This Goddamn Life (3)
"Ruina, you used the power of the stigmas on your own again, didn't you?"
Obviously. I was getting my ass thoroughly chewed out.
"I didn't have a choice. If I hadn't enhanced myself then, I never would've caught that little shit before he hit the ground."
If I'd tried to grab the falling kid in my normal state, the odds of pulling it off would've been fifty-fifty. Hunter's blood or not, the brat was still human — and he hadn't even properly manifested his power yet. If he'd hit the ground, he was dead. Guaranteed. Better I take a little damage and save him for certain than gamble on a coin flip.
"How many times do I have to tell you?! Don't use the stigmas unless you absolutely have to! What if you'd died without even saving the child?!"
She was bellowing like a pissed-off ogre.
The middle-aged woman in front of me, wrinkles just beginning to show, was the Mother Superior of the Holy Order — and an exceptional doctor. She was the one who'd treated the arm I'd lost years ago, and whenever the kids got sick, I always brought them here. Her nagging was a pain in the ass, but her skills were the real deal. She was also the one who kept extending the expiration date on this goddamn body of mine. I owed her for that.
"Look, I did it because I was sure I could save him. I don't gamble with people's lives."
"And your own life isn't a person's life? If you use the stigmas like that even one more time, I will simply ignore you!"
That's what she said, but the truth was she'd raised me like her own child ever since I'd grown up in the Order. I'd been a rough kid — caused all kinds of trouble — and she'd always covered for me, always spoken up in my defense. That was a big part of why I'd turned out even halfway decent. She always yelled at me like this, but she never actually hated me. It was all worry. You could tell just from the way she kept treating me, even though I wasn't going to live much longer anyway.
"......Ruina, are you still planning to stay with the Order?"
"Of course I am. It's not like I've got anywhere else to go. What would I even do out there?"
I just wished she wouldn't say things like that.
There was a reason she asked. I had a year left. Maybe. At most.
People like me — neither Awakeners nor ordinary humans — couldn't handle their own abilities. We died young. On top of that, I'd grown up so rough that my insides were a wreck. Originally, I wasn't even supposed to make it past fifteen. I was hanging on thanks to the stigmas transplanted by the Holy Order and a cocktail of various medicines, but honestly, I coughed up blood at the drop of a hat, and even a light use of the stigmas put me one step from death's door.
Which made me useless. As a nun, as a human being — I didn't have much value either way. You think I'd be stuck looking after kids at the church if I were a stigma-bearing nun worth a damn? The reason I didn't go on missions unless it was an emergency was the same.
"Isn't it time you started living your own life? Meeting a man, falling in love, picking up a hobby — living comfortably, like the other children. That wouldn't be so bad."
"Bickering with those goddamn brats— I mean, the kids. That's my hobby. And what would I even do out there? You know how half-rate rejects like me get treated."
Going outside wouldn't be great either. Money wasn't the issue. I'd saved up everything the Order had paid me over the years, and I'd scraped together leftover loot from monsters here and there. I could live out the rest of my days comfortably enough. But this world didn't work that way.
The Mother Superior wouldn't know this, but people like me vanish without a trace the moment they leave their guild.
You know how Earth had those extremist groups that hunted people over race or nationality? This world had them too. They weren't well-known to the public, but they hunted people called Imports — those who were neither ordinary humans nor Awakeners. I'd read about them in the novel, and I'd seen them with my own two eyes.
Had you seen that news story from last year? The heads of three men and two women had been put on display in the plaza of the 5th Floor Area — the most densely populated district there was. A lot of people were shocked. The Hunter Administration flipped out and dispatched an investigation team to find whoever was behind it, but...
All they found out was that every last victim was an Import.
That was genuinely all they discovered. The reason being that the Hunter Administration already had a few of those bastards mixed in among their own people, so the whole thing fizzled out as the work of some mentally unstable hunter.
When the real culprits were something else entirely.
Which meant if I left the Holy Order, I'd be in danger. I might get attacked and killed by those people even sooner than my remaining lifespan ran out. If I was going to die because of this body, fine. I didn't want to get murdered like that. And those bastards enjoyed torture. Just thinking about how the victims' facial skin had been melted off was enough to turn your stomach.
"With a body like this, I couldn't even get a proper job. And I can't use my abilities freely, so monster hunting's out too. That's obvious."
On top of that, there was leaving the church's kids behind.
"So I'll look after the kids until I drop dead, and that's how I'll go. I'm sure even that high-and-mighty God of yours would want it that way."
Plenty of those kids were in the same boat as me, and the place was overflowing with little troublemakers who'd cause an accident like today's the second you took your eyes off them. How was I supposed to just leave them? At the very least, I wanted to see their faces until I died.
"Haaaah...... All right. But if you change your mind, tell me anytime. You only get one life."
And I think I'd miss her face too, if I never saw it again.
"Got it. You worry too much. Before you start worrying about other people's lives, maybe worry about your own face, Mother Superior. Looks like you've picked up another wrinkle since yesterday. Might want to do something about that."
"......Ruina! Would it kill you to watch your mouth?!"
And with that, I beat a hasty retreat from the infirmary, the door slamming shut behind me.
"Hah, haah."
If I'd stayed, I would've gotten a sermon loud enough to blow my eardrums out. That definitely would've shaved even more time off my already short lifespan. Getting the hell out of there was the right call.
She's not chasing after me like she used to.
Come to think of it, the Mother Superior had gotten pretty old. Ten years ago, she'd been a force to be reckoned with.
Maybe I should look for some decent herbal medicine. Though good luck finding any — every pharmacist in this world just makes potions.
I had attachments to life, but no regrets. At first I figured I'd die as trash in a garbage heap. Then I thought I'd end up monster food on a mission, or get kidnapped one day and vanish without a trace. But dying because my lifespan ran out? That, I actually welcomed.
......In this rotten world, if I could use up every last bit of time this goddamn life had given me — that was more than enough. The only lingering attachment was that I couldn't spend what little time I had left in peace, the way I wanted.
"Ha. I should just hurry up and die already."
Time to get ready to receive the Saintess. Hadn't the nuns just put out a broadcast telling everyone to put on their S-Rank ceremonial dress? Give me a break. Even the pointless crap was exactly like the military.
I headed to the changing room to get dressed.
The Mother Superior spoke, looking at a photograph of a woman.
Ruina never saw it.
A crisp wind swept through.
That's nice.
A peaceful atmosphere you wouldn't find on any other floor. This was the land of nature, called God's resting place — the church built on the Tower's 7th Floor. It lived up to the name.
What were the children growing up in a place like this like? Did their faces hold smiles, or despair? Even as she rode toward the church in a rather uncomfortable carriage, the Saintess found herself regretting that she wouldn't be able to see those innocent children's faces with her own two eyes.
"My apologies. We can't bring transportation from other floors onto this one, so we have to travel by carriage."
That didn't particularly matter.
......Not that she bothered to say so. She couldn't speak even if she wanted to, and besides, given the image of a Saintess, they would already assume that was how she felt.
She shifted slightly.
"Ahem......"
The platinum-blonde Saintess offered a gentle smile in place of a proper reply. The Holy Order escorts who saw it flushed and turned their heads away. The Saintess was blind, of course — she couldn't see what was in front of her. But looking directly at her beautiful face was still difficult unless you had formidable mental fortitude.
She was a woman who had offered even her soul to God. If someone like them dared to covet her, divine punishment was all but guaranteed.
God, in the Saintess's own estimation, was a mischievous being. In exchange for promising to lend her more of His power than anyone else, He had taken her eyes and her voice, forcing her to live dependent on that power. And He hadn't even given her the option to refuse. He'd simply taken a lost traveler and turned her into a follower, using her however He pleased.
It was absurd, but what could she do?
"Saintess, the church is in sight."
Now that she'd been given the names "Saintess" and "Remiel," she had to move according to God's revelations. In the end, it was a life no different from a well-made puppet. A hollow, utterly meaningless existence.
At that moment, the Saintess suddenly conveyed this to the escorts around her. She couldn't speak, but in the same way God delivered revelations to her, she could send something like telepathy to others. This was probably the one scrap of conscience God still possessed. He'd forcibly turned a perfectly healthy person into a disabled one, so this much was the least He could do. That was how the Saintess saw it.
"Pardon? There's still quite a distance left. Why would you......"
"Ah, understood. Then we'll accompany—"
"What?"
And acting according to God's revelations wasn't entirely a bad thing.
"Th-that's not possible. Our duty is to escort you from dangers that could arise at any moment. If we just turn back like that......"
"Ah, in that case, we have no choice. We'll follow slowly behind you, then."
Every now and then, He let her enjoy these small deviations. God's revelations were absolute — even the Pope of the Holy Order couldn't override them. And only the Saintess could receive those revelations.
......Which meant that unless you were the Saintess, you had no way of knowing what those revelations actually said.