Chapter 228: I've Held Back a Lot (2)
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 228: I've Held Back a Lot (2)
In a way, they were both his older brothers.
In another, neither of them was.
He knew. He was well aware of this fact.
But right now, he didn’t know which way to treat them.
He couldn't bring himself to say he was grateful for their concern. Nor could he demand to know why they were hiding things from him. Unable to laugh or get angry, he looked at Franz, his heart heavy.
It’s fine.
It was fine, so they should just tell him.
He couldn’t get angry at Chase, who was asking him to let it go. Not when he spoke in the same voice that had once asked, on a small beach still vivid in his memory for its nostalgic scent, if there was truly no way to avoid becoming a knight.
Nor could he laugh at Franz, whose face practically dared him to bark or bite if he must, but to just drop the subject without another question.
—...Anyway, please be absolutely careful. Do not try to dig any deeper, and keep a close eye on things.
So, he could only repeat the warning to Chase.
It was a stretch to call it a slip of the tongue, but Chase was the one who had let something leak to Calian. He was aware of this, yet he couldn't press the man any further.
He knew Chase would carve Calian’s every word into his heart. He knew that any question, no matter how he phrased it, would pierce Chase like a needle. So, he couldn’t ask.
Just as Franz said, yes.
Chase was younger than the current Calian. The burden he carried was too heavy for him to simply brush everything off as ‘fine.’
—I must explain it to Prince Calian somehow, but it is not an easy thing to do.
—I know. I understand what you mean.
Calian wasn’t the only one who lost his composure over matters involving Devlan. Chase was far worse. So much worse that he couldn't even anticipate Calian having a slight doubt about his conversation with Devlan, nor could he properly explain or make an excuse for such a simple thing.
It was so unlike him.
—All I want to ask is, regarding that matter, in detail…
—I… I will contact you again later.
Thus, Calian also uncharacteristically cut Chase off. After a brief pause, Chase replied.
—Understood. Let us speak again, Prince Calian.
Chase said this, unable to add anything more. Calian ended the communication with a muttered apology, then turned his head toward Franz.
“Don’t ask any more. Not to me, either.”
Seeing the light of the ring fade, Franz spoke again, as if pleading with him to listen for once. He had already realized that Calian had ended the call without getting any answers from Chase. And, of course, he had noticed Calian’s intent to wring those answers out of him instead.
Calian, who had been staring intently at Franz, spoke in a quiet voice.
“Even though I never listened to a single word Brother Randel said, I’ve been trying very hard to obediently listen to what you say, Brother.”
Could there be a more absurd statement?
Yet Franz did not frown or sneer.
He couldn’t laugh at the claim, because as hard as it was to believe, he knew those words weren’t a lie. Judging by Chase’s words and the occasional glimpses into his past, Franz knew that no matter how terrible Calian’s original personality might have been, he had become remarkably subdued by now.
“Brother Randel tried to control me, but you try to keep me grounded. Because I know that, I also try quite hard.”
Instead of trying to dominate him, Franz was simply trying to be an older brother.
For that reason alone, Calian had put a great deal of effort into how he treated Franz. He had kept him alive and well, and though he had drawn his sword a few times, he had never thrown a punch. He fed him, sat when told to sit, and yielded when told not to be stubborn. Things like that.
Of course, there were minor side effects, like his frequenting the fourth floor as if it were his own room, or barking more often than speaking like a human, but surely the effort was what mattered. Indeed.
“But I don’t think I can do that this time. I feel like I know what’s going on, yet I don’t know a single thing. That’s why.”
This time, however, he couldn’t even bring himself to try.
He had a feeling he knew what this was about. He had a feeling he knew what secret these two—men he couldn’t even properly define as his brothers or not—were so similarly trying to hide. No, not what. Who.
The light-green broom, who was already worked to death cleaning up Calian’s messes and now looked like he would have to clean up after some purple-eyed bastard in a distant southern village, let out a deep sigh.
“Calian.”
“……Yes.”
With Calian answering so meekly, Franz stared at the strawberry slices and mint leaves in his teacup before continuing.
“If it were something you needed to know, the Crown Prince of Secritia would have told you. If it were nothing important, he would have mentioned it already. Can you not just let it go?”
Calian stared back at Franz without answering.
Something far from unimportant, yet something Calian must not know. In other words, an important matter regarding Bern.
It meant Franz had absolutely no intention of telling him.
He had the nerve to intrude on Calian’s business, hide the truth as he pleased, and then tell him not to seek answers.
“You nodded along when Hina told you not to meddle in her business. I don’t understand why you’re so eager to interfere in mine.”
“I don’t think my little brother and I are any different,” Franz retorted, pointing out his hypocrisy.
After all, wasn’t Calian far guiltier of intruding on Franz’s business, hiding the truth, and constantly telling him not to dig deeper? Of course, Franz knew how important the matter of Secritia’s Royal Brother was to Calian, but that didn’t change the fact that they were both doing the exact same thing.
“Every time I teach you something, you learn something unexpected along with it.”
“Because my little brother is such an excellent teacher.”
Franz, replying without yielding an inch, leaned back in his chair and slowly closed his eyes. Knowing Franz made that face whenever he was deep in thought, Calian waited for his decision without another word.
“……I wonder why my little brother insists on walking over broken glass.”
It wasn’t as if avoiding a single shard would make a difference, but Franz said this because Calian was actively seeking out the very piece that had been swept aside to spare him.
“As for why I insist on stepping on it…” Calian smiled faintly, recalling Alan saying something similar, then nodded. “To throw a tantrum when I meet Serenti.”
Then, he answered with the exact expression he wore whenever he was being stubborn.
“I plan to accept everything she gives me without refusal and endure it all. Since she only ever sends rain I can’t avoid, I might as well get drenched. That way, when we meet later, I can pay her back in full for everything I’ve received. To do that, shouldn’t I take on one more thing so I have one more thing to pay her back for? That’s why. I may not be good at holding grudges, but I’m very good at keeping score.”
Ah.
My brother is talking crazy again.
“……This is driving me crazy.”
Is it because he died once and is now living a second life? Is it because his life is so extraordinary? Is that why his way of thinking is so uniquely, extraordinarily insane that I can’t possibly keep up? What on earth am I supposed to do with him?
When Chase went back, I should have just sent Calian with him to be his brother. I should have bundled him up with that crazy blue-haired mage, his father, Kyrie, and that insolent servant, and just shipped them all off as a set. I should have even thrown in Brother Randel to be dropped off in front of Tensil on the way. Then, whether the royal palace felt suffocating or not, I could have just taken Lucy, supported His Majesty, and figured out Kairis on my own.
“Hina, Kyrie, Yan, and Master are all alive because of me, so I lived thinking that alone was a blessing—but then the rain fell. Since I saved you, I figured I might as well save Kairis and Secritia too, and to save this Sistera continent, I needed to stay alive myself. I tried to live with that mindset—but then the rain fell. Because of that, I can’t hold back anymore. I’ve tolerated it and tolerated it, but I can’t take it anymore.”
I’ve held back a lot.
I really have…
“So, I feel like I have to do at least this much to feel alive. I want to live, but I feel like I need to create a reason to do so. Now, I really need one. That’s why.”
“At this rate, you’ll end up barking in front of Serenti too.”
“That wouldn’t be so bad. Going ‘woof, woof’ right in her face.”
“I’ll be sure to try it,” Calian replied with a smirk, as if he weren’t joking.
“Tell me. I’m not as young as you, Brother. I’ll be fine.”
Whatever the secret was, he would find out eventually.
Whether he got rained on walking one step ahead or one step behind, he would end up drenched all the same. If it was rain he had to face, he would rather face it now and grit his teeth.
Franz let out another sigh.
It was a sign of surrender.
“Crazy bastard.”
How could he stop a madman who insisted on living like that?
*
As heavy as her heart was, her hands moved quickly.
‘They’re not even kids, yet they act like children.’
‘Did the Princes act like that?’
After leaving the Wilhelm Pavilion and meeting Calian and Franz at the Chermil Palace, Hina poured her heart out to Kyrie as if seeking comfort. To Veronica and Demirea, she was an older sister, and to Calian and Franz, she was like one, but to Kyrie alone, she was a younger sister.
‘They set boundaries for me, and they think worrying about me in their own way is what’s best. Both of them. They treat me like a child. I hated that.’
‘So you told them not to?’
‘Yes. I told them not to think that way. I told them I have things I can do.’
‘Yeah. You did well.’
He didn’t say they acted that way because they worried about her, or that it was all for her own good. He took Hina’s side unconditionally, only listening. Though he knew there were reasons for their behavior, he didn’t explain them or tell her to understand. Ever since the day the blueberry turned blue, Kyrie had always been this way.
He knew she had bravely said what she needed to in front of the two princes and was only venting to him now because she was still upset. There was no need to add his own thoughts and lecture her. If Hina wasn’t asking because she didn’t know, all he had to do was listen.
As they chatted warmly, he escorted Hina back to the Wilhelm Pavilion, where they found Arsen looking half-dead.
“Sir Bern, do you happen to know where on earth the Prince who is the Vice-Commander, or the Vice-Commander who is the Prince, is and what he is doing right now? I’m so busy I feel like I’m about to sell my own soul, but he’s nowhere to be found.”
He asked, searching for Franz. Kyrie informed him that Franz was currently speaking with Prince Calian.
“Ah. I see. Thank you for letting me know.”
At those words, Arsen, who had looked ready to drop dead, cleanly gave up on finding Franz and went back to work.
It looked like Arsen had been wearing the same clothes for several days, but mages were always so clean that it was hard to tell, so Kyrie simply put it out of his mind. The dark circles under Arsen’s eyes were a permanent fixture anyway; whether he fell asleep, fainted, or died today, he would manage on his own.
With nothing else to do, Kyrie returned to Chermil. Since his personal training time had decreased significantly, he practiced whenever he found a spare moment.
“Kyrie.”
As he entered the training ground, someone called his name in a welcoming voice.
It was Calian.
Not only had Calian come to the training ground at this hour, but even after seeing Kyrie, he remained seated on the floor without drawing his sword. He hadn't come to spar or to watch Kyrie’s swordsmanship.
“Is something the matter?”
The quiet sound of his breathing was the same as always, yet somehow different. He wasn’t the type to look so disheveled just because Hina had scolded him.
“Is something the matter, or is it not? It’s not that something happened, but it’s not that nothing happened either. It’s complicated.”
His laughter trembled subtly. The emotion lingering at the end of it was painful.
So, Kyrie didn’t ask anything else and walked over to where Calian was.
Not for a spar, not for instruction, not even for a conversation.
He knew Calian had come simply because he needed someone to lean on. He knew Calian had come because he needed a place of refuge, even if he wasn’t sure that place should be the current Kyrie.
Walking over to Calian with steady steps, Kyrie sat down beside him with a thud.
“I will listen.”
Since the Prince couldn’t drink, Kyrie couldn’t carry him on his back. Since there was no fight, he couldn’t offer his back as a shield. But his ears, which always listened well, were still the same. He could always hear Calian’s voice.
As expected of Kyrie.
Calian smirked, murmuring as if letting the words drift away.
“You know, Master knows, and the Crown Prince of Secritia… Crown Prince Chase knows too.”
And then, he spoke, his words disjointed, yet consistently precious and painful.
“But my brother says he doesn’t know. He says he can’t hear that name because I haven’t spoken it. I knew it would be like that. I knew, so I thought I was fine with it. But because I knew, I thought I’d be fine, so I went out of my way to confirm it myself.”
He spoke of how he had gone to confirm that Serenti was truly erasing the name of the one who had to be forgotten—a name that would never be conveyed unless Calian spoke it with his own mouth, or unless someone remembered it on their own.
Kyrie, who never took a single word lightly, listened without saying a thing.
“I wondered if I should write it in big letters and post it in front of the royal palace, like Master said. If I do that, will they not forget? Will they remember? But then I thought, no, I shouldn’t. Then I thought, since everyone already knows, maybe I should just try it once. But then I wondered if Master would scold me. If even Sispanian would say she couldn’t understand this time. I thought about all that… and then…”
He listened to that voice, which sounded like the wind at times and flowing water at others, letting it wash over him as he heard everything about the name of the man who was being forgotten.
“I thought I was fine because I knew. But now that I think about it, maybe I’m not. So I wondered what I should do. I kept thinking about what to do, but I couldn’t figure it out. And because of that, I had nowhere to go.”
He listened, letting it drift by like the sound of the wind.
He listened, letting it flow by like the sound of running water.
“So, I’m just going to stay here for a little while before I go.”
He listened, remembering every single word and tiny breath, letting them settle into his memory.
For he had sworn that this time, he would not let it be forgotten.
“Please do. It is perfectly fine for you to stay.”
Having already kept his past oath, he resolved to keep this promise without fail.