Chapter 238: Whose Son I Am (3)
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 238: Whose Son I Am (3)
Contradiction.
Two different perspectives on a single situation.
Sispanian wished to understand everything, and in doing so, she had fully grasped Calian’s aching heart. Yet she had told him to feel only a little wronged. She, who grieved over not being forgotten, found it difficult to understand his grief over being forgotten.
It was a contradiction even she could not fully comprehend.
And yet, it was something Calian understood completely.
“Are you all right?”
Did Yan know what his sister had come to confirm? He had approached as the Duke’s eldest son, interrupting the conversation between a prince and his sister before dragging her away. What more had they discussed? What kind of expression had he worn?
And why did he still know nothing about me?
“No.”
Instead of letting his tangled thoughts continue, Calian replied with a small smile.
“I’m not all right.”
After Demirea left, Yan had come to check on him. At Calian’s words, Yan’s face turned as pale as milk.
He hadn’t believed Calian when he’d said he was fine, yet he believed him instantly when he said he wasn’t. Finding this amusing, Calian let out a slightly louder chuckle.
“Did Rea say something? Was she rude?”
“It wasn’t that. Don’t worry.”
Dismissing his concern, Calian stared blankly at Yan for a moment.
He had become Shiroian again.
But this time, unlike before, he had become Shiroian because Calian needed ‘someone he could scold as the Young Duchess of Siegfried.’
“Then why earlier…”
Calian, who had been about to ask why he had become Shiroian, shut his mouth.
Did he become Shiroian to interrupt my conversation with Demirea? Or did he interrupt because he had already become Shiroian? Folding the question away, Calian simply shook his head and changed the subject.
“I’m not all right for a different reason, so don’t blame Demirea.”
“That’s a relief. But why aren’t you all right?”
Because he was still Shiroian, he was slightly different from the Yan who would never ask about things Calian didn’t bring up first.
Calian noticed this but replied without showing it.
“I’m just tired for no reason. I think it’s because I couldn’t sleep.”
“See? I told you to rest. I’ll clear your afternoon schedule. Once we go back, do nothing and just rest.”
Yan, once again.
Yan, who doubted nothing.
Calian, who had restrained himself from asking about Yan’s circumstances, looked at the man who never questioned his own and made an abrupt remark.
“No matter how I think about it, you really are amusing.”
“Me? Amusing?”
“Yes. You are.”
“That’s a relief.”
Yan’s eyes sparkled, delighted without even wondering what was so amusing about him.
“I doubt anyone else would be so blindly happy to be called amusing.”
“If Your Highness is having a hard time, it’s enough that I can bring you some amusement. Do I need a reason beyond that?”
Calian now felt he understood why Suleiman had named the dog in the Siegfried territory ‘Yan.’ Still, naming a dog after his own son’s nickname seemed a bit much. But then he remembered Hatsuara, who had boldly named a newly built palace after his son, who still had a long life ahead of him. Recalling that, it strangely made sense.
After all, it was said that Hatsuara and Quetros, the first Duke of Siegfried, were close friends. And as they say, friends take after each other.
‘Maybe when I go to Camillon, I’ll name a dog Suleiman.’
Plotting revenge on Yan’s behalf, Calian let out a laugh as crisp as ice clinking in a glass—the kind of thought that would have made Sispanian click her tongue and say he was talking nonsense again.
“All right, I’ll rest today. I have too many thoughts. Warm me up a glass of milk.”
Having uttered words he might otherwise have never been able to say, Calian wore a pleased expression.
“Should I add some honey?”
“No. Just plain milk. Nothing sweet.”
“Yes. I’ll bring it right away. Also, Sir Bern came by while you were talking. I told him to wait in your room, but I’ll tell him to come back later.”
“Kyrie came at this hour?”
It was highly unusual for Kyrie to visit at such a time. Calian shook his head.
“I’ll go ahead and talk to him, so take your time.”
“Understood.”
Knowing that a conversation with Kyrie wouldn’t add to Calian’s fatigue, Yan replied obediently and took his leave.
Perhaps too many thoughts had swept through his mind in such a short time. Feeling a sudden, faint fever, Calian pressed a hand to his forehead for a moment before entering his room.
Standing before the sofa, the tall, pale blue-haired Kyrie offered his respects and spoke immediately.
“Why did you thank the Young Duchess without saying anything else?”
“You should state your business first, Kyrie.”
Trying not to nick Kyrie’s neck during a spar was one thing, but overlooking a breach of etiquette was another. Calian scolded him in a gentle voice.
At the correction from a prince who never let anything slide, Kyrie bowed his head in apology.
“I apologize. I came because I wanted to thank you for this.”
Kyrie held up the bracelet on his wrist. Since Calian had personally requested it from Alan, he recognized it instantly and asked warmly, “Does she like the gift?”
“Yes. She loves it. I told Hina to come and thank Your Highness in person once her duties are finished. More importantly…”
Though it was through an unfamiliar method, Kyrie knew Hina was now able to speak. After sending her off, he had wiped his eyes and sought out Calian to express his gratitude.
And then, he had overheard.
“You should have explained it to the Young Duchess instead.”
That was why he had asked. Why had Calian merely listened to Demirea’s interrogation instead of just explaining?
“Explain what?”
Seeing Calian ask as if he truly didn’t know, Kyrie spoke again.
“Why Your Highness ended up in this situation. If you had explained that, the Young Duchess would have understood. There was no need to say you would bury it, only to let her…”
“Why should I be understood?”
Kyrie looked speechless. Calian wore a smile as he spoke again.
“I don’t recall committing any wrong against Demirea that requires explanation and understanding, Kyrie.”
Yan had said it.
Stop saying sorry so much.
Calian had refused, but that didn’t mean he would go around offering useless apologies everywhere else.
“Demirea spoke because Yan is more important to her. And I listened because I am more important to myself.”
Seeing the confusion in Kyrie’s eyes, Calian continued as if explaining.
“Demirea is someone who values Yan over any reasons I might have, and I am someone who values my own reasons more. Whatever the cause, I am the one who took over the body of the person who was everything to Yan, and I am the one who hid that fact. I selfishly shielded his eyes, telling him he only needed to see what he wanted to see of me, without giving him a proper chance to process and overcome it.”
“But wasn’t that a choice you made for the young master’s sake?”
“As you know, Yan is someone I need. You could sugarcoat it and say it was for Yan’s sake, but in the end, it was for my own. Demirea knew that, and she was simply reminding me to feel indebted to Yan, not to herself. Since what we value is different, I don’t see why Demirea should have to truly know and understand me.”
“Do you not remember that you were threatened?”
“Ah… right. So you see how deeply thoughtful my fiancée is.”
Calian spoke with sincere admiration, not sarcasm, as he walked over to sit on the sofa.
“If I were Demirea, instead of coming to ask questions and warn me, I would have sent Yan back to the Siegfried territory first. Then, I would have come back and simply killed the strange bastard who had been deceiving my own flesh and blood. Why bother listening to explanations when you don’t know what scheme he used to take over the body, or whether his words are even true? I’d just kill him.”
“That is a contradiction.”
He possessed a broad, almost meddlesome understanding of what had been done to him, yet he claimed he didn’t need Demirea’s understanding. Was that not a contradiction?
Confusion showed on Kyrie’s face, just as it had on Sispanian’s.
“…That sounds like you’re telling me to feel wronged because no one understands me. Don’t you start, too.”
Calian smiled, just as he had when facing Sispanian.
“If I refuse to understand and just let my grievances pile up, what does my life become? Even if I have to carry it all, groaning under the weight, I prefer breathing and living. It means I can protect the things I lost. Like Hina.”
Saying so, Calian looked at Kyrie’s bracelet with a gentle expression. It held his sister’s voice. Kyrie must cherish it deeply. As did Calian.
“So, I will feel only a little wronged, and only toward Serenti. You can treat me like a madman who lives in pain, but don’t turn me into a pitiful soul who feels wronged over things that aren’t unfair at all, Kyrie.”
Instead of apologizing for his hasty words, Kyrie nodded with a small smile. He now knew that Calian wouldn’t want him to feel sorry for his thoughts, either.
Calian smiled, like someone who had just washed away a great worry.
“My secrets won’t be discovered anymore. I suppose it’s a bit late, since everyone who needs to know already does, but getting burned once has snapped me back to my senses.”
He spoke with resolve, as if relieved.
“I must have felt too wronged. In the past.”
Serenti.
Since you stole an entire lifetime from me, I will never let you steal my second.
I still have so much to protect, and I will protect it all.
Yan, Hina, Kyrie, Randel’s heart, the Boiled Pea who only grumbles when told to live, and Chase, to whom I am only grateful and sorry. The body of the old Calian, and the soul of Bern.
And all those many promises.
And so, myself as well.
“I must live feeling only a little wronged. That way, I’ll have enough strength left to take it out on Serenti when we finally meet.”
Calian stood up, stretching, and headed toward the bedroom. Slipping under the covers, he looked at Kyrie and said, “If you have nothing else to do, watch over me for a bit. Don’t let anyone wake me. I want to sleep deeply.”
Especially so that the Boiled Pea, who had recently grown quite lively, wouldn’t come hovering around and disturb his long-awaited, sweet sleep.
Understanding his exact meaning, Kyrie replied with a knowing look.
“Yes, Your Highness.”
Nodding in gratitude, Calian drank the warm milk Yan brought him upon his return.
“Sleep well. Don’t worry about anything else.”
“All right. Thank you.”
It was warm, smooth, and sleep-inducing.
Calian smiled sleepily.
* * *
It was not a grand affair.
No crystal plates were erected in the square, nor were the Capital Guard and royal troops sent out to keep watch. No platform was set up.
Just as when Freya had been brought into the palace, the memorial ceremony was simplified and held within the royal palace grounds.
—It hasn’t even been a year since the incident with Silike. There is nothing to gain from making a loud affair of this.
This was Calian’s opinion.
In truth, he had said it because he wanted the memorial held as quickly as possible. The more preparations required, the further the date would be pushed back.
In exchange for granting his request, Lemain placed no restrictions on the attendance of the nobles. Furthermore, he designated Siegfried Hall as the venue.
“Official events that aren’t banquets are usually held in Senyu Hall. Holding it in Siegfried Hall is unusual.”
“His Majesty must have a lot on his mind lately.”
Was there any other place that so strongly evoked the relationship between Siegfried and Calian?
Calian, who had barely managed to swallow that last thought, looked into the mirror.
…Calian.
Perhaps because Freya’s memorial ceremony was drawing near, he was reminded of the child he had met in his dream on that first night.
After staring for a long time at the face that had changed so much since then—thanks to eating well and growing quickly—Calian spoke quietly.
“I used to hate mirrors.”
Surprised by the sudden remark, Yan replied, “What brings you to speak of those days?”
“Indeed. I find myself doing so occasionally lately. Come to think of it, I even told my teacher about the past. Perhaps I’ve grown up instead of my older brother.”
Calian chuckled softly and continued.
“Though I can’t remember if I hated them because I disliked resembling my mother, or if there was some other reason.”
At those words, Yan’s expression turned solemn for a moment.
He had also seen Freya’s portrait. Though he could not enter the Hall of Memories, the replica portraits kept in Arpia Palace were open to any visitor. Yan knew very well how much Calian resembled Freya.
—Don’t worry about anything regarding me. I understand everything.
“…Whatever the reason was, there’s no need to worry anymore.”
Murmuring as if to himself, Calian addressed his reflection in the mirror once more.
Congratulations. Though late, you are finally free from the shackles of blood. And…
He had no doubt that the child would be pleased. As Calian was lost in thoughts of the old Calian, Merlin’s voice called him back.
“You are ready, Prince. It suits you well today, as always.”
The clothes and accessories had been crafted by the designer Satin with all her might, upon Calian’s order. Merlin seemed quite pleased to finally behold what she had so deeply yearned to see.
While Calian took another look in the mirror, Yan performed a final check.
By now, Randel would have finished his meaningless meeting with Gray Brissen and entered Siegfried Hall. The same went for the other nobles. Evan Brissen, wishing to avoid the disadvantage of arriving late like last time, would have hurried inside as well.
“Shall I head out now as well?”
The jacket fit as snugly as always. However, the formal attire, adorned with unfamiliar ornaments instead of the usual embroidery or buttons, felt even stranger than the apricot jacket and white trousers he once wore.
And he liked it just as much.
“To turn everything upside down.”
“My situation, and Evan’s composure.”
Calian, speaking with a smirk, checked the mirror one last time.
Then, meeting the gaze of the red eyes looking back at him, he delivered the words he hadn’t finished earlier.
Thank you.
Calian shifted his gaze.
For understanding.
His not-yet-fully-grown feet began to move.
The long, scarlet cape, heavily dusted with red jewel powder that sparkled endlessly, billowed out behind him.