Mom, Dad... I'm Home
With her hands clasped together in silent prayer, Franc spoke softly. Instead of the formal titles she had used as an adult in her father’s homeland, she addressed them with the childish nicknames from her youth.
Franc hesitated like a child on Parents’ Day, staring at a blank sheet of paper with a pen in hand. She kept opening and closing her mouth, then suddenly glanced at me. It seemed she had decided on her first words after the greeting.
“...You know, I'm going to marry this man right here.”
It was a bombshell opener that would have definitely put them on the spot if they were still alive. Having thrown out the main topic so abruptly, Franc began recounting everything our married life had been through.
There were no visitors in the cemetery at dawn. Even the gravedigger who worked for pay had been asleep until we signed our names in the visitor log for the first time today. In a place with no one to listen, some rather private stories slipped out, but I refused to be the pathetic husband who nitpicked them.
Franc’s story continued well past the one-hour mark. If I had visited her parents while they were alive, I would have been chased out midway through the tale, and the next time I showed up, their teacups would probably have been filled with alchemical solution instead of tea. That was the kind of reminiscence it was.
“So... even though the seven years I spent away from home were all added together, the half-year I spent with Nord was far more surprising and hectic... but I was happy more often than not.”
—Splash.
Franc poured more liquor over the tombstone, then filled a fresh cup for herself and drank it down. Her throat must have been dry from talking so long, but more than that, I think she wanted to show her parents that their daughter had finally reached the age where she could drink.
“Of course, there were more days I laughed than days I was purely happy. And there wasn't a single day I felt sad because of Nord. Though... I did tear up quite a few times.”
Even after emptying a cup of liquor strong enough to make most people tipsy in a single drink, Franc’s pronunciation remained crystal clear. Or rather, it had been clear.
“...Honestly, I still miss Mom and Dad's faces so much.”
Franc held back the drunkenness, but she couldn’t hold back the tears.
“It would be a lie if I said I never resented you. When I fell asleep in a cheap inn with nothing but water in my stomach, breathing in the musty smell of the bed, I hated you both so much. But now... even if it's only in a dream, I wish you'd tell me I did well, that I worked hard.”
Tears streamed endlessly down Franc’s cheeks. She had always been someone who cried easily. The first day we met, and the next, even while doing her part, her eyes had been full of tears as she sniffled. It was only after meeting me that her tears had lessened.
“I've gotten so good at speaking Dad's hometown language, and I'm confident I'm better at sewing than Mom was. I even brought the person I love without saying a word—and yet there's no praise, no scolding. This is the absolute worst. Where in the world is there an introduction like this? Telling me to build a happy family and then leaving like that is so irresponsible. You were the ones who took away the family that mattered most to your daughter. Buying bad dyes without knowing they'd make you sick, never taking care of your own health...”
—Drip. Drip.
Franc’s words began to break apart. The droplets of liquor she had sprinkled on the tombstone rolled off the bouquet like tears.
“You two are the people I hate most in the entire world. If you say you don't like our Nord, I'll really get angry. You don't even have the right to criticize my husband. To me, he's the happy family I finally reclaimed after seven years. He's a wonderful husband I can brag about to anyone.”
The words were so unlike Franc that they felt all the more sincere. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Instead of leaning into my embrace like usual, she wiped away her tears.
“There are still so many things I don't know and I'm clumsy at, but... as long as I'm with this person, I think I can be happy anywhere. So... please stop worrying about me now.”
Having wiped her tears, Franc smiled with eyes red and swollen.
“Mom and Dad's daughter... is incredibly, unbelievably happy right now.”
With those final words, it seemed Franc had sorted out her feelings. When she looked at me and raised an eyebrow as if asking if I had anything to say, I sprinkled liquor over her parents’ grave and bowed twice.
“I will refrain from saying too much. Since I have always used an oily tongue when dealing with others, it would be disrespectful to speak that way to the two of you.”
I was someone who could talk to any being if conversation was possible, but one action was worth a hundred words, wasn’t it? I stripped away all the fancy rhetorical flourishes. As an utterly ordinary son-in-law with utterly ordinary words, I paid my respects to the parents of the wife I loved.
“I will definitely make Francesca happy in your stead as well.”
The thief who had stolen their precious only daughter should atone for his crime with that daughter’s happy smile. Franc and I shared the remaining liquor until the bottle was empty, then descended the hill where the cemetery lay. It was an early winter day when the morning sun shone dazzlingly bright.
After leaving Franc’s hometown, we returned all the way to Hremar. To be honest, it was just a week of being jostled around in a carriage, but no one complained. A journey whose sole purpose was the travel itself turned out to be quite enjoyable.
When night fell and we prepared to camp, Larilura would give us a preview of the performance she planned to put on in Romania. On the days when the natural-born Dana and the half-elf, half-dwarf Franc competed to forage in the forest, the dinner table became absurdly abundant.
Of course, while we were leisurely traveling like that, it seemed the chaos in Hremar hadn’t been completely suppressed. The Trustas Merchant Group, which had operated both domestically and internationally, had been torn apart as if a dragon covered in sesame paste had thrashed around in its death throes.
That was why this became the debut performance for my shadow clone.
“Nin nin.”
Muttering a spell I hadn’t used in a while, the masochistic assassin clung to the ceiling of the lord’s mansion. Between the roof and the ceiling! Even the narrow gap that a cat would struggle to slip through felt like wide open space to me in Kabutomaru mode.
Druid Special: Transformation complete.
Has anyone here heard of the black mamba? It’s a tiny venomous snake thinner than a pinky finger. Right now, I had transformed into exactly that creature. Though strangely, the poison disappeared whenever I transformed. What a shitty bloodline DNA world this was. All the knowledge I’d gained as a veterinary school dropout had become completely useless.
[ ⚔ SNAKE DANCE ⚔ ]
One week of training put to use.
As the black dragon—no, black snake—I slithered along performing the snake dance I had practiced for a week when a shout rang out from below the ceiling.
Damn, what a loud voice. This was clear proof that there was zero consideration for the psycho lunatics living in other people’s attics. Nidavellir needed to cultivate a stronger national consciousness toward social minorities.
I pressed my ear against the ceiling. For reference, normal snakes have ears that are purely decorative. Meaning they have no hearing. But was I a normal snake? Even Beethoven had to rely on his genius after going deaf, yet even with my auditory cells degenerated, I was still a Somers. It seemed the imperfection of transformation magic was actually helpful in times like these.
[ ⚔ LORD'S ROAR ⚔ ]
“You still haven't found the reason yet!!”
“The citizens all know what happened that night! How can you use the excuse that you still haven't figured out any evidence or circumstances after an incident of that scale!!”
“I-I'm sorry!!”
“If you know you're sorry, then get out there and investigate right now!!”
—Thud! Bang!
I tapped the floor with my tail from the ceiling while listening to the lord’s furious shouting. It was exactly as I had heard.
The guild master destroyed the evidence, huh.
They said he had set fire to an alchemical solution similar to gunpowder hidden behind a bookshelf. The flames had spread silently and instantaneously, forcing them to move the battlefield. It seemed the other executives of the merchant group hadn’t known the full story. That must be why they were acting like this even after interrogating them. The reason the guild master had kept the escape route and the ledger warehouse in the same place was probably for that very purpose. Never increase the number of accomplices who could destroy you, and in an emergency, set fire to block pursuit and erase the evidence. It was a good plan. It just failed.
Everyone has a plausible plan until they get beaten.
While eavesdropping on their conversation and gathering information, I pushed my snake head into a small hole in the ceiling. Shadow clone, prepare—and fire!
[ ☠ SHADOW CLONE ACTIVATED ☠ ]
A thick mist formed from my mana rose like a ghost inside the room.
“...Hm?!”
The lord managing Hremar jumped up in shock. Anyone would react that way if a pale Nazgûl suddenly appeared in their office.
—Shwaaaaaaaaah!
The shadow clone brimming with my mana floated up like a specter. I recited the prepared lines in a voice laced with echo.
“Greetings. This is our first meeting, Lord.”
“—Vanheim!! Come here at once!!”
The dwarf lord called for his subordinate with either short thinking or great courage. But of course, we had prepared for that much.
“It's no use. I have already set up a barrier.”
I installed all the rune stones I had brought earlier on the ceiling. It was Veronica’s noise-blocking magic. A miraculous item that reduced inter-floor noise to zero! If I put it on a home shopping channel, money would duplicate itself.
For communication, instead of a walkie-talkie I used the ᚴ (Kaunan) rune that connected thoughts. The distance made conversation difficult, but if I cut the connection, we could at least discuss installing the barrier. Rune magic required preparation but had the great advantage of range. Back when I lent Franc the rune mask in Heisvent, its effect had reached an absurd distance. And unlike then, today I didn’t have to worry about the guards turning into burnt offerings.
“...Where did this spy come from? Even if you kill me, Her Majesty the Queen’s will shall surely sweep away the shadows of Hremar!”
“Do not jump to conclusions. I have come to help you.”
“To help me?”
Look at our lord uncle failing to control his expression. Even a kid who heard a homeless old man claiming to be his mom’s friend would look more convinced than this.
“I will not waste words explaining the major incident that occurred at the Trustas Merchant Group the other day. It must be troublesome now that the ledgers have been burned, no?”
“That information has not been made public. How did you learn of it?”
“A trivial matter. The shortcomings of your territory’s system are not for us to point out. However, this time that mistake may have been fortunate. Before the incident occurred, I took the ledgers from them and buried them outside the north gate wall.”
“What?!”
I had secretly gone out last night and buried the ledgers. The one who did it was our horse-daughter maid, who had a track record of slipping past the guards’ inspections even in Heisvent.
“I originally thought of burying them in the slums, but the place was in terrible shape. There were far too many prying eyes, so I changed the location. It seems managing the slums is quite troublesome for you.”
“Are you mocking the territory granted to me by Her Majesty the Queen?”
“Hmph. How easy do you think it is for one person to root out the accumulated corruption of generations? Thanks to the bureaucrats who had been ruining the city long before you took office, Hremar has been a den of evil spilling deadly poison into the motherland for over twenty years.”
“...Deadly poison?”
The lines, the lines were getting cringey. Fuck, I know it’s embarrassing, so please don’t make me repeat it. I know the speech sounds cheesy. But if I don’t want to be tracked by tone or manner of speech, I have no choice but to speak like this on purpose. Who the hell would hear this speech pattern and think of a Kitai spearman going “Deshi deshi datta”? It was perfect cloaking.
“I speak of the dye from the scarlet oak tree. The reason the Trustas Merchant Group was destroyed by Romania's special forces was because of that.”
Gaslighting ON. I mixed lies with truth as I told the lord. I said that some bastard from Romania had used his power to attempt an otherworldly Northeast Project that would weaken Nidavellir’s national strength. Regardless of the guild master’s intentions, the charcoal powder from the scarlet oak tree had, as a result, become a drug that provoked anger, lowered the average quality of craftsmen, and ruined the national character. It wasn’t this newly appointed lord’s fault, but that charcoal dye was a major reason Franc’s life had been so twisted. It was an issue that absolutely had to be sanctioned.
So, uncle. Hurry up and offer this story to Her Majesty the Queen.
That way, Romania would face restrictions. There was no way the Nidavellir queen would sit still after being struck first by another country. If Romania came under diplomatic pressure, it would help our own movements as well.
There’s no evidence that Romania intervened, so it won’t escalate to war.
Rumors were always great. The lord looked confused by the “I heard from a guy who heard from a guy” news I had learned over two years in a veterinary school that was half male, half female. Besides, I was a true propagator of facts. Wasn’t that right? It was true that the Compilation Battalion, which appeared to be from Romania, had been screwing over Nidavellir. Take this, discord beam!
“...I will consider it after seeing the evidence.”
When I delivered the facts, the Hremar lord spoke as if he was about fifty percent convinced. The so-called evidence was just research records and ledgers that supported what I had told him. Of course he would be suspicious. At the very least, he would ban the sale of the charcoal dye nationwide. That was enough.
I moved the clone’s body toward the window.
“That is all I have to say. It would be best to report this now, while you have not been in office long. You can claim that as a competent lord, you quickly discovered the corruption in your territory.”
The Hremar lord could not cover up this matter. Why? Because the longer his tenure lasted, the more responsibility would fall on his shoulders. Unless he was the King God General Yi Sun-sin, it would be difficult to remain upright when his power and life were on the scales. In that case, I just had to make sure that failing to report quickly would put his position in jeopardy!
If he didn’t know, he’d be punished for incompetence. If he knew and neglected it, he’d be charged with treason against the state.
Considering the scale of the incident, no matter how things rolled, his entire family’s downfall was certain. It would be better to package himself as a competent lord who discovered an anomaly while examining territorial records shortly after taking office. If he did that, he might even receive praise from the queen instead of punishment. Thinking we might report it ourselves, he would rush to handle the matter.
“W-wait! Hold on!!”
Having been appointed lord of a port city, it seemed his head worked fast. The lord, now understanding the situation, tried to stop me. But sorry, that was a clone. The Nazgûl instantly scattered into na/z/gul, and the lord lost his mind as if bewitched by a fox. Hati hati hati ho.
“...Vanheim!! Is Vanheim there?!”
While I struggled in my snake body to put the rune stone in my pocket, the lord who had barely regained his senses called for the guard captain. He ordered him to retrieve the ledgers, then appointed him as his personal escort and went to investigate the ledgers himself. For someone his age, he was quite energetic.
With the pouch of rune stones in my mouth, I crawled down from the attic using the snake body that reflected my main body’s strength.
Aigoo, fuck. This feels like I’m dragging my balls across the floor.
I’d been going “ninja ninja,” but I never thought I’d end up doing ninja balls. Hearing the people in the lord’s mansion having seizures while I was doing snake balls. This was definitely insane. Grumbling and cursing, I rejoined my party members.
Fortunately, nothing else happened after that. We were able to leisurely watch as Nidavellir and the dye industry went through the four stages of culture shock.
In the meantime, the necessary tasks were steadily completed. We received the giant leather armor finished with proper dye. We heard that Zoid had become independent from the Blacksmiths Guild. We said our farewells to Lady Hela and asked her one favor. We sold off the captured equipment and divided the profits with Ursula and Pie.
—And so, after ten days on land and ten days at sea, we were able to disembark at the port of Britannia aboard the Golden Ship.
