I Can't Read My Niece's Mind
I can't read my niece's intentions. Why would she say something like that to me? I know she doesn't like Min-a, but does she really have to keep pressing the issue?
"Yerin... You don't understand. Min-a is a really good woman. Sure, the way she expresses her love can feel a bit over the top, but..."
I started defending my wife, half because my niece seemed to hate her Sungmo too much, half because I felt I had to. I fumbled for words, listing my woman's good points. That she loves her man. That even if it makes her overly possessive, even if it leaves her barely able to breathe, it's still because she loves me. Because everything she does is for me alone, I'm a happy man.
"Haa, Samchon. That's not what I asked. When did I say I wanted to hear you defending that woman?"
My niece furrowed her brow. When I reached out to smooth the crease between her eyebrows, she growled and tried to bite my fingers.
"Just answer my question. If I tell you to break up, will you?"
"If you say something like that... Of course I'd think it over, but... breaking up would still be hard. Rather than that, I'd wonder why you said it, and how I could change your mind. We'd talk it through together. Because both Min-a and you are precious to me."
"Wow... That's such a model-student answer. Just picking the kind of line I've heard somewhere before."
"You sound just like your Sungmo."
"Huh? Suddenly? Why? What did that woman say?"
"She said I sound like a stuffy scholar."
"To someone else's Samchon? Why? Who does she think she is? Tell that ajumma she's a thug."
"She must've had her reasons for saying it. And stop calling your Sungmo 'that woman' so rudely. What if you slip up and say it in front of Min-a later?"
I thought I could brush it off with a joke, turn it into casual uncle-niece banter.
"But... Samchon. Shouldn't you do what I say? If I tell you to break up, you break up. If I say I hate something, you hate it too."
But my niece wasn't letting it go. She kept gnawing at the tail of her own words.
"Stop messing around. What, are you my mom now?"
Even as I tried to dismiss it as nothing more than my niece's affection...
"Still... I'm your niece, aren't I?"
For some reason, she kept saying strange things. That she was my niece.
"If it's not me, who else would dare tell you to break up?"
So I had to listen only to her.
"Who gets to decide who Samchon can love, or even what Samchon is allowed to think?"
She wanted me to think only what she told me to think. Love only who she told me to love. Move only how she told me to move. I didn't know what answer my niece wanted.
"And if you're going to bring up Mom, then what about Grandma? Seriously, how old are you, Samchon? How long are you going to listen to your mom?"
Now I couldn't even tell what she wanted from me, or what she was trying to make me do... at all.
"You don't need to think about it. In the first place, there's no one else but me."
My niece climbed onto my lap. A girl a full head shorter than me, my much younger niece, pinned me down, and all I could do was sit there with a stupid expression.
"So just do what I tell you. That's what makes you a good Samchon. Got it?"
She stroked my hair. Every time I see her, I'm struck by how much she resembles her mother. The smile she gives me. The way she reaches for me.
"Ow! Why'd you hit me?"
"You little... I spoil you too much and you try to climb all the way over my head."
If I'd stayed dumb and blank like that, I would've become a fool who only listened to my niece. Good thing I'd been trained by a fierce woman like Min-a. I still couldn't figure out where that ridiculous attitude came from. Surely her father hadn't been like that.
"Tch. If I get dumber because of you, Samchon, are you gonna take responsibility? If I can't get into college, are you gonna take responsibility for that too?"
Even after the light flick on the forehead, my niece rubbed the spot furiously, throwing a fit.
"Such a drama queen."
"It's not drama, so blow on it. Hurry."
"Hoo."
"I didn't mean say 'hoo,' I meant blow on it with your mouth. You killed all my brain cells. Because of you, Samchon, I can't go to college now. You ruined everything. From now on I'm just going to stick to your side and do nothing."
She bickered and complained, listing all her grievances against me. She really is funny when you look at her.
"I didn't even hit you that hard. Stop whining. You're going to wake up the people downstairs."
"Here, look. It's red. What does it matter how hard you hit? I'm the one who feels the pain."
"Yes, yes. I'm terribly sorry."
Finally giving in to her nagging, I leaned in. She lifted her hair and offered her forehead. Her skin was so clear that under the living-room light it only sparkled; there was nothing to see.
"I can't even tell where you mean."
When I stroked her forehead, my niece quietly closed her eyes.
"Then just look and do whatever you think is best. My whole head hurts so much I'm dying."
"Hoo. Hoo."
This time properly, matching her childishness, I blew warm breath onto her forehead. ...Wait a second.
Thinking about it, it was a strange scene. A niece clinging to her Samchon's chest, and the Samchon holding her tight while blowing on her face. Anyone who saw us would think it odd; no matter how you tried to explain it, there was nothing to say. I pulled my hands away from her back.
Then... tap. My niece lowered her head and pressed her forehead to my lips.
"...Why?"
When she opened her eyes again, her cheeks were bright red. Embarrassed by what she'd done, she shrank her neck and looked away. Even though I knew, as her Samchon, I should point out her behavior, I still... kiss. Kissed her cheek.
"!"
Before I knew it, my lips were on my niece's cheek. Telling myself that a little skinship was fine between a close uncle and niece, I kissed her cheek again, her forehead again. Kiss after kiss after kiss. Only after her cheeks had gone from flushed to burning red did I finally let go of her.
"Now... you should go in and sleep. You've got school again tomorrow..."
"Yes... You too, Samchon... sleep well..."
The distance between us, which I'd always thought was close, twisted. In a way no one should ever think about. Slowly. But very clearly.
Haa. What have I done? What the hell did I just do to my niece? Tonight, too, I'd obviously be staring at the ceiling until morning. Self-loathing filled my chest as I covered my face with both hands and let out a heavy sigh.
What the hell was the meaning of that, you piece of trash.
Just because my niece started joking around first, so I was just responding in kind? Lies. When my lips touched her cheek, when I kept pressing kiss after kiss there, I couldn't be sure there hadn't been any dark intentions in my heart. I couldn't be confident we hadn't both been disappointed that our lips hadn't met.
"Shit..."
Barely audible, I muttered the curse and slapped my own cheek. I struck my face with my palm, swung my fist at myself, and thrashed. Because I didn't understand my own heart. Because I couldn't sort out these feelings, it hurt.
What... should I do?
For my niece's sake, maybe I should just leave. So she could be with her mother, or at least some trustworthy adult. Someone who could protect her until she could stand on her own as an adult. Not a human-garbage Samchon like me. Just... disappear. Vanish from my niece's mind forever. Become someone who left no trace that a Samchon had ever existed.
I want to escape.
Or maybe falling asleep forever wouldn't be so bad either. Clutching this pain. With some excuse I could slap on as punishment. Anything. If there was any way to run from this suffocating feeling, I'd take it. If there was anything I could do to resolve the guilt in my heart, I'd do it.
"......Samchon."
Lying on the sofa with my head in my hands, I heard a voice calling me. I couldn't tell if it was a dream or reality. I wished I'd actually been asleep. Wished everything that had just happened was a dream. That the feelings I'd had for my niece could be dismissed as a nightmare and filed away. That when morning came I'd wake up and treat it as a simple incident.
"Samchon. Samchon."
But the voice calling me, the footsteps approaching, only grew clearer. There was no sign it was a dream.
"I know you're not sleeping. You're the one who can't sleep properly without me around."
"......What."
Still pretending to be asleep. Pretending she'd woken me, I covered my face with my arm and made my voice hoarse.
"If I do well on the Suneung, grant me one wish."
"A wish...? What?"
"If I tell you now, what fun is that? Just say you'll grant it. I won't ask for anything too ridiculous."
"......Anything except telling me to break up with your Sungmo."
"I already said I wouldn't ask for anything ridiculous. Anyway, I'll take that as a yes."
"......Fine. Go to sleep."
"Good night."
I heard her footsteps retreating again. Then suddenly, pat-pat-pat. Like she was heading to the bathroom, they quickened. Just when it seemed like there was no more sound, tap.
"A thank-you kiss."
She touched the part of my face my arm hadn't managed to cover. When I startled awake, my niece had already turned and was running back to her room.