The Seasoned Drill Instructor

Once Yeongji had given each of ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the seven animals a name of her own making, she declared that she liked them even better for wearing the ones she'd chosen, and threw herself right ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠back down to roll around the yard with the whole pack.

Her clothes and hair never stood a chance. Dust, grass, and loose fur saw to that.

"Aigoo... Unnie'll give you some clothes, so go wash up. Show up at home like that and Auntie is going to scold you to death. Actually, I bet a taxi wouldn't even let you in."

"Okaaay!"

Noona took Yeongji and headed into the house. She must have run into Namcat on the way, because I caught Yeongji calling his name and flapping her hand so hard it blurred.

Namcat didn't seem to think badly of her either. He lifted one front paw and waved back—the greeting I'd taught him.

"Kyaaaah!"

Yeongji looked ready to die of pure delight, but Noona wasn't having it. Insisting the girl needed a wash, she caught her by the scruff and hauled her off.

I shook my head at the sight and turned back to the seven animals still occupying the yard.

Natae lay flat where she was, proving she was alive with nothing more than the occasional flick of her tail. Maru panted beside me, sides heaving. Off in the stretch of yard we'd turned into a flower bed, three cats and Jjamong were chasing butterflies.

And in the corner, Soolbbang stood with one hind leg cocked, the very picture of a dog about to mark his territory.

The instant I spotted him, I shot a hand out and yelled, tripping over the first syllable.

"St—Stop!"

And the effect of that Stop!—famous for a while as an internet meme—was, sure enough, something to behold. The three cats that had been after the butterflies, and Jjamong with them, locked up mid-motion in a blink. Jjamong had been sprinting too hard to kill her own momentum and went tumbling across the ground, but she stopped all the same. Soolbbang, the one I'd actually been aiming at, had no choice but to freeze exactly as he was, leg still hoisted in the air.

"Whew..."

Relief washed through me as I eyed the lamp dressing up the yard, planted directly in the path of that raised leg.

"Soolbbang. You, c'mere. Actually—no. All of you, get over here."

I crooked a finger as I said it, and Soolbbang came scurrying. Jjamong and the cats raced over after him, while Natae—determined, it seemed, to live up to a name that meant nothing but sloth—rose at her leisure and strolled over at her leisure.

"Listen up. From now on, marking territory by peeing is banned."

"Eeeh—!"

Soolbbang stared at me like he couldn't believe his ears. The others didn't make a show of it, but they looked a little less than thrilled themselves.

It couldn't be helped. Leave animal urine sitting, and the stench clung on for ages.

"This is the house you're going to live in. You don't have to mark it for it to be home—it's a place you all share. You might sort out territories by that smell, but humans like me don't care for it."

I laid it out for them point by point, every reason they couldn't go marking inside the house. Starting from the simple matter of consideration for the ones you live with, I talked them around. I'd already won Namcat over once before, so the rest came around in their own way. Maru, Natae, and Jjamong were female to begin with, and Natae and Jjamong had been spayed besides, so there wasn't much pushback from that quarter. Only Soolbbang—male, and not fixed—looked a little put out. The cats, whose idea of marking never amounted to more than leaving a trace of their own scent, didn't object in any particular way.

"Then where do I pee?"

"Ah. Guess I'll have to teach you that, too."

At Soolbbang's question I nodded and led the bunch into the house. They hadn't forgotten what they'd seen Namcat do earlier; just as he had, they scrubbed their paws back and forth across the mat and came inside. A little of the dust caked into their fur shook loose onto the floor, but there was nothing to be done about that.

Maybe later I ought to rig up something like an air tunnel, so they can blow the dust off before they come in...

The notion had struck, but what mattered right now was getting their bathroom training sorted.

I herded the seven animals in and found Noona, who had just shoved Yeongji into the bathroom.

"Noona. Yeongji? Upstairs?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I've got to potty-train these guys, too."

Noona seemed to follow, and nodded.

"But can you really call that potty training...?"

"...Training is training."

It wasn't what you'd do with an ordinary dog or cat. Having them go in the toilet like a person—and flush, no less—was still training. What else would you call it? Get them to copy it properly, and that was training.

"Oh, Noona. While we're at it, mind filming this?"

"Me? You're not shooting it yourself?"

"I'm going to be in it."

Noona looked at me as if that were the last thing she'd expected.

"My face is already all over the place, so what does it matter? Thanks to you taking pictures at your cafe, pretty much everybody knows it. Since I'm out there anyway, I figured I might as well show up in the video."

"Mm-hm."

She nodded like that settled it, took my phone, and started recording. The moment the bright little chime sounded, I called for Namcat, already thinking through how the lesson would go.

"Namcat!"

At the shout he appeared from somewhere, sauntering. The seven animals looked faintly tense—no doubt they still remembered getting smacked the instant they'd first met him.

Come on, Maru. What are you doing, getting scared of a guy smaller than you?

One solid hit from Maru and Namcat looked like he'd drop on the spot, but she was so gentle she was intimidated by him anyway. Right now, though, I could call that useful.

"What'd you call me for."

"All right! The seasoned drill instructor will now give a demonstration. Recruits, you will watch the seasoned drill instructor, and you will follow along properly!"

"You eat something spoiled? The hell's wrong with you?"

"Seasoned drill instructor, Namcat! Demonstrate use of the toilet! Execute!"

Namcat stared at me the way you'd stare at a lunatic. I had to wonder how a cat's face managed that much range. A moment later, though, he wiped ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the look clean off and strode for the bathroom with snap in every step.

Churu really does the trick.

Of course it did. The reason was the tube I'd let peek out of my pocket. Whether it was the stray in him or something else, Namcat was a cat who lost his mind over food. Give him something to eat and he'd do whatever he was told.

"This instructor will now demonstrate. You get one look. One. Watch, and follow it clean!"

Nobody made a sound.

"Is that clear!"

"Y-yes, sir!"

"Short and sharp!"

"Yes, sir!"

Bullied into answering, the seven animals yelped their replies. Whether that pleased him or not, Namcat stepped into the bathroom on feet that were crisp and strangely light.

"This is a toilet. The tool humans use when they relieve themselves. From this moment, we will use it too. I will show you how. Watch closely!"

He barked at them to watch, then climbed up onto the toilet. The first-floor bathroom had already had its seat swapped out so the animals could manage it—broad platforms on either side, so no one would fall into the bowl, and a little set of steps beside them to make the climb easy. Namcat planted his paws on the platform, set his stance, and promptly started peeing into the bowl.

No shame, just because he's an animal? He's going just fine with everyone watching.

I was still thinking how thoroughly different their mindset was from a human's when Namcat moved on to the next step.

"Once you have finished, there is a step you must not skip. You flush. Look here—a cord hangs down on this side. Pull it, and the water pours in and erases our traces."

He indicated the rope I'd tied to the lever. Cats could jump up to the lever easily enough, but I hadn't figured the other animals could do the same, so I'd set the thing up ahead of time. Namcat took the rope lightly in his teeth and tugged. The lever went down, and with a roaring rush the evidence of what he'd done vanished.

"That concludes the use of the toilet. Any beast with a question!"

Not one of the seven said a word.

"Good. Then you will practice. One at a time!"

So saying, he singled out Ssangdungi, who happened to be nearest. The name meant Twins, which made her sound like two cats—but she was one Siamese.

"You will copy the method this instructor just showed you!"

"Understood!"

Ssangdungi answered with spirit and reproduced Namcat's method to the letter. She took her position, did her business, flushed, and carried the whole thing off without a flaw.

The problem was what came next. Chicken, the Munchkin with the stubby little legs, couldn't quite hold her stance and let a little miss the bowl.

"You can't even piss straight, can you!"

"Aaaack!"

"Oh-ho. Running, are we?"

Namcat punished her for failing to follow his demonstration.

Hit before she knew what had happened, Chicken bolted—but legs that long were always going to outrun legs that short. She took a few more blows for the crime of fleeing, then flushed with a thoroughly crestfallen look.

"I don't want to see anyone else spilling like this moron!"

Maybe because Chicken had been torn into over such a small mistake, not even a minor slip followed from any of the animals after her.

"From now on, when you relieve yourselves, you will use the toilet this way. Understood!"

"Yes, sir!"

Thanks to the thrashing Chicken had taken, they answered with the snap of recruits whose discipline had been beaten in tight. I burst out laughing, and Noona—who seemed to grasp the whole situation well enough just from watching—burst out laughing with me.

"Now hand it over."

Deciding his job was done, Namcat came up and demanded the Churu. I'd promised it, so I snipped the tip and fed it to him a little at a time.

"Uuuhhhnn... tastes real good..."

He worked his tongue for all it was worth, and he looked profoundly happy—nothing like the cat who had just been walloping Chicken. I laughed again and signaled Noona that she could stop. She lowered the phone she'd had trained on the two of us.

"It was already ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠amazing when you trained Namcat, but this is even wilder. This time Namcat trained the other kids, right?"

"That's right. This is why you need a seasoned drill instructor."

Namcat had already licked an entire tube clean and wandered off. Watching him go, I took the phone back from Noona, pulled the footage off it, and started editing on the spot. A simple cut, a few subtitles, and up it went to MeTube.

It hardly needed saying. This video exploded in views, too.