The Monster Hiding in the Building (4)
The village had exactly one inn with an attached stable. “Welcome in!” The owner, a bastard who’d already been pounding drinks since broad daylight, crawled out from behind the counter the moment we stepped inside. His face was so vicious he looked like the type who enjoyed drowning people for fun. Those greasy, glistening eyes staring at us made my skin crawl. Still, judging people by their faces is a bad habit. Yerna, that damn bitch, was a prime example of the bad kind, while Dorka was a good one. Since faces are something you’re born with, measuring character by them is just rude.
“We’re thinking of staying one night. How much?”
“Hehe. Five coppers a night.”
Correction. This motherfucker was definitely a son of a bitch.
“Five coppers seems a bit steep.” I said, deliberately making my expression as menacing as possible. The place looked so rundown I didn’t even want to stay, yet this was the only inn around and they were charging five coppers a night? Dorka would be pounding the ground in frustration. I should’ve opened an inn in the countryside myself.
‘Is this bastard trying to rip us off?’
Building one shabby structure in a backwater like this and trying to live the high life? It pissed me off so much it reminded me of that conscienceless guesthouse owner in Busan I’d gone to with my friends. My blood was boiling.
“Ah, well. If you don’t like it, I could knock off one copper. But I wonder if there’s any other inn around here besides mine.”
He was picking at his ear and playing dumb, so I answered with a thoroughly hostile face.
“Three coppers. Any more than that and I’d rather camp outside the village.”
I switched to more formal speech. This was my final offer. The bastard flinched, then spoke as if he were doing us a favor.
“Hmm. Fine, let’s do that. Not like I had any other guests anyway.”
“We won’t need meals. Don’t prepare anything on your own and then demand money for it.”
“Got it.”
Franc and I took the room key and unpacked our things. We left Ttarung-i with the innkeeper. Since the little guy still seemed eager to run, I promised I’d let him stretch his legs again later and managed to calm him down.
‘I’ll have to beat the shit out of that innkeeper next time I come back.’
Impression Camouflage mask. That thing Tabula had—wasn’t it exactly the kind of item you kept around for places like this? This was the true meaning of effective resource utilization. Recycling Master Norde, at your service.
While dreaming of a night of revenge, I headed to the village chief’s house with Franc.
“Ohhh! You’ve finally come!”
The chief was a dark, sun-baked old man. We were invited into his home, exchanged some light small talk, then got down to business.
“We’ll head out immediately to track down the goblins and exterminate them. Where should we bring the proof of subjugation?”
Proof of subjugation meant the item used as evidence that the monster had been killed. For goblins, that usually meant bringing back something like their ears or teeth—whatever the client had specified. Apparently this system came about because some adventurers used to bring in monster parts they’d killed earlier, lie about it, and pocket the reward. Source: Professor Brammaton’s guidebook, et cetera.
“Bring me both of the goblins’ ears.”
It was the most common method. I wrote down ‘Two goblin ears’ in my notebook.
“Understood. Just to be clear for tracking purposes, what exactly are those goblins doing to harm the village?”
“They’re stealing our harvested grain.”
The chief clenched his fists, his face flushed with rage.
“We worked all year to gather that grain and stored it in the warehouse, only for them to sneak in at night and take it! How can we possibly forgive that?!”
“No. It’s absolutely unforgivable.”
I matched the chief’s fury. So even in this world, those damn brats were running wild doing whatever they pleased.
‘Stealing the fruits of other people’s hard work.’
The way those brats acted was no different from professors. No—they were professors! Goblins were both brats and professors! Real professors at least had outstanding knowledge in their fields, but these creatures only copied the worst, most selfish and arrogant aspects of them. They were evil lifeforms!!!
—Kill them, Master—
—Kill them, Master.
The Professor Slayer that had been dormant inside me for a while whispered. I didn’t resist his temptation. This wasn’t mere temptation—it was guidance leading me down the righteous path.
‘That’s right. Don’t hold back, my inner Professor Slayer.’
I soothed the enraged Professor Slayer in my mind’s luxury suite.
—This village is full of trash.
I know. I felt it from the moment we entered the village. I don’t think I’ll be able to leave this place without doing anything. So——
I’ll show you the violent revenge drama you desire from this village.
“I have no more questions, so we’ll be heading out now.”
After finishing my mental conference with the Professor Slayer, I stood up and bowed to the chief.
“Don’t worry. Everything will be over by tomorrow at the latest.”
Goblins—those universal green brats—exist everywhere in this other world. Swamps, deserts, even jungles and snowy plains. No matter how suspicious the location, if you look hard enough you’ll find their nests. They’re pests that don’t care about region or climate.
“Still, their preferred nest characteristics are pretty similar.”
I explained to Franc as we climbed the mountain. We’d packed our bags with everything including a lantern—leaving only the camping kit at the inn because we didn’t trust the owner—and headed into the forest where the goblins were likely hiding.
Franc, who covered ground with light steps despite her small stride, asked,
“What kind of places do they like?”
“Places with a ceiling and easy access to food. They don’t seem to have much concept of hiding their lairs.”
I answered while recalling Professor Brammaton’s writings.
“So if we ask the animals, we should find them quickly. Oh, there’s a squirrel right there.”
A squirrel was stuffing fallen acorns into its cheeks. Autumn must be an insanely busy season for wild animals too.
—Rustle!
The squirrel that had been diligently gathering food noticed us. I shouted at the squirrel that was about to bolt in surprise.
“Squeak!! (Wait!!)”
“Chit? (Huh?)”
The squirrel that had been trying to run away turned back at the sound of its own kind speaking so loudly. Their own species couldn’t make sounds that loud, so it must have been shocking. I almost laughed but held it in. Animals tend to interpret laughter as a sign of aggression.
I spoke in squirrel language so the little guy wouldn’t be scared.
“Squeak-squeak squeak? (Want some walnuts?)”
“Squeak!! (Yes!!)”
We reached an agreement. If it helped us find the goblins, I’d give it a whole walnut.
“Squeak-squeak-chu-chu squeeeak squeak-squeak!! (I know! Green monsters!!)”
Don’t call them green monsters. It makes me think of the Hulk.
Still, it seemed we’d hit the jackpot on the first try. Things were going smoothly and it felt great. Or maybe those bratty goblins were just wandering around openly. Either way, it was a huge win for us.
I told Franc,
“It says it knows where they are. We made a deal with walnuts, so we just have to follow—why are you looking at me like that?”
Franc’s face had turned bright red, so I asked. Was something strange?
“N-no, it’s nothing. It’s just… the way Norde squeaks is so cute…”
“Squeak?”
A man over 180 centimeters tall imitating a squirrel was cute? Franc’s sense of cuteness was incredibly unique. I’d been secretly going out at night to meow with cats so she wouldn’t be disgusted, but she actually found me imitating animals adorable.
‘If our positions were reversed, I’d probably understand.’
I imagined Franc barking and meowing.
‘Fuck, that’s hot.’
No, no. It’s cute. It’s cute. My dick, which had been twitching asking if it was finally going to get to chirp, got a flick to the forehead and calmed down. We could do that after finishing today’s work.
“Squeeeak-chu!! (Hurry up!!)”
The walnut-bribed squirrel was urging us from below.
“Franc, it says we should hurry before it changes its mind. Let’s go.”
“Pfft. Is it throwing a tantrum? Okay, I’ll hurry.”
We followed the squirrel with its puffed-out cheeks. By the way, although my translation ability was incredibly useful, it was impossible to befriend monsters. I’d tested it several times during my university days, but every single monster was like a chihuahua that had been infected with rabies for twenty-nine days.
—Hello? I’m Norde. What’s your name?
—Krop! ldoooHu! (Human! Kill it!)
—Hey, don’t be like that. Wanna be secret friends with hyung?
—Krop! ldooobiiS! (Human! Kill it and eat it!)
—Fuck. It was roughly that kind of feeling.
Just because you could communicate didn’t mean you could have a conversation. Those bastards only had attack ground and eat in their heads. At that point even monsters with small brains should gradually go extinct through natural selection, but in this other world that ran on the motto ‘fuck physics,’ expecting evolution was a luxury.
‘Darwin, you were wrong.’
My dream of becoming a Pokémon Master had been completely crushed, but back then I hadn’t been discouraged by something so minor. If problems couldn’t be solved through conversation, then naturally you resorted to violence, right? Maybe I could use something like dragon speech or magic characters with the logic that ‘words contain power.’
Somehow, even though Carmine University only used me as slave labor and taught me jack shit, it had all been foreshadowing that I was Dragonborn. Surely the day would come when I’d shout Fus Ro Dah! and breathe dragon words from my mouth.
‘I thought it didn’t have to be Dragonborn specifically.’
I was a man who had passed the 8th level of Chinese characters in elementary school and was an avid reader of the Magic Thousand Character Classic. Wouldn’t it be a pretty good future to spread the majesty of an 8th-class archmage of Chinese character testing throughout this other world full of twisted speech and become Norde, the Hongik Ingan of this world?
That’s what I thought back then, so I tried it.
—Norde Britannia commands!!
—Po? SSuA toooGu? (What? Is he implying he’s a retard?)
—Split in half and die.
—KropCisA! Wo! biiS! (Noisy human! Hit it! Eat it!)
—Yeah, your mom.
The Magic Thousand Character Classic didn’t exist in this world either. Those damn racist bastards. China before the Red Guards was one of the three birthplaces of human civilization, yet they treated it like this.
—Swish swish swish!!
That was what I was thinking when a large snake suddenly snatched our guide squirrel at incredible speed and swallowed it whole.
“Squeak?!”
—Gulp!!
—Glurk!!
In the blink of an eye, our guide was sucked into the snake’s stomach. The acorns and walnut fragments it had spat out in its scream scattered across the fallen leaves.
—Plop plop.
—Glurk! Glurk!
We were left speechless by the National Geographic scene unfolding before our eyes. After swallowing the delicious squirrel in one gulp, the snake glanced at us and tried to flee!!
“You bastard!! Spit out our navigation!!”
Enraged, I activated Beast Regression and grabbed its body. True to its snake nature, it bit my arm the moment I caught it, but its fangs couldn’t even pierce my mana coating.
“Sssit?! (What the?!)
“Open, gate of the stomach!!!”
I grabbed the snake’s tail and yanked it upward with all my strength! Like squeezing out a tube of toothpaste!! I had to get our squirrel out of this bastard’s stomach!!!
“Sssshaaaaaaa?!”
—Urk!!
With the squeeze-out technique I had trained from elementary through high school, the snake vomited up the squirrel it had swallowed! But the squirrel, covered in gastric juices, had already died from full-body fractures and suffocation!!
“Squirrel!!!!”
I wailed loudly, mourning the squirrel’s death! As a former veterinary student, I knew better than anyone present that there was no way to save it in that state!! My sorrow turned into rage directed at the snake in my hand!
“You son of a bitch!! How dare you kill the squirrel?!”
“Ssshat?!”
“That squirrel might have been a rodent that was guiding us!!!! And you ruined it!!!!”
Having lost my reason, I lifted the viper up. I was planning to recreate the throw my grandfather used when subduing snakes. If I used my full power as a hero from Earth, it wouldn’t just faint—it would be torn to pieces, but——that was the ending this bastard had brought upon itself!!
“Die!! Squirrel’s avenger!!!!”
“Ssshat!! Ssshat sssit shurrrr!!! (I!! I’ll help you!!!)”
—Freeze!
I stopped my arm as I was about to deliver death to the snake at its last words.
“Ssshat? Ssshat shirrr sssisssi ssshatshurrrr? (You? You know what we are and you’ll help us?)”
“Shirrrut!! (Anything!!)”
The snake, which had run its mouth and nearly died, spoke desperately. The tone of its cry suggested it would do absolutely anything if it meant not dying.
“……Goblin shurut shaaashat sssisssi? (Do you know about the green monsters called goblins?)”
“Sssisssi!! Sssisssi!! (I know!! I know!!)”
My eyes widened so much they felt like they would burst at the snake’s answer! To think this snake also knew the goblins’ location!! An incredible culture shock washed over me!!!
That’s right!!!! There was no rule saying only squirrels could be navigators!!!!!
“Why didn’t you say that first!!”
Feeling apologetic, I put the snake down. If it knew where the goblins’ nest was, we just had to follow its guidance!!
“Go, Kabutomaru! Carry on the squirrel’s will!!”
“The context of this story isn’t making much sense… Are you sure this is okay?”
“It’s fine!!”
Franc looked worried, but if it lied we could just beat it up and make friends with the next one. We only had an extremely light business relationship tied together by food and survival.
And so Norde and his companions, having gained a new comrade, headed toward the goblins’ nest. Oh, of course I made a grave for the squirrel. I even put one walnut in the grave, so it should be able to run around happily in heaven. I believed that.