My Friends' Stories
"Hey! What did you just say!"
The little psycho... no. Joe bared his teeth and started growling at the dog that had testified.
"I-It's the truth! You were trying to bite me!"
"Ha. Unbelievable."
Joe turned a vicious hostility on the witness dog, and that hostility promptly delivered a shock straight to me.
"You little beep— beep— I'll beep— your beep— you beep—! Say it again. Say it again! Aaaagh!"
I gaped. The words pouring into my ears had been automatically beeped out until the meaning was gone entirely, and for a moment I honestly couldn't tell whether the problem was my superpower or my ears. I dug in one ear and even thumped my own head a few times, but nothing changed.
Does my superpower self-censor now?
Watching him bare his teeth and bark at random, spit flying, I had to admit a little censorship might be necessary. Honestly, I had no desire to hear the uncensored version in full.
Whether she knew any of that or not, the vice class president scooped Joe up just as he was about to lunge at the witness dog.
"Let go! I'm ripping that bastard's mouth off today! Let go of me! Don't touch me! I'll bite it clean off!"
Caught in her arms, Joe thrashed like something unhinged, spewing hostility at the witness dog. He didn't even bother hiding his aggression toward his own owner.
"...You okay?"
"Huh? With what?"
"...Never mind."
Still clutched against her, Joe was gnawing indiscriminately at her fingers in a bid to wriggle free. He wasn't full-grown yet, so his bite was weak and he wasn't actually leaving any marks, and I decided not to worry about it. If she was happy with it, what was I supposed to do?
She wasn't entirely oblivious, though. Catching my look, she figured out what I'd been getting at.
"Ohhh! He's not biting. It's affection. It doesn't even hurt."
"No... forget it."
"There was this guy in a video once, you know? He said petting a Chihuahua is the most peaceful rest in the world. The Chihuahua in that video was biting his fingers like crazy too. And he said some oxy... some hormone comes out. That it lowers your stress?"
Ah. That video. I'd seen it too. Thanks to my superpower, I'd even learned what the Chihuahua was actually saying.
It was definitely "die." That Chihuahua had been trying to kill those fingers.
The memory was still crystal clear, but I decided to keep my mouth shut for the vice class president, who was stroking Joe as if nothing in the world could please her more. Besides, that oxy-whatever was an entirely different hormone, so opening my mouth would only have meant teasing her or talking down to her.
"Die! Die!"
Granted, Joe — still trapped in her hands — was trying to murder those fingers with the same crazed determination as the Chihuahua from the video.
"Shin Suhwan. Think you could fix Joe's personality a little?"
"Hmm..."
I watched her getting her fingers chewed and not caring in the slightest, on the grounds that it didn't hurt, and thought for a moment. I was no veterinarian, and I was no professional trainer, but one thing was certain.
How am I supposed to tell her this guy's got anger issues and his personality can't be fixed?
I could feel it. Joe had an anger management problem. Tap him and he detonated — a handle-with-care Chihuahua. No. Just a bomb. A bean-sized one, small and weak enough that it didn't even hurt.
So I thought it over, then opened my mouth.
"That one... honestly, that filthy personality isn't getting fixed. It's imprinted at the genetic level, you could say..."
"What did you just say!"
Joe, having heard me, turned his hostility my way as well. I shook my head and decided to offer a little more advice.
"If you can help it, don't put him with dogs of other breeds. Chihuahuas around the same level... they might sort out their own pecking order and get along among themselves."
"Really? There's no way?"
"Nope. That one's a lost cause."
"You wanna die?! Get over here! I said get over here! Aaaagh!"
At that the vice class president's face fell, and Joe barked like a maniac. It wasn't the least bit threatening, of course. A creature small enough to sit in one grown woman's hand could yap all it liked and I wasn't going to be afraid. If something like that were enough to scare me, Cheongho and the others would have had me terrified long ago.
But then I thought of the animals waiting at home — no, more precisely, the ones who wouldn't spare me a thought at all, busy as they were playing with So-eun — and an idea occurred to me.
"It might not be completely hopeless..."
"Really? What? What is it?"
"Want to leave him with me for about three days?"
"With you?"
"Yeah."
There had always been a highly effective method for treating anger management problems.
"You said you watch my Mytube, right? So you know what kind of animals I keep?"
"Well, of course..."
Her reaction changed in an instant.
"Don't tell me you're going to have the animals educate him."
"Yeah. You know it too. A very effective treatment for anger issues."
"Uuuugh..."
She wasn't missing my meaning. She looked like she was thinking it over — if she left Joe with me, she could probably picture exactly what kind of treatment he'd get. The hesitation didn't last. Unless she meant to shut him in the house forever and cut off every bit of contact with the outside world, that temper was better treated.
"I'm counting on you. Even if Joe can't get along with other dogs, at least make it so he doesn't attack first."
"Don't worry. I'll treat the anger issues and send him back in one piece."
"Thank you! Oh — looks like they're starting on the meat. Let's go."
Bright smile in place, she started back toward the tables with me as the smell of grilling meat began to spread. If only a few of my classmates hadn't been waiting right behind us.
"Take a look at ours too."
"Ugh..."
They stood there with the carriers and leashes they'd used to bring their dogs, and I pressed a hand to my forehead. Apparently it was still too early for the meat.
"My Golden's been peeing all over the house lately... Tell me why, will you? I'm going crazy. The whole place reeks of dog piss."
"Ahem. You smell... You've been living on delivery food lately, haven't you?"
"Oh? How'd you know? Things have been rough for cooking at home, so I've been ordering chicken and stuff. Put on a bit of weight because of it, too."
"He's getting back at you for hogging all the good food. Share a little. Whatever you're allowed to feed him. Or at least give him a treat."
One classmate had been stuffing himself with chicken and failing to feed his dog properly, and had earned a urine attack for the trouble.
"Poppy keeps barking at empty air. You think she's seeing ghosts? It's a liiittle scary."
"She's asking for a walk. Wasn't there a leash at the end of where Poppy was looking?"
"Ah... I think there might have been..."
"Her walks have been a bit lacking, I'd say. You'll need to go more often, or make each one last long enough."
Another classmate had mistaken a request for a walk for ghost-sighting.
"I raised that one with cats, you know? So now he thinks he's a cat. Look. Licking his paw and wiping his face..."
"...Even I can't do anything about that. Think about Changsu."
"...Fair point. That guy lived with his older sisters and turned into a total softie. So I should just leave him like that?"
"Can't be helped. Call it identity... it's already set. Hard to change. Leaving him as he is is how both of you get to live in peace."
Yet another classmate was worried about a puppy raised alongside cats who had started acting like one.
Only after I'd heard out those not-quite-worries and settled them with ease could I finally enjoy the reunion itself. By the time I reached the table, the meat and the drinks were already in full swing.
"Hey, hey! Suhwan! Get over here!"
Whether they'd saved it for me or not, I headed for the empty seat the class president was pointing at.
"Here — take this first!"
"You are the only human being alive who hands a man a drink before he's even sat down."
I took the glass he shoved at me as I sat, tossed it back, and savored a pleasure I hadn't felt in a long time. The reunion — spent listening to friends tell me they envied me, or thank me — was thoroughly good. It was fun drinking the class president under the table, and it was fun cooking unseasoned meat just enough to feed the dogs who'd staged a breakout because they couldn't stand the smell. Even watching some guy sing along to his own dog's howling and call it a talent show was fun.
I enjoyed that reunion late into the evening, then came home pleasantly buzzed, one hand carrying the crate that held Joe, the anger-management dog.
"You drank a lot."
"Heheh. My wife's pretty. My daughter's pretty too."
"Aigoo, you're completely drunk."
Maybe it was the buzz, but Noona and So-eun looked even lovelier than usual, and I gave them each a light kiss. Noona smiled shyly, as if she didn't mind at all, but So-eun — whether from the smell of alcohol or not — let out a bwaaah and busied herself pushing me away.
"Open it! Open this thing! Can't you hear me? I said open it! I'll kill everyone!"
"Come to think of it, what's that? You didn't just pick it up somewhere, did you?"
"Oh, riiight!"
Noona's question and Joe's frantic barking snapped me back. I carried the crate over to the animals watching me with puzzled looks and took hold of the latch.
"Take the new recruit!"
"The hell are you staring at!"
The instant the latch came free, the Chihuahua shot out — and yapped. Tiny. Adorable. A dainty little ang-ang.