Chapter 1
Chapter 1
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Translator: uly
Chapter: 1
Chapter Title: How to Steal the Hero's Woman
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There's such a thing as protagonists in this world.
Everything revolves around them, and whatever they do carries meaning, changing the world around them.
An absolute, unchanging law.
No matter how hard extras like us struggle, we can never etch our names into history or become objects of admiration for the world's people.
...It's unfair.
Why?
Are we doomed to spend our lives powerlessly watching from behind as they achieve greatness?
I used to think that way, too. After all, I was nothing more than cosmic dust, not even a side character.
Until recently...
***
"Haah... honey! It feels so good!"
"Haa, I love it too, fuck yeah!"
"Haah, haah! Yours feels amazing!"
The room, dimly lit by soft lights, was filled with the frivolous moans of a man and a woman.
The spacious room brimmed with luxurious furniture, and the bed was draped in curtains, revealing only their silhouettes.
But no one would fail to recognize what they were doing.
The woman, flaunting her voluptuous figure in front of the man, rocked her hips up and down.
The man matched her rhythm, thrusting his hips in sync.
"Honeyyy! I'm gonna cum!"
"Haa, haa. Me too!"
"Haah! It's even more exciting now! Cum! Cum inside me!"
Anyone seeing them would think they were lovers-no, a couple overflowing with affection.
There was no trace of worry about pregnancy in the woman's movements.
She simply shook her upper body faster for her beloved man's pleasure.
But they never reached their climax.
BAM!!
"Kyaaack!"
"..."
A massive explosion rocked the room. Then, amid the ringing in their ears, an intruder's voice rang out.
Beeeep...
"You fucking bastard! I'll kill you!!"
The sturdy, ornate door crumpled to the floor amid the blast.
The woman who had been straddling the man shrank back behind him in terror.
The man lying there regarded the intruder with a calm expression.
As if he'd known this was coming...
'This should buy enough time.'
The intruder's appearance in the man's eyes was different from what others saw.
=======
Name: Pell Lorenz
Occupation: Director of Future Crime Prevention Bureau.
-Traits-
[Supreme Brainwashing], [Arrogance], [Mechanical Engineering Proficiency] LV 94], [Biology Understanding] LV 98], [Physics... [Absolute Premature Ejaculation]
=======
In the man's eyes, the intruder's name and abilities were laid bare.
Abilities no ordinary person could achieve in a lifetime of effort.
Pushing through the thick smoke, the intruder was Pell Lorenz.
The man who brought peace to this world...
"You piece of trash! I'll kill you!!"
The protagonist.
This place was Planet WX-9823, boasting the highest level of public safety with a 0% crime rate.
And the architect of that perfect order was Pell Lorenz.
He collected biometric big data from every person in the world-from unborn fetuses to the long-dead elderly-and predicted every crime with 100% accuracy, apprehending perpetrators in advance.
On this planet, Pell Lorenz was... the real protagonist.
Until the man beside his wife appeared...
Pell Lorenz aimed his gun at the man.
It was a futuristic thick-barreled pistol-the very one that had just demolished the door.
A weapon that could score a double kill if fired now.
"N-No! Don't shoot! Honey!"
"Urk!"
The woman who had been hiding behind the man threw herself in front of him as the gun swung his way.
Splush~
Her elastic breasts jiggled like a dancer's wave.
Pell Lorenz had seen the sight many times before, but he felt blood rushing to his groin.
The stunning woman was Pell Lorenz's wife, Helena.
"How could you... How could you do this?! I loved you so much!"
"..."
Helena said nothing.
There was no guilt whatsoever on her face.
"How... How could you show that side of yourself-the side you never showed me-to that trash?!"
"Because you-!"
Helena shouted back at the man instead.
"You're a premature ejaculator-how could you make that face?!"
"What?!"
"Three thrusts? Three?! Even a mouse lasts longer! Huh?!"
"H-How could you say... something like that..."
"Eek! Eeeeek!!!"
Pell Lorenz's features twisted, his face swelling red as if it might burst.
Helena pressed him harder to shake off her guilt over the affair.
"Your whole life: three thrusts, three thrusts, and if you're in good shape, maybe five! I'm not some rodent-do I have to put up with that squirrely sex every time?! Huh?!"
"H-How could you... say such things..."
Pell Lorenz's trait: [Absolute Premature Ejaculation].
As the trait implied, Pell Lorenz had everything-except the ability to satisfy a woman.
The man on the bed turned his head and chuckled inwardly.
'Heh heh, it's hilarious every time... What, no eternal ring or something...'
===
King of Premature Ejaculation: Cockring Expedition
Pell Lorenz obtains the legendary cockring said to overcome premature ejaculation. But it only accelerates it-a cursed item.
King of Premature Ejaculation: Two Testicles
To remove the cockring, Pell Lorenz visits the two top urology clinics.
But the rival clinics, each claiming supremacy, compete by fixing one testicle each. (No, just remove the damn cockring.)
King of Premature Ejaculation: Thrust Returns
After their failures leave him with two empty sacks, Pell Lorenz learns he must climb Mount Glans of Destiny and toss the cockring into the lava.
He reaches the peak, and the cockring suddenly loosens.
But witnessing the white lava erupting from Mount Glans, Pell Lorenz can't forget the pleasure of premature bliss and heads home with it on.
===
'Am I hearing things? Something weird just rang in my ears...'
The man picked at his ear while grinning at Pell Lorenz.
Pell Lorenz stared at his wife in dazed despair. His wife, Helena, was famous for her perfect support.
There was a famous saying on this planet:
[Pell Lorenz's success was possible only because of Helena.]
Even the arrogant Pell Lorenz always acknowledged that.
He truly loved her.
Helena had always been the perfect wife to him, supporting him with utmost sincerity.
Always gentle, always considerate.
The problem was that Pell Lorenz never saw his premature ejaculation as an issue because of her kindness.
She acted like she enjoyed it, so he assumed she did.
With his intellect and the planet's technology, he could have fixed it-but he never had the time to care.
[Arrogance]
That trait was the problem.
He didn't even think his quick finishes were an issue.
He assumed his wife was happy sharing his bed.
"You... How could you... How..."
"..."
Pell Lorenz felt dizziness wash over him, nausea rising. The humiliation from the wife he truly loved was too much for his body to bear.
At that moment...
Zzzap!
"Krahhh!"
"Kyaa!"
Pell Lorenz convulsed and pitched forward.
Three drones burst through the door, a mechanical voice booming through the room.
-Pell Lorenz. You are under emergency arrest for Level 1 murder and corpse disposal, special arson, special theft, high treason, prison escape, and 72 counts of terrorism.-
"Krahhh."
'No way! Why would I commit such crimes?!'
Pell Lorenz wanted to scream his innocence, but the electric shock silenced him.
Even Helena seemed incredulous as she protested.
"N-No way! My husband would never commit such acts!"
"Ah, no way!"
"?"
The man behind her feigned clumsy surprise, and Helena turned to look.
"Level 1 murder and corpse disposal... You don't mean us, do you?"
"N-No way!"
Impressed by the man's dramatic reading skills, Helena turned back to her husband with wide eyes.
'N-No!! I never intended to kill you!!'
Zzzap zzzap.
"I-I... Hrrk!"
Pell Lorenz tried to plead with his twisted tongue, but another shock hit him.
-By authority of the Future Crime Prevention Bureau, summary judgment has been passed. Director Pell Lorenz, your impending crimes threaten national survival and public safety. Given the severity, you are sentenced to 7,283,335 years imprisonment.-
'Don't make me laugh! I created you bastards!!!'
These drones were his own invention.
The latest in security drones, designed to neutralize criminals instantly.
But they didn't care who their creator was.
One drone approached the bed.
-We apologize for entering without permission due to the threat to your lives. The state will compensate for all damages...
"S-So... he really meant to kill us?"
-Yes. But rest assured-your lives are now safe.-
"That man..."
-Pell Lorenz was also detected attempting escape. His spinal nervous system will be fully removed, leaving him paralyzed for life in Sorandus Prison, unable to even twitch a finger. No need to fear retaliation.-
"S-Sorandus..."
At the name Sorandus, Helena paled.
Pell Lorenz, already ashen, wore an expression of utter despair.
'No way! Why me! Why!!!'
Sorandus Prison was no ordinary facility.
It housed future worst offenders, stripping them of all nervous systems and leaving them as vegetables for life.
A graveyard for the living.
That was Sorandus Prison.
And ironically, its creator was Pell Lorenz-himself.
The drones finished explaining and began restraining him.
"Uwaaaang! Uuup!"
As Pell Lorenz thrashed grotesquely, the three drones latched on, binding his face, upper body, and lower body separately.
Guilt flickering in her eyes, Helena could only watch in stunned silence.
The man behind her smirked sinisterly at the restrained Pell Lorenz, then embraced Helena from behind.
Flustered by his actions, Helena didn't know what to do.
"H-Honey..."
"It's all over anyway-shall we finish?"
"N-Now? Hnng. Mmph."
Still hugging her from behind, he gently gripped one breast with his left hand and teased her mound with his right.
Forgetting Pell Lorenz in front of her, Helena turned her head for a kiss.
'You fucking bastards!!!'
With restraints complete, Pell Lorenz could only watch and listen with his eyes and ears as they caressed each other.
Yet the thing attached to his lower body swelled with blood, ready to burst.
The drones lifted the bound Pell Lorenz and flew out of the room.
'Uwaaaaa!!! Fuck!!!!'
Pell Lorenz.
Whether he counted it fortunate not to see their coupling to the end or a lifelong regret-only he would know.
***
"Hoo..."
I opened my eyes to find myself inside a cylindrical machine filled with blue lights.
Shhhk.
The iron door slid open with a mechanical whir.
And there to greet me was a silver-haired beauty with a bob cut.
"Good work, sir."
"Yeah, this one was really tough."
Her name was Armonia, the head overseer of all facilities here.
Her expressionless face was her trademark-I'd never seen even the slightest change.
Dressed in a captain's uniform, Armonia stepped aside to let me out comfortably.
As I exited the cylinder, I said brightly,
"How'd it go this time? Any word from the client?"
"Yes. They contacted us the same day Pell Lorenz was apprehended. They were impressed by your skills beyond expectations, thanked us, and even sent extra payment."
"Oh yeah~"
Thrilled, I headed to my office, Armonia following behind.
She walked beside me, giving her report and recapping my actions.
"Purchasing the [Omni-Hacking] trait to manipulate the bureau's data was a brilliant move, but I never expected you'd drag Pell Lorenz down that far."
"Heh heh, but I used up so much Enel that it was a pain."
In truth, Pell Lorenz's crimes never existed.
I bought the [Omni-Hacking] trait with the divine resource [Enel].
Then I hacked the Future Crime Prevention Bureau-a fortress of data-and stuffed it full of fabricated crimes for Pell Lorenz.
Nothing Enel can't do.
Armonia asked curiously,
"Were you bothered by sharing the same trait?"
"Nah. You mean [Sociopath]?"
"Yes."
Pell Lorenz's trait.
[Sociopath].
Ironically...
=======
Name: Seong Su-ho
-Traits-
[Composure], [King of Provocation], [Flexible Coping],... [Sociopath]
=======
I had it too.
Armonia seemed to think I'd gone that far out of tribal hatred for a kindred spirit.
"No way I'd go that far just over a shared trait."
"Then..."
"I can't let anyone talk to me like that and get away with it."
We'd taken a commission: plunge Pell Lorenz into despair.
I recalled first meeting him, disguised as a researcher.
-Are you married?
-No, not yet.
-Good. Haha.
-?
-Yeah, someone with inferior genes like you shouldn't marry-for the world's sake. Haha, stay single forever. For humanity.-
-...-
Pell Lorenz spewed that crap at every employee.
He treated marriage and reproduction as privileges for superiors like himself, looking down on everyone.
[Absolute Premature Ejaculation]
"Even falling into a volcano crater, he thrusts and cums..."
"Pardon?"
"Nothing."
What he said to others was none of my business...
But he said it to me.
If Pell Lorenz hadn't talked to me that way, I'd have stopped at getting him locked up. But that's in the past.
I showed no mercy.
According to Armonia's report, Pell Lorenz's spinal nerves were removed-he'd spend eternity in Sorandus as a living corpse, unable to speak or move till death.
Aaaah, perfect.
I stopped before a massive mechanical door with an electronic sign.
[COO Office]
Armonia finished her report and bowed.
"I'll notify you immediately of the next commission."
"Sure thing."
I entered the office alone.
Unlike the iron-clad corridors outside, the interior was lavish.
I dove onto the bed inside.
Grinning widely, I thought of Helena.
"Heh heh. She was one hell of a woman this time."
My name is Seong Su-ho.
COO here.
Armonia suddenly summoned me, begging me to revive this place, and I've been working hard.
What do I do?
You saw it.
Steal protagonists' women and shatter their minds.
That's the job of me,
the COO of [NTL Corporation].