. It was closer to evolution than growth.
Those who possessed rare innate energies like Pure Yin Blood would see their internal energy progress extremely quickly once their dantian was formed. On top of that, she had fully absorbed the medicinal properties of the Great Recovery Pill. In terms of internal energy alone, Jin Jangmyeong had already surpassed the late first-class stage.
Once her body became healthy, she grew taller and gained some weight. However, according to Seomun Su-rin, since she had already missed the proper growth period, she wouldn’t grow much more from here.
“It’s almost the Hour of the Snake, isn’t it? We need to go to afternoon training.”
“Yeah.”
Cheong stepped out of her thatched hut.