Letting Go
Her hand did not move from the place where it rested on Yi-ryeong’s arm.
Even though he had already achieved what he wanted—he had stopped her from leaving.
She could have shaken him off easily enough, but Yi-ryeong did not.
"Young master, please let go of my arm first."
She asked it simply because she could not even explain to herself why she was asking it.
"Ah..."
At her words, the man let out a small, startled sigh.
What followed was even more absurd.
He kept glancing back and forth between Yi-ryeong’s face and her arm for a long moment, then, as if something had finally dawned on him, his fingers loosened.
He looked as though he did not even know what he was doing.
For all that he had the face of some pampered nobleman, he seemed strangely, almost helplessly naive.
Why had she been unable to refuse someone like him?
That was a genuine mystery to Yi-ryeong.
"So what is it you want to say?"
The silence was becoming unbearable, so Yi-ryeong spoke first, but no answer came back.
Instead, the man only kept opening and closing his mouth slightly, like someone struggling to swallow words that would not come out.
Yi-ryeong watched the frustrating sight in silence.
It looked as if he had stopped her without having anything in particular prepared to say.
Or maybe he had so much he wanted to say that he could not decide where to begin.
If that was the case, it only made less sense.
They had met only three days ago. This was the first time they had actually spoken.
How much could he possibly have to say to act like this?
Then, suddenly, Yi-ryeong remembered Hye-rin’s words.
Hye-rin had asked whether he might not be a stranger at all, but someone she had simply forgotten.
She had dismissed it lightly at the time, but now Yi-ryeong found herself thinking that perhaps Hye-rin might really have been right.
After all, the man was still carefully choosing his words.
What on earth did she mean to him, to make him act this way?
"Have we perhaps met somewhere before?"
It was a question ripe for misunderstanding, but Yi-ryeong had no way of knowing that.
Even if she had, she would not have cared.
Suddenly, the man started kicking at the floor as if it had personally offended him.
His lips moved even more rapidly, yet no sound came out.
Yi-ryeong could only grow more frustrated.
If they had met, then they had; if not, then not. Why was he agonizing over it like this? She could not understand it at all.
Just as the feeling of talking to a wall was beginning to burn her from the inside out, the man finally reacted.
He simply shook his head quietly.
Assuming he was capable of normal thought, that meant they were meeting for the first time.
"Then why on earth are you acting like this toward me? You’ve been staring at me blankly for days."
"..."
"And whenever I try to talk to you, you never have an answer. Young master, to be honest, it’s making me very uneasy—in a bad way."
She was the one who had driven a child into darkness.
She was the one who ought to spend her whole life atoning as a sinner.
She was supposed to live only for one boy, and yet this man kept forcing his way into that space.
And now, when he had come all the way to stand before Lee Hyun...
As always, she should have pushed him away, but for some reason, she could not.
Her body would not obey her.
It had only been three days, and yet she was far too shaken.
So Yi-ryeong wanted this man to leave of his own accord.
He was hesitating again, and she found herself thinking, for the second time, that she really hoped he would answer her this time.
If he would just say he would not do this again, or at least give some reason she could understand, she would feel much better.
Perhaps then the confusion in her heart would settle.
Perhaps she could go back to how things had been before—to the time when all that mattered was saving Lee Hyun.
"I don’t really know either... I just, I just couldn’t stop thinking about you."
At his answer, Yi-ryeong’s head sank.
She barely managed to suppress the sigh rising in her chest.
It was the worst answer she had been afraid of, spoken aloud from his mouth.
He could neither leave her alone nor give her any kind of explanation.
I don’t know.
What an irresponsible thing to say.
Did he have any idea how difficult he was making things for her?
And if even he didn’t know, then who on earth was she supposed to ask for the answer? The frustration was maddening.
His manner of speaking bothered her just as much.
He did not seem much older than she was, and yet he used a speech pattern that sounded as though it belonged to a child or a woman.
He hadn’t spoken like that to the man he traveled with, so why was he doing it to her?
Lowering her gaze, she noticed his long hair.
Following those strands, black as midnight, her eyes rose to his face.
She could see it then—conflict, confusion.
Yi-ryeong realized that the man was wrestling with something.
Why?
Why was he the one shaking her up, only to be caught in turmoil himself?
Was he in a situation similar to hers?
The thought came to Yi-ryeong all at once, though she did not even know his name.
Maybe, like her, he was simply someone who had fallen into a confusion he never wanted.
Maybe he and she were both victims of a whirlpool neither of them had chosen.
It was a stretch, perhaps too much of one, but Yi-ryeong could only explain it to herself that way.
Just to make herself accept it.
The man stood slumped against the wall.
Something about him gave her a faint sense of kinship.
For a moment, the thought even flashed through her that if this man heard her situation, he might understand and step back without complaint.
"Young master, I am someone who has things I must do."
When she spoke, his eyes met hers.
Eyes full of questions.
"There is a child I must save, no matter what."
"...A child?"
Yi-ryeong disliked telling others about what she and Hyun had been through, but this time she told herself it could not be helped.
"A precious child who means everything to me. We haven’t spent long together, but I mean it with all my heart. So..."
Before she could say that he should leave her alone, the man cut her off.
"...I understand."
It was so sudden that it seemed to come out of nowhere.
He understood? Understood what?
Did he understand her situation? How could he?
It was an odd thing to say, but his expression was even stranger.
His face lit up so obviously that it was the closest thing to happiness she had seen from him in days.
Why?
Why was he pleased by what she had said?
Yi-ryeong replayed her own words in her head.
It had all been an explanation of her relationship with Lee Hyun.
No matter how hard she thought about it, there was nothing there that should have made him happy.
"You understand? Then you also understand that you're getting in the way of my business?"
The cool words escaped her before she could stop them, colored by her confusion.
But the man’s expression remained bright.
As if he were ready to accept anything she said.
"I understand that too, now."
The look in his eyes, which had been dripping with lingering attachment, had already cleared.
Yi-ryeong could see her own reflection in them.
By contrast, her own feelings grew even more tangled as she looked into those eyes.
She still did not know what his understanding meant.
At last, she hurriedly looked away, and saw that his face had softened even more than before.
It was completely unlike the expression he had worn earlier, full of yearning and stiffness.
No, that was not enough to describe it.
For a moment, she even had the absurd impression that he was smiling.
She had never imagined that he might ever wear such an expression.
The man opened his mouth.
"I’m sorry for bothering you."
Yi-ryeong no longer had anything more to say.
"I won’t come here again, so don’t worry."
He let her go of his own accord.
It was exactly what she had wanted, and yet now an inexplicable frustration pressed down on her instead.
This man was always like this.
He shook her up completely, then decided everything for himself and came to terms with it alone.
Yi-ryeong disliked that, so she glared at him, but it had no effect whatsoever.
He only looked back at her in silence.
Yi-ryeong found that gaze difficult to bear, and yet she could not look away.
Even she did not know why.
It only felt as though she had to stay and face it.
After staring into those black eyes for a long while, the man spoke again.
"Instead, promise me one thing. Promise that no matter how that child changes, you won’t give up on him."
Why was he saying something like that?
There was no way this man knew Lee Hyun.
He could not possibly understand what that boy meant to her.
And yet his sincerity cut through every question and reached her all the same.
Yi-ryeong slowly nodded.
"...That’s only natural."
He let out a small breath of relief.
Even the corners of his mouth, rising little by little, looked relieved.
This time, it was not an illusion.
It was a smile that felt strangely familiar, and painfully nostalgic.
Something surged up from the depths of her chest.
It was a feeling that was ticklish and yet utterly strange.
Yi-ryeong forced herself to ignore the strange fluttering in her heart.
It was a feeling she still could not admit to herself—and should not have admitted even if she could.
·
·
·
When Yi-ryeong returned to her quarters, Hye-rin was there to meet her.
Just as expected, Namgung Seonwu’s promise that they would have time alone had been a lie.
The moment Yi-ryeong started to speak in hurt outrage, Hye-rin beat her to it.
"Cloud Bell, how did it go?"
"How did it go...? How did what go?"
Hye-rin broke into a bright little smile.
At that smile, someone came to Yi-ryeong’s mind.
It was not as dazzling as this one, but it belonged to the person who had made her heart waver.
She was trying to erase him from her mind before those strange feelings rose again, when Hye-rin said,
"Oh, come on, you know. How was it with that man?"
So that was what she meant. How very like Hye-rin to ask a question like that.
Yi-ryeong had expected it, so she did not waver.
"Nothing happened that should interest you."
"What? No way. Cloud Bell, I saw it clearly! You and that man were staring at each other!"
That much was certainly true.
Even Yi-ryeong herself did not know why.
What was even more puzzling was how Hye-rin had known.
"...Hye-rin, you saw us?"
The murderous chill in Yi-ryeong’s tone made Hye-rin tremble all over.
"Ugh... I’m sorry! But I just couldn’t help it..."
Yi-ryeong decided to forgive her this once.
She was not truly angry to begin with, and more importantly, her mood was actually quite good right now.
"Hye-rin, don’t do that next time. And really, nothing happened. That man said he wouldn’t come again, anyway."
At that, Hye-rin looked disappointed.
"You know my circumstances too, Hye-rin."
"Still, I really thought even you might go along with it this time. It really did feel like that kind of mood."
Did she really look that different from usual to other people?
That was what came to Yi-ryeong’s mind as she watched Hye-rin cling to her.
⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎
On the way back to the inn with So-cheon, Jang Il asked,
"So how did it go?"
What on earth had happened to make him look so lighthearted?
Jang Il was almost envious of him.
"I let her go."
Only one sentence, yet Jang Il could feel the change in emotion hidden inside it.
"You let her go? Wow, you really sound like some enlightened Taoist master. Or maybe a monk who’s reached nirvana."
"Nothing like that. I only let her go because I knew we would meet again someday."
To answer him at such length!
Jang Il began to worry in earnest that So-cheon might have eaten something strange.
"Well, I don’t really know what you mean, but if things worked out, then I’m happy too."
To be precise, he was just happy at the thought of getting a free meal from his friend as a celebration of things going well.
For Jang Il, that was all that mattered.