The Mad Father-in-Law's Rampage
The blade sliced through the air with a deafening roar.
〈TZWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA──!!〉
〈Ugyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack──?!〉
I rolled across the floor in a frantic series of backward somersaults, using the spring of a bridge evasion. It was a dazzling display of movement that would have put a dog performing tricks in front of a butcher’s block to shame. But the family head, driven mad by qi deviation, chased after me with his eyes bulging in fury.
Dodge! Dodge! Dodge again!
The soldiers, terrified by our frantic game of cat and mouse, quickly cleared the area.
─Roll roll roll! Roll!
─Thud!!!
While I was busy tumbling across the floor, I collided with someone. A small, feminine traveling shoe came into view.
Fuck, it’s Tirsi! I’m saved!
“Tirsi!! Please put up an ice wall! I’m seriously gonna die here!”
“Why don’t you just take one hit? You don’t look like you’re going to die.”
“What the hell?! Excuse me?!”
I was genuinely shocked. But our esteemed mage looked down at me with an expression even colder than when she had been in full God-man mode. Even if I got on my knees and begged to see her panties, I doubt she would have made a face like that.
What the hell is going on? Did I just commit some noble-class social blunder?
Maybe in this world, you’re not supposed to announce a pregnancy in front of other people. It was entirely possible. There was a chance.
After all, saying someone was pregnant was the same as saying they had sex! For nobles who lived and died by appearances, it might be too embarrassing to say outright!!
〈Hwaaaaaaaaatchaaaa──!!!〉
At that moment, a blade came hurtling toward me as if slicing through my thoughts. It was a sharp attack that didn’t seem possible from an old man. I reflexively raised my guard.
─Thwack! Thud-thud-thud!!
But this crazy family head hit so hard that even with the mana of Beast Regression circulating through me, my bones rang with pain. Holy shit, if I hadn’t coated my arm in mana, my forearm would have been sliced clean off!
We’re fucked we’re fucked we’re fucked we’re fucked!!!
I didn’t know exactly what had gone wrong, but one thing was certain: we were completely fucked! This was an unpredictable crisis! Faced with an incomprehensible pinch and the threat of death, my elite graduate-student brain kicked into overdrive.
〈Sh-Shadow Clone Jutsu!!〉
It was as if my dormant magical abilities had awakened in this life-or-death moment. On pure instinct, I combined and recreated existing spells.
─Shhhhhhh!
The clone magic I had obtained after beating the shit out of Yerna! I took the half-forgotten technique I had learned before and mixed in other spells! The two spells I combined were:
One: Summon Cloud.
Two: Friar’s Lantern.
A white clone made of clouds fused with magical light that could freely change color!
─Boom-boom-boom!
In that instant, my clones boasted a reproduction rate so perfect in both color and texture that they looked exactly like the original. More than ten of them surrounded me.
〈Norde Norde!〉
〈Nordie!〉
My clones opened their mouths and chattered away! Even I had to admit the perfection was insane. That slightly arrogant face, the macho muscles, those deep and wise eyes! It was so perfect that I, the original, started to feel a little inadequate. This level of perfection might even fool our wives!!
Moreover, since the clones contained my mana, unless someone could discern the weight of my footsteps, there was no way they could tell the difference──
〈──Pathetic!!!!〉
─Shukakakakak!
Cornelius’s sword flailed like a chicken that had eaten the wrong rat poison. In the blink of an eye, my clones were sliced apart. This insane old bastard hadn’t seen through the clones with perception; he had simply cut them all down with overwhelming power and speed.
─Swish!!
Having shredded the clones, Cornelius finally swung his sword at the real me. Another blade stabbed into my arm. Thanks to Beast Regression, I didn’t bleed, but the sheer power still forced a scream out of me.
〈Gyaaaaaaaaack!!! That’s my real body, you bastard!!!〉
〈Hwoaaaaaaaaaack──!!!!〉
He felt no guilt at all from my pitiful scream? Was this guy a psychopath? If this continued, I was going to be a corpse by the end of the day. The bloody image of a Kitai man—Red Monkey Nord—flashed before my eyes.
Fuck, but I can’t just hit a noble either!!!
Was he seriously telling me to counterattack a member of the Senate? The old man was at an age where a light tap might kill him. If I lost my temper and did something rash, the consequences would be impossible to handle. It was ten times harder and more hesitation-inducing than hitting someone wearing glasses!
All I could do was thicken my mana coating and pretend I didn’t feel a thing.
〈Grrrrrrrrr──!!〉
〈Teeeeeeeeeeng──!!〉
It was like returning to the helplessness of my noob days! Tears streamed from my eyes as I rolled and rolled across the floor. The most unfair part was that I still had no idea why I was getting beaten.
Why? What the hell did I do?! Is it my fault your son fucked his daughter-in-law? In a world where a grandfather would rather beat a doctor to death than celebrate the thought of seeing his grandchild? This was an enormous culture shock for someone who grew up in Neo-Joseon, the land of Confucianism.
It was as shocking as the time I saw that erotic image of a female dragon maid having sex with a truck. This other world really is hell.
Of course, no matter how unfair it was, the blood of a rootless household never changes. Perhaps the genes of my Joseon ancestors—who had endured beatings from yangban nobles for generations while still producing children—were finally kicking in. I couldn’t even offer a proper excuse and just kept getting pummeled nonstop.
〈Die!!!! Dieeeeeee──!!!! I’ll tear you into ten pieces and scatter you over my son’s grave!!〉
〈Aaaaah……!!! That really hurts, sir……!!!〉
─Thwack!!
Once again, the blade scored a hole-in-one on my skull. For a brief moment, I saw the three rivers of the afterlife. Tabula was waving at me.
Why the fuck are you there, you bastard.
〈Vector Man!! Help me!!〉
With my head ringing from the burning pain, I desperately called out for the childhood hero from Earth that I had somehow forgotten. Maybe this was divine punishment for forgetting my roots from my noob days and acting arrogant? Was it retribution for abusing the power of an Earth hero to build a harem and make money? Perhaps this was nature’s punishment for a fake druid who had forgotten the source of his strength.
〈F-Father! Wait, just a moment, please!!〉
The one who saved me was Primor. My wives seemed too flustered or hesitant to step in.
〈Out of the way!! I’m going to fillet that bastard alive and──!!〉
〈I don’t know what misunderstanding you have, but what this person said was, um, that is……〉
Primor hesitated, her face turning bright red, before she suddenly shouted.
〈Anyway, that’s not what he meant!! Father, are you doubting my chastity?!〉
I wasn’t sure what “that” meant, but Cornelius, who had drawn his sword, stopped attacking and panted heavily.
〈……You’re saying that bastard didn’t assault you?〉
〈Of course not!! If he had, would I have invited him here?! What do you take me for!!〉
〈Couldn’t he have blackmailed you?!〉
〈If that were the case, I would have bitten my tongue and committed suicide!!〉
At Primor’s fierce rebuke, even Cornelius hesitated for a moment.
〈Lord Nord, please explain!! What exactly do you mean by saying I’m pregnant?!〉
She helped me up from where I had been rolling around like a dog on a hot summer day and asked. I was grateful for the help, but could we please avoid physical contact? That human butcher from the Senate still hadn’t put away his sword.
〈Could you call a nun from the Janus Church for me……〉
I lay there like a statue of the dead Jesus in Mary’s arms and raised my index finger. After all, we had already made arrangements last time.
— Can the Janus Church confirm a woman’s pregnancy?
That was the topic I had brought up during my last conversation with the bishop of the Janus Church’s Renapolis branch.
─It is not impossible. Although our brothers and sisters do not possess healing powers, the women of Renapolis are not incapable of conception. Naturally, many of them are skilled in midwifery.
─I see. That’s excellent. In that case, if possible, could you bring those individuals when I request it?
─Pardon? Ah, yes. We can certainly do that. Since we have essentially burdened you with our own affairs, Lord Nord, we can at least provide that much courtesy.
Because of that conversation, they would send nuns capable of confirming pregnancy if I requested it.
〈Did you hear that?! Go to the church immediately!〉
At Primor’s shout, several butlers immediately rushed out. About ten minutes later, they returned with a certain Punitive Executor from the Janus Church (who had come on a business trip).
Weren’t you supposed to be busy?
〈Lord Nord……?!〉
Signatio, who had followed the nuns, spotted me the moment she arrived and gasped in horror.
〈How did a man of your caliber end up with such wounds……?! Don’t tell me Diabolo has returned?!〉
Yeah, no shit. Even if you added up all the injuries I received while fighting three black mages, they wouldn’t amount to even a tenth of what I took today.