The Food Chain
For something that called itself a queen, she did have a stubborn, clinging sort of grit. But a pigeon was still a pigeon. Caked in dirt and sand like a crust of frying batter, the Pigeon Queen wept tears of blood.
"Damn it all. You damned bitch. Gouging out your eyes and painting the rivers red with your blood would not be enough. Pouring brine into those empty sockets until you howled in agony would not be enough...!"
"Slam."
She could curse all she liked. Once Lupin of Strength Rank X had her by the leg, there was no getting away. And then she started in with some nonsense about a star this and a star that — not frightening in the slightest, just petty, and it kept scraping at the sleazier corners of Lupin's mind.
"Were it not for the star lurking at your back, I would have reduced you to a bloody pulp...."
That star. Don't tell me she meant Big Sis Star? No way. Their big sis was packing that much power?
"My star's ranked that high?"
"Matters of the stars may be spoken of by the stars alone!"
Even while being mashed flat, the Pigeon Queen was remarkably quick with an answer. Lupin was not the least bit grateful, so her ruinous little mouth didn't stop either.
"So you're saying I can mess with you even harder?"
"......"
"Answer."
"In— insolence!"
"Aigoo. O most dignified and august Pigeon Queen! Still rolling around on the ground, and yet you go looking for your dignity? Goodness. Or was this method too plain to be any fun? Shall I pluck your feathers out one by one, then?"
"Y-you wretched girl, truly!"
"Oh. That doesn't suit you either? If I'd known, I would've stepped out from under that little blue sticker's protection and looked up a pigeon rice bowl. Sob, sob. My torture methods are so simple and boring I could cry. I can't even put the Pigeon Queen aboard the Female Corruption Express...."
Even the Pigeon Queen had no reply to that. How could a person — a girl, no less — spew something so obscene without a shred of shame? Spirits, after all, had only ever met the precious, the great, and the well-mannered. Renowned astrologers. Queens of one country or another. Court ladies, and the like. She had only ever seen women who wore coyness and primness as passive skills, so of course she had no idea what to do with a complete psycho like Lupin.
"Anyway, what's your name. How many times do I have to ask. Why is a name this expensive, seriously."
"Th-that...."
"Still can't remember, huh. Okay, fine. I'll wait while I slam you around a little. I've got time. I'm drowning in time. We need to talk~ This miserable stretch only ends once we actually understand each other~."
The more anxious Lupin got, the more cunningly she kept it off her face. Three years of company life, meeting every species of human garbage there was, had taught her this particular mystery and truth of existence.
"Rub with the left hand. Rub with the right hand. Today, I'm a mixed-noodle chef."
"Wai— agh. Stop— agh. That. Talk. Agh.... You, you wreeeench—!!!"
Unable to endure the brutality any longer, the Pigeon Queen let out a shriek. The grass and trees around them wailed, and the birds that had been cracking nuts startled into the air in one spectacular rush.
In that instant, Lupin understood. This pigeon was a more impressive pigeon than she had thought.
And yet?
Right now, she's my toy.
As if she had already forgotten that roar, Lupin went right back to slamming her. This was a fight for control, and once you were in one of those, you did not fold no matter how impressive a threat the other side produced. Lupin had learned that from the woman assistant manager who sat across from her at that damned company. Once you held the high ground, the woman had said, you must never show weakness until you got what you wanted. Threats, whatever else they tried — all of it just meant they were scared, so ignore it and keep doing what you were doing. Or something like that.
...Thinking about it now, it was a little funny that she'd said all this over coffee the very evening she'd blown up at him for cutting his bangs too short.
"Agh. Urk. Agh."
As if to prove Lupin wasn't wrong, the Pigeon Queen had only gotten louder. Otherwise she was no different from before — nothing but a soft little hammer, pounding the ground over and over.
Thock, thock, thock, thock, thock, thock.
The amazing part was that even under torture that vicious, she was still sharp-tongued. Did she truly believe, just as she'd claimed at the start, that if time simply kept passing she would win? The summoning was nearing its end, and Lupin could only tilt her head. It wasn't as if the pigeon was threatening her with "Keep this up and I won't find you any Secret Safes!" either. Was it because chest-hunting was, in the end, a talent granted by Destiny's Star — or did she simply want to make Lupin angry?
Wait a second.
A memory squirmed to life. The assistant manager from across the desk, again. She'd been wondering why the woman kept surfacing — ah. Because it had to do with treasure chests.
"Oh, could you organize this properly? Is this really your best?"
"What kind of man can't even carry this much. Seriously. Move all of it before lunch!"
"Why is the work like this. I'm actually going to lose my mind. You're staying late today. Do I really have to work overtime I never planned for, just to teach you this too?"
She pitched a fucking fit over every little thing, so he'd complained to the department head over drinks — and what did he get. A shocking answer.
"Just take it in stride. Unless you plan to end up like me — three kids, and every hobby abandoned."
If she hadn't realized it then, Lupin might have lost an astronomical number of treasure chests!
She loosened her grip and flung the pigeon onto the ground. Groaning, the Pigeon Queen shook herself off and came to.
"Heh heh heh. Have you realized it at last? However you insult me, it lasts but a moment. A human lifespan is finite, and all too short. We shall be bound together from now on regardless, so you would do well to start adapting to me this very day!"
An irritating aura steamed off the queen's words. It reeked of that assistant manager (age thirty), thrashing about for attention. Lupin startled and clapped a hand over her mouth. The assistant manager had harbored that terrifying scheme in order to steal Lupin's precious chest time, sure. But the Pigeon Queen — why on earth? Did she have some reason to need the attention?
People usually begged like that because they were the ones who needed you, so Lupin started in with comparisons, just to test it. The easiest and fastest way to wound someone, and an excellent way to get your own shins kicked. She was absolutely not speaking from experience.
"Ugh. I hate pigeons.... They stink, they're filthy, they spread disease, they eat vomit...."
"Y-you wench! Will you not cease this in-insult!! To spew words so revolting and vile, as if you held a half-sucked rag in your mouth!!"
Brr-coo, brr-coo. The angry pigeon was loud.
"Aah~ Isn't there some other spirit? Yeah, a rabbit would be nice. Magic shows are all about rabbits. Grab it by the ears, pop it out of a hat, hop-hop, cute. Or a dog? Dogs are good too. A retriever, or a bichon freedom, would be great. Or... a cat? A snake? What else is there? I don't watch magic shows often enough to know. Oh, right. What about a completely different bird? Anything but a pigeon. That bird of prey from earlier was pretty cute, actually."
Whether the queen cared or not, Lupin poured it all out like a madwoman. In summary: anything but you would do. Please just leave, and send a different spirit. Even so, the Pigeon Queen did not yield. She clearly had something to lean on.
"No matter — no matter how you provoke my wrath, it is useless. This is a contract between the stars and the whole of the spirit realm. No method can alter it. So be reasonable, and give up! Ahahaha!!"
"Oh, really? So I just have to tell the star?"
A contract between the stars and the spirits. Lupin read that as meaning she herself was something like an accessory bolted onto the contract. Put another way, there was no point doing this here — she ought to speak to the star directly. And if you'd already told the higher-ups and they wouldn't listen, you took it up another rung. Why else did those letters from the heart exist? Even if people cursed you for a whistleblower, when the absurdity inside a company got bad enough, you could flip the whole place over.
"Anyone who thinks that's wrong is a b— a boomer, if you ask me!"
"Ha, hahaha. I haven't the faintest idea what you are saying. And you think the stars will answer your call for that? They do not interfere in the affairs of the earth. Cry out all you like; they will not so much as twitch a brow—"
Shhhk.
Her summoning spent, the Pigeon Queen returned to the spirit realm. Tsk. Lupin clicked her tongue. Why was she saying Big Sis Star wouldn't answer? Lupin could see her whenever she felt like it. She didn't get it.
And so she called in a flock of pigeons with the summoning time multiplied by four. Do that, and vitality drain and a near-death experience arrived together — which meant she could see Big Sis Star whenever she wanted.
CRACK———!
Flung out beyond the universe, she found herself, all at once, in the plush embrace of a gigantic goddess. Destiny's Star spoke in a voice thick with disappointment.
"...Sometimes I am ashamed that you are my Star Apostle."
Star or no star, Lupin immediately jammed her fingers into her mouth and started sucking on them.
"Waaah! I hate pigeon magic! Change it!"
The goddess's enormous hand pressed against a forehead that did not even exist.
"A contract of the stars is not something so easily softened and undone."
"Doot-tai."
"The profound workings of a complex universe are tangled up in it, so even if I wished—"
"Dootta-wootatta-ya!"
"—it cannot be done. No matter how you wheedle."
"I'm gonna be a treasure chest master!!!"
Destiny's Star was a headless goddess. And yet in that moment Lupin felt a truly scorching glare. Even amid the tremendous pressure of the cosmos, that exasperated, what-am-I-going-to-do-with-you look landed straight on her skin.
Ting.
"Kyaang!"
Hurled out of the cosmos, Lupin slammed into the earth and rolled three times. Once again her whole body shivered uncontrollably. She was so drained she couldn't even sit up. So even Big Sis Star couldn't do anything about this. Well, she had barged in and dug her heels in without a plan. Sleep on it first, then think again....
The world doesn't have only one kind of pigeon, you know. Do try using that imagination of yours.
There was no gift, but there was a hint. Another kind of pigeon. Lupin hadn't even thought of that.
"Ah. Simply. She-who-gives-whatever-you-ask, this age's true My Sweet Orange Tree, The Giving Tree itself. King. God. All praise the star."
Lupin had a bad thought. The next time a situation like this came up, wouldn't going to see Big Sis Star solve the crisis in a single stroke?
"Ahem-ahem. Destiny's Star, let's communicate."
I have my circumstances too. I cannot help you freely. So know this — come find me like that again, and the Jade of Spontaneous Life will be destroyed. Forever.
The message struck, and in the same instant — crack. A hairline fracture split the Jade of Spontaneous Life. Lupin's heart dropped. She spat her fingers out at once and stood up straight on both feet.
"Of course. A child must grow up someday and leave her guardian's si—kyaang."
Her legs still had no strength in them, and Lupin toppled straight over backward.
