Future Dreams (3)
I had to admit it—these guys really did have an insane sense of style when it came to anything metal. Even my childhood idols, the Vectormen, wore full suits of armor. If Beast Regression had been some kind of magic that let you equip armor instead of turning you into a weird ball of primal energy, I wouldn’t have been surprised at all the first time I used it. Though I probably would’ve had to change my underwear from how ridiculously cool it looked.
Robots made of metal were one of the two great pillars of pure, unfiltered badassery that every guy loved. The other one was obviously dinosaurs. In other words, investing a million gold in the metalworking industry just to build dinosaur robots would be money well spent.
After thinking that far, I nodded in agreement with her.
“Metal does look pretty cool. Full plate armor is the ultimate male fantasy, if you ignore how loud and clanky it is.”
“Right?! Right?!”
“But I can’t buy any because I’m broke.”
Don’t make that face. You’re making me feel like I committed a crime.
“…Just a moment. I’m sure I have something I made while swallowing my pride around here somewhere.”
She trudged away dejectedly and came back holding what looked like a pair of pants. At first glance, they were just ordinary black trousers.
“How about this armor? I made it from monster hide and reinforced the vital areas with steel plates. You can just wear them like regular pants.”
“They look decent. How much?”
“Sixty-five coppers. Oh, and the leather is from a Rock Turtle.”
“Not bad.”
It was stupidly expensive, but even back on Earth, bulletproof and stab-proof vests cost way more than this. For reference, Rock Turtles were easy to hunt, but their hides became incredibly tough after processing. They were basically the fantasy world’s equivalent of cow leather in the armor industry.
I checked the crotch area. Thankfully it wasn’t some ridiculous steel codpiece or boomerang-shaped underwear design. It was solid leather armor made from monster hide. I wouldn’t feel embarrassed wearing this in public. It even had magic enchantments for durability, and the weight was reasonable, so it probably wouldn’t slip off during a fight.
“You can try it on over there.”
Clara pointed toward what could barely be called a fitting room. I stepped inside and tried the pants on.
‘…Holy shit, they’re tight as hell?’
The leather was tough enough to be used as armor, but it lacked elasticity. Maybe that was what you got with cheap, mass-produced gear that only sold on value.
‘Wait a second…’
Something felt slightly off. I pulled the pants back down and looked inside my underwear at my longsword. The culture of underwear in this world wasn’t particularly advanced. Women had the concept of bras and panties, but men’s underwear was basically just swim trunks or shorts. Mass-produced men’s undergarments were tied at the waist with strings to adjust the size. The length was always made extra long, with the assumption that you’d just ask your mom or wife to cut them when you got home.
─Which was why I hadn’t noticed until now.
Like I said before, I barely drank anything except coffee, cola, and alcohol. So I hadn’t gone to the bathroom at all since waking up this morning.
─Psssssssh.
“What the…?”
The longsword inside my underwear had turned into a Zweihänder.
Penis size was sometimes an incredibly sensitive and taboo subject for men.
While women could talk about breast size somewhat openly and even joke about it, men rarely discussed the size of their dicks with other men.
Because everyone already knew.
Comparing dick sizes and determining superiority could lead to bloodshed. It was, to put it bluntly, an extremely touchy subject.
As such, men were obsessed with penis size. Very few men were truly free from that obsession. The fact that the undisputed number one surgery in urology was penis enlargement proved that point. When people were told to divide the number 280 by height, IQ, and penis size, enough of them chose 180/70/30 to become bald gorillas with massive cocks that it proved just how serious an issue this was.
Probably more people in the world wished for a side-effect-free penis enlargement technique than a side-effect-free steroid. If a drug that literally gave your dick third gear was ever developed, it would rival the perfect hair growth formula in medical demand.
This bizarre obsession with size was a uniquely human trait. The “bigger is always better” philosophy was rarely seen in other creatures. I didn’t know about the other races in this world, but on Earth, that was how it was. For non-human animals, reproductive competition was decided by fighting ability, not penis size. A lion or tiger could brag about having a huge cock all it wanted, but if another male got annoyed, it could just bite the neck and send him straight to the afterlife. The body parts they actually showed off were probably their claws, not their dicks.
Even gorillas, who had far superior muscle strength to humans, had dicks the size of a pinky finger for that very reason. There might have been a lion with a 30-centimeter cock in history somewhere, but that Lion King would have gone extinct in the competition just like the saber-toothed tigers did because of their oversized fangs. A weapon that was only useful during sex was a liability in a fight. If the tip got cut off, you couldn’t have sex for the rest of your life and would be eliminated from the gene pool. It was only natural that compact dicks that allowed for quick, frequent combat won out in the reproductive race. This was Charles Darwin’s Dick Selection Theory.
So why the fuck couldn’t I understand what was happening right now?
‘Why did my viper turn into an anaconda?’
No, honestly, I had a pretty good idea of the cause. This would be the second time I’ve said this.
‘Is this also because of Beast Regression? Why?’
Beast Regression. A strange magic whose origin and true nature were still unknown. Just as the term “primitive sorcery” suggested, it was an ancient, ridiculously old, root-level enhancement magic.
I could understand the physical reinforcement. The magic granted my body the power of an Earth Hero. I didn’t know why it only worked on me, but thanks to Beast Regression, mana pathways had opened in my body, and my muscle strength was permanently enhanced even in normal conditions.
‘But what the hell does that have to do with my dick?’
I was having a full-blown mental breakdown inside the blacksmith’s fitting room.
Gaining the power of a beast and having my strength reinforced. Understood.
Having my defense reinforced like wearing animal hide. Understood.
Incidentally, my dick also becoming insanely thick and huge. Not understood.
“I’m going crazy.”
Did having an animal’s power normally make your dick bigger? I didn’t think so?
Come to think of it, there were animals with huge dicks. Like horses, the representative species of the Big Magnum Dick Club. Due to their body structure, if they didn’t have that size, mating became difficult, so only the genes for big dicks survived. Since they couldn’t reproduce without horse cocks, they all ended up with horse cocks. That could also be considered a form of Dick Selection Theory.
But was it really possible that the effect of Beast Regression specifically chose my dick—and turned it into a horse cock, the heavyweight champion among animal dicks?
“What the fuck! What the hell is going on?!”
I was losing my mind over this incomprehensible act of madness more than when I met that cricket monster or Nefertiti!
Well, obviously having a bigger dick wasn’t a bad thing. It wasn’t bad at all. But still, if it got bigger, shouldn’t I at least know why?
If I woke up one morning and my dick had suddenly gotten huge, that meant it could also suddenly get tiny one day. In the worst case, it might just go *poof* and disappear completely, turning me into some kind of sterile female deer scholar in this other world!
“Gwaaaaaaaaaah!!!”
It was truly an act of overwhelming madness!! My mentality shattered like a middle schooler experiencing his first erection.
Had some death surgeon flown in while I was sleeping last night and swapped my dick with a horse cock using some kind of “Semblance”? My brain was spinning so badly that such ridiculous thoughts started sounding plausible.
A man’s dick was a human-friendly endorphin generator that came attached from the moment you received the gift of life. Even orphans treasured their dicks as much as their lives. That was why I needed to understand exactly why this had happened to mine. Otherwise, I’d have to spend every night clutching my dick in bed, trembling in terror!
“Customer?! Is everything okay in there?!”
Clara’s voice came from outside. She must have heard me throwing a complete fit inside the fitting room and gotten worried.
I barely managed to calm myself and answered in a composed voice.
“No, I’m fine. Sorry. It’s nothing, don’t worry.”
I quickly pulled up the pants and stepped outside. Even though chaos and blind ignorance were assaulting me, just trembling in fear wouldn’t solve anything!
“Are you really okay?”
“Yes. Perfectly fine.”
I handed the pants to Clara, who looked like she was wondering if she had let a crazy person into her shop.
“Sorry for the trouble, but the pants are a bit small. Could you adjust them to a slightly larger size?”
I couldn’t exactly say, “My dick got fucking huge and it’s pinching my crotch.”
“What? It’s too small? That can’t be. I loosened everything so you could adjust the size after trying it on.”
Clara spoke as if she couldn’t understand.
“Where exactly doesn’t it fit? You don’t look like you have much fat on you… wait…”
She stopped mid-sentence and shut her mouth. Her gaze had locked onto the crotch of the pants I was wearing. The same crotch that had felt tight and heavy since this morning.
“…Ah.”
What do you mean, “Ah”?
“Ah, aaaaah! Ah! Ah! Y-yes! Understood!”
Clara bounced around like a spring that had been pressed down and suddenly released, panicking wildly.
“You want a size adjustment, right?! Just a moment! I’ll fix it right away!!”
She knocked over half her shop as she sprinted toward the workshop. Fuck, I was so embarrassed I didn’t know where to look. Seriously.
“God damn it.”
I crossed my arms and waited for Clara to finish altering the pants. I felt like just leaving, but I actually liked those leather pants and needed them, so I stayed put.
“Hiiik!!”
At that moment, the quack who had finally regained consciousness saw me and screamed. Seeing how he trembled just from making eye contact, it didn’t look like he’d try to get revenge later. That made sense. Any macho man who threw the first punch and then got his ass beaten only to run to the law was a disgrace to machismo. A real macho man would be too ashamed of getting destroyed in a fair fight to report it or seek revenge. Even if he snitched to his friends, the only ones who hung out with macho guys were other macho guys. They’d just get despised by their own circle for being weak enough to get beaten. And if they brought a whole gang because their friend got beaten? Then it wasn’t machismo anymore—it was a mafia cartel.
If those bastards tried to show off some Chinese-style “chivalry and righteousness” and came at me again, that would be the moment the bear woman inside me awakened.
Clang! Clang! Clang!
The sound of hammering came from the workshop Clara had entered. She seemed to be adjusting the crotch area of the leather pants. She must have real skill if the blacksmith guild assigned her a personal assistant. Though the quality of that assistant made me seriously worry about her parents’ well-being.
I knew a certain dwarf who had incredible craftsmanship but lived like an elf in the forest. Maybe she had mastered blacksmithing despite being human. Or perhaps Clara was a half-dwarf?
Actually, the term “half-dwarf” itself was already the product of human-centric thinking. From the dwarves’ perspective, a mix of dwarf and human would be a half-human, not a half-dwarf. If you traced back the bloodlines of most skilled blacksmiths, there was probably at least one dwarf somewhere in their ancestry. It was common for people in the same industry to marry each other. It was a pretty logical deduction.
‘She has skill but lacks business sense.’
That was my assessment after looking around her shop. Merchants who sold weapons made most of their money from leather armor—items that sold well and got destroyed easily, forcing customers to buy new ones. Tough armor was good, but if it never broke, fewer customers would come looking for replacements. Not every warrior looked for better equipment. There were plenty of adventurers who were satisfied with “good enough” and only took jobs they could handle.
Clara was lacking in that kind of commercial insight and management ability. Just like how there were many restaurant owners who cooked well but had zero sense for running a business. Work ability and management ability were completely separate stats.
In that sense, the method that quack assistant used was very effective for short-term profit. Raising prices while lowering product quality to borrow from future earnings. It was a tactic often used by CEOs with no conscience. They forcibly inflated profits while they were in charge, then put it in their portfolio like it was some great achievement. After that, they abandoned the company once it was completely wrecked from over-extraction and moved on to the next target, saying:
─See? Hire me as CEO. I increased Mamstouch’s profit by 30% over three years. What? They went bankrupt? That’s not my problem. Give me back my Mamstouch, you bastards.
It was a vicious method that could be used from brain-dead small business owners all the way up to mid-sized company chairmen.
Feeling another surge of anger at that thought, I decided to stomp on that damn sword-selling bastard a few more times.
“You son of a bitch!!! Die, you ghost of Park Geun-hye!! Pound of the dictatorship!!!”
“Kwaaaak!! Why are you doing this again all of a sudden!!!”
Do you know which part of the human body you can hit with the least guilt? It’s the thigh. The thigh has lots of blood vessels so stabbing it is dangerous, but since there are no vital organs, you can punch it without hesitation. Even without organs, internal bleeding and muscle tears will make the victim suffer for a long time, making it perfect for slow, grinding revenge. Plus, it hurts so much they scream, so the satisfaction of beating them is excellent.
“Kwaaaaaak!! Ukyaaaaaaaak!!!”
“Cry!! Scream!! And die!!!”
Thud!! Thud!! Thump!!
I gave myself over to rage and relentlessly pounded the quack’s thighs. The abnormal phenomenon that had occurred to my dick kept driving me into endless fury.
“Gaaaaak…”
The quack made a sound like a goblin and fainted again. Look at this bastard’s pronunciation. He sounded like a native. Maybe this quack was actually an ancient goblin or something? Every middle schooler eventually grows up. Goblins probably grow too. Maybe the ones who were little shits as kids never grew out of it and just hid among human society? It was a pretty plausible hypothesis.
“I finished the alterations! Try them on!”
While I was pondering the hierarchical relationship between middle schoolers and old men, Clara returned. That was fast.
─Slide.
The pants looked visibly wider. When I tried them on in the fitting room, they no longer pinched my crotch or made my thighs look like crawling snails. It was a very satisfying alteration.
“I’ll take these. How much again?”
“Sixty-five coppers.”
I opened my wallet and took out the money. I had brought quite a bit today since I also needed to pay for the inn. I had planned to buy a weapon if I found one I liked at the blacksmith. In the end, I bought armor instead, but that wasn’t important right now, so let’s move on.
“Here.”
“Y-yes. Th-thank you.”
Clara kept trying to avoid my gaze. I couldn’t understand why she was acting like that, so I stared at her. She covered her face and turned away.
“P-please don’t look at me like that! I’m a married woman!”
“I didn’t ask.”
Anyway, that’s how it went. I left the blacksmith with my new armor and a dick that was now afflicted with a status effect.
Fuck. Now what the hell am I supposed to do?
‘Dick. If you’re watching, please give me the answer.’
There was no way in hell it would answer.
Living in another world was just this fucking miserable.