Do You Love Me?
“Still, it looks like the two of you are managing to live together decently.” As soon as my niece left the room for a moment, Mom opened her mouth. She quietly offered her impressions of the way we were living.
“I worried so much. The child has been through such hard times that I didn’t know what to do. Why wouldn’t she talk much at first? Looking back, it really was a blessing that you took her in.”
“Just… well, I suppose so.” I answered awkwardly at the sudden compliment.
In truth, there were many things I wanted to throw back at Mom. She had thrown a fit the moment she heard I intended to look after my niece, yet now she was playing grandmother. As if that could soothe the scars left in my niece’s heart. On top of that, she and my mother-in-law had even schemed together. Thanks to them, everything had blown up. Was she suggesting I should have simply abandoned the girl who had lost her parents? It made my blood boil.
The mood is pleasant right now. No point in picking a fight over it.
Besides, my own feelings were far too complicated for me to proudly claim any credit. Lately I kept suspecting myself, wondering whether I was harboring emotions toward my niece that went beyond what an uncle should feel. I no longer took her jokes as mere jokes. I worried that I was reading my own meaning into her simple acts of affection.
If that was true, then what I could do for my niece was… perhaps to leave her side right now. So we could remain a proper uncle and niece. Before I hurt her. Even if it had to be right this moment.
“But once you get married, the story changes. I know it’s annoying to keep hearing it. Still, you’re not blind. Yerin and Min-a. Leaving the two of them together won’t end well.”
“I know. I do, too.”
The conversation that had been blooming between us eventually turned into nothing but complaints about Min-a. The very people who once claimed they hated speaking ill of others behind their backs all sang in chorus the moment I voiced my grievances. That she was like this. That Sungmo had that flaw. Which part was unsatisfactory, which part was a complaint. Especially my niece seemed to have been waiting for exactly this chance; she spoke with genuine excitement. How Min-a made life miserable for her Samchon, how watching it from the side made her stomach twist.
“But we can’t just leave the child by herself.”
“Then what exactly do you plan to do?”
“Well… I’ll think about that when the time comes.”
“When the time comes? When is that supposed to be? You’ve lived long enough to know how fast time passes. Next year will be here before you know it. Soon Yerin will take the Suneung. Then waiting for acceptance letters, it’ll be the year after that. Full-scale marriage preparations will keep you busy, so you should think it over now while you still have even a little breathing room.”
“Sigh… I’ll handle it myself. Let’s not throw a fit over something that hasn’t even happened yet.”
Just as a hostile atmosphere began to thicken between mother and son, the bathroom door opened.
“What are you two talking about so intently?” My niece stepped out. She playfully rubbed her damp hands across the back of mine. “Hmm… just. This and that…”
“Yerin. What do you plan to do?”
“Pardon?”
I had been trying to gloss over it when Mom cut straight to the point.
“I’m asking what you intend to do after your Samchon gets married. Honestly, commuting from the new home would put Sungmo in an awkward position, wouldn’t it?”
“Why should I watch her mood? There’s no need. Min-a has to understand, too. Everyone has their own circumstances.”
“This child. How can that be as simple as you make it sound? Besides, it’s a newlywed home. We should hear Yerin’s thoughts as well. What would you like to do?”
“It’s fine. You don’t need to worry about it. Just study hard. Samchon will take care of everything else.”
I didn’t want to burden my niece with worries. That it was because of her. That she had become a burden. I was terrified she might start thinking that way. My niece should simply… remain my sister’s daughter… without a single worry. She should have the ordinary concerns any girl her age would have—what cosmetics were good, what clothes to wear tomorrow. I wanted her to live happily with such ordinary thoughts. So that one day, when I met my sister in heaven, I could smile and tell her that her daughter was happy, that her brother-in-law’s daughter was doing well.
“I… just want to live with Samchon… It’s comfortable with him…” My niece’s voice trailed off.
“There’s no need to say it. Just stay.”
“Then after Samchon gets married?”
“Then… if Sungmo tells me to leave, I suppose I’ll have to go.”
“Or we can put it off until you graduate. Mom said it herself—time flies. There won’t be any great disaster if I wait until my niece graduates before getting married.”
“This child. Say something that makes sense. Everything was already decided for next year. How can you talk about postponing it now?”
“Then what do you want me to do? Mom, please stop already. What kind of grandmother tells her own granddaughter to get out?”
Our voices rose between us. In the end, it always came to this. In the end, my mother and I would fight and snarl at each other. We would only claw at each other’s hearts, part ways in irritation, and leave fresh wounds behind.
“No… I’m not telling her to get out. When did I ever say that? Think about the situation. Yerin can live in a dormitory or at her grandmother’s house. We have to consider the options.”
“She said she doesn’t want to. Mom’s granddaughter. Your own daughter’s daughter. She doesn’t want to. What exactly have you been hearing all this time to keep saying things like that? Please!”
I shouted. I didn’t want to show such an ugly sight in front of my niece. Her grandmother and her Samchon. The people who should have been her strongest support—because of her.
“Sigh… You should think carefully, too. Honestly, that Min-a. With that wealthy family behind her. If you ask her to wait, do you really think she’ll obediently wait? She’ll probably just break up with you. Given our circumstances. Given your circumstances, you should meet a good woman and marry well, yet you keep complicating everything… Sigh. Fine. I won’t say another word.”
My stomach churned and my head throbbed. It seemed I wouldn’t sleep peacefully tonight either. I simply wanted to end this suffocating gathering as quickly as possible.
My niece, caught between us, fidgeted restlessly and only watched our expressions. I hurried after Mom as she left and saw her off. Had I been alone, I probably would have hurled the side dishes she brought and started yelling.
“Sigh… Seriously.” The sighs kept coming. I clutched my head and squeezed the air from my lungs. If I could just exhale a huge breath, maybe the stifling weight lodged deep in my chest would finally leave.
I sighed again. Nothing changed.
“……I’m sorry. It’s because of me.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just… Mom making a scene.”
Hearing my niece’s dispirited voice only irritated me more. It was simply… hard. Simply painful. I simply… didn’t know. What I should do, how I should do it. No clear answer appeared.
“Yerin.”
“……Yes.”
“Just… do you want to sleep together tonight? If I don’t act a little spoiled with you… I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep at all.”
“Okay. If Samchon wants to.”
My niece sat down beside me. My niece, a full head shorter than me. So much younger than me. So much more fragile. The one I had to protect. The one I had to make happy—my niece. My sister’s daughter. The person I treasured most in this world.
Slowly, as if collapsing, I rested my head on my niece’s lap. I felt her gaze looking down at me. Her eyes were brimming with tears that looked ready to spill at any moment.
“Why are you crying?”
“I’m not crying.”
“Then what’s that by your eyes? Tsk. I don’t remember raising you to be a liar.”
“Tears have to fall before it counts as crying. They’re still holding back. Samchon.”
Her voice trembled with suppressed sobs as she called my name. Shaking. Fragile and trembling.
“If I’m a burden… should I just leave? Grandma wasn’t wrong. After Samchon gets married… I’m just a burden.”
“Who said you’re a burden?”
“Just… even when I think about it… if I weren’t here…”
“Hey.”
“Ouch!”
This time I pinched her cheek with a little more strength. The soft flesh of her face caught between my fingers.
“I told you not to talk nonsense. I absolutely do not think that way. Say something like that one more time and see what happens.”
“Then… what will you do, Samchon?”
“Either I really wait until you graduate, or I marry you and take you with me.”
“Will both be permitted?”
“There’s no need to ask for permission. If they can’t understand… then they simply can’t.”
“I don’t want you to break up because of me.”
“Good grief. Before, you said it wasn’t love. Acting just like your Sungmo. If you can’t understand even that, then that’s what isn’t love. Don’t you think?”
“I don’t know. I already told you I don’t understand love well either.”
I eased the pressure in my fingers that had been pinching her cheek and gently brushed her hair behind her ear. The silky strands fluttered, swaying in time with my touch.
“Samchon.”
“What?”
“Samchon… do you love me?”
The eyes looking up at me trembled. I realized it again—my niece really did have beautiful eyes. If I kept staring, I might drown in them. They were so large and clear that foolish fantasies surfaced.
“I love you. You’re my niece.”
“I see. Then what about Sungmo?”
“I love Min-a, too.”
“Grandma as well?”
“Grandma too. Yes, Mom too. Our sister too. Our company, the CEO, the employees, even our clients—I love them all.”
As I stroked her hair, the hard knot that had formed in my chest slowly began to unravel. The pain that had lodged there like a thorn melted away.
“I see… I love you too, Samchon. I love my friends, and Grandma, and Mom and Dad who are in heaven.”
Pfft. We, who had been on the verge of tears only moments ago, looked at each other and smiled.